Dear Journal, it's been some time since I've written here and a lot's happened this past year.

I guess I'll explain the important points. One, Susannah passed away. I spent a lot of time with her, Conrad, and Jeremiah.

She became like a second mom to me in that time, and I can't imagine how Jeremiah and Conrad are feeling.

I know how it feels to lose someone, but siblings and parents, especially mothers, aren't comparable in the slightest.

Not to mention the disaster that was the actual funeral, which I'll save for later. I don't have a lot of time to write.

Lindsey's coming over and we're going to hangout. Now that summer's almost here, it's weird not having the Fisher's around.

Their presence is inherently absent, and with Susannah's passing, it's felt in everyone, everything, and everywhere.

Jeremiah and I haven't talked for a couple months, but it wasn't from a lack of trying. It's just that we're both busy.

Lindsey and I have applied for colleges, her prospects for Yale seem promising. Me? I don't know, I'm not really focused on the future.

It doesn't matter, college or not, I'll still have to be a contributing member of society. Right now though?

It's about to be summer, I need to be a little productive.

Matt saw a message pop up on his phone, from Lindsey stating she was there. He set his journal aside and went to meet her.

She smiled at him, "Hey bestie."

He greeted her back, "Hey bestie."

A lot has changed, Lindsey got her hair cut short recently, she looked good, "I still can't believe you got your hair cut short."

"I know, but I love it. I needed a change." She replied.

"It's a good change in my opinion. I probably need to get my hair cut soon." Matt said, messing with his curls, that were getting too long for his liking.

She cringed, "Good thing you brought that up. Cause..."

Matt rolled his eyes, "Wow Lindsey, just wow."

Lindsey patted his shoulder, "It's only the truth, and you love me for it."

Matt sighed, "Yeah, I guess I do."

"Anyway, let's grab Sam and take him to the beach." Which they did, Matt grabbed Sam and his leash then they were off to the beach.

They pulled into a parking spot and got out, walking along the shoreline, the salty air, flowing wind, crashing waves. It was calming, something Matt was eager for.

"Have you talked with Jeremiah lately?" Lindsey asked.

Matt shook his head, "Not for a couple of months. I've tried reaching out, but he hasn't answered much. I get it though I'm not mad about it."

"God, I can't imagine losing my mom like that. Didn't you say Jere was staying at the house and taking care of her?"

"Yeah, I was there frequently, and occasionally Conrad, or Belly and Steven and their mom would be there. But it was mostly Jeremiah." He explained.

Her expression was saddened, "Damn, that's awful." And Matt couldn't disagree.

"I wish there was more I could say or do." Matt stated solemnly.

Lindsey nodded her head understandably, that was exactly how she felt when Catherine died. She felt useless, wishing she could do more for Matt and his family.

"I know how you feel. That's how it was for me when Catherine died. I wanted to do more, but didn't know how." She said, brushing her bangs aside.

She placed her hand on his shoulder, "All you can do is let him know you're there. That you're only a phone call away."

After a beat of silence, "I might reach out tonight." Matt responded.

The trio kept walking, with Sam having no care in the world, blissfully unaware of his owner's problems. A dog's life seemed so simple.

"So you ready for summer?" Lindsey asked.

Matt shrugged his shoulders, "I guess. After that, I'm gonna have to start figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life."

She nudged him, "If you need help, all you have to do is ask."

He smiled softly, "I know Linds, but I've got time until then. For now, let's grab some pizza and head back to my place."

She agreed and they walked back to the car, loading up Sam and driving to their local shop and getting two large pies.

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Everything was so different compared to what Belly pictured it would be, she and Conrad were broken up, Susannah was gone, and Jeremiah wasn't talking to her.

She couldn't blame them, if she were them she would hate her too. Reminiscing was pointless, all of the bad outweighed the good.

But today wasn't about her, today was about Steven. She, their mom, and their dad watched him graduate high school.

The younger Conklin was proud of her older brother, as much as she teased him about being immature, she was proud.

Susannah would've been proud too, and god did she miss her, it was like a piece of her heart was missing and nothing could fill it.

She wished things could go back to normal, drive to the house, be greeted by Susannah's warm smile, and take her midnight swim in the pool.

Instead she's at Steven's graduation party, sort of hanging with Taylor and the volleyball team. She felt out of place, that was partly her fault.

She knew she had been isolating herself, finding herself constantly in the guidance counselor's office.

Thinking about her future, when it was crystal clear she had no idea what she wanted to do. Everyone around her kept telling her to focus.

But it was easier said than done, for now, she just wanted to enjoy the party and hang out with her friends.

Thankfully, her teammates welcomed her back with open arms, but that led to an awkward and embarrassing moment with a guy from her class.

It didn't pan out the way she thought it would, which made her want to crawl into a hole and die.

So she made a mental note to completely ignore him for the rest of her life. Not to mention how it all started with Steven trying to crowd surf, knocking her down.

As if that wouldn't lead to a massive headache later, and now he was drunk, she walked over to him to tell him it was time to go.

Steven being an idiot sprayed his can of beer all over her, the teen was over it. Belly, annoyed, proclaimed, "This party sucks."

Steven dismissed her, laughing, "Dude, it's beer, man. It'll dry. Chill."

Belly wiped at her arm, to get the drink off her, "I'm leaving, okay?"

Taylor sat up off of Milo, "Wait, wait, did something happen?" She asked.

Belly reassured her, "No, nothing happened. Whatever. Steven, can you just get Spike to drive you home, please?"

Steven guestered to Spike, "Spike? No, Sp.. Spike is drunk. You.. you promised to be my sober ride tonight."

Belly sighed, shifting her feet, "Okay, well, I'm ready to go now."

Steven argued back, "Okay, well, I'm not."

"Great. Then can you call an Uber or something?" She suggested.

"Why are you being such a buzzkill right now?" He questioned.

Belly rolled her eyes, "Oh, I'm sorry, am I ruining your fun night, Mr. Perfect Valedictorian?"

"Kinda, yeah." Steven replied.

Her tone condescending, "Okay, well, in case you forgot, which it clearly seems you did, Susannah just died, so I'm a little bit sad."

She held up her hands and laughed sarcastically at her brother, "But please, don't let that stop you from having the time of your life."

Steven's nostrils flared, "F*** you. You know, I lost Susannah, too. Okay? You don't think I'm sad about that?"

"Oh, what, were you crowd-surfing the pain away? My apologies." Belly retorted.

His voice got louder, "No, you should apologize. You screwed up, and now everything is weird with Conrad and Jeremiah."

"I mean, they won't even text me back anymore because of you." Taylor tried to step in, but it fell on deaf ears.

"That isn't my fault!" Belly exclaimed.

"Isn't it?! Hmm? I should be celebrating with them tonight, but they wouldn't come because you made things messy."

"You had Jeremiah, and it just wasn't enough. You had to have Conrad, too."

He scoffed, "God, you are so f***ing selfish."

Taylor jumped in, now he was out of line, "Steven! Are you serious?"

Belly stared at Steven in shock, "I had to have Conrad? Are you kidding? I was in love, Steven."

"Like out of my mind in love. What was I supposed to do?!" She shouted.

Without another word Belly turned on her heels and stormed away into the house. Weaving her way around crowds of people with Taylor behind her.

The blonde caught her wrist, "Hey. Steven is a drunk idiot right now. Please do not listen to him."

Belly shook her head, "No, no. He's right. I mean, I ruined things with both of them, and then Susannah died, and I completely ruined her funeral."

"And I just, I wish I hadn't started any of it."

"No, you don't." Taylor said.

Belly nodded her head frantically, "Yes, I do."

Taylor tried grabbing her hand, "No, you don't..."

"Yes, I do. And I'm so tired of feeling sad all the time, and I just, I don't think I get to feel better."

Taylor's expression softened, "You think that right now, but I promise you..."

Belly cut her off, "No, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing is promised. You can't promise anything."

She felt the tears rushing to her eyes, as she began to apologize, "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just.. I know you're trying your best."

"I don't.. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through right now, and I think I just have to deal with it alone."

Taylor sighed, feeling helpless in the fact there's nothing she can really do or say to help her best friend.

Belly sniffled, "I'm gonna go."

The other girl offered to tag along but she shut her down, "No, no, no, no, no. Stay. I mean, it's your boyfriend's debut, and I just..."

"I just need to go to bed."

Taylor wrapped her arms around the girl, "Will you text me when you get home, please?"

Belly agreed and after saying their 'I love you's', she left the party, finally letting the tears flow on the drive home.

Once she got inside, it was never ending, she got into a fight with her mom. About taking responsibility for her actions.

Which was ironic considering since Susannah died, she'd barely been there. But dropped everything when it came to Conrad and Jeremiah.

She didn't blame her for being there for them, had she not screwed everything up, she would've been there.

But she wasn't going to lie to her mom either, she wasn't parent of the year then, so why start trying now?

She laid in her bed, scrolling through pictures of Susannah, Jeremiah, and... Conrad. That pang in her chest was still there.

She turned off her phone and placed it on her nightstand. Only to pick it up a few seconds later, landing on Jeremiah's contact and clicking call.

Surprisingly, he picked up. "Belly?"

She greeted him, "Hi, Jeremiah. I'm so glad..."

"Are you with Conrad?" He asked.

Her face contorted in confusion, "Uh, no. Why would I be with Conrad?"

"I don't know, I just thought maybe you guys would, um..." He trailed.

"Jere... What is going on?" There was a pause on the other line.

When, eventually, she could hear him sigh, "Conrad's gone."

Belly sat up and flicked on her light, "Wait, what do you... what do you mean he's gone?"

"He's not answering my texts or picking up my calls." He replied.

She exhaled, "Since when?"

He said, "Yesterday."

This wasn't what she thought this conversation was going to be. "I mean, isn't he in the middle of finals? Maybe... he pulled an all-nighter at the library."

"No, no, I don't think so. Apparently he told his roommate that everything is f***ed, and then he just took off." He explained.

She could tell he was stressed, "I think I'm gonna go to Brown in the morning and see if I can track him down."

Belly stated, "Okay. But I'm coming with you."

Jeremiah didn't bother to argue, so he agreed, they would meet up at the campus, and search the school top to bottom to find Conrad.

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After Lindsey and Matt got back to his house. Sam had run off to join Isla and Daniel in the living room where they were watching a movie.

The teens grabbed their shared pizza, leaving the other for his parents and went to Matt's room, picking a couple movies to watch.

They ate their dinner. And while watching, Matt couldn't help but think about the past year, it had been something Matt wouldn't forget, but it wasn't all fun and games.

He missed Susannah, even if he didn't know her well before, he enjoyed every moment he spent with her. Treating him as her own.

Giving him motherly advice, teaching him some recipes, and showing him some of the photo albums from over the years.

Much to Jeremiah's dismay, but he liked seeing Matt and his mom talk, and when Matt would leave, she'd gush about how sweet he was.

At least that's what his friend told him, often teasing him and his mom about being replaced.

Later that night, after Lindsey left and his parents went to bed, Matt held his phone above his face. Staring at his fleeting messages with Jeremiah.

He knew he needed to type something. He didn't know what to say. But he guessed he didn't have to, when Jeremiah's caller I.D popped up.

Matt answered, "Jeremiah?"

It took a minute before he heard anything on the Fisher boy's end. "Hey Matt." He greeted.

He yawned, "It's late, you know." practically facepalming, he sounded annoyed.

His voice softened, "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't know if you'd pick up. Considering..."

Matt finished his exact same thought, "We haven't talked much the past year."

"Yeah... I'm sorry about that." Jeremiah replied, meekly.

Matt rubbed the nape of his neck, "It's fine, stop apologizing. Is everything okay?"

"No, actually, Conrad's been MIA, not answering any texts or calls. I didn't know who else to call up in Cousins, but have you seen him around?"

"Um, no, but I can keep an eye out. Stop by the house if you want." Matt said.

Jeremiah cleared his throat, "You sure? You don't have to. I don't want to bother you if he isn't there, Matt."

Matt shook his head, "I wouldn't have offered to if I didn't want to help Jeremiah."

"I just got off the phone with Belly, she's meeting me at Brown so we can check there." Jeremiah informed him.

Matt checked the time on his phone, "Okay, then yeah. I'll keep an eye out, check the house and keep you updated."

"Okay, and again, I'm sorry." He really wished he'd stop apologizing.

"Jere... I get it. You've apologized three times now, it's fine, I'm not mad."

A beat of silence passed, "Thanks Matt."

"No problem, and hey, we're gonna find Conrad." He hoped that was reassuring.

"I'll see you soon then. And kick his ass for me."

Matt chuckled, "Conrad's taller than me and more athletic. He'd probably kick my ass instead."

The two said their goodbyes, and Matt sighed, what the hell did he just get himself into?

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The End of Chapter 1