"[REDACTED], what's this?"

"My diary..."

"So you want to be a boy, huh? You're a tranny?"

"Please don't be angry, mother!"

"I'm not angry, [REDACTED]. I don't want you anymore. Pack your things, I packed the little shit's already."

"You'll be a little girl forever, [REDACTED]. Oh I'm sorry, François? Such a stupid name for a stupid girl like you, [REDACTED]."

"Walk with Marcel to wherever. Never come back, you're not welcome here."

"Goodbye, [REDACTED]. Marcel, don't let her corrupt you, you little mute retard."

-----------------------------

François stared at the picture of his mother.

"You evil bitch."

He looked so much like her. The curls, red hair, freckles, the smile. He's so fucking ugly. She made him like this. Why does he even keep her picture anyway? She surely doesn't have pictures of him anymore. He put it back in his pocket as he walked back to base. It was July in nowhere Wyoming. Lloyd said one of his friends were from here. He missed Lloyd. Why did he have to be all the way in Germany?

He thought of the night. The night with him in the river. The way he bubbled in the water like a toy. He already could imagine what his mother would say about it.

"I'm honestly not surprised, [REDACTED.] You've always been a bitch anyways."

"I'm not, you are."

"I've never did what you did, liar. He probably killed himself to get away from you, you ruin everything you touch."

"Shut up, mom. You ruined Marcel."

"Who's Marcel?" He looked up at Kim. He didn't even realize he was back and talking to himself.

His cheeks turned red. "Sorry, I talk to myself sometimes, I guess. Marcel's my brother."

"I do it too." Kim smoked a cigarette. "You have a brother?"

"Yeah, I miss him a lot. He wrote me a letter, though. At least he's doing well in school."

"Do you think Lloyd is mad at us?"

François chuckled as he laid in bed. "You're thinking of him too, huh?"

"Always."

"I don't know. I have no clue what he's doing, he can't call us until next week."

Kim put out his cigarette. "I hope he's ok." He added, "It'll be a waste of beauty if he kills himself."

"Dude, what the fuck?"

Kim muttered an apology before going quiet. François sighed and turned over to read. The other says things like that all the time so much that his commander thought he has some form of Autism. He wouldn't be surprised if he did. One time, after a patient died and he was crying to him and Lloyd about it, he said that at least they died getting burned instead of being blown into a million pieces. Lloyd thought that stuff was hilarious, François didn't.

-----------------------------

"Dauphiné! Choi! Phone call for you!"

They both rushed over and playfully fought over the phone before Kim answered. "Hello, General Sauveterre!"

"General Lloydie to you, Gunnery Kim!"

François stole the phone. "Are you ok? Are you doing well?"

"Oui, oui, mom. I read all my books, though. Please send more."

"Fucking nerd."

"Ed Sheeran looking ass."

Kim laughed before taking back the phone. "How's Germany? I heard they got pretty good bread there."

"It's ok, François spoiled me with his baking." Kim put the phone down so they could both hear it. "Franny, are you still baking?"

"Of course."

"Make me a baguette when I get back, you hear?"

Kim opened his mouth before he thought. "If you come back."

"Kim!" François slapped his head while Lloyd laughed on the other end.

"Kimmy, don't give Franny gray hair, would you? That's my job."

He sighed. "I'll be all gray before you get back with this big doofus around."

"Aww, that's my job!"

Kim laughed as François shook his head, smiling. "Opp, White wants to say something." There was shuffling. "Go ahead, you're on air."

"Hey guys, how's America? Do they say y'all and put guns in their burgers?"

"We saw a hamburger the size of Kim's head once."

There were two sets of laughter. "No way, that's crazy! Ok, you can have Lloyd back."

"Oh noo, I have to go now."

"Aww, bye!"

"See you soon!"

Once they hung up, François and Kim smiled at each other. Lloyd was fine! He wasn't angry!

On the other side of the world, White couldn't help but notice that was the first time Lloyd smiled in ages.

"You missed them, don't you?"

"No shit, White. I can't wait to see them again."

"Y'know, I saw you blushing when Dauphiné spoke. Does Mulligan know about this?" He twisted his curl, blinking his long eyelashes at Lloyd.

"Hush!"

White patted his back. "I bet when we fought today, you were thinking of him."

Lloyd crossed his arms and blushed. "I'm going to kill you one day."

"Not if this war gets me first AHHHH!" He pinned him down, and they fell on the floor, laughing.

He loved seeing the laughter and smiling return. He would glance at him sometimes, and he would look so upset. He never told him what's wrong, just that he was tired or missed his family. He took out a cigarette and lit up. Lloyd looked at the smoke that curled around itself before it disappeared. He's gotten used to the smell a long time ago. His uncle used to smoke as he would give him a bath or play piano with him. It smelled like home.

"Can I have one?"

White raised his eyebrow. "Have you tried it before?"

"No..."

White thought about it. They were both seventeen, fuck it. He put one in his mouth and lit for him after telling him how to do it. Lloyd did it, and he really liked it.

"Here, Tubby." He passed him a purple lighter and two packs. "When you run out, just buy more at ration. They're like five cents."

"You're the best."

-----------------------------------

He laid in bed that night. He thought of François. François, François, François. He shouldn't be thinking of how handsome he looked or how his voice made him flustered. He's terrible, well, they both are in a way. He thinks of his best friend the way he thinks of his boyfriend. François, he lies to him.

He got up to call Mulligan. He remembers his first time getting unlimited phone time. They spoke for two hours straight. He doesn't call as much as he used to or send letters anymore. He missed them. His boyfriend was able to go to Puerto Rico because of family things. He's staying with a friend from there.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Mully. What's up?"

"Oh, uh, right now isn't a good time. My brother is really sick and I'm supposed to be watching him. I'm sorry, babe."

He kicked his feet a bit. "Oh, it's ok. Can you tell me how James is before we hang up?"

"He's doing much better. Your brother got him a new leg."

"That's wonderful. I'll let you go now, ok? I lo-" the phone was hung up. He stared at it. That was odd, no more I love yous now?

He phoned Charles. He didn't pick up, it was six in the morning there. He phoned his parents. They picked up immediately.

"Bonjour and annyeonghaseyo, sweetheart! Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" He smiled at his mother's voice. He missed her sweet smell, her gentle eyes, even when her hair would get everywhere.

He got sad, so he smoked. "Yeah, but I can't really sleep. Are you sleeping, dad?" His father only replied with a shy chuckle. "Oh my goodness."

"We heard about you and that plane, are you excited?"

"Ehh, a bit." He coughed.

"Aw, is our gun-in sick?"

"No, just my cigarette." He slapped his forehead. He always tells on himself, he's so dumb.

His mother's voice for stern. "Cigarette? Lloyd, why are you smoking?"

"Oh, uh," he put the cigarette out. "I mean, I finished high school with honors. It's just a little treat-"

His father cut him off. "No smoking, alright? That's bad for you!"

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

"Good, good. Besides from that, how's everything else?"

Maybe he could loosen up. Just a bit. "Um, not really amazing. I'm pretty lonely."

"You'll be back with your friends soon, you know this mission is important."

"I know. I just-" he looked down at his legs. The scars were still there. "can I be honest?"

"You could tell us everything, you know that."

"I'm tired."

"Of?" Beom held her hand, he started to think about that man again.

"Of this war. Of this stupid mission-"

"It'll-"

"-of this life. I just want it to be over."

He covered his mouth. That wasn't supposed to come out, not at all. His parents sat there, Beom shaking as he heard the gunshot again. Marie, her hands shaky, took over the call.

"Are you suicidal?"

"Maybe...yes...." he started crying. "I don't know anymore!"

He heard his mother start crying on the other end. He remembered Sarah.

"Baby, you need to tell me. I won't tell anyone, it'll be between us and your father, ok? Did you ever try?"

Everything came down at that point. He cried, shook, and smoked again as he told them the night in the river. He stopped when he heard his father sobbing. He never heard his dad crying, it made everything so much worse.

"W-why?!"

"I-I don't know...I just kinda got really sad...I'm always sad..."

"This is why I didn't want him going...why, why, why...?" Marie rubbed his husband's back. He took the phone, reminding himself not to speak in Korean so she could understand. "Listen, ok? You need to get help immediately after this fucking war, no buts about it."

"Ok..." He felt like a little kid in trouble, being scolded by his father. "A-are you mad...?"

"N-no, and your mother isn't either. We're very worried." He swallowed, he couldn't believe he was asking this. "Do you hurt yourself?"

"Yeah. A lot...I'm r-really sorry!" He started crying again.

He heard his father curse in Korean before continuing. "Alright, look. I know you can't tell anyone. We're going to call maybe three time a day now, and you're going to find some way to cope until you can get help."

He stared at his lighter. "Smoking helps..."

There was a conversation on the other end before he answered him. "Ok, if it helps. But only one per day. No more than that."

"Ok."

"Lloydie-" Beom's voice was high pitched and desperate before he fixed it. "if you ever feel like that again, you need to call us. We'll pick up, we swear."

"I will." He smoked again. It was tenth one today.

He let Marie speak again. "Sweetheart, you should get some sleep."

"I know, I'm actually tired now."

"Ok, go straight to bed. When you wake up, call us."

"Ok, I'm sorry."

"There's no reason to be sorry. We love you very much." Her voice broke. "So much."

"I love you too. I'll let you go now."

She was scared to hang up, but Beom said goodnight and I love you before hanging up for her. They stared at each other before bursting into tears again.

Lloyd walked over to the ration and brought a pack, a bottle of water, and sleeping pills. He took all of them before crashing into bed.

-------------------------------

He woke up to White shaking him awake, desperate and soaked in sweat.

"They're attacking us. You gotta fight."

He groaned, still in a daze. "Ok."

--------------------------------

In August, François and Kim were moved to Greece. This was a great place. They loved all the music and food.

Lloyd stayed in Germany, depressed and tired, so very tired. Mulligan didn't call him, his parents were always on the verge of tears and panic attacks when they spoke, and he was sick. He couldn't get out of bed.

"Tubby," White stood in the doorframe, tapping his hands on the wall. "I know you're still sick, but you have to eat, I haven't seen you eat anything in a week."

"Later."

"That's what you always say. Cigarettes and water aren't food." He put a plate of fruit and vegetables on his nightstand. "Eat soon, then. You're wasting away."

He turned over and grinned but stopped. White looked so sad for him. "Ok, ok, I'll eat. Just give me some privacy."

"Ok, I'll back soon."

He closed the door. Lloyd picked up a slice of watermelon before crying again. He cries a lot, he doesn't know why anymore. He knew he looked ill, everyone saw it. His eyes were always red and sore, his skin was so pale, his hair was falling out and turning a dark shade of black in some areas, and he really was wasting away. He looked like a holocaust victim.

He stopped crying eventually and ate everything off his plate. He was alright for five minutes before having to run outside to throw up. White and the others said nothing when he came back and excused himself before going back to the room, blaming a cold.

"He must be bulimic." They whispered.

"Isn't that a girl's thing?"

"Yeah, but he's gay, no?"

"I think he's anorexic, he must be. Just look at him, a walking skeleton."

White wanted to yell at all of them to shut up. He saw him at night crying sometimes. He saw him cutting himself once and did try to tell his commanders but they refused to believe him. He won't be going, not now, before his big mission.

He walked into the room and saw Lloyd sleeping. He sat next to him, stroking his hair. He stopped when too much came off on his fingers.

"What's wrong with you? Why aren't you talking to me about this?" He looked away. "I'm worried."

----------------------------------

In September, they went back. Lloyd was happy again, although he refused food until later that night. Everyone was whispering now. White pulled François aside, who was oddly quiet and closed off.

"Dauphiné, do you know what's happening to him? Is he dying?"

"...I don't know..."

"You're lying, I can tell." He whispered to him. "Is he depressed?"

François, teary-eyed, nodded.

"Has he told you anything?"

"Not a single thing. I wouldn't ask. We'll upset him."

White thanked him and walked to Lloyd to give him a cigarette. François went to his room and cried into his pillow. It was his fault. Maybe he did try to off himself to get away from him.

"Franny? What's wrong?" He turned over to see Lloyd in the doorway. He almost got scared, he didn't recognize him.

"N-nothing!"

"Stop lying." He was bitter. They knew why. He sat next to him and stared into his eyes. "I knew you were lying to me that night."

François sat up. "I didn't know what else to do!"

"I know, that's why I'm not angry anymore." Lloyd stared down and played with his boney fingers. "You'll be happy to know that I didn't do it in Germany."

He held his hand, stroking his knuckles. Lloyd blushed and turned away.

"I'm sorry, you could talk to me. Please talk to me."

"I already told my parents, they're worried sick, I don't need you doing it as well."

François didn't push. "Ok, but if you really need to talk, I'm here."

Lloyd nodded. They both wanted to say more but didn't. He just patted his head, smiled at him, and walked away. François watched him leave, then touched his Star of David.

"God," he looked outside, the moon shining down at him. "Protect Lloyd. Keep him safe."

He felt a warm tear roll down his face. "And please, God, please forgive me, for I have sinned."