I stare at the hospital bed while absently fiddling with a small box between my fingers. I cannot get my head around the situation and refuse to believe this has happened. It shouldn't have been her, but me instead. It should have been me lying in that hospital bed. Anger and regret engulf my veins as I stow away the small box.
''I am so sorry, ma chéri,'' I whisper, looking down at her wounded face. I let out a shaky breath as the tears are stinging in my eyes, threatening to fall. I shouldn't have switched positions. She shouldn't have driven that car. I cautiously reach for her damaged face, my fingers lightly touching her cheek.
     "I am so so sorry." The scene kept replaying in my head of how the car collided with ours. The way the impact activated the airbags and knocked her unconscious. The smell of smoke. The sound of wailing sirens. The ride to the hospital. The way I got examined. The way she got examined and hasn't woken up yet.
     I cannot bear to lose another person dear to me. I cannot and I will not.

10 HOURS EARLIER

"How are you feeling?" she questions. She sits on the couch as I have my head on her lap. How do I feel? As if a piece of yourself is missing. As if someone took away the final piece of a puzzle. As if someone took away the last ingredient to finish a meal.
"I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest, only to be put back into place with a missing piece," I say, staring at the wall. I feel her fingers through my hair and it soothes some of the zillion feelings I am experiencing.
"Losing a dear friend is never easy," she replies. "But losing him in such a brutal way... I cannot even begin to imagine." A brutal way. He crashed and rolled back onto Eau Rouge Raidillion. Juan Manuel Correa could never have slowed down and crashed into Anthoine's car.
"He had the talent for Formula 1," I mutter.
"I know," she says. "He would have wanted you to focus on your weekend. Despite how difficult that is." I turn to my back, my eyes meeting hers. God, I cannot imagine a life without her. She is my anchor in this hurricane. Her eyes are warm and gentle. A small smile graces her lips which I automatically copy.
"I will always be proud of you, Charles," she whispers. She closes the distance between our face and presses a kiss on my lips. "No matter what."
"I thank you for your support, ma chéri," I say. "I cannot put it into words how much it means to me." Her smile widens and she presses another kiss on my lips. She pulls away, telling me it is time.

Qualifying is underway. I prepare for a second stint, waiting for the sign to leave the garage. I glance in my mirror to see my girlfriend staring at the screens. A small smile graces my lips before averting my gaze.
     I enter the track for an outlap. I know this track from front to back and left to right. I know what to do. I push the throttle after the last chicane to start my flying lap. Come on, Charles.
     My time is safe for Q2 as I run a cooldown lap to the garage. The adrenaline rush feels different this time. I need this pole for Anthoine.
What felt like ages Q3 finally started. The green light is on and several drivers head out for their final laps. I patiently yet impatiently wait for my mechanic to let me out. Xavi tells me a few things I already know and I focus on the lap. I head out to the circuit and I have my fullest attention. This is the lap. I could feel it in my bones. I fly past the starting line to set my time.
"Where are we?" I ask once I cross the finish line.
"P1. P1, provisional pole," Xavi repeats. Fuck yes. My eyes shift to the screens while I drive my cool down lap. The camera follows Max and he finishes. He finishes under me. My heart beats in my throat. Both of the Mercedes finish under me... Only Seb left.
"Xavi, where are we?" I ask quickly. My heart thunders in my throat.
"Pole, I confirm, Pole position." Pole. That thought sunk and oh my god, it felt good. Yet it felt not good. It feels not right to celebrate while Anthoine has just passed away.
     "This one is for Anthoine," I say and enter the pitlane.
     "And he knows it." I hear a familiar voice down the radio and a smile graces my lips. They got her to the pit wall. I get myself out of the car and point my finger upwards. I then rush to my team to embrace them with hugs.
"Where is she?" I shout. They instantly know what I mean and make a path for my girlfriend. It looked like an aisle for the wedding, She sprinted into my arms and I hugged her tight. I will kiss her later, without the helmet and all the fuss around us. I let her go and head to the stewards for weighing.
     ''Win this race for Anthoine, Charles.'' I hear a familiar voice behind me. I turn around and nod. I clasp his shoulder as Pierre copies my gesture.
     ''I will win this race for Anthoine,'' I promise and feel determined to do so.
     After several interviews, it is finally time to return to the hotel.

5 HOURS LATER

''Charles, what floor are you on?'' I listen to the German-accented voice that belongs to Toto Wolff. I tell him which floor I am on and wait for him to arrive. I tend to forget that Toto is her father. I notice him entering the room and I rise to my feet to give them a moment alone.
     ''Charles, what happened?'' Toto questions, standing in the doorway. He leans against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. Deep lines are etched on his forehead. I could see the tears in the corners of his eyes and honestly, I don't blame him.
     ''We were on our way back to the hotel,'' I start. ''And I was driving, yet she asked whether she needed to take over. Well... You know how she asks, it is more like a demand than a question.'' Toto lightly chuckles and silently agrees.
     ''She made me pull over on a random street where we switched positions and continued our way to the hotel,'' I swallow, shutting down the images that pop up in my mind. ''We approached an intersection and I remembered the green lights so it was our turn. We crossed the intersection and it happened so fast... I remember the impact but I hadn't seen the car that collided with ours. We were sent spinning and the airbags launched.'' I stare at the floor as it is playing in my mind like a movie.
     ''All I know is that she was knocked out of consciousness and she was bleeding,'' I say with panic in my voice. I shift my gaze to Toto and desperately say, ''I just want her to wake up.'' Toto nods in agreement but then he notices I pull out a small box out of my pocket. The man stands up tall, his eyes fixed on the box in my hands.
     ''I was going to ask your permission to ask for your daughter's hand after the Grand Prix,'' I mutter. I don't know if Toto is in shock or not. He approaches me and I look in his eyes as he approaches me. He clasps his hand on my shoulder and nods.
     ''You have my permission, Charles,'' he declares. ''I have seen how happy you make my daughter. You are a good man.'' I send him a faint smile and from the corner of my eyes, I notice a doctor walking into her room. Toto follows my gaze and soon we enter the room. The doctor is glancing at the chart and shifts his gaze to us once he takes notice of us.
     ''Good evening, gentlemen,'' he greets courteously as Toto and I nod as a reply. ''The impact of the airbag has caused her unconsciousness. Furthermore, no broken bones except for a few bruises. We expect her to wake up before dawn.'' Toto and I let out a sigh of relief. I visibly relax, knowing that she will be alright. After the brief news, the doctor leaves the room.
     ''Go and get some sleep,'' Toto says. ''You have an important race to start from pole.'' I realize how tired my own body is and I nod. ''I will wake you up as soon as something happens.'' I leave the room before one of the nurses leads me to some guestroom. I don't know, but once my head hits the pillow... I fell asleep.

"Charles." I hear my name echoing through my head. "Charles." I feel someone shaking me and I open my eyes. I stir awake and look at the person with widening eyes. It then registers that it is Toto who is waking me up.
     ''She is awake.'' She is awake. She is awake. I am fast awake and stumble to my feet. I allow Toto to drag me back to the room where I lock eyes with her. She is awake. I slowly approached her bed, keeping my eyes fixed on her. It feels surreal. A small smile graces her lips as a small gasp leaves my lips. I cautiously reach for her face but retract my hands once she flinches.
     ''It's okay,'' she breathes softly. Tears are welling up in my eyes and cautiously cup her cheeks. I feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks.
     ''I love you,'' I whisper, carefully pressing my lips on hers. I pull away as I remember I carry the ring with me. My hands leave her cheeks, only to hold her hands. She sits up straight as I lower myself to one knee. I watch her sleepy expression change into shock. My heart beats in my throat as my eyes are fixed on her.
     ''I have been thinking about us and how happy you make me,'' I say with a slight tremble. ''And I have realized how short life can be and this accident only confirmed it. I was scared to death that you wouldn't wake up. I can't afford to lose another one dear to me.'' I couldn't care less that the tears were rolling down my cheeks. This is our moment together. I let go of her hands and reached for my pocket. I pull out the velvet box.
     ''That is why I want to ask your hand in marriage,'' I say, opening the box. ''Will you make me the happiest man alive?'' Once the words rolled off my tongue, my heart skipped a beat. I now see the tears rolling down her cheeks.
     ''Yes,'' she gasps. ''Yes.'' I gasp in relief and put the ring around her finger. She changes to sitting on her knees as I rise to my feet. She throws her arms around my neck and kisses me hard on the mouth. She really makes me the happiest man alive.
     ''Congratulations.'' I pull away and glance over my shoulder where I see Toto.
     ''Papa,'' she cries. I smile and take a step back for them to have their father-daughter moment.

RACE DAY SPA-FRANCORCHAMPS 2019

I gathered all my focus for this race and I drove like hell. I sweated all the way through the race because both Mercedes' were on my rear. I couldn't afford a mistake. Couldn't and wouldn't. I sped through the Parabolica and crossed the finish line.
     ''YES, YOU HAVE DONE IT!'' Xavi yells over the radio.
     ''YESSSS, WOOOOO. Yes, yes yes,'' I shout. To win this race... For Anthoine. For my father. For my fiance. Two people who made my life better. I enjoyed the cool-down lap and waved to the Tifosi in the grandstands. I park my car in slot number 1. My hands held my helmet as I couldn't believe that this happened. I climb out of the car and point my finger into the air.
     This one is for you, Anthoine.

𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝗉𝖾𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗂𝗇𝖾 𝗁𝗎𝖻𝖾𝗋𝗍
✩𝖺𝗁𝟣𝟫