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chapter eighteen.
you can forgive yourself now.
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        When Monty returned to the control room for the first time all day, he doesn't look June in the eyes. All he mentions is that he saw the rover returning past the broken gate before he's gone again. She can see the pity in Raven's features when her face falls but she ignored it, knowing it's what she deserved after the risk she took, taking Monty away from his mother in the process. June hadn't touched the computer since then, terrified she'd mess something else up for them. She followed Raven out of the control room, appearing in the bay in time to see her friends pile out of the rover.

Relief filled June when she counted them. No one was missing. "Glad you made it back," Monty greeted them.

"We were getting worried," Raven added, limping towards them. Her smile dropped when she did her own headcount and realized that someone was, in fact, missing. "Where's Luna?"

"Luna said no," Octavia delivered the news tightly. She marched around the rover and it's then that June realized that they actually did come back with an extra guest.

A tall man with his wrists bound in front of him stepped out without any assistance. June halted at the sight of him. He has long hair that's pulled back tightly, exposing the white scars decorating his face. His armor covered his muscles, animal fur poking out of it. She's not only intimidated but attempting to pinpoint where she knew him from. It took a few seconds of June thinking so hard that her mind hurt before it clicked. The Ice Nation warrior who held Clarke captive. He had been dirtier then, covered in mud and wearing less armor, but she knows it's him.

The only question is, what the hell is he doing here? June glared in his direction, her brown eyes flickering up and down his stature. There's a blood spot on his shoulder, seeping through his clothing. "And who the hell is this?" She demanded to know.

"He's Ice Nation," Bryan spit out from where he had arrived with his boyfriend and Harper. June could see that by the scars and what he was wearing and was hoping for a name, but she decided to let it go.

"King of the Ice Nation, actually," Clarke corrected. She tilted her head. "And he's our way into Polis."

"This way, your Highness," Bellamy says sarcastically, giving the Ice Nation King a shove. He gestured to Miller and Harper, possibly deciding that Bryan's head was foggy with anger. "You two, on me. We'll take him to lockup," he instructed. The two guards nod and comply, positioning their guns as Bellamy very forcibly guided their prisoner to lockup.

While they leave, Raven seemed to put the pieces of Clake's plan together much quicker than any of them could have. "You want to use him to get to Ontari," she stated.

Confirming this, Clarke nodded. "Yes."

"Why?" June asked in disbelief. She stared at her best friend for a moment before understanding as well. "You want to make Ontari the Commander." The very same Ontari June thought Clarke described as a ruthless, cold warrior who cut the heads off of sleeping children wanted to be Commander. June sighed and shook her head. She supposed Clarke wouldn't want that without a reason. "What happened to his arm?" She questioned next.

"Bellamy shot him," Jasper cut in with a bored tone.

Monty scoffed. "Good luck getting him to cooperate." June watched with sad eyes as he walked away. She didn't expect Roan to be any more compliant than he had to be, unless Clarke explained the whole ALIE situation as best as she could, given that grounders were utterly clueless on any and all technology.

So June has to do her best to hide her surprise when she goes to help her friends load the rover with supplies, soon joined by the rest. Miller had appeared to toss a bag in the back, reaching in to pull out a can. "Knockout gas," he announced. "Mount Weather's finest. As soon as they bring Ontari out, we put them to sleep."

"Nice," Bellamy complimented.

"Very," June agreed in muse. She clapped Miller on the shoulder, hopping out of the rover when she finished packing in the last duffle in place.

Raven is placing a machine in Bellamy's arms. "... Because she's chipped, you'll have to EMP her like you did me before you give her the Flame," she was explaining. Bellamy nodded and, with Miller's help, brought it into the rover carefully.

"I thought Jaha destroyed all the wristbands," Jasper pitched in, sounding confused. June winced at the memory of Jaha smashing all of the wristbands after cuffing her and Jasper together.

"So did he." Raven grinned and gave them a shrug. "Then I came home. There's only enough usable parts to rebuild one, so use it wisely. Made a few improvements, too," she said proudly.

"None of which is gonna matter if you can't get us access to ALIE's code," Clarke pointed out.

"You worry about the Nightblood," Raven countered. Her gaze left Clarke and moved to June, giving her a warm smile. "We'll worry about ALIE."

The curious questions take a turn when Jasper spoke. "How can you access a code that doesn't exist anymore?" June had to turn her head away before she could see the same emotion in his features that were in Monty's, guilt twisting its way like a knife into her once more.

At least Monty doesn't sound furious like he had earlier when he responded. "We've got a plan," he said calmly. June knows they've discussed trying again a few times, having not talked about a solid idea, but she didn't argue, afraid that she'd only make it worse. Between Raven, Monty, Jasper, and June, they'd figure something out. It was probably just to reassure Clarke anyway that they'd be okay on their end.

Heavy footsteps wander down the steps leading to the bay that makes June turn her head. Octavia, by the King's side, was sporting new gear, as was he. An array of weapons lined his belt and he held a dark expression, prepared for war. "What are we waiting for?" Octavia called out.

Bellamy shut the rover's door before deciding it was time. "Let's move out."

"Be safe," Clarke said softly, pulling Monty into a quick hug. She moved onto June next, who already was prepared for this. It felt so much like another good-bye, filled with good lucks and hope that they'd all be fine.

June hugged Clarke tightly before she released her so she could move on to Raven and Jasper while she went on to Bellamy. He's much taller than herself, so she has to push herself on her toes to weave her arms over his broad shoulders. "Good luck," June whispered thickly, full of distress. She took a deep breath to hold herself together. "May we meet again."

"May we meet again," Bellamy echoed, giving June one last soft squeeze. He let her go after an extra second to hug Raven, who was beside her and waiting. "You got this," he informed her warmly. Raven smiled gratefully at the encouragement and patted his back, stepping away so he could deliver the last embrace to share between them all to Jasper.

As the rover filled once again with her friends, June stood in place, watching as they drove off. Hope blossomed - the wishful thinking that they may meet again, and that this wasn't the last time she'd ever see them again.

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June sighed as she dully flicked a bolt into a bucket. Raven watched, a thin smile, amused. She knew that June wasn't a mechanic or engineer like herself or Monty and had let her sort the scrap metal while she went to work on fixing the wiring. "Don't get lost on me now," Raven joked. "I'll need your help when we hop back to ALIE's system."

Just like that, June's mood switched. Her fingers, which have been toying with a random piece of metal, had become frozen in their place. She replayed Monty's outlash in her mind, where he shouted out her with tears in his eyes until his voice broke, shoving one of ALIE's chips in her face and demanding she take it if she wants that guilt taken away so badly. If June hadn't been so careless in the first place, had stopped trying to play the hero, she would have been fine. They would all be. She wouldn't be frightened to even let the tip of her fingers graze a keyboard.

Raven frowned at the reaction, having not expected it. She knew June would have jumped in at the first chance she had to do what she loved. Something was holding her back. Regret, most likely. "Hey," she said gently. "Is this about what happened with Monty earlier?"

"No," June partially lied. She tossed the metal she had been toying with anxiously. "I just... I don't want to hurt anyone else," she admitted, voice dropping considerably quieter after the confession. She can't count how many lives she's taken, how many more she has already or may have ruined. There's no telling how much more will be in the future.

There's a slight bang as Raven brought her hands down on the table's steel top. "June Avery Thompson," she went all in, full naming her. "You've saved people. You've saved me. You have sacrificed yourself, again and again, let yourself suffer so we don't have to feel your pain. You've given so much, more than you should. You just wanted to stop ALIE, you didn't mean for that. Take a damn break and take care of yourself for once," she demanded before she finished.

"You've earned your redemption."

It felt as if it was exactly what June needed to hear now. She was slightly stunned by Raven's inspiring speech. She hasn't been told yet that she needs to take care of herself. Her instinct had been to worry about the others first as if it was a syndrome, to save them no matter the costs, whether it'd be her life or sanity. June can't remember the last time she put herself first. She was always so, so tired, the Earth constantly draining her of every fight she had. She wanted forgiveness for everything wrong that she's done, without realizing she deserved it and more.

Before June can respond, her lips parting to do so - either insist this was what she deserved or go and take a nap - footsteps thunder down the hall leading to the control room door. "Raven! June! Open the door!" It's Monty, shouting in a panic, banging his fist on the glass.

June shot up, being much quicker than Raven and quickly tapped the code on the pad. The door slid open and Monty burst in, one hand pressed to his chest and the other quickly shutting it once more, making sure it was locked. "What's wrong?" Raven questioned anxiously. "Monty, what is it?"

"Jasper's been chipped."

The reply made June's heart sink deep in her chest. How could we have been so careless? She thinks, slapping the palm of her hand over her forehead. They should have covered every base, now they're truly trapped.

"What?" Raven asked, astonished. "Are you sure?"

"He stabbed me!" Monty exclaimed. June's eyes widen when he pulled back his jacket, revealing a spot on his shirt with blood seeping through it.

"Let me see it," June instructed. She guided Monty over to the table, lowering him on the chair and lifted the hem of his shirt to inspect the injury.

Fortunately, from what June could see, it wasn't deep. It wasn't even bleeding much. It would just hurt like a bitch. She's about to inform Monty that when Raven speaks up, her tone grave. "Oh my God," she breathed out. "If Jasper's been chipped, then ALIE knows everything." June's hand that pressed against Monty's wound, being stained with his blood, suddenly felt cold. Raven's right. ALIE knows they're entire plan, and that means that their friends...

"Radio," Monty declared. June went back to shaky work on his wound, gathering bandages from the minor kit on her belt as Raven went to the large radio.

"Rover One, come in," Raven ordered through the walkie talkie. She frowned in frustration when there's only a hum through the speaker. "Damn it, Bellamy, pick up!"

Once June has taped the bandage cleanly over the bloody hole on Monty's torso, he stood on unstable legs and went to help Raven. He crouched with a wince, messing with a few knobs to search through other stations. "It's not transmitting," he noted, lost. "It's not working."

"Why not? It was fine before..." June trailed off, blinking a few times, processing her own words. The three share a knowing look of understanding before they work together to tug the radio, wheeling it forward. June feels a wave of dizziness when she sees the problem.

The cords connecting to the box have been sliced, perfectly. They're beyond repair. They wouldn't have the time anyway and by the time they got their hands on another radio that connected to the rover, their friends will have already arrived. June cursed sharply under her breath. She nearly jumped out of her skin in terror when the shadow of a fist slowly pounded on the door.

Jasper's voice taunted them. He sounds so cold and emotionless that June is truly afraid of him. "Let me in, Monty."

Monty shuts his eyes like he doesn't want to believe his next words. "They're walking into a trap."

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There were so many risks, so many different bad ways this could all end, and all they could do was sit with their hands tied and wait. Raven is insistent on them not opening that door. June can practically feel Jasper out there, in some mocking way. But that's what ALIE wants. It wants them scared enough to surrender and take the chip, to be just another robot without any pain or feelings. The worst part was, it was working. June was scared, not just for them, but for everyone who had left. They were storming into a battlefield towards an enemy that knows their every move. She wanted to believe they could handle it, after all, what haven't they survived? But a small part of her is afraid they can't.

Monty inhaled sharply when he leaned over the desk to watch over Raven's shoulder. "You doing okay?" She asked him, concerned.

"I think so," Monty said. "June fixed me up pretty well. And if it hit anything important, I wouldn't be, right?"

"Right," Raven agreed. "You got lucky." She paused and sighed. "We could use some more of that."

Despair radiated off of Monty as he turned away. June's eyes followed him, watching as he picked up a pistol and his gaze locked on the door. "Harper's out there," he mumbled. "... Alone."

"Harper's a guard and a better shot than you," Raven reminded him.

"She doesn't know Jasper's chipped," Monty argued.

Raven slammed the book she was reading shut. "I know that, Monty."

"Hey," June interrupted them, keeping her tone cool and calm as to not let them know she was as afraid as they were. "Harper's also a fighter. If Jasper comes at her, she'll know what to do."

Nodding in agreement with June, Raven added on. "We can't risk Jasper getting in here, not when ALIE knows what I'm building."

"Raven, the plan failed," Monty stated, exasperated. "Clarke won't be radioing with the kill code."

"I can find it. If I can get this to work, I can kill ALIE," Raven said stubbornly.

"June tried this before, it didn't work," Monty protested again. June wants to argue that maybe it was because it was her doing so that it got screwed up but she doesn't want to step in the middle of them going back and forth.

"I can do it," Raven insisted. "I have to." Maybe it was to prove something. June knew how Raven felt. She wanted nothing more than to wrong her mistake but her own fear of making it worse held her back from doing so.

Another taunting comment from Jasper stopped all of them. "Come on, guys," he urged. "Let me in. I just want to talk."

Raven lightly touched the sleeve of Monty's jacket. "As long as he's right here, he's not looking for Harper," she whispered so Jasper couldn't hear.

Coming to the realization that Raven is indeed right, Monty put the gun in his holster and walked to the pad's intercom, pressing the button. "So talk," he offered.

There's a hint of a smile that they can all hear when Jasper responded, much to June's relief. "You sound good," he noted. "I'm glad. I never wanted to hurt you, Monty." He sounded much more genuine than before.

"I don't blame you. You were tortured," Monty replied. June can see his stiff muscles relaxed, though, he still sounds pained speaking to his chipped best friend.

"You got it wrong," Jasper dismissed. "I wasn't tortured. I mean, yeah, I was punched a couple of times, but that's not why I took the key." His story telling made June's brows furrow, listening intensely, bewildered at the longing laced in Jasper's tone. "You should've seen Luna's rig, Monty. It was peaceful. Safe. The people were happy. There was this girl there, Shay. When I was talking to her, I realized for the first time since Mount Weather, I wasn't thinking about Maya. It was beautiful there, and we destroyed it."

Although none of them had gotten to see what Jasper was describing, June knew they all believed it. Luna's rig must have been beautiful before the stain that was Skaikru got there. "That wasn't us," Monty weakly retorted. "It was ALIE."

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that ALIE can take away all that pain," Jasper tells them. "She can do the same for you... Please open the door," he pleaded, this time making himself sound desperate. "Don't let Raven and June ruin this for all of us. What hasn't she taken from us already?"

June swallowed thickly. She didn't bother attempting to convince herself that this wasn't Jasper talking, that ALIE had taken over his mind. He's said much crueler words before, drunk and sober. "How could you do that to us?" Monty questioned him quietly.

"I realized the truth," Jasper drawled out. June turned her head away and shut her eyes at the words that follow.

"They sent us all down here to see if the ground was survivable. From what I've seen, it's not."