warning ⚠️; death of a loved one, paranormal stuff [ghosts], suicide!

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐫, 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭-𝐰𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐰 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐨. 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐬.

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Happy stared down at his wife's grave, his gaze empty, his dark eyes covered only by a layer of unshed tears. He still couldn't believe she was gone, forever, her body slowly rotting away while he was still here.

How could she just leave him and their daughter? Why was fate such an asshole and take away what he loved most? Leaving him heartbroken?

The raindrops pelted down on him, running down the leather of his kutte and his forehead, a small puddle forming around Gracie's fresh grave from all the rain. Almost timidly, Happy reached out and wiped a few drops from the image carved into the headstone, the first silent tears falling as he did so, his tense body trembling with anger and grief.

The guys were already gone, but he knew at least one of them was waiting outside the cemetery to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Gemma had taken the two-year-old with her, the girl clueless about what had really happened today, why everyone had gathered here.

It had torn Happy's heart into a thousand pieces when his daughter sat in front of the grave during the funeral and kept smiling and pointing at Gracie's picture, happily calling 'Mommy', not knowing that her mother would never come back.

He didn't even know if he would be still able to take care of his daughter, or if it would be better to leave her in Gemma's care, a place where she would have someone around her who was still capable of showing feelings.

"I'll find that bastard, I promise you", the SAA croaked, his voice almost failing mid-sentence. Sniffing, Happy quickly wiped his eyes, still staring at the grey gravestone with his bloodshot eyes. "And I'll make him suffer just as much as he made you suffer, baby."

At this point he was a complete wreck, unable to deal with his feelings. The darkness was eating him up from the inside, the thirst for revengeᅳ he just wanted to find the guy who shot his Old Lady and two other people in a robbery in the mall two weeks ago and do things to him that he had never done to anyone before, even if it meant he had to find new methods of torture.

Happy stayed at the grave, his soaked clothes clinging to his body as the clouds slowly cleared and the sky grew darker, night slowly setting in. He hadn't slept in days, his diet consisted of whiskey and dry toastᅳ when he could get anything down at all.

So he was sure that what happened next was just his mind playing with himᅳ and he let it happen. Two hands came to rest on his shoulders, her hands, massaging his tense muscles. But he didn't dare turn around, instead he just closed his eyes, still sitting on his knees, and pretended for a moment that everything was okay, that Gracie had never left.

"I'm still here", her soft, angelic voice whispered against his ear, her long, dark hair brushing his cheek. For a moment he even thought he could feel her breath brush his skin and smell her perfume. "I told you I'd never leave you. Now get up, go home and spend time with Annieᅳ you have to be there for our baby girl."

A shaky breath hitched in his lungs as her voice got thinner and thinner until finally there was only emptiness left again, leaving him depressed as hell. So that was what sleep deprivation could do to a person.

But somehow, for whatever reason, he finally got up after pressing a kiss against his hand, which he in turn pressed against the picture of his wife. Once he had straightened his shoulders, his features marked by grief, he left the cemetery, following the words of his imagination.

One thing was true; his daughter needed him as much as he needed her right now.

ᅳ

Many things had changed in the last year. Happy's ability to fully function and be there for his daughter and the club had diminished, his extreme drinking probably a big reason for thatᅳ but how else was he supposed to deal with the death of his Old Lady?

He had tried many options, slipped deeper into club shit for a while, became more brutal than he had ever been before. He deliberately got into fights, kept looking for the drunk driver until he actually found him.

Had his death, the torment that Happy had inflicted on him, made the situation any easier or better? Not at all. The SAA still felt like shit, the grief no less than before, the pain always there.

The only moments he found peace were when he was at home and played with Annie, smiling wearily as he watched the three-year-old talk to imaginary people. He knew it was Gracie; it wasn't for nothing that Annie always called this imaginary thing, whatever it was, mom.

Even at night, when he retreated to the bedroom with a bottle of whiskey after he was sure Annie was fast asleep, items fell off the shelves every time he decided to drown himself in booze, there were hollows in the mattress next to him as he slowly drifted off to sleep, and sometimes he even felt her touch, her soft fingers ghosting over his skin.

Sure, he could just be losing his mind, that was quite possible. But he knew it was her, or wanted to believe that his wife was still there. But that wasn't enough, he needed her, had to be with her.

And after a year, he just couldn't be without her anymore. He never thought he would love someone so much that he was willing to die with or for them. A part of him had already died the day he had lost Gracieᅳ and now he really wanted to be with her.

So, with a heavy heart, he spent one last day with Annie and only with her. He made sure he gave her everything she wanted. Having ice cream at her favorite place, going to the playground, buying all the toys she wanted, and finally a movie night with snacks and all.

When bedtime came around, he scooped his yawning daughter into his arms, rocking her like she was still his little baby.

"I love you, little pumpkinᅳ never forget that, okay?" His raspy voice held an unusual softness, pure pride in his aching chest as he watched her. "And know that I'll always be proud of you."

"Love you too, daddy", the little girl murmured, still flashing her father a smile despite how tired she was, her small frame comfortably curled up in his arms. "Mommy says she loves you too. She tells me that every day", she added with another yawn, her little fingers closed around his shirt.

Annie had always needed something between her fingers to help her fall asleep, since she was a baby.

Happy swallowed hard, his heart aching more at the words. His wife was here and he couldn't see her, he had to do something about it.

After Annie fell asleep in his arms, he just sat there with her for hours, unable to put her down. Only when his eyelids grew heavy and his body began to ache, needing it's daily dose of booze, did he take the three-year-old to Gemma's place, using the excuse of needing some time to himself after the matriarch had questioned him skeptically.

Back home, ready to put his plan into action, he grabbed a fresh bottle of whiskey, a letter to Annie, Gemma and his brothers already written and placed on the kitchen table, he dragged himself into the bedroom, sighing wearily as his weight sank into the mattress.

"I'll see you soon, little girl." He lifted the bottle before taking a long sip, smiling slightly as the first picture fell off the shelfᅳ it always started with their wedding picture. "Even as a fuckin' ghost still hot-tempered.."

The second sip followed, more things fell, then came the third, fourth and fifth until he finally forgot to count. Before he was too incapable to do it, he reached for his gun, loaded and ready.

"See you soon, baby," he said again, only slurring the words tiredly as he lifted the gun to his head.

One last time, Gracie seemed to give everything she could to keep him from destroying himself or worse, her ghostly form violently tugging at his wristᅳ and boy was she strong.

But he was still stronger.

ᅳ

The first thing he felt as he squinted his eyes against the bright light was a hard slap across his face, drawing a groan from him. Slowly, he finally recognized her delicate figure, his wife more beautiful than ever.

"Have you lost your fuckin mind?!", her more than familiar voice shouted, the most heart-wrenching sob leaving her throat. "Leaving our daughter behind? Hurting yourself? The fuck is wrong with you, Lowman?!"

She was pissed, screaming at himᅳ but that was okay, she was here, with him. Or rather, he was finally with her again.

As he picked himself up from the bedroom floor, already groaning in anticipation of sore muscles, he frowned in surprise when he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. All the pain was gone, his body filled with nothing but inner peace.

"You could've greeted me nicer", he grunted with the slightest of grins, wasting no time. He cupped Gracie's face in his hand, slamming his lips against hers as he pulled her close.

"You stupid idiot", Gracie sobbed into the kiss, clinging to him as if her life depended on itᅳ or rather her afterlife. "You could've at least waited until Annie was old enough."

"So she'd understand what I did and suffer even more?" Happy shook his head, his forehead resting against his wife's. "She'll be fine, little girlᅳ you know Gemma and the guys will take good care of her."

"But it's not the same." Sniffling, Gracie buried her face in the crook of his neck, her hands clutching his shirt tightly. "God, how I missed talking to you."

"I know you were always there", he croaked, still overwhelmed by the fact of actually being with his wife again. "But that wasn't enoughᅳ I fuckin' needed you."

"That still doesn't make what you did okay", she said frustrated as she lifted her gaze, her eyes filled with warmth and love, and leaned her hand against his cheek. "You know you're stuck with me for eternity now, right?"

"I mean, if we get on each other's nerves so much that we want to strangle each other, there's not much that can happen", he grinned with a shrug. "We could try some freaky shit, you know."

Gracie rolled her eyes, playfully hitting his chest without pulling away from him too much. "Oh shut up, you idiot."

"Admit it, you love that idiot", Happy chuckled, claiming her lips again for the most loving, passionate kiss, smiling to himself as he heard her soft sighs.

After a moment, his gaze slid to the bed they stood next to, studying his lifeless body lying on it, the blood splattered all over the walls. "I'd do the exact same thing for you again, I have no regrets, Gracie."

"I know you have no regrets", she murmured, the sight of her husband's lifeless form still traumatizing even in death. "Still, I would've wanted a long, happy life for you, baby."

"It wouldn't have been a happy life", he croaked against her dark hair, wrapping his tattooed arms around her. "At least now we can look after Annie together."

And that was exactly what they didᅳwatching Annie. Together they were always by her side and tried to guide her through life. And it was absolutely beautiful to watch her grow from the sweet little girl into a beautiful young woman.

After Annie turned five, she stopped seeing her parents, her childish imagination no longer childish enough to allow such things. Still, she always carried her parents in her heart.

Her father's kutte always hung on a hook on the wall after Jax gave it to her on her eighteenth birthday along with Happy's letter saying how much he loved her and how sorry he was for leaving her alone.

"I know you're always here", Annie whispered with a wistful smile as she read the letter, like almost every evening.

Her soft gaze was fixed on her father's kutte that was placed in her lap while her hand clasped her mother's necklace that always hung around her neck.

They were there, always. She couldn't see them anymore but she could feel themᅳand that gave Annie the comfort and strength she needed.