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『••✎••』

Dear YN,

I don't want to write this because I don't want you to feel guilty by telling my feelings but still I am writing because I want to accept the reality atleast for once. 

I am sitting at the Han river, getting reminded of the past because of those two kids playing, exactly like us, like you and me.

Remember, when we both were kids we used to make paper boats to make them race in this Han river. 

Maybe you forgot, but I still remember because my mind is full of the moments I spent with you, it's full of the moments I think about you.

Does that mean it remembers each and every second of my life?

The first day, when I saw you coming in the class for the first time, I was just 13 years old, it felt like my surroundings were freezed and it was just you who was moving. 

I want to thank our classteacher who made you sit with me because that's when you asked me for the syllabus and we talked for the first time.

You gave me a nickname too, you know I don't allow others to call me by that name.

Haha, the nickname. It's so cute, just like you.

We were just strangers then we became classmates, seatmates, friends and finally we are best friends.

I know, you always wonder why there is a Plumeria flower placed outside your door. Do you know who keeps it there everyday before you wake up and come out to walk in your garden? 

Who else? It's me. Pabo.

Haven't you ever noticed the plumeria plant in my garden, I waters them everyday so that they don't die and I can keep them at your door. 

Do you know one more reason why I do that? 

Just because when you see the flower you smile after smelling it. And also because your room is visible from my garden, I can see you when you roams back and forth learning your school notes or listening to your favourite songs.

Your smile makes me happy. Yes, I am selfish, I do that so that I can start my day happily.

Beautiful. Aren't they? 

But nothing is more beautiful than you.

Do you remember the day, when we were in high-school and you came to school very early. 

Haha, that was the first time ever when you came before me. I was really shocked seeing you sobbing because I had never seen you weak before.

I wanted to confess my feelings to you before you told me the reason why you were crying.

'I have a crush on Sunbae J... but I don't know how to confess to him.' was exactly your words. I am so jealous of him that I don't even want to write his name from my hands, especially in this letter.

And after hearing that I didn't want to confess to you.

You know how heartbroken I was. Despite getting hurt, I went to sunbae and gave him the chocolates that you made for him on Valentine's day.

Only if I had said,'I love you, YN' before saying, 'Why are you crying YN? Did someone say anything to you? Tell me, I will teach him a good lesson.' Maybe then we might have ended our friendship or we might have started our relationship.

I feel sorry for myself because even after all of this, I still continued loving you.

I love you very much, YN. 

I wished I hadn't cared for our friendship but I also feels good that I cared for it. Atleast we're still together.

I love you even after you told me that you're getting married. And your fiance is none other than the sunbae.

When you broke up with him a few months before I thought that was the golden time, I thought of confessing my love to you.

Looking at you crying into my arms, I wanted to kill the person who hurt you. 

It was you who was hurt but why was I feeling the pain?

I thought for many times, should I propose to you or not. 

But when I convinced myself and came to you, all I saw was, my YN was already in the embrace of the person who hurt her.

I was standing at your door with a bouquet of your favourite flowers and a pair of beautiful earrings inside my pocket, but when I peeped into your garden, he was hugging you.

The flowers dropped from my hands because my hands were trembling, my whole body was shaking.

I cried a lot after locking my room. I felt guilty for loving you. My body and heart felt numb.

You must have found the fallen bouquet at your door but this time I don't know whether you smiled or not, because I was busy shedding tears on my pillow.

Same like I am shedding my tears on this paper. I shouldn't else you won't be able to read what I wrote. I shouldn't cry.

I won't.

Is it a tragedy? Can't you be mine? I am tired of loving you, YN, I am very tired. Please end my sufferings.

Do you remember what your Mom used to tell you, 'Always be careful of guys because love is like playing with fire, you'll get hurt'

You never used to listen to her, but her voice was loud enough to come till my room.

Not only guys but also girls, because when I see you, my heart burns, because instead of being scared, I'm more attracted to you.

I can't stop myself from looking at you. I can't stop thinking about you. I am addicted to you, why don't you understand?

Look at me now, you are burning me up like this. My heart is burning, just for you, it's on fire just because of you.

It's cold here, you know winters are coming and I am wearing the same scarf that you knitted for me. I wear it every year since you gifted it.

It gives warmth, it makes me feel your touch that I have always craved for.

I have never thought of any other girl in my life. It was only you with whom I have imagined myself and it's still you.

Maybe I am dumb, but it's only for you.

I am scared to tell you how much I love you but I am never scared to show it.

Are you so immature that you can't even tell if someone is in love with you? 

You know, how lonely I feel without you. When you are not with me because you're with someone else, whom you think is totally in love with you. 

I know he loves you very much but I am sure I love you the most, more than anyone else.

Do you remember the day when we went to the beach and made a sand castle? We were too young back then. 

You said,'Tae, Can you gift a castle to me on my wedding day?' 

You looked so cute, your lavender colored floral dress was waving because of wind, so were your brown, wavy long hair. You know how cutely you were blinking your eyes, God, you were just fifteen years old. Your bare feet were buried in the sand and your hands were covered with sand too, that made you more pretty.

'I won't gift, but I will buy it then we both can live there.' I meant it when I said.

You got so shy that you were running away from me while giggling and I was chasing you.

I still have our photos in my album, whenever I look at them now it reminds me of all the moments.

Huh!

What do I do now? Tell me something please.

It's your wedding tomorrow but I don't have the courage to see someone owning you. But I also don't want to break your heart by not coming. 

One thing I want to ask you is why? Why? Just why can't you see my love for you?

Anyone can tell by seeing in my eyes that I am already in love with a fairy.

It's been thirteen years, thirteen years of this one sided love.

You always come to me to share everything but why don't you share your love.

I am craving for you, love. I am craving for your love, baby.

I feel helpless for not stopping.

I have come too far in this journey of love, but my destiny already has a visitor, who is becoming permanent tomorrow.

I want you to know how I feel. I feel jealous of him. I feel sad for myself. But I feel happy for you.

But I need to stop it now. I am just spoiling myself. 

I want to hate you, I want to stop myself from looking at you but I can't. My mind can agree but my heart refuses to avoid you.

My heart melts whenever you smile, it skips beats whenever you look me into eyes, it pounds hard whenever you touch me.

No matter how hard I want to stop myself, it's very easy for you to make me fall.

I fall for you each and everytime. I am still falling for you, more and more.

What should I do? I can't stand being so weak while I force myself to hide my tears

I need to bring an end to this love.

I am laughing , how can I write my feelings on a single sheet of paper when I have loved you for so long.

For the first and last time I want you to read my emotions through this but....

•••••

ᴘᴏᴠ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ

You were sitting in your bedroom looking at the gifts you got at your wedding.

It's been two days, you are married to your loving boyfriend, with whom you were in a relationship since high school.

He is your first and last love and you're very happy to live the rest of your life as being his wife.

He is very caring and he is loved by everyone in your family.

You were thinking about your best friend who didn't come to the ceremony nor did he inform you why he didn't come.

You are worried because he isn't answering your calls and texts. 

But you are sadly angry because he didn't even pretend that he is not going to come.

He is your best friend who is always with you in your good and bad times but he wasn't there on the most important day of your life.

You decided to open the gift he sent you through courier a day before the wedding.

You were too busy that day to look at who had sent it.

You separated a middle sized box wrapped in light brown paper that had bears printed on it. 

You unwrap it carefully, not tearing the wrapped paper as you used a paper knife to cut the taped part.

You open it and find that there are two boxes inside it. 

One box is very big, rectangular, wrapped in purple paper with purple glitter hearts printed on it.

Another box is a small one that has a purple velvet cover with silver ribbon.

You take them out carefully and smile at how neatly and lovingly your bestie worked on it.

Starting with the bigger box, you unwrap it. Your heart pounds so hard as you slowly reveal it.

You get a jaw drop at the sight when you see a canvas painting of a girl who is sitting under gingko trees. 

It looks like you and you know it very well that it is you. You're busy admiring the beauty of it but then your eyes fall at the letter that is inside the main box.

You pick it using your nails and bring it closer to your nose as you close your eyes while sniffing.

Your smile widens as you smell it because it smells like your favourite flower. You opens it and the first word you see is 'Dear YN'

You continue reading it .

┌───────────────────┐
│

Dear YN,

I am so sorry , I know you are angry with me. But before that Congratulations for your wedding, that is technically tomorrow.

I am so happy for both of you. God bless you and your family. 

I won't be able to come because I am suddenly going to another country due to some work related to my job. It is very important,  I know you will understand. 

Don't worry, I will see all the pics you will upload and I know you will look gorgeous in your wedding gown.

And this is for Jung Hoseok, please take care of our YN and I know you will take care of her very well. You got the best girl in the world, she deserves you too and you're the best match for her.

Look forward to your future.

I miss you, pabo.

Good wishes.

-Kim Taehyung

│
└───────────────────┘

You somehow feel calm after reading that, the warm smile on your face isn't leaving its place. You fold the letter and place it on the painting before picking the other box.

You brush your fingers at the velvety texture before opening it. 

It has no wrapping since it's a box that doesn't need paper wraps.

You open it quickly and your eyes widen when you find a beautiful pair of earrings resting in it.

They are big, resembling white flowers , white , pink and creamy pearl buds are attached beautifully with them.

You step down from your bed looking at the earrings in your hands and walking till your dressing table, you're still smiling like an idiot.

Firstly you put them infront of your ears to see the reflection in the mirror, as you make some poses.

You are excited to try them so you quickly take out the earrings you're already wearing.

You pick one piece and unlocks it , you're about to wear it when suddenly you feel someone's arms snaking around your waist.

"YN Baby" your husband says as he gives you butterfly kisses on your earlobe, it sends shivers down your spine. 

"Hobi baby" you say as he lifts you up in bridal style.

Your hand hung freely in the air dropping the earring on the floor.

You don't care as long as you're in your loving husband's arms, you wrap your hands around his shoulders as he takes you to his room.

ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ ᴘᴏᴠ ᴏᴠᴇʀ

•••••

...I don't want you to feel guilty as I already said. I will just make a paper boat of my feelings to drop it in the river.

I wish it sinks, drowning my emotions too.

It's sad but true, I am going to kill this love before it kills me too.

But,

I still love you

-Your Winter bear

『••✎••』