hannah's pov

i felt like i was some kind of princess locked in a tower as i looked out of of the glass doors of my balcony and gazed at the view. it was a stupid analogy but it's exactly how it seemed because i felt trapped.

i wanted to see him but it never seemed like the right time, and the words i thought of in my head never seemed like the right words to say to him.

everything felt bitter sweet in the moment. i was happy to see jj's face the moment john b and sarah had come out of the car. i felt like a weight had been lifted off of me, like john b and sarah were some sort of secret i was keeping even though jj knew about them.

it felt like that a lot during the entirety of the two weeks that the john b and sarah had to wait in my house until they could reunite with their friends. it just felt like i was keeping another thing from jj, like i was just fucking everything up again.

i know that's drastic of me to even think but it was the truth of how i felt in that moment. the sky was empty, of clouds and of birds, and even the sunlight felt cold that peaked through my window.

i was lost in my thoughts when i heard a knock at my door. i whipped my head around to see the blonde boy that i couldn't seem to get off my mind, standing there right in front of me.

"hey," the boy whispered.

"jesus you scared me," i breathed out, holding a hand to my chest and feeling my rapid heartbeat.

"oh uh sorry," he muttered, "your dad let me in."

"oh," is all i could say back to the boy. the tension was thick in the room as we stood in silence, knee deep. i could feel the fear in my chest, about the words that might be soon spoken. the tight feeling just sat like an angry ball, propelling towards me an anxiety i didn't need.

"i just um," jj began, "i thought we should talk."

"ok," i said in a voice so soft i'm sure he could barely hear it. i let out a slow controlled breath and attempted to loosen my limbs before sitting down on my bed and gesturing for him to do the same.

my legs were crossed, pretzel style, and i placed my hands on my lap, fiddling with my fingers as i always did when i was nervous.

"are you.. are you okay? i know it's probably been hard for you having to process all of this and take everything in. and i know how much-" i rambled on.

"hannah," he said softly, cutting me off with a small smile on his face.

"sorry," i muttered.

"i'm.." he began, "i'm okay. i'm good."

"good," i said. all i wanted for him was to be happy.

at this point it seemed like silence was the only thing we knew. the dreadful quietness being the only thing that connected us in the moment.  

"hannah," he called and i looked up instantly into the bright blue eyes that i had missed so much. "i'm so sorry."

"what?" i breathed out, stunned by his words. what did he have to be sorry for?

"you made a mistake hannah," he said, gazing at me with pained eyes. "but we all make mistakes. hell, do you know how many mistakes i've made in my life?"

"jj"

"a thousand, i've made a thousand mistakes.." he trailed off for a moment. "and letting you go was my biggest one so far."

i instantly looked down at my hands again after hearing his words. the nausea swirled unrestrained in my empty stomach and my head swam with half-formed regrets.

"i shouldn't have lied to you," i mumbled, shaking my head side to side.

"i know and i forgive you hannah," he pressed.

"you shouldn't forgive me that easily," i looked up at him, my voice strained. "jj you shouldn't forgive people that easily. you deserve the best people in your life. i'm not just talking about how i fucked up right now, i'm talking about all the other people who have fucked you over in your life. jj you deserve better than that."

"hannah you don't understand," he continued as if he didn't listen to a word i had said, "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

i bit my lip as the nerves in my body burned every inch of my skin like they were fire. i couldn't possibly be the best thing to happen to him, i wasn't good enough to deserve him in the first place.

"all i wanted was you, when i found out john b and sarah were alive," he said, his voice weak. "i needed you because you had become my rock... the person who i knew could always pick me up when i was having whatever kind of episode at the moment.

"it was so hard," he said putting his head into his hands, "to process everything and not have you there by my side. you always made me feel safe."

without the ability to speak in that moment, as i choked back tears in my eyes i moved closer to him to wrap my arms around his torso. he immediately put his head in the crook of my neck and engulfed me in a tight hug.

he was right, it did feel safe to be in each other's arms.

he shifted slightly so he could wrap around me even tighter, like he was afraid to let go. hell, i was afraid to let go.

we pulled away slowly and gazed into each others eyes for a moment too long. it was then that jj leaned in so i could feel his breath on my skin, before hesitantly placing his lips on mine in a gentle kiss.

it took me a few moments before i kissed him back softly. once his tongue slipped into mine i knew the kiss meant more then what it led on to be. it was hungry and desperate and full of passion that ignites.

i had almost forgotten the way our lips fit like puzzle pieces as they moved against one another. i gently fell back onto the bed, our lips not disconnecting for a moment as jj crawled on top of me and i wrapped my legs around his torso.

his hands work their way around my body. his familiar smell that i had longed for was numbing my senses to the point where i could barely think, like he was some sort of drug.

"jj," i breathed out suddenly, turning my head to the side.

"is there- did i do something wrong?" he asked, worry etched on his features.

"i- i can't," i quickly wiggled myself up to a sitting position as jj's arms were still propping him up on either side of me.

"what-" he began before i could cut him off.

"jj i-i have to leave tomorrow, a-and i don't deserve-" 
"don't," he warned, "don't finish that sentence. hannah you.. you deserve the world."

i chewed on the inside of my cheek as i tried to fight back the tears threatened to spill out. i cupped his face in my hands and rested my forehead against his own. 

"that doesn't change the fact that i still have to go home," i choked out. "and all i want is for you to be happy jj. it would.. it would be too difficult."

"hannah," he said, his voice breaking.

"please just.." i faltered, "if-if you really do forgive me then please just trust me." he looked at me with sad eyes as i rubbed my thumb over his cheek with softly. 

he slowly slid over to the edge of the bed and stood onto his feet. i got up behind him, ready to walk him over to the door to say our final goodbye before he turned around suddenly.

"can i ask you something?" he whispered.

i nodded my head, as i gulped down the knot in my throat.

"did you mean it?"

"what?" i breathed out.

"what you said the day before you left, outside of the chateau. did you mean it?"

he was listening to me that day, i knew it. and he had heard me tell him that i loved him. he was asking me if i truly loved him.

fuck.

"jj it wouldn't change anything," i began, shaking my head. it was getting harder to hold back the tears that so badly wanted to escape from my eyes.

"yes it would," he cut me off and i looked up into his blue eyes once again that were so passionately and intently focused on me.

"please," i choked out, "please don't make this harder than it has to be." inevitably the tears started to roll down and he quickly used his thumb to wipe over my cheeks in hopes of making them disappear.

i wish he could make the pain disappear too.

he hung his head at my response and i grabbed his hand and squeezed it as i led him out of my room and down the stairs to my front door.

"i guess this is goodbye," he whispered, i could tell he was holding back tears of his own.

i stood on my toes to connect my lips with his one last time in a lingering kiss. the pain of pulling away from him was indescribable.

he rubbed a thumb over my cheek as he looked down at me, i dreaded this moment. i had to say goodbye to the only person that i felt cared, to the only person i felt happy with.

i remember when i had first moved here i had been thinking about something my grandma had once said to me: "life is a repeated cycle of getting lost and then finding yourself again. there are many smaller cycles within that cycle where you get lost to a smaller degree and then remember yourself again. sometimes you do it to yourself on purpose, consciously or unconsciously. every time you get lost it is so that you can learn something or experience something from a different perspective."

i realized in this moment, that jj had found me. he helped me find myself again.

"jj," i called out to him as i watched him walk away. he turned around to face me again before i continued. "i think you know my answer."

and with that i had closed the door, resting my forehead on it. i hoped this would make sense soon, that the pain would end and it would be worth it, because right now it felt like it never would.