tw: sexual assault mentioned, not detailed.

Zane decided to check on Alaska the next day. She hadn't came out of her room all morning, knocking on her door before entering. She paused Great British Bake Show when he walked in. "I was just making sure you're alive."

"I'm alive." she said in return as he shut the door and walked over. "I'm sorry for last night."

"Don't worry about it. You'll have to get your Mom new flowers though, she's having a funeral for them right now." he crawled next to her, holding his arm up for her to lay on his chest as his arm went around her shoulders. "What happened?"

She inhaled with a shrug. "Miguel and I got into an argument, and I got so mad I tried to hit him."

"Then a karate war went on in the front yard." he hummed, touching one of the bruises on her face as she winced. "I think you both probably said things you didn't mean."

Alaska exhaled. "Dad?"

"Yeah?" he asked her.

"Things have been different." she had to admit it. "Sine the All Valley...i've felt bad about it all. I've been so angry, and I don't know how to handle it all."

"Well, you're allowed to be angry. What happened was bullshit." he agreed with her. "It's being able to handle it that is what you need to learn how to do. Taking it out on everyone else isn't gonna fix anything."

"It didn't make me feel better when I stabbed Terry in the leg either." she pointed out as Zane froze at her words. "I forgot to tell you that."

He cleared his throat. "Is he dead?"

"No, of course not." she shook her head as he let a breath go. "What i'm saying is I don't think i'm angry at anyone else. I think i'm just angry at myself but don't know how to punish me like how I can other people."

Zane rubbed the side of her head. "You have no reason to be mad at yourself. It's not your fault, non of that is."

"Yes, it is." Alaska corrected him. "I used in the first place. If I hadn't, non of this would have happened. If I didn't use, I wouldn't rely on Miguel for my sobriety and we would have never fought, I wouldn't have anything for Terry to mock me with, the world wouldn't feel so hard to fight every day. It's just so suffocating and i'm so pissed off! I'm pissed off!"

"Okay, you're pissed off." Zane agreed with her. "What do you wanna do with that anger?"

Alaska inhaled. "I wanna hurt someone with it."

"I see." Zane sat up with a deep inhale. "I have an idea. You might not like it, but it helps me."

Alaska gave a hesitant look as she stayed in her bed. "What?"

She sat right in front of a high dollar therapist.

"Your Dad says you suffer from anger." Mrs.Glaw stared at Alaska. "Do you wanna tell me about that?"

She looked down. "No."

"Okay, that's fine." she nodded. "Can you at least tell me why you're so angry?"

Alaska shrugged. "Because of my choices."

"Which choices?" she pushed her on, Alaska didn't want to talk. "Tell me about the first time you felt the most angry."

Alaska leaned back on the couch. "This girl put on my karate website that i'd been using drugs. It got me kicked off the team and everyone knew."

"How'd you handle that anger?" Mrs.Glaw nodded, twisting her pin.

"I beat her up in a school fight." she shrugged in return. "Like...really bad."

"Is that the only time you've been that angry?" she asked her.

"No." Alaska admitted. "My boyfriend broke our best friends arm. I felt a lot of anger then too."

"How'd you handle it that time?" she nodded, trying to find a pattern.

"I tried to relapse, but I was stopped and then I just cried for a few weeks." she shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't wanna hurt him."

"Why not?" Mrs.Glaw nodded.

"Because I love him. I don't love Yasmine." Alaska met her eye. "I don't understand why I have to tell you all the times i've been angry."

"You don't have to do anything, we're just talking." she gave her a little smile. "Any other times?"

Alaska inhaled. "A couple people really hurt my boyfriend a few months ago. I was the most angry then."

"And what'd you do?" she asked her, writing it down.

"I went a little nuts." Alaska had to laugh slightly. "I broke both my hands."

"So, that was a lot of anger then." she nodded as Alaska did the same. "Have you ever felt that much before?"

"No, never that much." the Lee Girl nodded her head. "But, now I feel like i'm angry like that all the time."

"Do you think that caused you to see what you were truly capable of?" Mrs.Glaw asked. Alaska didn't say anything. "What are some things you find yourself getting angry about now?"

"Everyone. It's like everyone I talk to, I remember something they've done and it pisses me off." she had to point out as she stared at her. "But, it's mainly my closest friends. The people I love the most. I can ignore the old anger for people that i'm just friends with, not best friends."

"How many is there?" she asked her curiosity.

"Three." Alaska chewed on the inside of her mouth. "Eli, Demetri, and Miguel. I got into a fight with one of them last night, and ever since then i've thought about things they've all done that has pissed me off so bad."

"Can you name a few things that you've been thinking about?" Mrs.Glaw suggested as Alaska exhaled, crossing her legs and looking up. Her voice was so gentle, she was so calm and easily liked that it was hard to imagine so much anger going on in her head.

"My best friend, Demetri, use to date this girl that bullied me my entire life. She did really bad things to me, and he dated her anyways." Alaska shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't think about it at the time, but now i'm just really mad about it."

"Of course." Mrs.Glaw nodded. "And what about the others?"

"Miguel." Alaska popped the rubber band around her elbow. "He left me here and I'm really mad because I felt like relapsing so many times since he was gone. And now, even though we're fighting, knowing he'll run to me if I have a flair up makes it easier. That reason isn't really that fair, I guess."

Mrs.Glaw looked up when's he didn't go on. "You said three. You're missing one. Eli."

Alaska was quiet, a since of panic was in her eyes. Mrs.Glaw blinked as her. "What has he done that's made you the angriest?"

Alaska exhaled as she shrugged. "He was kinda friends with this guy. Like, they weren't best friends, but they hung out and were together all the time."

"And why does that upset you?" she stared at her, letting Alaska know she had her entire attention.

She was quiet for what felt like a century. "This boy....a few years ago made me do something I didn't want to do. Afterwards, I was really upset but Eli was there to help me through it. And seeing him hang out with this guy just hurt me."

"You said made you do something." Mrs.Glaw feared the worst when she asked. "Do you wanna tell me what he did?"

Alaska stared at her with a shrug. "He made me go down on him once. It didn't last long, because my teeth got in the way."

"Alaksa, honey." she shut her notebook and leaned forward some. "Does anyone know about this?"

"A few of my friends." she shrugged with a questionable look. "What? He's not my problem."

"Sexual Assault is something that is serious." Mrs.Glaw stared right into her eyes. "Do you think this, what happened years ago, could be something that causes you so much anger now?"

"He didn't- I wasn't sexually assaulted." Alaska gave her an odd look. "I wasn't raped."

"Rape isn't the only thing that equals to sexual assault, sweetie. Anything sexual against your will is considering assault." she shook her head gentle, she could see the immediate panic in her eyes. "What else do you want to tell me about this?"

She was quiet, shaking her head side to side. "It isn't a big deal. It's not."

"It is." Mrs.Glaw corrected her. "I want to ask you something. If that hadn't happened...do you think you'd be as angry as you are now?"

"Yes. Yes. Karate is what made me angry." she exhaled. Alaska stood
up, she felt hot and closed in. "Karate taught me how to be angry. That's not...Kyler has nothing to do with it."

"What made you join karate?" Mrs.Glaws words made her pause, fall completely still as her back was to her. "Did you want to defend yourself incase something like that happened again?"

Alaska sat there, she just sat there. "He told everyone, and they bullied me for it. I just wanted to defend myself."

It all lead back to what Kyler did, she just didn't have any knowledge of it. She didn't even know that it was considered sexual assault, she didn't know any of it until right now. She grabbed her bag. "I have to go."

"Alaska! Sweetie, come-" Mrs.Glaw walked out as Alaska hurried to the door.

"Al?" Zane looked up from the waiting room. "Hey."

But, she was hurrying, hurrying out of the office. She was panicking, letting the facts on the matter set in as she finally grasp onto what had happened. Most of all, she thought of a rumor. First, the rumor about her using too much teeth spread. Then, not too long after, Kyler lied about getting sexual with Sam at a theater. Alaska knew that if what happened to her lead to Kyler spreading an untrue rumor, there was a chance that the same thing happened to Sam. And she wasn't about to let it get pushed aside like it was no big deal like she'd let her own assault do this entire time.

•

kylie speaks

this is a sexual assault
hotline number for you
or anyone you know to
call is you've experienced
sexual assault. remember
that what you have been
through is not any less of
an assault as one's who have
had it worse. you're valid
and you deserve to be treated
with care regardless.
1-800-656-4673