CHAPTER ONE
MEMORY HAZE .
❪ virginia / mexico : present day ❫

"HE'S WHAT?" LYDIA STOPPED IN HER TRACKS, PHONE RESTING BETWEEN HER EAR AND SHOULDER. Her arms were full of groceries, a bunch of keys dangling limply from her fingertips. She blinked at the number on her apartment door, wondering if her ears had been playing tricks on her.

"He's been arrested," Emily repeated, her voice uneasy, "They're holding him in Mexico."

"Mexico?" She echoed, "What the hell is he doing there?"

There was a pause, "They're holding him on drug charges."

The bag slipped from her hands, but she didn't bother picking it up, instead adjusting her grip on the phone in case she hadn't heard right. "Emily, this is Spencer Reid we're talking about, right? He wouldn't... he wouldn't go near drugs."

She further explained, "They're holding him on possession, with intent to distribute. They found him with cocaine and heroin."

"Cocaine and —" She brought a hand up to rub the space between her brows, "That makes no sense, why would— what's going on, Emily?"

"I have no idea, Lydia," She sighed over the line, "I know it's your day off, but we're really going to need you to come in for this one."

"No, yeah, I'll be right there." She responded, finally managing to shove her key into the door and unlock it, "See you in fifteen."

Lydia didn't bother packing away her grocery's— she merely deposited the bag on her counter and hastily swapped her jeans for a dress shirt and slacks. Her go-bag was always packed and ready, so she only had to swipe her glasses off of the nightstand in case they'd be away overnight. Her contacts tended to irritate her when she got tired, and if they were away beyond the day then sleep wouldn't be a luxury afforded to them.

When she arrived at the BAU, JJ was the only one in the bullpen— she was ringing her hands nervously, and when Lydia gained her attention, the relief that washed over her face was only short lived. "They want you on the field in Mexico," She said quickly, standing straighter, "Emily, Alvez and Rossi are already on the plane. I would go, but the boys—"

Lydia placed a hand on her shoulder, "You don't need to explain, J. I want to do this."

It had been three years since she had fallen out with Spencer Reid, but there had been a time when he was her best friend. Even if they could only be described as co-workers now, the team was her family, and that included him too. She did care about his well-being and the lingering unresolved anger didn't change that.

JJ nodded in understanding, worry clinging to her features as if her skin was magnetised to it. Lydia attempted her best reassuring smile, but she felt her lips reject it like such a thing was an alien concept in that moment. She pointed over her shoulder, "I should get going."

JJ pulled her into a brief hug, "I'll see you when you get back."

"Which will hopefully be soon." Lydia offered her one last smile before she rushed out onto the tarmac and boarded the jet. Luke moved down a seat to make room for her, Rossi and Emily sitting opposite. They all offered her brief greetings, but it was overshadowed by the tense energy they were all carrying. The take off was hasty, and they were in the air for a mere five minutes before Garcia connected them to the round table back at the BAU.

"This has got to be scratch," Tara spoke, "He was laying low, now we know why."

A sickly feeling settled into her stomach at the suggestion— Peter Lewis had been tormenting the team for years, forcing Hotch into protective custody after the stalking of his son and abducting members of Tara's family. The suggestion that he was now focusing on Reid was not an easy pill to swallow, sliding down the throat like barbed-wire.

Luke's brows pinched, giving a slight shake of the head "Crossing the border as a fugitive is a huge risk."

"The reward is greater," Emily countered, "He's been punishing the team and now his target is Reid."

"Peter Lewis dropped off the map after attacking Tara's family, maybe he's been hiding in Mexico this whole time."

"We also have to consider this isn't related to him."

"Who else could it be?" Rossi questioned.

"Drug cartels, could have threatened Reid and used him as a mule." Luke offered.

"It's possible," Lydia supported, "But they'd usually go for more low-profile members of the public, picking out an FBI agent to do their dirty work could bring more trouble than it's worth."

"Not if they didn't know he was an FBI agent."

Lydia thought for a moment, but the more she did the more the cartel theory loss it's credibility for her. She shook her head, "No, it doesn't make sense. I mean, why would he be in Mexico for them to use him in the first place? This feels too... improbable to have just been a case of bad luck."

JJ voice sounded, explaining that she'd managed to get in touch with Diana Reid's nurse who had confirmed the woman was safe and stable. Lydia remembers meeting Spencer's mother on a case in Las Vegas— the man had been struggling with some inner demons, and watching how the mere presence of the women had helped to calm him had made her stomach twist. Spencer loved people in a consuming kind of way, and it was clear when he interacted with Diana that he'd do anything for her.

"How long did he tell the nurse he'd be gone?" Luke asked.

"Three days." JJ supplied.

Emily nodded, "Makes sense, after the Palm Springs case Reid said he had to get back to Houston to talk to his mom's doctor."

"Well, Houston is only a five hour drive from the border." Tara added, "Question is, why did he go down there?"

"And why did he have narcotics?"

"Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to spill any secrets I'm not supposed to, but those drugs were planted on him." Garcia stuttered slightly, determination in her voice. Lydia nodded mutely, the memory crawling over her like storm clouds in a grey sky. She'd seen first hand how hard he'd thought to stay clean, there was no way he'd risk everything now.

"Absolutely, there's something bigger in play. That's why he kept it a secret. There's something he didn't want to share with anybody." Walker added.

"Okay, so what would make him risk everything?"

"His mom." Lydia answered, vaguely aware of JJ speaking the words simultaneously. Luke shot her a curious look, but she dismissed it for later.

"But she's here, and she's safe." Garcia's confusion bled into her voice before she paused, "Wait, Cruz just sent me the arresting report," The sound of her fingers against the keys of her computer sounded, "Says here that Reid was involved in a high speed chase..."

The shock was palpable, "What? But he rarely ever drives?"

"Non of this sounds like him. It says he was wearing jeans, he was really confused, and according to the arresting officer, he was really high on something."

"No, no. He wouldn't do that. Not after what happened with Tobias Hankle." JJ sounded adamant.

Lydia added her firm agreement, "Exactly."

"Who was Tobias Hankle?" Luke glanced around the table for answers, each face greeting him with disquieted recollection.

"He was an Unsub with DID" Lydia explained quietly, "He... kidnapped Reid. Drugged him. It was... well... it was really bad. He almost died—" She couldn't bring herself to say that, technically, he did. It was one of her worst memories— she still had nightmares about it sometimes. Luke stared at her, face overcast in sorrow.

Someone must have explained it to Tara too, as she questioned with dismayed surprise in her voice, "When was this?"

"Ten years ago."

A tense silence followed before Rossi changed the subject, "What does the report say about the intent to distribute?"

"It says he was charged with constructive possession, and in the duffle bag there was cocaine, cash and three blocks of heroin."

There was vice on her lungs as she brought a hand up to rub over her eyes. It was easy to sense the group's collective unease, their list of worries piling.

"Okay, we'll be there in less than an hour." Emily said finally, "Dave, can you reach Jack Garret?"

Rossi shook his head slightly "He's busy on a case, but he promised to do what he can."

"Well, were gonna need all the help we can get."

After hanging up on the round table, they talked over more theories and tried to fill in the blanks with possible scenarios. There was too much information missing for anything near definite to be decided on, and within the hour they were landing in Mexico and on their way to the Jail that was holding Spencer.

It was windowless and barely illuminated by harsh lights, a seemingly constant rattle of metal in the air. An older aged man led the group, dressed in a uniform bearing the Mexican police symbol. "Thank you for calling us." Rossi said, ensuring his voice displayed enough gratitude to appease the man who held some power over Spencer's fate.

"It is not often we have a US FED in our custody." He responded, guiding them through a mesh door. Something about his tone was almost accusatory, but it was too faint to be a reasonable cause for worry.

"We appreciate you letting us talk to him, have you gotten his tox-screen back yet?" Emily questioned.

He shook his head, "No."

"You will need to expedite that, we have cause to believe Agent Reid was drugged."

"He was definitely high." He folded his arm, "And driving like a maniac with twenty thousand dollars worth of heroine in his possession. Both of which put my officers at risk, you're in our jurisdiction."

It was hard to keep the uneasiness off of her expression. She knew as well as anyone else that being a member of the FBI would buy him no special treatment here— if even, make it worse. She noticed Luke's attention on something else, and she followed his gaze to a sight that made her heart drop. Spencer sat curled in on himself, a set of bars separating him from the rest of the room.

It was a sight so unbelievably at odds to the man she was used to. He was dressed in a flannel and jeans, dirt and grime clinging to the fabric. While his hair wasn't known to be overly neat at the best of times, it was the most unruly she'd ever seen it before. He looked like a stranger. She exchanged an uneasy look with Luke, hanging back slightly as he approached.

"Hey, Reid," He spoke, and she watched as he turned towards him with a blank look that vaguely showed his confusion. For Spencer to have trouble recognising someone as familiar as Luke spoke volumes for the state he was in. It twisted her stomach. "It's good to see you, brother. It's me, Luke."

It took another moment before he approached the bars meekly, shoulders hunched, "Luke. Thank you for coming."

Lydia's gaze dropped to the bandage covering his hand, evidence of a nasty injury. Her brows furrowed. Rossi approached next, followed sharply by Emily, "We're going to get you out of here, kid."

Spencer's gaze flickered between them, and she watched as he tried to piece things together in his head. It was like watching someone else control his body, and it unsettled her beyond words.

"We need to work out some things with the locals, okay?" Emily spoke slightly slower, hoping to provide him with some clarity. He gave the smallest of nods.

"Who was your contact down here?" Luke questioned.

He looked up before speaking slowly, "Rosa... Rosa Medina. I think she's a doctor." He pulled up his sleeve, revealing some faint writing that corroborated it.

Luke pulled out his phone to take a photo, "Where did you meet her?"

He shook his head, "I don't... I don't remember."

Emily glanced back at her, features puzzled. She pulled her lip between her teeth and offered a slight shrug, gaze returning to him.

"If you saw her, would you recognise her?" Luke tried, and after a moment of hesitation, Spencer nodded.

"You're missing time, aren't you?" Emily asked.

"It's coming in flashes."

"And you've been drugged?"

"Yeah, but I didn't take them myself." He whispered it, but there was a confidence in the words that hadn't been there before. This, he was certain of, but he didn't need to tell them that.

"No, of course you didn't." Emily rushed to comfort him, giving a moment's pause before adding, "We're thinking it might be Scratch."

The blank look shadowed his features again, repeating it to himself quietly. Lydia exchanged glances with the team, but they all seemed to be seeking the same reassurance from each other as she was. This was bad. It was jarring to see him so lost— she'd never, in over a decade of knowing him, witnessed such a display of confusion on his face. Especially for someone who was usually so well oriented in each situation.

Luke's phone rang and he excused himself, returning a few minutes later with a photo of an older woman. Spencer stared at it for a moment before he nodded with certainty, a touch of surprise on his features.

"Her alias is Rosa Medina, but her real name is Nadie Ramos." Luke explained, "Garcia tracked it to a motel just outside of town, does that sound familiar?"

"No."

"We'll need to take the officers with us." Emily said, seemingly determined.

"You want company here?" Rossi asked gently, and Spencer seemed to need a minute to process what his words meant before responding with a no.

Still, he was hesitant as he spoke, and Lydia watched him for a moment before she said, "I'll stay."

All bar Spencer blinked at her, wordless surprise written on their features. After all, she didn't tend to volunteer herself for anything where he was involved. At least, not in recent years. Yet, she could tell he needed a familiar face, and it would be a lie to pretend like she didn't want to be that for him. After a beat, relief washed over Emily's features, clearly more comfortable in the knowledge that he wouldn't be alone.

"We'll call if anything happens." Luke assured her. She thanked him, watching them rush out of the precinct before returning her attention back to cell.

Spencer's brows were furrowed, still struggling to sort through the fog in his brain. She inhaled, attempting to calm the anxieties that were crawling up her throat with sharp talons. Lydia wouldn't let the worry act as a puppeteer that pulled her strings— she had to think clearly, now was not the time to let her thoughts turn into a paradox.

"This must be scary for you," She said softly, approaching him like he was a bird who could be startled into flight, "Not remembering things— it would be for anyone, but you even more so."

He swallowed, blinking, then nodded. His eyes were scanning over her— she could tell he knew who she was, just not exactly why she was standing there, "Lydia?"

"It's me. Emily, Rossi and Luke just left. I'm going to stay with you till they're back, okay?"

"Yeah," He responded, and his voice was so small, "I-I don't know why..."

"That's okay," She assured, "It's just the drugs in your system, I'm sure it'll come back to you with time. Do you want to sit down?"

He nodded, and she expected him to go back to the bench, but instead he took up the floor right by the bars. So she followed, sitting so that she was facing him. It was quiet for a while, maybe half an hour, then he began whispering, "I can't remember, I can't remember, I can't remember."

He repeated it over and over, and she could see the panic starting to take hold of him, breaths coming in faster and shorter. She knew she could try to distract him, but his brain had always worked a million times faster and strayed in ten different directions even if he hyper focused on one thing. Still, with the drugs in his system, it was worth a shot. "Spencer, talk me through what you do remember."

He looked confused, "I can't remember anything—"

"Not just about what happened in the last few days," She explained, "Like, for example, you remembered Emily, Rossi, Luke and me."

He nodded, brows still furrowed. "What do you remember about them? Start with Emily."

He thought for a moment, "Emily is the BAU unit chief," he started, "I met her when she joined the team... ten years ago... she specialises in child advocacy, terrorism and... linguistics... she watches... we watch Russian movies together at least once a month."

He looked to her as if seeking confirmation, and she nodded reassuringly, "Good. What about Rossi?"

Spencer listed off what he could recall about the older man, then followed it with Luke. After each one, Lydia gave her assurance, and with each nod of her head he seemed to relax slightly. She had not entirely thought through her plan when the realisation dawned on her that he'd have to talk about her next. Still, this wasn't the time to focus on the weight such a topic would normally bring. This wasn't about her, or them. It was about him.

"Okay," She said, pushing aside the knots in her stomach, "What about me?"

She almost didn't want to know what he was going to say, but there was also a part of her, an overwhelming part, that was curious. He seemed to take longer to answer this time, "You're a special agent for the BAU. You started... a year after I did..." He paused to think, and she expected him to list off a couple of her credentials and maybe a vague shared memory with the team, but he surprised her, "You lived in my apartment building. We always commuted together. We were... best friends. For years. But then something happened... we don't really hang out anymore. I did something. You can't forgive me for it."

He looked at her for confirmation, and the words got stuck in her throat. How the hell was she supposed to say "that's right" to that? It was the realest conversation they'd had about where they stood in years, and it was while he was in a drug induced haze.

"Spencer—"

"I'm scared, Lydia." He admitted, "Everything feels... like it's missing. My memories don't feel like mine. My emotions, senses— non of it feels like me."

"It'll come back," She promised, "It's not going to be like this forever. Give it time."

"What if I don't have time?"

His voice was so small that a part of her splintered. She reached out for his uninjured hand and gave it a squeeze, "Then we'll find some."

Her phone rang, shrill and startling. She sent him an apologetic look and rose to her feet, taking a few paces before answering, "Hello?"

Emily got straight to the point, "We found Nadie's body at the motel, she was murdered."

Ice froze over her lungs, heart plummeting from the heights of Everest and down to the earth's mantle. "Shit," She muttered, trying to keep her voice down, "Shit. Emily, how bad is this?"

"Honestly?" She responded, "It's not good. This is... it's going to take a lot to clear him of this."

Her teeth sunk into her lip, "What do we do now?"

Emily exhaled, "We're coming back to you guys soon, I'm hoping he's lucid enough for a cognitive. How's he doing?"

She glanced back to see his head against the wall, eyes closed, but he wasn't breathing heavily enough to be asleep. "A little better— well, better isn't the word, but he seems slightly more oriented than when we got here. Slightly. I think he's exhausted, but maybe that'll help with the cognitive if he hasn't got all his mental defences up."

"Okay, that's good," She could hear the slight relief in her voice, "We won't be long, should be back in about an hour. There's just a few things to sort through here."

"Alright, thanks, Emily. See you soon." Lydia hung up, pocketing her phone and glancing back to where Spencer sat. He was staring into space, but he didn't seem as anxious as before, so she made the decision to wait until the others got back to break the news. She had always been more optimistic in nature, but it was a struggle to see any way out of this. Not wanting to disturb him just yet, she took her phone back out and dialled JJ's number.

"Angel, please tell me sweet boy wonder is okay." Garcia's voice came over the line, and she could vaguely hear JJ making a comment about her taking the phone.

"I'm with him now, he's–" she could hear someone in the background say put her on speaker, "--doing okay. I think he's starting to come down from the drugs, but still spaced out. Has Emily called you?"

"About Ramos? Yeah, she told us." JJ spoke, "It's..."

"Bad." Lydia supplied with a sigh, "But we all know whatever is going on, someone else is responsible. There will be a way to prove that."

"Exactly," She recognized Tara's voice, "We'll clear him, don't worry."

Lydia had a feeling her words were more aimed for Garcia, who she was sure was the epitome of worry.

"I should get back to him, I just wanted to make sure Emily updated you."

"Hey, wait!" JJ said, then her voice sounded closer as if she'd taken the phone off of the speaker. There was a brief pause and the sound of a door closing before she spoke again, "How do you really think he's doing? I know it's been a while since you... well, I just... You know him better than any of us. Do you really think he's okay?"

She exhaled a breath, hand tugging at the roots of her hair. Since she'd known him, one thing that remained to be true was his strength to weather the hardest of times. It had been one of the things she'd admired the most about him.

"It's hard to say," She answered, "I've never seen him like this before, JJ. Even with Tobias, he still had his clarity. I think things are starting to come back to him, but I don't know how he's going to be with the knowledge that he lost time like this."

"God," JJ murmured, "This is all so screwed up."

"I know." She empathised, "But he's more resilient than we credit him for, and he's got all of us to help him if he struggles."

"I'm glad you're there with him." She said after a pause, "It'll bring him more comfort than you know."

She didn't know how to respond to that. Didn't know what to do with how that made her feel. "Thanks, JJ. I should go."

"Lydia?" JJ sensed her attempt at dismissal.

She resisted the urge to pretend she didn't hear and hang up. "Yeah?"

"I mean it," She said certainly, "He misses you."

Lydia hoped she didn't hear her sharp intake of breath, "I'll call if there's an update."

HEY! thank you so much for reading, i know i didn't get to go too deep into their dynamic this chapter because the plot is quite fast pace ( the episode this follows really throws a lot at you ) but once we get past it there will be a a heavy focus on past!lydiaxspencer and how their dynamic built up and fell apart & of course, how they find their way back together. I'm super excited to get into it all :)

as always, please let me know what you think, and i should be back for an update very soon!
— mads x. ( edited: 19.10.24 )