I wondered why Tom was drowning in misery when Summer left him after watching 500 Days of Summer. I wondered why Allie couldn't just forget Noah and move on from him after watching The Notebook. I wondered why Clementine seeked for a fucking insane therapy to forget Joel after watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I wondered why it was so painful for them to get on with their lives after a break up to the point that I thought they were being overdramatic. But then I knew. I knew exactly how they felt.

Regret, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion and loneliness consumed me as I left the love of my life. The pain was real and overpowering. It felt like someone grabbed a mallet and hammered my already torn heart, the pieces of it falling out of my reach. Every single time an image of him flashed in my mind, my heart jumped to my throat and threatened to burst out any time. The tears filled up as anticipated and rolled down my tear stained cheeks. I was too exhausted to even wipe off the tears, so I let them leave trails on my cheeks. After all, as he said, tears are meant to let go.

»»---------------------►

The pitter patter rhythm when the raindrops hit the glass windows and the intoxicating petrichor that filled up my lungs, as I stared at the scenery in front of me, made my mind less weighted. I was sitting on my window seat and watched the downpour for hours in silence. I compared my mind with the clammy mud involuntarily- both murky, messy and drowned. The hot chocolate that Zinnia brought me two hours ago was left undrunk as I felt like throwing up whatever that went down my throat.

It had been two and a half weeks since our break up. Danish tried calling me, explaining to me but it was all futile. What he did to me- going incognito, what he said to me- constant feeding of lies and what he was trying to do- taking advantage of a philophobic, were drilled into my mind that impaled my soul and left me in a vicious cycle of agony. I blocked him on every social media to stop receiving texts and blocked him from my life to stop having memories of him. But nothing worked, as memories were the worst slow poison that could kill even the Aphrodite above.

I screamed at him, yelled at him, cursed him to get out of my life. But when he did, I could feel that emptiness. A pothole that was formed from a small crack which was filled with lonesome. I just wished for this dreadful phase to end. I just wished to forget Danish and move on with my life, even if it was meant to be all alone and loveless. But then again, I did this to myself.

"Elka?" Zinnia called from the other side of my closed door.

I sighed heavily before saying, "Come in."

She opened the door and closed it behind her before taking steps towards my bed.

"You didn't drink it?" she asked, looking at the untouched hot chocolate on my study table as she sank down on my bed.

I shook my head. "No. I just don't feel like drinking it," I said, looking down at the floor.

"Understandable," Zinnia said, looking at me and giving a tight smile. "Why don't you come out? You have been cooped up in this room for almost three weeks."

"I will. But right now, I just don't feel like it."

"Again, understandable," she said, making me look at her. "Elka, I know you're burning inside. You even skipped college all these weeks to avoid Danish. Your teachers and classmates are asking me about you as Amy didn't tell them anything. You can't stay like this forever, girl. So tell me, how are you feeling? You don't have to hide your pain. It's me, just me. Feel free to tell anything, everything."

I sighed before taking a deep breath and let it out shakily.

"I don't know Zinnia. I'm so lost and confused and numb and broken," I said as Zinnia nodded her head. "It feels like something is up my throat and is constantly clawing. My heart feels so heavy and my head is smarting. And with that the goddamn tears won't just stop! I'm so tired, Zin."

Zinnia nodded her head and patted on her side to which I walked and took a seat beside her. As I sat down, she rubbed my back in circles, trying to sooth me. But it didn't work though.

"If I knew break up was this fucking painful, I didn't dare think about falling in love. I would have been all happy being some lonely love deprived bitch. I swear to God!" I said and hid my face in my hands resting on my knees.

I heard Zinnia sighing and coming closer to me. I felt her arms wrapping around my waist and her head leaning on my back.

"Elka, it is painful. Love isn't as simple as that girl. There will be moments of pain, tears, breaking from within, messing up our mind and it's quite natural when someone is deeply and madly in love. I felt the same, probably the worst when Amy became Clay's. I really loved her. Her smile, her laughter, her shyness, everything. She wasn't my first love but I wished her to be my last. But life doesn't always go as we plan. Life can be cruel as fuck, Elka. And it can kill us when it plays with our loved ones."

I looked at her as she sat straight, our bodies facing each other. She took my hands in hers and caressed it slowly.

"I know Danish was everything to you. Even if you didn't express it with him or us, I know it clearly that you loved that guy to the core. You dreamt to be with him for the rest of your life and you saw a whole new colorful life that is filled with unicorns and rainbows. We know you loved him so fucking much but what to do? He turned out to be a jerk. A playboy."

I chuckled before saying, "Yes. Elka Alastair always despised playboys and her own fucking boyfriend is a playboy. I mean ex. Well, how ironic can it be? Can't blame anyone as I dug my own grave!"

"Elka. Stop being hard on yourself. It's not your fault he's a playboy. It's not your fault that he lied to you and acted innocent in front of you."

I nodded my head while sniffing and wiping my red nose with sweater paws.

"Hey!"

We turned our heads to the door to see a panting Lily, with a hand on her back and another one on the door frame. Upon seeing us, she smiled at us as she tried to catch her breath.

"Lily, why did you have to climb stairs?" I asked as she walked towards us and sat on my bed beside me.

"Why? Because I haven't seen my baby for two weeks! And that stubborn baby wouldn't come downstairs so I had to come upstairs. Simple!"

"Lily..."

"What? I need to check on you anyways," she said, caressing my cheek.

I smiled at her and leaned into her touch. She was right. She missed her baby and so did I miss my mom. My Lily mom.

"I'm sorry," I said, my eyes closed.

"Don't be, El. I know how it feels. I have been there twice," she said, making me look at her and smile. "Everything will be fine. This pain, it will be gone for good. Trust me, you deserve the best."

I shook my head vigorously, making Lily frown.

"You said the same when I dated Danish. That I deserved happiness nevertheless. Now where am I?"

Lily looked at me with sorrow in her eyes. She looked at Zinnia and back at me.

"El, why don't you talk to Danish? Hear him out, hear his side of the story. I'm sure there has to be an explanation," Lily said, making my head snap towards her.

"What explanation? He's a fucking playboy who wanted to play with me, use me and throw me. But he failed. That's it!" I said, throwing my hands in the air.

"No, Elka. See, if he just wanted to sleep with you, he could have done that before. But he didn't even kiss you without your consent. If he just wanted your body, he could have been coquettish. But instead, he was a loving, caring and a boyfriend that any girl wishes for. And I don't think he was pretending to be one because how long can someone put on a mask? At some point, they will be tired."

"Ok firstly, Elka will not fall for his charms and gives her v-card to him that quick. Secondly, what if he was challenging himself to get Elka under his sheets as she is definitely hard to get? You know, there are some fucking jerks like that and what if that Danish is also one?" Zinnia interrupted and threw questions at Lily which made her sigh and shake her head in disapproval.

"I agree. Elka isn't an easy target and any guy who talks to her will realize that in a second. But did you forget the day he called Andrew to check on Elka that night? Then how his eyes welled up when she ran away from him soon after he asked her out? How happy he was when Elka agreed to go on a date with him? How he took cute photos of hers every now and then? How happily he gave her a piggyback ride when she was too lazy to walk on the night we all went out the day my parents visited? How he made her happy by coming here with chocolates and ice-creams when she was on her period? How he stayed awake all night and wrote assignments for her? How he stood by her side and helped her break down the wall? How worried he was when Elka blacked out and stayed with her for three long hours, calling us to not worry and that he will take care of her?"

Lily's eyes left Zinnia's and landed on mine.

"Did you forget all that, Elka?"

I was out of words. Her words kept playing on reels in my mind. She was true. The way he cared for me, the way he looked at me, smiled at me, made me happy, held me. How could someone disguise that much? How could someone sacrifice that much?

"Elka, baby," Lily called me. "All I'm saying is talk to him. Hear him out. Hear his side."

I slightly nodded my head.

"You were the one who tied me and Andrew together when we were on the brink of tearing apart. You stopped me from throwing him out of my life and asked me to hear him out. He poured his heart out and look at us. We are happy and waiting for our little one to join us!"

I let out a small laugh and caressed her belly.

"Likewise, talk to him. Give him a chance. Something in me tells me that Danish is not the guy we heard about. He might have changed, for good and only wants good things in his life. You're one among them, Elka, probably the only good thing in his life."

I didn't say anything but just sighed. I didn't know if I had to give him a chance, to clarify if there was anything to get clarified. I didn't take Lily's advice wholly. I wanted time to think about it.

"Now come," Zinnia said, patting my shoulder. "Come downstairs and join us. We have been missing our Elka for two fucking weeks and I can't stand that anymore. This house is lifeless without your annoying presence, right Lily?"

"Oh, yes! That's why I climbed the stairs with this belly!" she said and after two weeks of grief and ennui, I laughed genuinely. And it felt so good that I gave the girls bone crushing hugs, being aware of Lily's belly though.

»»---------------------►

It was around six in the evening while we were watching Coco, munching on chips. My legs were sprawled with one on top of Zinnia's thigh and the other one dangling, not touching the floor. Lily sat separately as she said her baby would pop out anytime if she sat between us.

Our happy time was interrupted by a door bell. Saying she would take a look, Zinnia got up and went towards the door while my attention went back to the movie.

"Elka, someone's here for you," Zinnia said from the doorstep.

Puzzled, I looked at Lily before getting up and went towards the door. I mouthed 'who is it' to which Zinnia shrugged, moving out of my way and stood behind me while I came face to face with a guy who was in his late 20s. He looked familiar to me but couldn't recall precisely as he didn't have eyebrows and hair which was covered with a beret cap.

I stared at him with a frown between my brows and when I opened my mouth to ask him who he was and what he wanted, he said, "Hi, Elka. I'm Daniel, Danish's brother."

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough