𝟎𝟏𝟑.                                   𝐧𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭

good luck, babe!      ──── chappell roan

( i adore this chapter with all my heart )
warning: light mature content

☀︎ 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐥𝐲𝐧'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

𝖨'𝖬 𝖫𝖠𝖸𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖮𝖭 𝖪𝖨𝖠𝖱𝖠'𝖲 𝖡𝖤𝖣，𝖲𝖳𝖠𝖱𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖴𝖯 𝖠𝖳 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖢𝖤𝖨𝖫𝖨𝖭𝖦．Did I nearly kiss JJ? Did he nearly kiss me? Did we nearly kiss each other? I'm replaying the scene in my head, watching as we stare at each other, faces close. My hand in his hair, his fingers touching my legs. It's all too fuzzy, and I can't quite figure out what happened, or why something was close to happening.

All I know is that Pope is our blocker.

He must see these occurrences happen from a mile away as he always appears right when we're just about to cross that dangerous line. Perhaps it's a good thing that he always interrupts because, let's be honest, it would not be a good idea to kiss my best friend.

Although, it would be very, very nice to──

"What's up with you?" I snap my head to the girl who is now sliding into the bed next to me.

I'm sleeping over at Kiara's, and while that's happened several times in the past, tonight feels foreign to me, I don't know why. I sit up, pressing my back against the headboard. "Nothing."

"What happened in that bathroom?"

"What?" I scoff, finding it a little strange that she thinks something happened in that bathroom.

"You and JJ came out of there looking like you'd done something stupid like──" Kiara pauses, jaw dropping. "Oh, my God. You didn't have sex..." She whispers it like it's a bad word, and my eyes widen. "...in my bathroom, did you?"

"No!"

"That was a guilty no," she argues, and if I could, I'd turn myself into dust to get away from this conversation.

"We didn't have sex, Kiara." For one, I'd never have sex in somebody else's bathroom, and for two── do people say "for two"?── I've never had sex so my first time absolutely will not be in a bathroom regardless of how nice that bathroom is. "Nothing happened, I swear."

I trust Kiara, I do, but I'm not going to tell her about something that did or did not happen between JJ and I because, well, it's irrelevant. Nothing happened, and if something did happen, I don't think I'd be physically capable of actually talking about it.

Nothing can happen, I need to stop thinking it can. We're friends, that's all we can ever be── that's all we're good at being. While I know we can't be anything, that doesn't stop my mind from concocting the wildest fantasies about him and I. Him holding me, him kissing me, him laying over me, staring down at me as he──

"Where'd you just go?" Kiara.

I'm being a real friend right now── fantasising about our friend while laying in her bed. I shake my head, and I glance at her with an innocent smile. "I'm here."

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" Kiara, after years of friendship, has a way of reading my mind.

"No." I sound guilty.

I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about him. For eight years, no matter what I'm doing, he has always remained in the back of my mind. If I could remove that part of me that longs for him day in, day out, I would, but I can't remove it so simply. He will forever hold a part of me that I can't get rid of no matter how I hard I try.

If I'm being honest, I'm not trying hard enough, I know that much.

"No bullshit?" I scoff, hating that she's said that. No bullshit── very similar to Truths── is where I tell Kiara how it is without bullshitting.

"Kie──"

"No bullshit," she interrupts. "Do you like JJ, and I mean, do you really like him?"

"As opposed to not really liking him?"

She nods firmly. "Do you want to be with him, or are you just hoping to hookup?" She's blunt, I'll give her that, but she does propose a good question── one that I really don't know the answer to.

I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship, especially given that I like the idea of us being a couple. I can picture us holding hands. I can picture us making silly jokes that nobody else understands. I can picture us calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". I can picture us doing all kinds of sweet, romantic things.

I can see us being a couple.

I like that dream of us, but I'm not sure it's smart. Perhaps, what I really need is a hookup either with him or just... anyone, I don't know.

I've never done that though. I've never had a relationship, not of any kind. I had my first kiss at thirteen with── no surprises── JJ. I haven't kissed anyone since then never mind actually be with anyone romantically. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about kissing people at parties or, hell, hooking up with people at parties, but then I scratch the idea because JJ lurks in the back of my mind.

However, I know I do not lurk in the back of his mind whenever he's shoving his tongue down some blonde's throat right in front of me. At a Pogue party last year, I was talking to this really nice guy, but the second I caught a glimpse of JJ with another girl, I gave up on that boy and decided to sulk for the entire party.

I don't want to just hook up with a nobody, that's the problem.

I want that blind, captivating love that swallows you whole but keeps you afloat. I want that love that comes in small packages, wrapped between the sheets with affirmations in the form of hugs and kisses. I want that love that helps you sleep at night and keeps you on your toes when you're awake. I want that love that makes it so you aren't alone when you're at your lowest. I want that love that exhausts you in the best possible way but also excites you at every corner of the day. I want that love that everybody should have, no matter who you are. I want love.

I don't just want a careless hookup with a nobody. I don't even just want one night with him. No, I want the love, and everything that comes with that, no matter how depressing or hard it is.

So I guess I know the answer.

"I don't just want a hookup," I answer, my voice quiet, but it carries enough volume for Kiara to understand. "I want the love, Kiara. I want to have something real── I don't care how young I am, or that teenage love doesn't necessarily last forever, I just want something real and meaningful and right."

My head rests on the pillow, and I turn to face Kiara who is already staring right back at me, laying beside me.

I love Kiara's bedroom. Her bed is softer than mine has ever been, and if I could get lost anywhere, I'd pick this bed. Her room is decorated with everything that represents her. Band posters on the wall, fairy lights hanging from the ceiling, pictures stuck to the vanity. Art that I've drawn for Kiara over the years are blu-tacked to the mirror. Her guitar, her ukulele, and her bongo drums are beside her dresser, and they remind me that, just like my love for art, Kiara has her own form of expressing herself, and that's through music.

It's dark outside, and she's closed her curtains so we're sitting in the dark, but I can make out the delicate features of her face. Her hair is swept back with tiny braids shaping her face. She's wiped the makeup from her face, but I've always told her that she doesn't need it. Kiara is naturally beautiful, I've always thought that, and sometimes I don't think she appreciates herself.

"No bullshit," I breathe out, finding myself to be more breathless than I thought.

Her eyes blink, eyes catching onto mine in the dark. "What?"

"No bullshit, what do you want, Kie?"

She stares at me for a long moment, and I stare right back, refusing to take my eyes off her. It's like she's holding me captive, even in the dark, and I'm enticed. I want to know what she wants. Does she want the love, or does she want the simple, meaningless hookup? We're friends, yes, but we've never discussed this before── I don't know why. Perhaps I won't like the answer, or perhaps she doesn't want me to know the answer.

She swallows, and I swear I catch her eyes shift down, but it's dark, and I might be mistaken so I ignore it, and my eyes continue to stare right into hers. We have similar eye colours, I've always noticed that, but while mine are more of a hazel, caramel colour, Kiara's are like the colour of dark coffee. Her eyes are like that first sip of coffee── warm and welcoming. They're the kind of eyes that would keep you awake, much like coffee does. These eyes would absolutely win in a staring match. They're the kind of eyes that would make a person fall in love almost immediately.

"What do I want?" she repeats, her voice just as quiet as mine was. I don't know why we're talking quietly── I guess because the room is dark and we're alone, but it's not like we can't be loud. Kiara's parents aren't home, not yet, so it really is just us. The boys aren't here.

We're turned on our sides now, facing one another. We both lay with one hand against our cheek and one of our legs under the covers. I think our knees are touching, and I know they weren't before. We've since shifted, and I'm not upset about that fact. In fact, I wonder if I could shift closer── Would she notice?

"Do you want the real, mind-blowing love, or do you want the silly, careless hookup?"

Her shoulder lifts in a shrug. "The hookup thing can't be so bad," she says, and I quirk a brow, wondering if that truly is how she wants to answer the question. "Have you ever tried that?"

"Have you?" I challenge, and something of a laugh huffs out of her, surprised by my quick response.

"No," she breathes out. "No bullshit, have you?"

I shake my head slowly, eyes still on hers. "No. No, I haven't done the hookup thing── I don't think I could do it."

"Why?" Her voice croaks, and I feel my stomach tighten in a similar way to that of earlier tonight. Except, that feeling low in my stomach earlier was not because of her, but because of him. It feels strange, but I don't feel like pushing it away. I want that feeling low in my stomach, and I question why that is.

"I'd get attached," I answer truthfully because the no bullshit rule is in place. "After one little thing, I think I'd get attached." Under the sheets, Kiara's bare leg presses against mine. She lent me a pair of her shorts, and while they're the comfiest things I've ever worn, they feel too suffocating and warm at this given moment.

"After one little thing?" There's an edge of demand in her tone, and I don't excuse the way that makes me feel.

"I think even just a kiss would get me attached," I explain, still being as truthful as possible because I can trust Kiara, I know I can. Kiara opens her mouth to reply but she closes it quickly, obviously forgetting what she was going to say. "You didn't answer my question," is what I choose to say instead, wanting to continue the conversation.

She gulps, brows furrowed, and I find this odd temptation to press my thumb against the skin between her eyebrows where it wrinkles slightly with every laugh and smile. "What?"

"Do you want the real, mind-blowing love, or do you want the silly, careless hookup?" I repeat, my body inching just a tiny bit closer, feeling this gravitational pull towards her right now.

"I wouldn't mind the real, mind-blowing love," she tells me, and I know that she's being truthful because I can see it, even in the dark. Her eyes hold mine, and they tell me that she does, in fact, want that love that I search for. She wants to be loved in the way that I do, and I know wholeheartedly that she deserves that, perhaps more than anyone I know.

I press my lips together, inhaling softly through my nose as another, daring question springs to mind. "Kiara."

"Yeah?" Her voice feels much louder to me now, but it's still that quiet, timid volume that it's been since we started this conversation. She feels closer to me, and I'm unsure who's moved closer, whether it was me or her, but I'm not pulling away. I don't want to pull away.

Why don't I want to pull away? Well, that is a very good question── one that I cannot answer, not when her leg is pressed against mine, and our eyes are locked together, daring the other to move. My mind feels woozy, like I'm drunk, and perhaps I am drunk on whatever Kiara is pressing into my skin because I do not feel like the same girl who left that bathroom after nearly kissing JJ earlier. No, I feel completely different, but not in a bad way.

No, not in a bad way whatsoever.

"No bullshit..." I utter, swallowing down the potential consequences that my question carries. "Why didn't you feel the same way for John B?"

It's a question that has plagued my mind since she simply answered the first time with, "He's not my type". I wanted to pry, but it felt wrong to when it really is none of my business, but now I feel like I can pry in the safety of her bedroom, away from everybody this time.

She doesn't seem taken aback by that question. It's almost like she expected it.

"Do you really not know?"

The question hangs heavy between us, and she looks at me like I should know the answer like it's that simple, and perhaps it is, and let's say I do know the answer── I still want to hear her say it.

Instead of elaborating, she shifts closer, and I find her in my bubble, but I welcome her in because I want her this close── I think, somewhere in my head, I always have wanted this. This is one of those things that has crossed my mind several times, but I've never once acted on it. I think I've always been too afraid.

We're closer, and even in the dark, I'm fully aware of the proximity. I don't need to see her, I can feel her everywhere. Arms, legs, stomachs, foreheads are pressed together, but one thing isn't, but somewhere deep within me wants that final barrier to be pushed together like waves pushing against the rocks── she's the waves, and I'm the rocks. She's pushing forward, testing the barrier, finding if it's safe, and I'm rigid but welcoming because I'm scared of her crushing me in one fell swoop, but I really want to find out if she really can knock me down. I think I might let her.

So I invite her in, allowing her to crash into my wall, pulling little parts of me into the water with her as her mouth finds mine in the dark.

It's a soft, simple press of her mouth against mine, but it's the sweetest thing I've ever felt in my life. We haven't moved from our places, our bodies still pressed together, but now that final barrier is pushed together, and it's the most soulful, beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Instead of pulling tiny parts of the wall I'm holding up, she's pulling all of me down into the water with her, and I'm content with letting her.

The wall is gone, and now I'm just floating in the waves with her, letting us be carried out to sea as her right hand raises and presses under my jaw, pulling me just that inch closer, her mouth still firmly pressed against mine.

My left hand clings onto her for dear life, reaching up to clasp her elbow. I find this to be something I've never experienced so that fear is there, swimming deep within my stomach, but I refuse to let go. I cling on like she's my safety net, but I decide to teeter on the edge of dangerous, letting myself take a little bit of the control.

My mouth moves against hers, testing if these waters really are safe to swim in, and with how Kiara hums softly, I decide this is okay. Her hand moves from my face, so I choose to raise mine and press it against her jaw. It fits perfectly, and upon realising that, the kiss takes a turn to that dangerous edge, toppling into a tsunami already.

Her hand slots against my hip, curling gently as she regains composure, stealing the little control I had by pressing her tongue against my bottom lip, silently asking if she can have access, and I don't even hesitate, I just open my mouth ever so slightly and allow her to bring me down.

We go crashing together, and we kiss like it's oxygen keeping us alive in these tricky waters. Her teeth graze my bottom lip, and I feel her hand move, slipping under the hem of my shirt and sliding against the bare skin of my hip. I jolt, my teeth catching her lip instead, and I feel her smile. God, that creates a whole different feeling in my already bubbling stomach.

With her hand against my bare skin, she slides it across my back, her fingers moving so gently that it almost hurts. She pulls me even closer which I did not think was possible, but I'm not complaining. Head fuzzy from the press of her hand against my back, I push my mouth against hers just a little harder, eliciting a small, subtle moan from her that I did not realise how badly I needed to hear.

I pull back, catching my breath for a quarter of a second before I push against her again, finding that she is helping me breathe with how she kisses furiously like she's wanted this forever. Perhaps she has wanted this for a long time, and I've just been too damn stupid to realise.

My hand pushes past her jaw, sliding into her hair as her hand angles down, pressing into my lower back, and I don't jolt this time. I welcome the touch of her hand, wishing I could feel it all the time. If I was strong enough, I think I'd let my hand roam too, but I decide to keep it tangled in her hair, needing to grip something as her fingers tickle across my back, this time sliding up.

She pushes against me, lips moving faster, opening my mouth wider to swipe her tongue along mine. I become entirely weak as I surrender myself to her, letting her leg wrap around mine as she pulls herself up, moving to lay over me.

This position allows us to practically mould into one. Her body is completely pressed to mine── legs, hips, chests, lips. She's holding herself up on her arms, her hands pressing into mine to pin them back against the pillow as she devours my mouth like she's starved. It's almost difficult to catch up with her, especially since I don't know much on how to kiss, but I don't think I'm doing too bad of a job based on the soft, quiet noises she hums into my mouth. 

I try to kiss back as feverishly as she is, but I fear I'll never match. Regardless, I glide my mouth across hers easily, pushing my hands against hers in an attempt to gain some sort of control, but she has all of it. At this moment in time, Kiara has my soul, body and mind, and I don't think I care.

Her hips move against mine, and the unexpected contact brings a surprisingly and loud moan out of me. I didn't even know I could do that, but based on the smile Kiara flashes me, she's going to try and bring more out of me── cracking me open entirely. I might just give myself over to her right now because, after this, I fear I cannot come back from how this really feels.

Kiara's hold on my hands loosens, so I take the chance to move my hands and slide them back into her hair, fingers sliding across her jaw. I feel her smile once again. I love that she's smiling, especially during this. I smile back, humming delightfully as her hands move down once again, sliding under my shirt again before moving up.

Her fingers move across the underwire of my bra, once again teetering us on that edge of dangerous, but I'm all for it, I find. I'm not reckless enough, and to be reckless is to do things like this, so while we both want that mind-blowing love, why do we actually need it right now.

Her mouth continues to move across mine like her hand isn't sliding up, moving past the wire to brush over the simple, white cup of my bra. When I feel the sharp press of her fingers paired with the press of her hips to mine, I moan louder than I did before because I truly have never felt that before.

I never thought I'd see this side of Kiara, but I can't say I'm disappointed by it. In fact, I wonder if I could see this side more often── would that be okay?

Her teeth catch onto my bottom lip, reeling me in and lifting my head from the water as she presses her entire being against me once again. We both sigh into each other, satisfied and content, and wishing we could do this forever and ever. Fingers push against the material of my bra, her hips swivel against mine, and I bite on her bottom lip, and squeeze my hands in my hair, desperately needing to cling on before I go plunging back into the water.

She keeps me afloat, I've realised, so I continue to hold on, wanting to stay above the water.

She brings her face back, our eyes clashing for a quick second before she moves her head down, pressing the softest kiss imaginable against the skin of my neck, her mouth pressing against the thundering of my pulse. My fingers press into the base of her skull, continuing to hold on as she guides me across these choppy waters, holding me close with her hands at my hips once again, pulling me impossibly closer.

I bite back another groan as she pushes her teeth against my collarbone, catching me entirely off guard, but the sting doesn't frighten me── no, it just makes me want more.

Her hands move, her mouth pushes and presses against my neck, and I feel her grip the hem of my shirt. She pulls back, eyes reading mine for silent confirmation. I stare at her in the dark, disheveled but beautiful nonetheless, and something of a smile touches my lips at the idea of this. How has this even happened?

I swallow all those fearful thoughts, wanting to ignore them as I nod my head, sure.

Kiara leans down, her hands push at my shirt, and just as her lips catch onto mine again, there's a knock at her bedroom door.

One second, we're all over each other, and the next, we're sitting up in her bed, flicking on the bedside lamp as the door is pushed open to reveal Anna and Mike Carrera. Oh, my God.

I hope we don't look like we were up to something suspicious because I think her parents like me, and I fear this would make them change their opinion very fast, not that I'm embarrassed by what just happened── I'm really not, I just don't want Kiara to get into shit with her parents.

We didn't even hear Mike and Anna come home. When the fuck had they come home?

"You girls okay?" Mike asks, peering around the corner with Anna behind him.

We both nod, clearing our throats and smiling innocently like we weren't just about ready to tear the other apart. "Yep," Kiara answers, nodding vigorously. "W-We were just about to go to sleep, so..."

Anna smiles softly, placing a hand on Mike's back. "Okay. We'll see you in the morning."

When they leave, we both fall back against the headboard, breathing laboured from the fear of being caught and the excitement of what just happened between us. What does this mean? I now have a thousand questions that I don't want the answers to because I just want to stay here, wrapped in whatever daydream I'm in.

It's safe to say that she answered my question.

I look over at her, she looks back at me, and we both smile── not a hint of embarrassment or awkwardness in our grins. Those grins quickly turn into full-blown smiles, and then we're laughing loudly in utter disbelief.

Kiara took me somewhere else, dragged me through the treacherous waves, and now we're back at shore, still keeping one another close as we laugh with one another without a care in the world.

To think that started with a simple no bullshit is beyond me.

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❀ soph speaks

in another life, i'd like to believe that kiara and brooke would be together . . . and hey, it's my story, so perhaps there will be more of them ;)

originally, they always kissed in this chapter so nothing has changed except well a lot hehe

i had to stop writing just to imagine them just so it makes sense when they kiss and shit like it's hard bro

this chapter was probably my favourite to rewrite bcos it shows that brooke has a lot of feelings to work through, not just for jj, but for kiara too

it's a complicated love story, let's say that