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JAN 30.

AYO, GUESS WHO'S STILL ALIVE? me bitch, im not going to hell... yet. guess i had enough time to write another entry after all.

HAH, FUCK YOU HANAHAKI.

anyway, today was such an off-day shouto. it was raining cats and dogs. life was not daijobu because some pikachu rip-off was having trouble keeping his static to himself. he keeps on accidentally shocking my pencil, and extendingly so, my hand every time i so much as breathe!

i couldn't write a single sentence in my essay today without having my fist jerking around every two seconds. i could feel yamada-sensei's concern from across the globe, and i would be too if i was him because who writes like they're bouncing on a yoga ball with one buttcheek, playing pancakes with one hand to their imaginary friend?

god, it was so annoying. i can't even blame it on denki either, that motherfucker. i might be an asshole sometimes but not to the point where i'd blame him on something he couldn't control. though if it wasn't for the fact that i'd realized the jolts actually somehow helped prevent the petals from climbing up my throat, i probably wouldn't have been able to restrain my knee from hitting his temple despite my previous statement.

don't ask me how, i dont know either.

you know how people tend to get sadder on shitty weather days like these? where your thoughts kind of get all muddled up, everything is foggy in your head. nothing seems to excite you anymore so your brain decides that it would be a good idea to pull out weird and shitty memories from the deepest depth of your filing cabinets? yeah, i think im having one of those moments right now.

hearing the soft hums of thunder buzzing through the air reminds me too much of that night. that night where everything went right in the most wrong way possible. the night that probably planted the seeds for these petals to manifest in the first place.

do you remember that night as vividly as i do? because for me, it felt as if all of it had only happened just yesterday.

bakugou was making some gourmet popcorn from a pan, and koda was collecting worms that had lost its way onto the sidewalk outside, putting them in cute little jars so he could release them later when the sun comes back out.

everyone was doing their own thing, some scrolling away through tik tok on the couch, others dutifully doing their homework at the dining table. i distinctively remembered that you were staring concerningly at the kitchen wall, i would've loved to ask what your motives were and perhaps even join in on your little surveillance endeavor, but of course, i was too much of a pussy to do so.

then things kind of blurred for me, i couldn't exactly pinpoint what i or anyone for that matter was doing. all i knew was that sero must've said something that prompted mina to gather us all into a circle, and soon enough, without really acknowledging it, we're all preparing to play that stupid game.

in hindsight, it was so stupid and oh my god, so fucking cliche. kissing someone under the disguise of a game that you can't disobey is so cowardly, not that im really in the position to say that myself, but shut up, let me have my moment.

and no, before you form some kind of weird theory of me having a humiliation kink or whatever, not that i'd think you even know what that meant, i didn't want to join. for the record, just the thought of kissing anybody mouth to mouth is stomach-churning itself. i had half the mind to just scurry off into my dorm, much like tokoyami and the other bunch did, but then i saw you join the circle.

and what kind of knight in shining armor would i be if i wasn't there to save the damsel in distress? of course i had to join.

i was pretty sure you didn't really know what was happening. you weren't really someone i'd dub to be into these kinds of things, but i saw the chance and i'd be damned if i didn't take it. call me a dirty player but i was a desperate hoe okay? desperate times called for desperate measures. i will live to probably regret this day but who cares.

then you know what happened, people spun the bottle, people kissed. i thankfully didn't have to kiss anyone since it never landed on me, and nobody landed on you either so yeah, none of that mattered.

blah blah blah, and then it was my turn.

i swear that fucking coke bottle must have been some cupid–or shall i say devil–reincarnated because the first (and last) time i spun it, it landed right on you.

i don't know what the probability of that was, i was never really one to count on luck since most of the time, it was never on my side. i might not be the best at math but im pretty sure the likelihood of that happening was low as fuck.

none of that mattered though, since I saw your cheeks burst into a million red carnations that night thanks to that fucking bottle. might i add, it was the most breathtaking sight i've ever seen, it seriously took everything within me not to confess to you right then and there.

my heart was beating so fucking loud i had to place a hand over my chest to muffle what i could. though im sure with the obvious ups and downs of my sweatshirt, anyone, never mind you, should be able to deduce how much of a nervous wreck i was.

finally, after staring at each other for what felt like centuries, we both hesitantly, yet evidently, invaded each other's bubble. suddenly, a wave of spearmint and some bougie good-smelling as fuck shampoo washed over all the rainy scent pelting against the window, all the pockets of buttery popcorn gusting out of the kitchen, all the comforting concoction of different body wash that filled up the living space.

you wrapped your hands around my waist so gently, as if i was newborn fawn just barely learning how to walk. to be treated as if even a feathery touch could disintegrate me, i felt like i was going to combust. the mental image of being throttled over your shoulder in this position is so ingrained into my system that i couldn't even fathom what's going to happen next.

when your face finally started inching towards me, when your lips finally brushed against mine, a tangled ball of excitement, embarrassment, relief and an overwhelming amount of love and lust exploded from my guts. i felt like a baby palm tree grasping at loose dirt against the tidal waves of a tsunami, gripping the fabric on my thighs to prevent it from getting lost carding through your silky locks and deepening the kiss so that i could show you the galaxies and the stars i see twinkling through your eyes.

despite feeling my face flame from our shared warmth, i couldn't stop the shiver that slithered through my spine. your lips were so incredibly soft and your pretty little face was so fucking close. i was so glad i hadn't ate the garlic bread bakugo had offered earlier, this moment would've been ruined if i did.

as i, way too eagerly, leaned in to reciprocate the kiss, you reflected back with more force than i would have ever anticipated.

the way you molded your chest flushed against mine, nestled your fingers into the knotted mess of my hair. the way your hands trembled in the dip just above my tailbone, curling itself against the frayed edges of my loose shirt. the way you were just smothering me and kind of, just a bit, suffocating me with you and your scent and you alone had me arching from the pressure of it all.

i felt like i was teeter-tottering over the edge of a cliff from the sheer intimacy you were expressing, i could feel my roots ripping from the earth and the waves tugging my branches away, rushing me up then downstream, left and right eventually to who-knows-where.

the sudden realization that yes, we were actually kissing each other and yes, it is actually happening right now, finally dawned on me, and if it wasn't for the arms you had wrapped around my back, i would've fainted right then and there.

all too soon, the humid coolness of the room pulled me out of the fantasy i was in and plopped me back into the living room of class 1-a's dorm. my lips felt frozen as they left yours, every nerve of my body was urging me to fist your collar into my chest and reestablish the critical link between us but again, i was too much of a pussy to do so.

it was too stressful, too frightening, too anxious for me to even think about trying. because i no longer have the excuse of the game and the nonexistent pressure, the unrejectable, irrefutable position for you to say yes to my selfish request. the chances of you actually committing to the act weren't certain anymore and my pissy-ass self wasn't ready to get rejected just yet. especially not after what had just transpired.

through hazy lenses, the night resumed and a few more bottles were spun before the night ended.

the sun rose, the worms koda kept was released, and class resumed.

call it a miracle but somehow, we both managed to keep our interactions just the same as it was before. greeting each other in the morning wasn't awkward, eating lunch at the same table wasn't either. but i don't know whether to feel relieved or upset by that.

how could you sit with such a cool head on your shoulders when im over here unable to stop your lips, your eyes, your hair, your hands, you, from cycling through my head?

was that all nothing to you?

did you not notice how natural, how almost instinctual it was to have each other in our embrace?

everything else felt so disoriented and nonexistent in that brief moment of touching lips, nothing and no one was relevant. it was just you and me.

oh the number of things id do to kiss you again. if i had the chance id kiss you senseless. i'd commit villainy for even just one more lick, one more taste of them again.

okay wait its getting a little weird now. phew i think its my teenage hormones acting up again. i swear im not always this horny.

im getting embarassed just rereading what i just wrote, holy shit what the fuck. im going to mark this page so that id know to never flip to this god-awful part ever again.

im too embarrassed to write anymore. maybe staying up two nights in a row was a bad decision after all.

that and probably the reminiscing bullshit. screw flower girls, i could probably throw more petals onto the bride's dresses than some toddler who could barely keep themselves upright.

someone should hire me before these petals turn bloody.

no but seriously, these flowers are shooting up my esophagus like there's no tomorrow.

...i really hope there'll be a tomorrow.

let a girl thirst hanahaki,

l/n y/n

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