I felt a kiss. 

I abruptly sat straight and snapped my head towards Danish. He was looking at me, worried and tensed. The goofiness I saw in his eyes a few minutes before was replaced with something, something I couldn't figure out. And I was pretty sure it wasn't lust. 

I was looking at him with my lips apart as my breathing was being unsteady, just like the first days of meeting him. The light displaying from the wide flat screen fell on the side of his face. His eyes, his dark brown eyes were reflecting the intense romantic scene between the two lovers in the movie. I noticed the pace of his breath changing, being like mine, making us on par. I wasn't sure if it was a few seconds or minutes that passed by, with us looking at each other without blinking our eyes. 

Danish slowly leaned forward without breaking our eye contact. I could feel his hot breath passing between his lips and feathering mine. He closed his eyes, making me follow him, as I waited for his thin lips to be pressed on mine. 

But as our lips brushed, my eyes shot wide open again and I moved back. He came to a halt and opened his eyes, as he felt the absence of my lips. 

He saw me, leaned backwards on my hands, my chest heaving up and down. My palms were sweaty, making my grip on the leather couch slightly slippery. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat while looking at Danish, who was tensed and worried and staggered than before. I was pretty sure that my reaction came as a bombshell. 

"Wh-what happened, Elka? Are you alright?" he asked me. 

I broke my gaze from him and looked down. 

"Elka?" he called me, bringing his hand to caress my face which I jerked away. 

He sat straight and I swear, he couldn't be anymore shocked. 

"Elka, I'm- I'm sorry. I di-didn't mean to. I'm sorry," he apologized. 

I couldn't look at him anymore so I just kept my eyes down, trying not to meet his. 

"Elk-"

"I think you should go now, Danish," I said, cutting him off. 

He looked at me with knitted eyebrows and asked, "Wh-what?"

"Don't make me repeat it," I said, clenching my fists that were now resting on my lap after I wiped the sweaty palms on my pajama pants.

He looked at me and before he could say anything, I said with a high voice, "Just go Danish, please. Leave!"

Danish swallowed the lump in his throat, making his Adam's apple bounce. He pushed his hair backwards and took a deep breath before nodding and saying, "Ok."

He got up from the couch, took his jacket which was lying on the armrest and stood there without moving an inch. I didn't spare him a glance even though I could feel his eyes on me. I covered my face with my hands that were resting on my knees, hoping that he would walk away soon. I didn't want to see his face. 

Not because he tried to kiss me, but because I didn't want to see how hurt he was. 

"I'm sorry, Elka. I really am," he said one last time and walked towards the door. 

My face was still covered as I heard the front door open and close after a few seconds. I heard him starting his bike and rode off, the sound of his bike's engine being faint to my ears.

I opened my eyes and looked straight at the T.V. I saw Ryan Gosling walking away from Michelle Williams as she severed all ties with him, putting an end to the sui generis love they had. A tear rolled down my cheek as I felt what I was seeing right in front of me was reflecting what happened to me right now. 

The clock struck seven and it was sure by now that Lily would be staying at Andrew's today. 

I wiped the tear stain harshly from my face, switched off the T.V and took the ice cream to the kitchen to dispose of it and went to my room. 

I laid on my bed, staring at the grey ceiling and recalling probably the worst thing that could ever happen between me and Danish.

I thought that I was not philophobic as I thought I would be whenever I spent my time with Danish. I was beginning to feel like a normal teen who wasn't skeptical anymore and believed that one day, some sort of magic will happen to me. I was beginning to feel relieved that I didn't have to worry about my love life anymore. 

But I came to know that these were just some hopeless thoughts I built up a few days back. The realization hit me again, but with a blow this time, that I was philophobic. I was one.

I massaged my forehead letting out a long sigh. I took deep breaths to calm myself but all that followed the breaths were sobs. My eyes welled up again and this time, I let it out. I let it out as I lost hope in my love life. I let it out as I lost hope in us, in me and Danish.

»»---------------------►

I opened my eyes slowly as the streaks of sun made its way through my open window. I woke up and sat straight. I didn't know when I slept after crying my eyes out but I was exhausted. 

I sighed as I thought about college. I was relieved that the college was closed so I didn't have to face Danish but at the same time, was also upset as college would have done some fairness to me to take my mind off Danish. 

I really need a break. 

As I was about to get up, my phone rang. I took it from the nightstand and looked at the caller ID to find it was my mom. I sighed again as I was asking myself whether to attend it or not. After a few more rings, I took the call. 

"Good morning, sweetie. Did I wake you up?" my mom asked with her bouncy voice.

"No, you put me back to sleep by calling me," I replied. 

"Oh, Elka..." she laughed. 

"What is it?" I asked.

"Umm..well..it's vacation for you, right? So, I was thinking whether you would like to come here and spend some time with me and your dad," she said timidly. 

"You sure? I get to spend time with you both together?" I asked to which she remained silent for some time.

"Please, Elka. Come visit us. We miss you."

"I'm happy here. Even if I come there or not, what difference does it make?"

"You're Pappy is here."

My face instantly lit up hearing that. 

The only person that I was sure who would stay longer for my funeral among my relatives was my Pappy, my grandfather. But who knew if it was me or him that was going to occupy the grave first? I hoped it was me. 

"What? When did Pappy come there?" I asked, my voice filled with happiness. 

"Day before yesterday. Ever since he came, he's been telling me he wants to see you. He misses you so much."

Oh, Pappy...

"Come and visit us, Elka. At least for him, sweetie." My mom pleaded. 

I sighed. 

My pappy's face flashed in my mind. How I missed his stupid jokes, the stories that he would make up over night and narrated it to me, his round belly that I took for a punching bag, his wrinkled hands that I kissed before bed, his saggy cheeks that I pinched, his toothless smile that made any gangster's heart melt, the warm hugs he would give me whenever I felt low, his soft words that lightened up my mood as he knew I wanted it, even without me telling him. 

God, I miss him so much. 

"Yeah, I'll come. I'll come today itself. Not for you people but for Pappy. Only for Pappy."

"Ye-yeah, thanks sweetheart. I'll tell your grandpa right away that his dear Elka is coming to visit him. I'm sure he'll be happy that he's going to prepare that small tent in the tree house. I'll make your favorite dishes especially the lasag-"

I cut the call. I didn't want to hear anymore of her babble so I just hung up on my mother. I took a bath, put on some big comfy clothes and started to pack. I planned to stay with Pappy for three days and then come back here. I packed everything I wanted, from my panda sleep mask to laptop charger. 

I climbed down the stairs, carrying my duffel bag and walked towards the kitchen. I heard Lily's voice and I was glad that I wasn't leaving Zinnia alone. 

"Good morn-" Lily's words got caught in her throat as she saw me with my bag. 

Zinnia turned her head towards me from the newspaper, hearing Lily. She was as surprised as Lily.

"Where are you going all packed?" Lily asked me.

I chuckled seeing her face and replied, "I'm gonna visit my home. Mom called and she said Pappy is there and that he misses me. So I thought about visiting him. I'll be back in three days."

"Three days? You can stay longer. You haven't been there ever since you moved out," Zinnia said. 

"Nah, it's fine," I said offhandedly. 

"At least eat your breakfast and go," she said.

"Yeah yeah. I'm not in a hurry. I just packed my bag beforehand. I'll be leaving at noon since it's just one hour drive or maybe half an hour more because of the traffic."

"Come and eat your breakfast then," Lily said, keeping a plate of eggs benedict on the counter. "And here's your coffee."

I nodded my head and sat beside Zinnia. 

I remembered about Lily and Andrew while I was drinking my coffee, making me place the mug down and ask her, "So, how did it go between you and Andrew yesterday? Everything's fine?"

She gave me a shy smile before tossing her hair back from her shoulders, revealing her neck that was covered with a few hickeys.

Lily go, Andrew's house. Lily come, Andrew's hickeys. This was a routine. 

"Ok, ok. I got it. The talk went really well," I said, air quoting "talk".

Lily laughed at me while Zinnia patted my back and asked, "Jealous, much?"

"Jealous? Me? Why?" I asked, my face plastered with contempt. 

"Yeah, why would Elka feel jealous when she has a hottie like Danish sticking by her side 24/7?" Lily asked, making my breath stop.

Danish... Why the hell did she have to bring that name up now?

"Yeah. Talking about Danish, did he come here yesterday?" Zinnia asked, making my head snap towards her.

I thought for a second that my neck broke. 

"Wh-what..how did you know that? You were sleeping, right?"

Fuck you, Elka! Stop stuttering, you dumbass.

"Why the hell are you stuttering, girl? Did something happen? Did my prediction come true again?" Zinnia asked, leaning forward. 

I pushed her from coming any further to which she chuckled. 

"What? Danish was here yesterday? How come I didn't know that? Was he the one who bought those buckets of ice cream that are stacked up in the fridge?" Lily asked, folding her arms.

I nodded my head. 

"Even I didn't know that Elka invited him. I woke up to piss between my sleep and I heard Danish's voice," Zinnia said before stuffing her mouth with the eggs.

Lily looked at me with her eyebrows up, questioningly.

"Yeah, I called him as I was bored here all alone and we just watched a movie. Nothing else," I said, taking a fork to dig into my breakfast. "Why didn't you come out and sit with us if you woke up?" I asked, cutting a small piece. 

"I was still sleepy but I did peep to know what you guys were upto."

"Typical you," I said as I was about to eat the egg.

"And I saw something."

My hand froze hearing what she said. I turned towards Zinnia who was looking at me with a straight face. 

So she saw what happened? 

"Wh-what did you see?" I asked, making sure that my question didn't evoke any doubt in their minds. 

"I saw something."

"What did you see?" Lily asked, coming forward and standing beside me. 

"I saw...." Zinnia trailed off.

"What the fudge did you see?" Lily asked as she couldn't take it anymore with Zinnia keeping us on edge. 

My heart would jump on my mouth anytime. I held the fork tightly and prayed to God that Zinnia must be joking. I couldn't tell them why I reacted like that if they were going to ask me. I wasn't ready to tell them that I was philophobic. Not now.

"I saw Elka leaning on Danish's shoulder which was super romantic," Zinnia said, clasping her hands, something Lily frequently did. 

"Wow! Did you?" Lily asked me. 

That was when I realized that I was holding my breath all this time. I slowly let out my breath before smiling out of relief. I turned away from them and ate my breakfast, ignoring Lily. 

"Hey, I asked you something," Lily said, making me turn towards her again. 

"I was feeling dizzy after eating a whole bucket of ice cream so I rested my head on his shoulder. It's what normal friends do. There's nothing romantic about that," I said with a mouthful of eggs. 

"But it's romantic for us as it is Danish and Elka," Lily said.

"What's so special about him?" I asked without taking my eyes from the plate.

"You ask yourself. You know him better than us, right?" Zinnia said. 

"Can I get some water?" I asked Lily, trying to change the topic. 

Lily looked at me and gave a sly smile before nodding and went to take water. I drank the water while Lily stood across the counter.

"So, did Andrew say why he was like that to you all this time?" I asked her, keeping the glass down.

"It was the usual you-deserve-better thing. He said his headspace isn't right these days because he's having a lot on his plate. He didn't tell exactly what made him think like that but he apologized a lot. A lot means a lot lot for making me upset."

I smiled at her.

"He said he wanted some time of his own. Just like you assumed, Elka," she said, smiling at me. 

"I told ya!"

"Yeah, you did. And I'm feeling great after talking to him directly. Thank you guys for that," Lily said, looking at me and Zinnia. 

"Most of the time, talking is the only solution, Lily. And moreover, you guys are made for each other. So better fight for him no matter what because I swear, you won't find any other guy like Andrew," Zinnia said. 

"I know," Lily said, putting a strand of loose hair behind her ear. 

"Enough with giving classes. Now what's your plan?" I asked, turning to face Zinnia. 

"For what?"

"Mission Zinmy, duh!" I snapped.

A goofy grin appeared on her face as soon as she heard her's and the love of her life's names together. 

"I'm thinking about it. I'm planning to hang out with her. Just me and her."

"That's good. You saw how Amy and Ash were talking during the exams, right?"

"Yeah," Zinnia replied, nodding her head and looking down. "But she looked a bit distant from him during the convocation ceremony."

"Well, we can't risk anything. So better do something about her," I said. 

"Yeah, I will," she said, smiling widely. 

"What about your project by the way? Did all of those sleepless nights and hard work paid off?" I asked. 

"Our teacher postponed the date of submission. She said it's fine if we submit it the second year. We were actually glad she made a decision like that because we still haven't come across a philophobic we can interview for our project," Zinnia said and continued eating her breakfast. 

A philophobic is right beside you, Zinnia. I'm right beside you.

There's nothing else I can do
It hurts because I know that you
Are falling too
Falling too