Charlotte's Point Of View ~

I nervously sit down on a three seater couch. Hands placed in my lap as my eyes dart all around the room. I see a large mahogany bookshelf, stacked with the finest looking novels money can buy. They differ in colour and style, some books looking years old. I see gold, black and maroon. They look quite exquisite. I look in front of me this time. 

Seeing Dr Coleman.

She's not looking at me, then down as she writes some quick notes upon her notepad that is placed in her hand. The pen sliding divinely along her paper with such ease. Her hair in placed in a very neat bun as her eyes are hiding behind a pair of rather smart looking reading glasses. 

I clear my throat, looking away from her again. 

The small fish tank beside me catches my attention as I listen to the bubbles of the filter along with the sound of the ticking clock that sits on the wall just above it. Feeling my heart beating faster in the same rhythm of the clock. Wait. Getting a little faster now, faster and faster. Oh God, I need to calm myself down a little, I think. Feeling all nervous isn't going to help me. I'm just unsure. Yes, that's what it is. Fear of the unknown. I don't know what is going to happen. What is going to have to be said . . everything? Does everything I have been thinking of need to be said now? I pray not. I don't want it to be said. 

I see her finish up her notes that she was writing down on the notepad, before expressing her apologies as she needed to prepare some notes before our session. I don't mind, of course. I understand. She's sitting with her legs crossed, the black pen is placed between her fingers. The tip of it just centimetres from the paper as she waits for me to speak. 

She speaks first . . 

"Charlotte, there is no reason for you to feel nervous . . " 

I shift slightly in my seat. I feel my eyes start to water. 

"I am here to help you. To talk with you about what you have been feeling the past couple months . . " She's looking right at me. Her face is soft, her voice is quite. Making me feel like she understands me. That she understands my sorrow and pain. 

Does she? I don't think . . I don't know. I'm so nervous, so much fear in me. 

I look at her . . in her eyes. I just nod my head. It's the only form of communication that I can seem to make right now. Just knowing that I am going to be discussing with someone I have only met the true depth of my thoughts. I know that it will all come out. It's not going to be kept locked away. My feelings are going to be coming to the surface. I mean, that is the whole idea of this. In these few months since that horrible day of Michael leaving, most of it . . of what I have been feeling. I have kept it to myself. But that's the problem . . that's what was killing me. So I told my sister everything because I knew that 's what was hurting me the most. I'm not talking to just anyone and letting it all out. There is just so much, way too much to say to someone. 

It's hard to lose a love. 

To have to let go of someone that you're so in love with. That is your whole world. 

A tear runs down my face . . 

"Tell me what your feeling, Charlotte" . . 

" . . what is making you upset right now, darling?" . . Dr Coleman asks me gently. 

I tell myself to just keep it together. So that I can at least speak, so I can tell Dr Coleman about how I'm feeling about Michael. To tell her that my heart can't let him go and I have felt grief since  then.  

"Please, Charlotte. Tell me about Michael . . " She says softly to me. 

I look at her. His name makes me think of him. I imagine him with me. I image his face, his smile. I can hear his angelic voice, his laughter . . all of those things by just the mention of his name. Why do I love him so much? Why haven't I moved on yet? Ugh I hate being this way. 

I put my head down, tears dripping off my chin. 

" . . he . . he was my everything. And now he's gone . . " I stutter, my voice quiet. 

She writes something down on her notepad. 

Her full attention is brought back to me immediately after. 

"I hate that I'm feeling like this, Dr Coleman. Just crying for him all the time . . "

"I just . . I don't wanna look weak. But I just . . I miss him terribly . . " 

" I love him. God, I love him so much . . " 

Dr Coleman hands me the tissue box from off the table. I take a few, wiping my face before placing the tissues in my lap. She's waiting for me to tell her more, much more. There are so many things I'm feeling, it's hard to just focus on one. 

"I have lost myself . . " I start to tell her softly. 

I'm not looking at her. I don't want to. I can't. There is too much fear in me right now to do so. I can't when I talk about this. So many people don't understand, I feel stupid. I can feel her nod her head as she waits patiently for me to continue. She's just sitting there, letting my do all the talking. 

"I look around me, I see everyone smile and be . . happy . . " 

"Everyone seems so happy . . " 

" . . then there's me" I say sobbing softly, I look at her this time. Straight in her eyes. 

My eyes are wet, along with stained cheeks. 

All I wanna do is cry. But I don't want to cry. I don't want to be like this. I wish everything would go back to how it was before . . before it all fell apart. I wish I could undo the pain, just as easy as it came. But I want to get better, I want to heal. Will I be ok? Will I love again? . . 

I'm just emptiness. This has changed me, consumed me.

____________________

I walk inside of my house. Jasmine and mum are sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of hot chocolate. They offer me one, but I don't feel like one. I sit down with them as I feel there eyes are on me. Mum clears her throat causing me to look at her. 

"How did your session go with Dr Coleman, honey? . . " She asks me gently. 

I just shrug my shoulders. 

"Fine. She said that I should go out more. Meet new people . . " 

I pause. 

"Yeah that I should go out more . . and maybe meet guys . . " 

My mum and Jasmine both nod. Obviously instantly agreeing with what I have just said. A lot happened in the short time of my hour session with Dr Coleman. She told many things that she felt could help me. She said that she could see my broken heart, it was the first thing she saw in me when I sat down in her office before our session even start. Telling me she could see it in my face . . but my eyes said it all. There was just so pain there. 

"What else did she say, Charlotte? . . " Jasmine asks me. 

"You know, same old stuff. Go out with friends and just keep busy . . " I tell them both. 

"It'll get better with time . . " I say, wanting this conversation to finish. 

I stand up from my seat as I excuse myself from the kitchen to make my way upstairs towards my bedroom. I'm not going to discuss with Jasmine and mum everything that we talked about. It's between me and Dr Coleman. She told me that she wishes to see me again, to look at my progress a few weeks later. But I don't know about going back. I don't really want to. 

I pick up a photo of Michael, looking at him. It's pathetic, I know. I just . . I really can't help it. I miss him so much. Tears fall from my eyes. God. Here I am, crying for him again. I start to think. Maybe meeting new guys would be just want I need. 

It might finally help me get over Michael and be okay. 

to be continued.