[season 5 episode 13 and part of 12]

"Sometimes all the explanations in the world can still mean nothing."

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!  Do you have a tradition you do normally on Christmas Eve?  Favorite Christmas movie?  Mine is Miracle on 34th Street, The Holiday, Home Alone, ELF.

We went to Enchant Christmas on Christmas night!  It was so beautiful!  Has anyone been?  Hope everyone had a Happy New Year!!!

Warnings: mention of suicide, death, inmates, cute moments with Malison and fights between best friends.  Oh also penile fractures 

Surgeons are usually hardest on themselves.  

Especially when it's in regards to patients that mean a lot to them.  Of course every patient means something to surgeons.  Otherwise, if they didn't they would be robotic with no emotions.  

Alison hit her locker with her fist as she let out a frustrated scream and began to cry.  She didn't feel responsible for Jackson because she wasn't always helping him but that didn't mean it hurt any less.  Why didn't she try to overstep and have the surgeons do more?  Why did it take having Arizona here for them to find this?

He was just a little boy.

3 hours earlier. . .

"Now all that's left is to release the clamp," Arizona tells the group of surgeons in the OR.  "You should do the honors, Miranda," she tells the resident who had grown so close to Jackson.  "He's your patient."

"Thank you, Doctor Robbins," Miranda tells her and as she continues to work Sadie leans forward as she sees something they hadn't before and she slowly raises her hand.

"Call on me," she whispers.  "Call on me."

But they continue doing their work without even giving the intern so much as a glance.

"Call on me," she raises her voice and Miranda looks up at her confused.  "There's a spot in the duodenum."

"What the hell is that?" Miranda speaks up as she sees what Sadie is talking about.

*

"Meredith sign the form," Derek loses his patience with his girlfriend as she just stands there looking at their patient as he's crashing.  "MEREDITH SIGN THE FORM!"

Cristina grabs the forms from Meredith and quickly signs them.

"Yang is scrubbing in," Derek announces and leaves.

*

"This is clotting," Miranda exclaims.  "Is there a source?  This can't be happening.  Not to this little boy and not without Alison here to help."

"These organs are dead, Dr. Bailey," Richard tells her sternly as she works rapidly.  "They're making him sicker and keeping them in is doing more harm than good."

"Sir-"

"He will die if you leave them," he raised his voice.

"He will die if we take them out sir," Miranda shot back.

"Pressures dropping."

"Maybe we can try a portacaval shunt," Arizona speaks up.  "It will keep the circulation going and bypass the liver."

"That's just a temporary fix," Miranda shakes her head.

"Anybody got any other better ideas?" Richard asks.  "Then I don't see what choice we have, Doctor Bailey."

"How much time do we have to find new organs?" Alex asked.

"24 hours," Miranda tells him.

How could these organs not have worked?

*

"Were gonna put this piece of skull in Mr. Dunn's abdomen," Derek tells Cristina as he shows her it.  "Why?"

"To allow the swelling of the brain to resolve," Cristina answers.  "Circulation of the abdomen preserves the bone marrow of the skull piece."

"Alright good," Derek agrees with her answer.

"Thanks for letting me scrub in."

"I guess we finally see eye to eye on something," Derek tells her.

*

"How did Jackson's surgery go?" Alison asks the blonde surgeon when she spots her who has an expressionless face.

"The organs didn't work," Arizona told her as she placed a caring hand on her shoulder as Alison felt her shoulders deflate down.

"W-what?  Why?"

"They clotted.  We did a portacaval shunt but that only allows us -"

"24 hours to find new organs," Alison finished sadly.

"Exactly," Arizona agreed but put on a fake smile for the blonde fellow.  "But hey, he's at the top of the list so that's good.  We will just have to have hope that we find new ones."

Present time. . .

"Hey, hey," Mark finds his pregnant fiancé crying on the bench in front of her locker.  "I heard.  Why don't we get out of here and I set up a nice warm bubble bath and have some Dr. Pepper for you as well as pizza from your favorite pizza place?"

He didn't ask her how she was because he already knew.  And that question wouldn't have had any good outcome.  

She wordlessly nodded her head and allowed him to take her hand and out of the hospital.

*

While the bath tub was running and Alison was taking off her makeup from the day with her makeup wipe, Mark was ordering their favorite pizza place to be delivered as well as dessert from Crumbl Cookies.  

Mark heard his phone ring and he kissed Alison before going to retrieve it to see who was calling him.  He looked at the caller ID and saw it was Derek so he answered it before 

"Hey," Mark greeted Derek.  "What's up?"

"How's Alison holding up?" Derek asked Mark on the phone.

"You know," Mark answered as he looked at their bedroom door where his fiancé was currently laying on their bed in her cozy robe with her pregnancy pillow.  "As much as to be expected.  She really cares for Jackson and just can't believe this happened to him.  How did Bailey not see this?"

"To be fair on Bailey... I don't think anyone saw this coming," Derek said defending the resident.

"I guess," Mark muttered.  "Still.  You can't help but feel bad for the kid."

"I know," Derek agreed.  "I wish there was something we could do."

"I do too.  Guess it's just a waiting game now.  I'll talk to you at work - I'm gonna check on Alison and make sure she's alright."

"Alright.  Tell her I said everything is gonna work out in the end, okay?"

"Yeah," he mutters and hangs up the phone.

"Hey, mind if I join you?" Mark asked Alison and she nodded her head with a small smile as he stripped and joined her as she moved forward a little to allow space for him.

"He's just a little boy," Alison commented as she settled against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her bump and placed kisses on her bare shoulder.

"I know.  I'm so sorry, Ali."

"Do you think we're gonna find organs for him in the next 24 hours?" Alison asked as she looked up at him with wonder.

"There's always hope," he tells her honestly.  "And I think with Arizona you'll get there.  You know today I had to help Callie with a patient who went to a different country to get surgery to make him taller?"

"Really?  Shit.  I can only imagine how that went."

"We had to make him a quarter of an inch shorter," Mark tells him.  "And he freaked out on his brother whose taller then him.  Think my height but probably a little taller than me."

"Damn.  Poor guy," Alison let out a laugh as she shook her head.

"You want to know what happened next?" Mark asked.

"What?" 

"His brother told him what an ass he was and basically a shitty brother.  Then they made up."

"I can't," Alison laughed as she felt her fiancé's arms circle around her bump and baby boy kicking against his father's hands.  "You feel him?"

"Yeah," Mark grinned.  "He's got a strong kick.  Does it hurt?"

"Not like you'd think," Alison shakes her head.  "It kind of feels like butterflies fluttering around my stomach," she laughs.  "It can sometimes be an odd feeling."

"I bet.  I can't wait for him to be here.  To hold him.  To love him," Mark told her, his voice thick with emotion.

"Mark," she turned to face him and tried to get more comfortable.  "You are going to be a great dad."

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his in a passionate kiss as he brought her closer and slipped his tongue in past her parted lips.

*

Meredith is "keeping watch" for William to make sure no one interrupts him from killing himself. He was going to die anyway in five days.  She was just helping him out by answering to his wishes.

"You coming?" Sadie asked Meredith.

"If it's bad the nurses will just come and get us," she replies but Sadie thought that was an odd reply.

"Doctor Grey?  He's seizing," Tyler tells her.

"Well how about now?  Now can we go?"

"Sadie, go find something else to do," Meredith tells her.  "Now.  It's an order."

Sadie could tell something weird was going on.  But she didn't question it and instead left.

*

"Why are you still here?" Izzie asked Denny.

"I'm here for you, Izzie Stevens," he tells her.

"No.  No you're not because I broke up with you," she says back.  "You are not here for me.  I'm sorry.  But you have to go."

"I can't go.  I'm here for -"

"Me?  Yeah.  Right," she says not believing him.

"I am," he reiterates.  "I'm here-"

"Stop saying that," she raises her voice and turns her lamp off and turning on her side hoping, no wishing he would just away.  She doesn't need this right now.

*

"Hey, how's he doing?" Alison asks sliding the doors open to Jackson's room.

"He's hanging in there," Melinda smiled sadly at the blonde surgeon.  "How are you doing?" She asked in reference to her bump.  

"Baby's doing good," she replied with a soft smile.  "Any news from UNOS?"

"Not yet," Miranda tells her as she shakes her head.  Still kicking herself for not seeing this sooner for Jackson.

Just then Alex comes into the room as well.  

"Doctor Bailey," he catches the residents attention and she walks over to him and speaks quietly.  "I just talked to UNOS.  Jackson's officially at the top of the list for liver and small bowel."

"They can't come soon enough," Miranda tells him.  "His pneumonia level is starting to rise."

"I thought the shunt was to buy us 24 hours?  Isn't that what you said?" Melinda asked.  "It should give us 24 hours."

"Melinda we're doing everything that we can," Miranda reassures her.

"I know," she gives a soft teary eyed smile.  "I know you are."

Just then Miranda's pager goes off and she excuses herself.

*

"Oh my God," she exclaims as she looks at the blood stained sheets then looked at Meredith.

"He had a seizure.  I gave him loazepam."

"Did you page Shepherd?" 

"I paged you."

"Page Shepherd!" Miranda yelled.

"The patient doesn't want that," Meredith tells her.

"Oh really?  And did he tell you that?"

"Yesss," William whispers.  "Don't page Shepherd.  He's terribly unpleasant."

"Mr. Dunn is a match for your kid who needs the transplant," Meredith explains to Miranda, hoping she understands what she's saying and she turns her head to look at her.  "He's a match."

"Uh huh.  You probably have a brain bleed which is why we need to get Shepherd in here," Miranda explains to the patient and Meredith.

"Doctor Bailey, he's gonna die anyway."

"The boy needs organs," William explains to the doctor.  "I presume wants to live and me?  I have organs.  And I'm ready to die."

*

"You know these beds are not made for a pregnant woman to have sex with her gorgeous fiancé," Alison muttered as Mark helped undress her and he smirked.

"Pretty sure these beds weren't made to have sex on in general," he told her.  "But where's the fun if we don't break the rules a little?"

"A little?" Alison lets out a laugh.  Thinking about all the times they had sex in these on-call rooms.

"Shut up and kiss me," he tells her.

"Gladly," she brings her lips to his as they have a full on make out session, both never leaving each other's lips as she swings one leg over and lowers her self onto him as they let out a sigh.

She moves her lips from his down to his jaw, neck and then chest as she begins to move her hips.

"Don't even tell me," Ryan groans as he spots his other coworkers waiting by the door of the on-call room and hear two people having sex.  "People sleeping or?"

They give him a 'really' look.

"Why do I bother asking?" Ryan asks shaking his head.

"I need sleep," Dani yells.

"Find another room," Alison yells out to them as she enjoys the pleasure that Mark is giving her.

All of a sudden Mark let out an agonizing scream and the interns all looked at each other.

"What?  What happened?" Alison asks out of breath still and concerned for her fiancé.

"That's not a good noise," Steve points out the obvious.

"That's a bad noise," Dani comments.

"That's a really bad noise," Ryan agrees and they all run away as Mark continues to scream in pain.

"It's bent in the middle," Alison comments as she was off of him now.  "Did I break it?"

"Get Torres," Mark screams at his fiancé.  "Go!"

She quickly gets dressed and pages Torres a 911 emergency as she tries to find her.

*

"You two are on Jackson all day," Miranda tells Alex and Izzie.  "He doesn't have a liver or intestines which means toxins gonna build up and his brain is gonna swell.  We can't stop it but we can help slow it down."

"I'm on it," Alex agrees.

"You don't have time for this Izzie," ghost Danny tells the blonde.  "You don't have time to think about anyone else."

"Stevens, I need a nod.  A yawn or even a little burp?  Something to let me know your awake and capable of keeping this boy alive."

"Yes, I'm sorry.  I'm all yours," Izzie tells her boss.

"Way to listen," ghost Danny says sarcastically.  "Thanks for that."

"Bailey," Richard gets her attention.  "How much time do we have left?"

"16 hours.  At the most."

"There's a liver dialysis machine downstairs," Arizona explains.  "GI's using it for a clinical trial."

"It may give Jackson a few more hours.  Maybe," Richard tells Miranda and then leaves on a mission.

"Right then.  Stevens put in the ICP monitor.  Start tracking his central cranial pressure.  Karev go and get the machine," Miranda orders.

"What if it's already hooked up to somebody?" He questioned.

"If that somebody already has more than 16 hours to live then we will unhook them," Arizona tells him and he leaves.

Miranda starts freaking out and cries as Arizona looks at her in concern.

"Doctor Bailey?"

"I want off this case.  This little boy is gonna die and I don't want to be there to see it," she cries more.  "I just - I want off this case."

"When was the last time you slept?" Arizona asked the surgeon.

"Oh no.  I'm okay," Miranda tells her.

"I think you need to get one or two hours of rest."

"I'm good.  I'm fine," she reassures the blonde surgeon.  "Just go."

And Arizona does just that.  There's only so much she could do.  She has to trust Bailey and that she knows when she needs sleep.

*

"Oh Callie!  Thank God you're finally here!" Alison exclaimed as she looked up at her good friend in shock.  

"I'm headed down to the pit.  I got a 911," Callie explained rushing to get down there.  "Page Ortho if you need anything."

"No, you don't understand - I'm the 911," Alison tells her and she stops walking to look at her.  "For Mark.  He's the emergency."

"Mark's hurt?" Callie asked frantic.

"No... yes!  Y-yes.  He's badly injured in the place where it hurts like hell for guys.  I think he broke a bone?"

"A bone?" Callie asked confused.

"A bone in his penis?" Alison let out a cough to distract from what she said but it didn't help.  "I broke it..."

"Your kidding right?" Callie started to laugh but then stopped when she saw the worried look on the blonde's face and followed Alison to where Mark was.

*

"It's getting a little harder to breathe," William tells Meredith.

"We can stop doing this, William," Meredith tells him.  "You can stop at any time."

"I know.  I know," he says shakily.  

"Do you want me to page Doctor Shepherd?" Meredith asked her patient.

"He's your boyfriend, isn't he?  Yes.  I had a feeling.  The man has very good taste.  Right now all I'm thinking about is lemons."

"Lemons?" Meredith questioned, confused.

"When my grandfather was dying, he said he smelled lemons.  It was all he could talk about for a few days.  I keep trying to smell them and I don't," he said softly and had trouble speaking.  "Of course, he was a big liar.  So."

"Are you sure you don't want me to page Doctor Shepherd?" She asked again.

"I'm sure."

"Okay," she agrees to his wishes.  

*

"I need you to talk to the nurses," Richard tells George.  "Find out if any of their patients on life support are O positive or brain dead.  Cross match those folks against Jackson Prescott.  Kid's running out of time.  And O'Malley, be sensitive to the families.  We need organs for this boy.  But we can only ask.  We can't pressure, we can't coerce.  Understood?"

"Of course sir," George agrees and leaves.  

*

"Uh Cristina," Derek tries to catch up with the Korean doctor and she turns around to him.

He opens up the small black box to her.  He was telling her even before Alison.  He figured though that Meredith would need Cristina when he proposes.  Whereas Alison would be happy for him.  He would show her later, but right now he needed to show it to Cristina.

"It's a ring," she points out the obvious.

"It's from my mother," he tells her with a big smile.  "Oh it's from me.  It was my mother's and I'm gonna give it to Meredith soon.  What I'm looking for is an opinion on whether or not she's gonna like the ring or I should have the setting redone to make it more modern?"

"Well, that's really not my job."

"Look I know you two are still fighting but isn't it about time you wrapped that up?  I ask because when I propose to her - she's gonna need somebody to freak out to.  She misses you.  A lot.  You must miss her too, right?  I don't know what's going on in your life but you must have something you need to freak out about to her too."

"I'm sorry.  I think you should ask someone else.  Maybe Alison," she tells him and walks away.

At least he tried.

*

"Mrs. Prescott, have you had anything to eat today?" Izzie asks Jackson's mother.  "You should really keep your strength up.  Get a cup of coffee or some food.  I'll stay here with Jackson."

Mrs. Prescott listens to her and leaves.  

"You are like the guy who graduated from high school and still hangs out on the football field," Izzie tells ghost Denny.

"Do you believe in Heaven?" He asks her.

"What?" She asks confused as she goes over Jackson's chart.

"Heaven," Denny reiterates. 

"I don't know.  I guess."

"Because I thought that maybe this was Heaven.  Getting to be here with you.  But now, now I'm not so sure.  I think this may be hell."

"What are you talking about?" Izzie asks confused.

"I'm here for you."

"Here for me?  Yeah, I know.  I got it.  I hear you.  A thousand times.  I chose Alex.  I'm sorry.  I really am.  I'm really sorry about that."

"And I'm still here," Denny says again.  "You broke up with me and I'm still here.  Does that tell you anything?"  

"It tells me that you're jealous.  That you don't want me to be happy.  You don't want me to choose Alex," she says more upset.

"Damnit listen to me!" Denny says, frustrated that she's not getting it on her own.  "You can't pick Alex!  I'm here for you."

"Denny," she says backing off a bit more.  

"I want you to be happy, Izzie," he tells her.  "I do.  And I would leave if I could.  You think I want to stay here while you tell me you want another man?  I can't go because you won't listen to me! I'm here for you."

"What does that even mean?" Izzie asks, still confused why he keeps on saying that.  "What does it mean?"

"Your a doctor, Izzie," he tells her hoping she understands him this time.  "Figure it out."

*

Cristina hands a patient chart to the nurse at the nursing station after she thanks her. 

"What?" She asks Meredith when she felt her staring.  "Did-" she looks around for Shepherd.  "What?"

"Nothing," Meredith decides not to say anything after all and hands the nurse the patients chart she finished.

"How's your uh, serial killer?  Did you monitor him last night?"

"Yeah," Meredith answers her but its an answer that alarms Cristina.  "I got it covered."

Cristina doesn't believe her though.  And so she goes off to his room and Meredith follows after her.

"Christina!  I said I have it covered," Meredith said annoyed as she followed after Cristina.

William was having a hard time breathing as they entered the room and Cristina checked his vitals.  

"Tell me you paged Shepherd," Cristina tells Meredith.

"He wants to die," Meredith tells her.

"Meredith!" Cristina raised her voice as she turned around.

"He's gonna die anyway!  In a few days.  If he dies here we can donate his organs to the ten year old whose gonna die down the hall.  And Derek won't allow it.  So no.  I didn't page him.  And I hope you won't either.  I know you think this is wrong.  Just let me do this."

"Please help," William struggled to breathe and talk.  "Help me.  I don't want to die."

Cristina turned to Meredith and pushed a button.

"Page Shepherd!" Cristina yelled.

*

"Should I start the catheter?" Izzie asks Arizona who nods her head in agreement.

"I want to see the Grand Canyon," ghost Denny says as he walked around the room.

"Make sure you can visualize," Arizona speaks up.

"I want to hike it actually.  I want to look out over dead man's drop and not because I'm dead.  But because of the view."

"Shut up," Izzie mutters which has Arizona confused.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Izzie told her realizing she made the mistake by saying it out loud.  "Should I be able to see the needle tip?"

"Yeah.  That shadow within is the catheter," Arizona points to the screen.  

"Have we heard anything?" Jackson's mom asks the doctors.  "From UNOS.  Have we heard anything?"

"I'll call them back," Alex says and leaves the room.

"I'd also like to see the Great Wall of China," ghost Denny says as he talks again.  "You know, I did a lot of traveling in my life but I never made it to Asia and I regret that.  My point, unbelievably stubborn woman, is that there are other things I would like to do and see," he speaks overshadowing Arizona's instructions. 

"Are you paying attention?" Arizona asks her.

"Things I would like to do but I can't!" He continues on.  "I can't go to Heaven.  Or Hell.  Or to Asia.  I can't do anything but this!  Until you wake up and figure it out!"

"Would you just tell me already?!" Izzie yells startling Arizona and Alex looks at their interaction from the outside.  "I'm sorry."

"Why don't you take a little break, Doctor Stevens," Arizona suggests.  

*

"Did you hear Sloan broke his goods?" Ryan tells other interns at the nurses station.  "In the on-call room.  Swear to God, I heard him screaming!"

"With Anderson?" Sadie asks wanting the gossip.

"Duh," Ryan says.  "She rode him and broke him.  That's a girl I want to marry."

"Leave Alison alone," Lexie tells Ryan.  "If you tell anyone else about the incident I will make sure you do not move up in your position.  And don't think I can't make that possible."

"Whatever," Ryan said not believing her and ran off with the other intern.

*

"You okay?" Alison asked her fiance as she felt embarrassed for herself and felt bad for Mark at the same time.

"I'll be fine," Mark tells her as he winces in pain.  This had to be the most pain he's felt in a long time.  They were currently waiting for Owen to get here as Callie had paged him, needing help.  

"I'm so sorry," she tells him.

"It's not your fault," he yells again in pain.  "I love you."

"I love you too," she tells him and gives him a kiss.

*

"I want him prepped and in the OR in twenty minutes," Derek says to Cristina, annoyed at his girlfriend.

"Yes sir," Cristina agrees and leaves before Derek shakes his head at Meredith.

"You should have paged me a long time ago," Derek tells Meredith.  "Better yet, when I asked you how he was, you should have told me the truth."

"I was following the patients wishes," Meredith stands by what she believes in.  

"The patients wishes?!" Derek exclaims.  "He doesn't get wishes.  He killed five women!"

"As much as you believe your right - I think I'm just as right.  If I said something to you that would have been a debate."

"He's manipulating you since he got here," Derek points out.  "He prey's on young women!"

"I made a decision as his doctor."

"A bad decision," Derek tells her.  "It was the wrong decision.  You're gonna scrub in on this surgery.  And you're gonna watch us undo what you did."

*

"His ICP's not going under twenty-five," Alex tells Arizona.

"Is the catheter included?" Arizona asks.

"Looks fine."

"Alright, try adjusting the higher of the drip chamber and let's try raising it up another ten degrees."

"What will that do?" Miranda asked.

"Not much," Arizona said.  But it was worth a try.

"Jackson," Melinda came around the doctors to her son.  "Jackson, you listen to mommy.  It is not time.  You do not get to go yet.  You have to stay here.  You hear me?  You stay here with mommy.  I need you to fight.  I need you to fight, Jackson."

Miranda had to get out of there.  She just had to and when she was out of the room, she saw Meredith along with Derek and Cristina wheeling William into surgery.

*

"Yep, that's a penile fracture," Owen said as he looked at Mark's injury and Alison held his hand.  

"Ohhh, I'm gonna kill myself," Mark let out a sigh.

"Shut up, you big baby," Alison slapped his shoulder.

She knew part of his pain was his ego.

"We should operate and then you can kill yourself," Owen tells him.

"Oh God!" Mark said.

"Can you do it?" Callie asked Owen.

"Him?!" Mark yelled.  "No," Mark covered himself up again.  "He's a meatballer."

"He is meticulous and he will keep his mouth shut."

What they didn't realize though was that the interns were already spreading the news like wildfire.

"I've done operations like this before," Owen tells Mark and Alison.  "It's not that complicated."

"Guys running into this problem onto the battlefield run into this?" Mark asked in disbelief.  

"I don't think you and I should talk about how guys run into this," Owen says awkwardly.

"You'll still make it look pretty, right?" Alison asked and Owen had to stifle a laugh but then stopped when he realized how serious Alison and Mark were.

"I'll try my best," he said.  "We need to line up an OR and get in fast.  Or you risk permanent damage."

"Oh God, no permanent damage please," Mark groans as he closes his eyes.  That would be humiliating.  Not to mention a bruised ego.  

"He's kidding," Alison tries to reassure him.  "You are kidding, right, Dr. Hunt?"

"Do you want the truth or the lie?" He tried to joke to make light of the situation.  "No, I'm not kidding.  Which is why we need to do it today.  Right now if possible."

*

Miranda Bailey was shaking with nerves as she stood outside of the OR room they had taken William to.  Was she about to ask this of Dr. Shepherd?  

For Jackson she would do anything as she opened the OR room.

"Dr. Shepherd," Miranda spoke up.

"Dr. Bailey," he addressed her as he continued to work on William.

"I need you to stop.  I need you to put down the scalpel," she tells him as he looks up at her.  "This man is trying to kill himself and God forgive me, I need you to let him."

"You need to leave my OR, Doctor Bailey," Derek tells her.

"Five days," she says shakily.  "In five days this man is going to die and his organs are going to go with him.  They'll be buried with his body and they'll rot in the ground.  And that is a crime.  That is a crime against life.  And it's only five days.  That's it.  That's all we're taking from him and he doesn't want them anyway."

"You took an oath, Miranda," Derek tells her as he had stopped working.

"No.  That I know.  We took an oath.  Right now that oath makes no sense - it doesn't.  So stop.  Just stop.  Don't do anything else for this man."

"If I stop this surgery," Derek begins to explain as everyone watches their interaction.  "It's the same as me sticking this scalpel into his brain.  Is that what you want?"

"Yes.  That's what I want."

*

"Where the hell have you been?" Alex asked his girlfriend when she finally showed up again.

"I uh, I had some stuff," Izzie tells him, not feeling comfortable with sharing her problems to him.

"Dead man talking stuff?" He asks.

"Yeah," she answers quietly.  "I don't know."

"This kid's dying in front of his mom," Alex begins to tell her.  Not really having the patience for whatever is going on with her.  "It's so bad that Doctor Bailey can't even stand here and watch.  It's bad but we're busting our asses to save him and you're talking to a dead guy.  Look you want to do that crap at home fine but not here.  Here you're a doctor."

Before she can reply, Jackson's machine goes off, alerting all of them.

"ICP is still way too high," Arizona says as she comes in. 

"I just gave him hypersonic saline," Alex tells her.

"When was his last lorazepam?" 

"I gave him it twenty minutes ago," he answers as Arizona listens to his breathing.

"Check with UNOS," Arizona tells Izzie.  "Whatever Bailey's doing - I hope to hell she's having better luck than we are."

*

"He's hemorrhaging," Cristina tells Derek.  "Should I at least put in a subdural drain?"

"That's up to Doctor Bailey," Derek tells her.

"Doctor Bailey?" Cristina asks confused.  "Doctor Bailey should I put in a drain?"

"No."

"There's a lot of bleeding.  We should really do something soon."

"I am aware of that, Doctor Yang," Derek tells his intern.  The whole time meanwhile Meredith is quiet and watching Miranda.  Seeing what she will end up doing.

He shows Miranda the scalpel in his hands and gives it to his scrub nurse on the sanitized paper.

"It's your call, Doctor Bailey," Derek tells her.  "It's up to you.  Am I an executioner or am I a surgeon?  It's up to you.  It's your call."

"Pick up the scalpel," she tells him, not able to go through with it and he takes it from BokHee.  

They do and continue back to work as Miranda leaves and Meredith watches.

*

"Hey, what do you know about Izzie Stevens?" Arizona asked Alison as they were in the break room together.  Arizona needed a short break and Alison needed food.  Especially with this baby she was carrying.  It seemed like she was hungry all the time.  

"She hasn't always been the best but she's gotten better now.  Why do you ask?"

"She was acting really strange with Jackson Prescott's mom earlier and me.  

"Talking to herself?" Alison asked.  This was unusual behavior even for Izzie Stevens.  There had to be more going on.  There just had to.  Izzie didn't just shout at patients and doctors randomly. She might be a lot of things, but she cared for her patients.  That much Alison was sure of.  

"I heard about Mark," Arizona says not able to keep it a secret.  "Did that really happen?"

"Yeah," Alison bites her lip nervously.  This was so awkward.  "Does everyone pretty much know?"

"I think so unfortunately," Arizona gave her coworker a shoulder squeeze.  "You know how hospitals can be."

"Great," Alison let out a groan.  "Mark's gonna be so mad once he finds out."

"It'll be okay.  He loves you.  How's his surgery going?"

"The nurse called me and told me they are almost done.  How's Jackson doing?"

"Not great.  We're trying to buy time.  Unless we can get a miracle for this kid, I'm afraid he might die soon."

"Heard anything from UNOS?" Alison asked.

"He's at the top of the list.  But you know how hard it is to get organs..."

"I'll try to think of something," Alison tells her.

"Alison, really, it's okay.  We're on it.  You just wait to hear about Mark and take care of that precious baby of yours that's waiting to come out.  I don't want you to overdo it," she gave her a soft smile.  "I better get back and see what's going on."

But Alison couldn't sit still.  So instead of just waiting she went to go find George who she knew was also on the team, trying to help Jackson.

"Hey George," the blonde fellow greeted George.  

"Hey Alison," he smiled at her.  "Did you need something?"

"I need some help."

*

Izzie went into a room with ghost Denny and closed the door behind them.

"I can feel you," Izzie comments as she grabs Denny's face.  "I can smell you.  If you're dead, how come I can smell your skin?  So I'm thinking, maybe you're not dead.  Maybe that was the part of me that was crazy.  The part that thought you died.  Maybe this is the not crazy part.  You are still alive.  Right?  That's it."

"I'm sorry.  No," Denny tells her.

"Are you a ghost?" Izzie asks upset.  "Or a dream?  Or-"

"Your a doctor Izzie," Denny tells her.  "A scientist.  Think like a scientist."

"I am!  I am!" She shouts.  "Scientists believe what they can see.  What they can feel.  Facts!  Hard facts."  She slaps him.  "I slapped you!  That's a fact.  I felt your face on my hand.  Fact.  I can feel your breath."  She kisses him passionately but he pulls her back.

"Iz.  Izzie," he tells her.

"What's happening?" She cries.  

"You tell me."

"I'm scared," she tells him as she hugs him.

*

"ICP is still going up," Alex tells Arizona.

"Are you hyperventilating him enough?" 

"Yes.  His CO2 is thirty."

"Alright, let's raise him all the way up," Arizona says and Melinda comes up to her son again.

"Jackson, you have to hold on, baby.  Just hold on!" Melinda says as Miranda tries to get her to back up while Arizona and Alex check his vitals.

*

"You see any bleeders?" Derek asks Cristina.

"No, all clear."

"Nice work, Doctor Yang," he congratulates the resident.  "Why don't you go ahead and close up."

"Thank you, sir."

"What a waste," Meredith says as she shakes her head.  

"He's alive, Doctor Grey," Derek said.  "That's never a waste."

*

"He's just a little boy," Melinda tells Izzie.  "He's never had a sleepover.  He's never learned to write a bike."

"Melinda," Izzie tries to get her attention.  "Melinda, listen to me.  Miracles happen.  Medical miracles happen every day.  People live.  When they shouldn't, they live."

"I know," Melinda cries.  "I need to be with him.  He's never been anywhere without me.  He can't go alone.  I need to be with him."  

"You are here with him.  You're here for him even though you aren't in the room," Izzie tells her.  "You are.  You are here for him."

She then looks at the door and sees Izzie.

I'm here for you, Izzie Stevens.

It's then that everything her and Denny have been talking about was starting to make sense.  The problem wasn't with Denny.  There's a problem with her.  And it's like a punch to the gut.

"Doctor Bailey says you need to come now," Alex tells them.  

Melinda follows him as Izzie stays behind.

"It's time to hold him," Miranda tells her, her voice thick with emotion.  "He's going, Melinda.  Hold him and let him go."

She gives her son the biggest hug, being careful not to hurt him.

"It's okay, baby.  You can go.  It's okay.  You can go," she tells him and places a sweet kiss on his forehead.  "Mommy won't be mad.  You can go, Jackson."

Alison comes running in as fast as she can with Richard.

"We have organs!" She says rushed and they all turn around to them.

"We have organs!" Richard yells excited.  "Get him to OR 3 now!" 

They all rush now to save Jackson.

"Starting CPR," Miranda yells and gets Melinda out of the way gently.

Arizona let Alison and Richard be in the surgery as they helped transfer the bowels from the patient who passed to the bowl for Jackson.  Alex took the bowl and over to Jackson.  

George was with Kelly, the wife of the patient whose husband had passed and was signing the papers giving permission for his organs.  

"Releasing the clamp," Miranda says.  "Any black spots?"

"Looks clean," Alex says.

"He's coding!" Arizona tells the group.  "Start CPR.  Get a crash cart over here."

*

Izzie runs outside. 

"Heaven or hell," she comments knowing Denny was with her.  

"Yes."

"Your here for me."

"Yes."

"No," she turns to him.  "Your not here for me.  You're here for me.  You're here for me."

"I loved you so much.  I love you so much that when I got to come back for you, I thought you are my heaven.  But maybe, maybe I'm your hell."

"I'm sick," she whispers.  "I'm sick, aren't I?  Instead of telling me to save my life - you son of a bitch!" She yells as she shoves him.  "You selfish son of a bitch!  I hate you!"

"I didn't know there was a chance.  Miracles happen.  Medical miracles happen every day.  You said that!"

"Leave!  Leave."

"I can go now," he tells her.  "Because you know.  But it's your choice.  You get to choose.  If I go, I don't know if I can come back.  If I go-"

"The choice between Heaven or Hell?  I choose Heaven," Izzie says.  "I choose life.  Get out of here!"

"I really hope this is Heaven."

"Go," she tells him not able to look at him.  "What are you waiting for?"

Instead of saying words, he grabs her face gently and kisses her passionately.  One last time.  She was his Heaven.  And he wanted to stay here.  In this moment.  Forever.

But unfortunately, all good things come to an end all too soon.  

And just like that:

 he was gone.

And Izzie was left with reality.

 *

Owen finds Cristina sitting on a gunnery  after he's out of surgery and sits down to talk to her.  

"I planned a whole evening," he tells her starting out.  "Last night.  A real date.  It was a clear night - one of the five that Seattle gets all year.  I was going to take you to the West Point Lighthouse and we were going to watch the Northern Lights together.  I'd like another chance," he asks her and she turns to look at him.  "I want you to give me another chance."

"You got some problems," she says to him.  "You got some big problems."

"Yeah," he agrees.  "Yeah, I do."  He knows he does.  "Will you go out with me anyway?"

"Yes," she agrees as she looks him in the eye.

And he's stunned.  This was the first guy she's genuinely liked since Burke.  Yes, he had problems.  But she wasn't going to let go of him before something could even begin.  

*

Mark was awake now from surgery and Alison and Derek went to visit him in his room.  She was told that they couldn't have sex for four to six weeks and that was fine for her since right now she didn't have much an appetite for it.  But she knew it would kill him.

"We brought your favorite," Alison tells him as she holds up a baggy from Chipotle since it was down the street from the hospital.

"Chips and guac?" He asks perking up a little.

"I mean how can you not get chips and guac?" She asks and gets his food out for him as Derek watches his two best friends who are about to become parents.

"I wanted to tell you guys earlier but well that happened," Derek pointed to Mark's fracture.  Alison squinted her eyes and he stopped his joke before pulling out a little black box and opened it.  "I'm going to propose to Meredith soon.  Do you think she'll like it?  It's my mom's."

"I think she'll love it," Alison tells him as she takes a look at the beautiful ring as they are all three eating.  "So you got your mom's blessing?  That's a hard one coming from Carolyn."

"I know," Derek let out a sigh of relief.  "Which reminds me.  I need to go meet up with her soon.  She went to his execution."

"Good luck," Mark mutters as he continues to eat.  "Tell us how it goes with that."

"Every last detail," Alison warns him and he agrees before hugging them and leaving them.

*

"How is he?" Richard asked Miranda.

"We were so late getting those organs in.  Between the cerebral edema and a reperfusion coding.  We're not going to know what kind of damage its done to his brain.  We don't even know if he's going to wake up.  I crossed a line today," Miranda confesses to her boss.  

"So did I," Richard also confesses.  

Today especially, Alison realized how fragile life can be.  She believed in Heaven.  She believed in medical miracles.  As she was able to help Jackson out (hopefully one last time) and then seeing how Derek's patient took life for granted.  She didn't.  

Alison couldn't help but think about what Arizona said about Izzie.  This wasn't the Izzie she knew.  She was going to try and talk to her tomorrow.  Even she knew that talking to dead people was not normal.  It was not something to take lightly.  Something was wrong.  

She would cross that bridge tomorrow but tonight?  She was going to be with her fiance in his bed before they could come home tomorrow.

"I love you," she murmurs to him as she traces his jaw and was now laying in his bed with him.

They had finished eating and were now cuddling.

"Mmm I love you too," he tells her and kisses her softly.  

He believed in Heaven too.  

--

How do you think Alison is going to react to Izzie's cancer news?

And react to how Alex treated it when she told him she was seeing ghosts?

I want to apologize for taking so long to get this chapter up.  I know I said I would get it up on Christmas Eve and I didn't.  But I do want to thank everyone who hasn't gotten mad at me or pressured me to update.  You have no idea how much I appreciate you!  Because its honestly hard coming up with over 6000 words.  

7000 words later, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!!  I'm sorry I haven't been updating my books as much this last year.  I started a job working in a hospital March 2023 and unfortunately one of the girls is making it really hard to be there.  There's nothing I can do about the situation except wait to hear back from cardiology research department to see if I'll be able to transfer into their department.  Wish me luck please!