TW:SH AND DISSOCIATION.

I woke up feeling shitty, like the bad shitty

I didn't feel like getting out of bed nor do anything, my stomach was growling I had to eat but I didn't want to I just wanted to know whether or not Johnnie would be okay as I cant check on him every day

Jake said he would take me so I reluctantly agreed as I took a shower and got dressed.

~•Outfit•~

I decided to wear the same thing I wore getting johnnie

It wasn't really a good choice but I went through with it

As I walked out of the Door and into the hallway I glanced at a small plastic box peeking out of a drawer so I picked it up to look inside

It was a Box of things I had received from johnnie i went back into my room to look inside

so A Pocket knife, An extra shirt, Ect, Just things he forgot to give me

God I love that man...

I blacked out for a moment seeing half a bottle of his cologne I smelt it with tears running down my eyes, as I put it down and grabbed the pocket knife

Holding the pocket knife in my hand I took the blade out and gently pressed it to my skin I didn't feel a thing I just knew what to do

cut after cut after cut it was all the same, I didn't hear anything I was just focused on my wrist not cutting deep but enough to draw blood

I dont remember how much time it had been it felt like ten seconds if I'm being honest..

I snapped out of it to the sound of screaming and crying as I looked to my right and it hit me, the sting of my wrists and my nose as I felt tears running down my face

"Lexi!!" I heard kat blurt out as I saw Jake silently crying as he tried helping stop the bleeding, I looked down at my wrist and started to noticeably cry

"Shit shit Im so sorry I didn't mean to fuck i-" Jake wiped the tears from my face as I heard a slam from the front door "Johnnie hurry up she's bleeding badly!" Kat screamed from the hallway as I heard johnnie sprinting up the stairs

I saw him mouth a small shit before he moved Jake out of the way "Lexi, Lexi Listen, hey" he hugged me it didn't help but I hugged back, he pulled away rubbing my back as I pulled my knees to my chest 

"tell me, what happened?" he said gently grabbing my hand and softly holding it as I hesitated to explain everything that happened.

"I uh- its stupid.. I dissociated and cut all it did was bring attention toward me I didn't mean to freak you out I just- I probably seem like a freak right now-"... "its not stupid lex you didn't know what was all happening, you couldn't control it" he cut me of with a small, oh fuck me I wish I didn't do anything I could've prevented all this

I started to feel the oh so familiar sting in my nose and the warmth of tears running down my cheeks Johnnie pulled me into another hug as I continued to cry

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have I'm fucking stupid and I'm sorrry for- ow Fuck" I felt a wet towel wrap around my wrist as Jake kept apologizing each time I jerked my hand back "you shouldn't have to apologize for simply cutting you Dissociated and that's that, we all make mistakes Lexi I think I'm a mistake sometimes I mean I fucking almost ended it last week."

Johnnie suggested staying for a few days and I agreed.

|_TS_|

it had been a few hours so now its 9:45PM and I still feel shitty, I feel shitty for cutting and making a scene, I feel shitty for breathing, I'm fucking lonely and that's that, that's why I continue to cry myself to sleep every night, I don't like venting I feel horrible after doing so,  all my problems are the least of yours I shouldn't have to make you feel shitty for my own feelings it sucks being me

if only I put myself in others shoes instead I'm being selfish and caring about my  problems over others... being a people pleaser isn't good for me its unhealthy and I should be able to say no But instead I sulk and curl up in my blankets and overthink at night because I'm your therapist instead I need therapy myself yet i don't want to do anything.

"hey what time do you and kat head to bed?" I heard Johnnies raspy voice and hands hug my waist, "usually, well for me anyway like 10:00, to 12:00." I smiled turning around, as his minty breath stood out from his faded cologne

"okay then do you want me to sleep in your room or do you have a guest room?" he smiled back our faces inches away, "it depends we have like three extra rooms what do you wanna do?" I planted a soft kiss on his cheek, his face turned cherry red... cute

he started to talk "if your comfortable I can sleep in yours." I nodded bringing him to my room as he sat on 'his side of the bed', he took his boots off a long with his jacket while I grabbed him PJ's and handed them to him

it was a My chem tee and some black loose leggings

 and I wore just a plain black shirt and some shorts with ankle socks I put it on and walked out the bathroom into my room and climbed in bed

I started to drift away as I felt arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer, "its gonna be okay Lexi." I smiled and it all went black.

I woke up with arms around my waist half expecting to see my new kidnapper but it was just Johnnie

I smiled pretending to be asleep as I heard him groan and I turned to see him rubbing his eyes

"good morning beautiful" I said as Johnnie smiled confused as he was "I'm supposed to say that!" he giggled "yeah but I can still say your pretty" I moved the hair still attached to his face.

"okay but...." he turned away grabbing his jacket and searching in his pockets for something "Tada!" he pulled out my old iphone he had gotten me when I was living with him.

I held my hand to my mouth "holy fuck Johnnie thank you so much I loved that case!" I hugged him and pulled away admiring the still in perfect shape phone I had gotten two years ago.

we went downstairs and got breakfast as I admired his pretty blue eyes.

A/N

this was deep and hard to write opinions?

if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm always there don't be scared to vent I'm here with you you aren't the only one<3