~ Now ~

"F-Frank??" Gerard babbled, still utterly confused.

Frank reluctantly got off Gerard and faced Anthony with his fists balled. Gerard hastily sat up and looked up at Anthony, who had put his shirt back and seemed everything but pleased by what he was seeing.

Everything went fast in Gerard's mind and he soon understood his huge mistake. He began breathing heavily and panicking.

No, it's not possible, things were not supposed to turn out this way...

When Anthony had entered the room to see Frank on top of Gerard, his first emotion was confusion, that quickly turned into anger towards Frank. How dared Frank touch his Gerard?! Anthony quickly assumed that Gerard wasn't fully consenting.

"Anthony, you son of a bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Frank said, not even bothering to whisper.

Anthony turned red. "No. What the fuck is wrong with YOU?! Get the fuck off Gerard, don't you dare touch him you fucking rapist !"

"What?! Hey, Gerard came to me, okay? I wasn't forcing anything."

"What the fuck are you saying..." Anthony mumbled.

"He came to me with a condom and he went full on making out pretty damn quick. He fucking wants me, get that inside your retarded mind !" Frank raised his voice, talking as Gerard wasn't in the room. He was getting annoyed by his brother and eager to kick him out and finish what he and Gerard had started.

Gerard stood up and meekly recoiled, hyperventilating. He was screwed. He was completely screwed. He had fucked up his relationship both with Frank and Anthony for good.

No no no no... It's a nightmare, it's gotta be a nightmare. Please tell me it's a nightmare...

No way he could go back in time, but God knows he wanted to erase this past hour. There was no turning back now.

At Frank's statement, Anthony's cogs began to work and he retraced what had happened. He scoffed at Frank.

"You're so naive, Frank. He came to me an hour ago to ask me to make love. He left to grab a condom in his bedroom. It was meant for my cock, not yours !" Anthony shoved Frank's chest.

Gerard knew things were to escalate.

"Please... Please stop..." Gerard whimpered but his voice was just so weak compared to the twins'. Gerard rested his back on the wall to stay up. He felt tears roll down his cheeks and his head hurt.

Why can't you check who you're being fucked by, you retarded slut?! , a little voice was yelling inside his head.

"You're making that up. You're just jealous he doesn't love you and that he prefers me !" Frank spat.

"P... P-please..."

Gerard had more and more trouble breathing, he felt like he was choking on his own sobs. Things were spinning around him. He was having a serious panic attack and Frank and Anthony didn't even notice, too busy yelling at each other. There was a pounding in Gerard's head that threatened to make him pass out.

"I- I c-can't breathe..." Gerard choked out, but no one heard him.

"Wake up my poor dude ! He got the wrong room, it was a mistake. You are a fucking mistake Frank !" Anthony kept snarling at his twin.

"What the fuck did you just say?!" Frank grasped his brother's shirt.

"You heard me perfectly." Anthony's eyes were filled with nothing but animosity.

"I'm gonna fucking MURDER YOU !"

Frank raised his fist and both brothers were about to beat each other up when a loud thud echoed behind them. The twins turned around to see Gerard unconscious on the floor.

"Holy shit- Gerard!"

Both of them immediatly knelt next to him. Gerard's face was red from the tears and the lack of oxygen, though he was now breathing normally. Anthony bent down to check how he was and take his pulse, since Frank had no clue of how to do that.

"Is he breathing? Is his heart beating? Anthony, is Gerard's heart beating?!" Frank bit his nails and patted Anthony's shoulder.

"I could tell you that if you stopped fucking yelling in my ears !" Anthony snapped. Frank took a deep breath.

"...So? How is he?"

"He seems fine to me. I'd say he had a bad panic attack... He needs calm and a good night of sleep, but I think he'll be okay tomorrow."

"Fuck... We have to get him back to his room and get him on his bed..." Frank scooped Gerard in his arms. Anthony would normally have argued, but he understood that now wasn't the time to be childish, Gerard's mental condition seemed pretty serious to pass out like this.

Anthony grabbed his phone and lit it so Frank could see where he was going. Luckily, they didn't come across any teachers it would have been very awkward to explain why Gerard was passed out in Frank's arms in the middle of the night.

The two of them reached Gerard's bedroom and went in. Anthony turned on the lights as Frank delicately laid Gerard on his bed under his bedsheets and made sure he was comfortable.

"Jesus Frank, are you still hard?" Anthony made a face, both disgusted and contemptful as he noticed his brother's obvious bulge in his pants that was beginning to pop off.

"Dude, two more minutes and we were fucking, so give me a damn break." Frank spat. "You can't imagine what it feels like."

"Actually, I can... It's the second time he leaves me with a hard-on..." Anthony mumbled to himself.

Something in Gerard's backpack caught Frank's eye while Anthony was expressing his frustration. Frank picked it up.

It was a crimson book with 'My Diary' written in black calligraphed letters.

A diary? Really, Gerard?

It was quite thick and probably old, judging by how filled it already was. Frank didn't waste time to open it, he absolutely wanted - no, he needed - to know what Gerard thought of him.

He looked for the precise date he and Gerard had kissed on the hill, there would surely be stuff on him there. Yes, Frank remembered the exact date.

Frank found the paragraph he was looking for.

Dear diary,

I'm about to tell you a secret. Nothing unusual, but this is a big one. Today, Frank and I kissed. That may surprise you, so maybe you need all the context that goes with it.

I accepted to skip class with Frank. I'm sorry, dear diary, I know it's bad and Mom was very disappointed. Truth be told, I'm disappointed in myself too.

Anyway, Frank and I have spent most of the day together, it was awesome ! Frank is much more caring than I thought. He took me to the most beautiful spot I've ever seen. It's a hill with a huge oak from where we could see the sunset. The view left me speechless.

I can't explain what happened back there... I felt fireworks with Frank. Everything was so beautiful - and Frank himself is, I have to say, gorgeous. Don't tell anyone ! He and I kissed, and when I say 'kissed', I mean we made out. I was enthralled by Frank, by everything. I loved it.

Frank felt his heart bounce with joy.

"He thinks I'm gorgeous." Frank stated with absolute pride, and a hint of arrogance in his voice.

Anthony, who had sat on the edge of Frank's bed to watch over Gerard, turned to Frank.

"Frank, what are you- Don't read people's journals, for God's sake !" Anthony stood up and snatched the diary out of Frank's hands.

"Don't be jealous, I've always been the handsome one..." Frank shrugged, running a hand through black strands of hair as undisciplined as their owner, which were once again falling on his face.

Anthony looked down at the diary. Everything that Gerard had ever thought or felt was there. The diary Anthony was holding was the key to the redhead's heart. Anthony's curiosity got the best of him and he began skimming through the book.

"...I mean, you can't deny my charisma." Frank paced around the room, overwhelmed by the fact that Gerard thought of him as gorgeous.

Anthony found an interesting page and read it. And really, he wasn't ready for that.

"Frank..."

"Don't be salty, Anthy, you know it's the truth. I'm stunning. Why would Gerard lie about it?" Frank kept rambling, not paying attention to his brother.

"Frank!"

"It's okay to be the ugly one, really. I'll try not to overshadow you."

"FRANK !" Anthony yelled and smacked his brother's head with the diary.

"What?!" Frank yelled back, outraged for having been interrupted.

"You gotta see this." Anthony invited him to read next to him.

Frank grabbed one side of the book while Anthony still had a grip on the other.

"That was Valentine's day..."

Frank began reading the page.

Dear Diary,

Today, I kissed Anthony. I swear I did. It was magic ! Anthony is the sweetest and the purest person alive. It's like he had come out of a fairytale.

"Oh, come on man ! He kissed you, so what? I don't wanna read about it, who reads stuff about people making out, eww?! Besides, it doesn't change the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous." Frank frowned.

Anthony rolled his eyes. "Keep reading, dumbass."

But, dear diary, I can't help but feel bad for Frank. It's hard to admit but think I might be in love with both of them, they are so special in different ways ! I'm sure that if they stopped being jealous of each other for a second, they could rule the world. It's too bad they don't see that like I do.

I can't choose between them. I know how painful a broken heart is and I couldn't live knowing that I inflicted that on one of them. Neither Frank nor Anthony deserve that, nobody does. I don't want to disappoint them, or anyone. I don't even know what I want !

I need help, dear diary, I'm completely lost. What should I do??

Goodnight, dear diary.

"Oh..." was all Frank said.

"Yeah."

"I had no idea we were doing that to him..." Frank whispered out.

"Me neither... Let's... Let's keep reading."

Frank nodded and Anthony turned a few pages foreward.

"Hey look, it was the day we found out about Bert's video..."

The twins have always been here for me, and I betrayed them. They've never given up on me, ever, and here I am, playing with their feelings like the slut I am. I don't deserve their affection, I don't deserve them. I'm worthless. I completely screwed up the relationship I had with them and I just lost my two most precious friends. It's too late now.

"Gee, no, don't..." Anthony breathed out, obviously upset by what he was reading.

Frank thought about the cut on Gerard's foreharm that Gerard had inflicted himself, and wondered what would have happened - what would have Gerard done - if he and Anthony hadn't arrived at Gerard's house on time back then. Nothing good, for sure.

Anthony grabbed the book and turned the pages to go back in time. The old pages were frayed. He found something he never thought he would see. The date was March 22, but not of this year. It was the previous one.

It had a sentence written in thick capital letter all across the page, which was a bit torn. One sentence and nothing more than :

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS,
I WANT TO DIE.

"What the fuck is that?" said Frank.

Frank and Anthony jumped as they heard a noise behind them coming from behind them, terrified that Gerard might have woken up and caught them doing something they really shouldn't.

They turned around and sighed in relief. Gerard was just stirring in his sleep.

The page following March 22 was the day of back-to-school, there was nothing between them. There was a 5-month gap.

Frank hastily turned the pages back in time to see how Gerard could have written such a deathwish in his diary.

This page was written two years ago, one year before the 'I want to die'.

Dear Diary,

Today, she looked at me ! I was in the cafeteria, I looked at her, and she was looking at me ! I can't believe it ! She is so beautiful... I want to talk to her so bad, but I can't. Girls like her don't hang out with guys like me. They just don't.

"Wow, Gee really was head over heels for that girl..." Frank remarked.

"Yeah, and he thinks she's 'beautiful'..." Anthony teased, making Frank roll his eyes. "Here, it looks interesting."

Dear diary,

Today, Alex and Dan and John went to see me. Alex is the captain of the football team, he looks like a cherub with his blond curls and his blue eyes. He's cute, I have to say. Dan is an artist, like me. But unlike me, he's very fun and popular. John is a quarterback, he's like 7 feet tall ! But he's all muscle no brain, if you ask me.

They made me an offer... I can't tell you what it is, dear diary, I can't write such a thing. I think I'm going to accept it, but I'm confused. It scares me - no, it terrifies me. Give me strength.

Goodnight, dear diary.

What could possibly Gerard be talking about? The twins turned a few pages.

Dear Diary,

It worked ! She accepted to go out with me !! I can't convey with simple words how happy I am.

The twins skipped the part where Gerard spreads out his heart about how glad he was, how everything was perfect.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling down. Things were not as idyllic as I imagined them. It's like she wants to keep us a secret, like she was ashamed of me. Maybe I'm the problem...?

Mikey still doesn't talk to me. What is wrong with me? I miss him, we never do anything together. We never really have in fact, and that's one of my biggest regrets. Why can't I be a good brother?

That was odd to Frank and Anthony. They knew Mikey and it had appeared that he and Gerard got along pretty well and that there was complicity between them. Frank vaguely remembered Gerard telling him that he and Mikey hadn't always been that close, but that's it.

Next page.

Dear Diary,

I can't carry on this way. I love her but I feel like it's not reciprocal. Well, she loves me... In a way. But she doesn't love me like I hoped she would. It really hurts. I'm not sure I still want this.

Then, Gerard had started to write less and less. The paragraphs were shorter and Gerard generally expressed his growing doubts and confusion, until the two last pages.

Dear Diary,

She doesn't love me. She never did. I feel like the world is biggest fucking idiot. I sacrified EVERYTHING and I did all of it FOR HER. But she never loved me. I'm the laughing stock here.

I feel so used, so unclean. Everything hurts so bad... I want to stop hurting...

There were little stains on the pages as Gerard had cried on them.

Last page.

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS,
I WANT TO DIE.

Anthony absent-mindedly put the diary down on Gerard's nightstand. A long silence settled, none of the twins knew what to say or thing about this. Concern? Sorrow, maybe?

"... I think Gerard and we need to have a talk." Anthony spoke ank Frank nodded. He couldn't agree more.

______