𝟢𝟤𝟩,𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥

All these years of suffering only to realize that I might not like Newt as much as I think I do.

I mean, he has changed, and I am glad he has, and I never want him to go back to the old him, yet my interest has changed, too.

I yearn for him but not in the ways I should. I don't yearn for him, but just... for him. I yearn for the outsides, not the insides. And I don't know why that is.

Everything just feels wrong. Neither of us can explain it—so as we promised, we took our time.

We're halfway through December by now. I spent my months working on assignments, studying, visiting my siblings, hanging out with Sonya, and trying to act as normal as possible towards Newt.

Today, the fifteenth of December, is just the same as it is every year. Slight detail is the fact that it's my birthday, but no one ever paid attention to that so won't bother trying to change that now. I'm used to it, and being in the spotlight isn't even that nice.

Soy Sauce

RAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANDER
YOU BETTER COME OVER I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU
AAA MWAH ILYSM
YOU'RE FINALLY EIGHTEEN WE SHOULD GO TO EUROPE BC WE'RE ALLOWED TO DRINK THERE FROM NOW ON
WELL, YOU ARE.

I blink at all the messages, rereading them a few times. When I said no one pays attention to my birthday, I didn't mean Sonya. She never forgets and she's almost more excited for my birthday than for her own.

By the time I make it to Elmsville, twilight has already fallen. Snow covers the ground like a white blanket, the corners of window slightly frosted. I tuck my hands in my pockets, even though I'm wearing gloves.

"Sit," Sonya orders the second I step inside the warm house. A red scarf is wrapped loosely around her neck, swaying after her as she grabs something from the kitchen.

A whole ass pie. With many candles—I guess there's eighteen of them. "Okay, so this is for you and I actually won't allow you to leave until we've eaten all of it," she says. "Happy birthday!"

I stare at the apple pie, dazzled. "You didn't have to—"

"Oh, shut up. And don't say that just yet. I have more." She takes something from the kitchen counter and puts it down in front of me: a steaming hot mug full with chocolate milk, topped with tiny marshmallows, and a wrapped present.

"Open it!"

I peel the paper carefully, revealing a journal with a leather cover. It's simple, but exactly the kind of thing I'd want.

She nudges me in the side. "For all your complicated thoughts."

"Thank you." I stand up to hug her. "Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it. I also ordered another box to collect your stamps in, but it hasn't even delivered yet. And your siblings visited your mom yesterday. They brought a whole lot of things for you. Gave it to me since we live so close together. Less postal costs, even though you have all the stamps."

My smile becomes unbelievably bright when she reveals a whole pile of cards. "They really made all of these?"

"Most of them are kind of obsessed with you, so yes. Go read."

She pushes the first card in my hands. It's a bright pink one, adorned with princess stickers and flowers.

HAPY BIRTDAY SANDR
LUV YU MOR THEN KOOKIES
LUV CLAIRE

I chuckle lightly at the spelling mistakes, inspect the card for a few more seconds, then take the next one.

Happy Birthday, Sander. I Hope You Don't Mind The Way I Write Every Word With A Capital. Others Say It's Weird But I Like It. Here Is A Link To My Document About The Loch Ness Monster And There Are A Few Of My Favorite Buttons In The Envelope. I Hope You Cherish Them As Much As I Do. Have A Nice Day.
Lots Of Love, KRISTA

I love it. Hurriedly, I move on to the next one. It's a messy drawing of... chocolate pudding (?) and a boy that must represent me. There's a big heart in the middle and Ledger's name is in the corner. I guess he loves me as much as chocolate pudding.

happy birthday I hope those yellow haired friends of yours treat you well
- Melvin

Snorting, I show it to Sonya. She rolls her eyes and hands me another card.

Hey Sander,
Happy birthday!! I know it's been a long time since we talked, so I took this as an opportunity. I love studying here and I hope you enjoy your college as well. We should call soon. I wish you an awesome day, and feel free to remove the stamp from the envelope.
x Helen

I smile a bit. Helen and I indeed don't talk a lot, but we have an understanding bond, as the oldest siblings. Maybe that's why we don't talk at all. We're both subconsciously trying to escape the past and household, wanting nothing to remind us of it.

Lastly, I receive a card from Bard that is clearly made by Claire, but it's still sweet. My ears nearly begin watering.

"Did Newt wish you a happy birthday?" Sonya wonders, already judging.

"No, but I don't blame him. He doesn't know that it's my birthday. I never told him."

"I did," she responds fiercely. "He better do something when you get home."

He does.

The second I open the door, a whole wave of screams erupt from our dorm. Thomas jumps around and Minho somewhat kisses me on the lips as he wishes me a happy birthday while Newt seems to be going through multiple stages of grief before he also greets me.

They even hung up blue balloons, the numbers forming '18'.

A few minutes later, Minho has grabbed all of us a beer and we're sitting on the couch. Thomas joins his game of Mario Kart on their tiny game device. Newt plops down next to me.

"I have to be honest: I thought you were turning nineteen," he admits. "Am I a pedo now?"

I scoff. "No. We're just two years apart."

His birthday is in March. He'll turn twenty by that time.

"That's still quite a lot, don't you think? I'm regretting things now. Did I ruin your innocent child mind?"

I make a face. "Eh, I'm not seven. I had plenty of experience at the start of the school year already."

"Experience with what?"

"Everything."

"Liar."

"Shut up."

"Wait a minute." His face falls. "Was I your first time? You know, that one night—"

"No," I deny fast. Maybe too fast. "I mean, maybe—no, well, yes. Yes. You were. But that's fine. It's not like I remember it very well."

"Oh, that's awful." He groans, burying his head in his hands. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's fine," I repeat. "Thought I was going to die as a virgin."

Minho looks up, bothered. "We can hear you, sadly. You're distracting me from winning. Shut up, please."

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