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C H A P T E R   F O U R T Y - F I V E
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»She's love, she loves, and yet she is not lov'd.«
— William Shakespeare, Venus and Adonis

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PREVIOUSLY ON "AUTUMN KILLED"

Because in front of me stood Taeyong.

When I looked into his face, I had the feeling that he was looking past me and only then did it dawn on me. I looked behind me and that was when I felt like I was hitting the ground hard. My eyes got huge, my heart burst.

Lucas stood with a wet upper body and only a towel around his hips, half-naked behind me...

~∙~∙~

There were these weirdly insane situations in life where just ten measly seconds back into the past could straighten things out and steer the story in a completely different direction. But I didn't have a magical remote control that could do it and let my bum get off lightly. That was the moment I handed the ship's rudder to Fortuna – the goddess of fate – and waited for the big bang. Because I was sure that Taeyong would not give me the opportunity to explain the relatively piquant picture that was presented to him.

And suddenly, I was completely sober.

"Hey, Boss." Lucas' voice cut the silence and I thought I could hear slight nervousness in it.

My fear was omnipresent, but the numb feeling in my limbs wouldn't let up, wouldn't let me run away from here.

It happened so fast, extremely fast. Taeyong grabbed my wrist and pulled me over the threshold and out of the apartment. While I tried to look him in the face, he let go of me and went inside himself, closing the door behind him without saying a single word.

I was frozen, but the urge to run away from here grew steadily, because many of the scenarios that my sick brain imagined didn't turn out to be relatively in my favor. On the other hand, I tried to empathize with Taeyong – which was absurd, because after all, it was none of his business where I was and with whom – but still... How would I have felt if I visited a friend and found him there standing next to someone being all wet and wearing nothing but a towel?

Less disappointed than finding his hidden marriage certificate.

Fuck off.

My stay in Lucas' apartment had been of innocent nature, but the voice in my head was right. Taeyong had never cared about such things. He didn't care a bit what other people thought of him and who he could hurt with his actions. Everything revolved around him and his well-being; that his wishes and needs were granted and satisfied.

All the understanding that I had left for him a few seconds ago died the moment I felt sensation in my limbs again. The heat shot through my body and I shook my head, turned around and started walking away.

I probably should have waited and clarified the situation, because Lucas could now have to endure allegations just because of me, but right now, at that moment, I absolutely didn't feel obliged to explain anything to anyone.

My heart was beating wildly, but I felt fine, superior. By now I was even hoping that Taeyong got the whole thing down the wrong way, that he came up with absurd things, that he got angry. After all, he deserved it.

"Hey!" Startled, I spun around, not expecting anyone behind me.

Taeyong. His indifferent expression lasted less than a millisecond.

"What's your problem?" he asked me, his voice sounding icy.

I tried to say something, but it didn't work right away. Where had all my determination fled to?

"Have you completely lost your mind? Are you actually aware of what you were doing there?"

Wow, that was an awful lot of questions my brain had to deal with, but I followed suit.

"What are you talking about? God, please, what did I do that is so terribly wrong?" My voice was firm and I didn't slur a bit, which I was relatively happy about.

"You go out alone in this state of yours, and then you really think it'd be a good idea to go to Lucas? Are you fucking serious?"

My cheeks glowed. "Yes I do. And yes. It was a great idea to go to Lucas. He took care of me." They weren't the same words I had formed in my mind; I didn't even know where the last part came from.

His expression darkened, the icy coldness of his eyes terrified me.

"You should have called me. Instead you write me those stupid text messages and go to some guy's home to watch him shower."

My face fell. "Lucas certainly told you it wasn't like that." If it was not for that, he would have thrown more terrible things at my head. He probably believed Lucas.

"He did. Still, I don't understand how you got the idea to go to his apartment. You could've called your father, your brother, but not my fucking associate."

"I didn't call him! He was just there and offered me to wait at his place." I felt like I was screaming, but I barely heard my own voice. "Lucas is okay, I like him in some way. And he helped me out." This time I heard myself; I roared through the neighborhood shrill and loud and felt as if I was going to explode at any moment. "What the fuck is your problem anyway? Shouldn't you be home with your wife and children?"

His hand shot out and I winced out of reflex, but I was still surprised when he grabbed Lucas's leather jacket, ripping it off my shoulder.

"Enough's enough! Do you like smelling like him now, too? Are you this fond of his cologne?"

My face was on fire and almost instinctively, I yanked my arm back and raised my hand. Before my palm could reach him, however, he grabbed my wrist roughly and pulled me towards him with force.

He purposely applied a bit of pressure on my jaw, which made me gasp.

"If I see you around him again, I'll finish you both off."

His words burned into my brain, but the kiss that followed burned into my heart...

~∙~∙~

The warm water pattered down my tense back. I was sitting on the shower floor with my legs drawn up and my arms wrapped around them. It was strange how loud my thoughts were despite the thundering jets of water that drummed hard against the pane; I could hear my inner voice clearly and distinctly.

Taeyong's appearance and threats seemed to have been buried somewhere in the deepest corners of my mind, because I couldn't concentrate on anything but the kiss. He already had brushed his thumb across my lips in a suggestive manner once and had almost kissed me to irritate and annoy me and of course that had made me terribly confused, despite working together on finding the correct passwords. But this time there weren't any parallels to the last time – why had he kissed me after the threat? To demonstrate his power? To annoy me so that I would fire back?

But all of this made relatively little sense, because after that, he had taken me to the HQ without saying another word, not even looking at me. The mood had been icy, but I had hoped that he would say something so that the whole thing would no longer be so unspeakably weird, strange and somehow embarrassing.

That was it; that's how I felt. Embarrassed, unable to say anything meaningful or jump at his throat.

His kiss had been final and had taken all wind from my sails, the strength to face him and defend myself. I closed my eyes with a sigh and shook my head barely visible. Unless this strange situation was somehow out of the way or completely forgotten, I didn't know what to do in his presence. Because somehow I couldn't get rid of the oppressive feeling that this kiss meant much more than a threat...

At exactly nine o'clock my cell phone rang - it was Mark. Apparently he had just woken up and noticed my absence. He told me that Ten had already left for the airport, and I tried to explain to him what exactly had happened a few hours ago, but I felt worn out and didn't really have the strength to go into detail. Jungwoo would also be wondering what was wrong with me when he'd meet me for breakfast; so I stood in front of the mirror and tried to erase the traces of the night from my face with my reliable concealer.

Taeyong and I had returned home at three o'clock at night, but I hadn't been able to sleep. Instead, I would doze off in bed every now and then until I made it to the bathroom and showered at 8 a.m.

When my cell phone rang a second time that morning, I snorted. "Hello?"

"Good morning, Carmen."

I froze. It was –

"Mr. Na- uh, Yuta! Good morning."

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, not really," I answered him, "I'm just a little baffled by your surprise call."

"Really?" He chuckled. "I admit, it is a bit too early to have our appointment for today in mind."

I had completely forgotten our appointment and the thought of having to get ready and be on my feet all day made me sick.

I put my hand on my mouth, and listened to Yuta's words.

"Don't tell me now you have indeed forgotten about it. I was looking forward to having you and your brilliant input back in my company."

I didn't feel good enough to listen between the lines and ponder whether he was flirting with me or not. Inwardly, I counted to three again, trying to focus on something else so I wouldn't throw up.

"Carmen?"

One. Two. Three.

"Carmen, are you there?"

The cold sweat stood on my forehead and I knew that it was now inevitable.

"Miss Cain?"

I leaned over my trash can just in time when I threw up. The cell phone flew out of my hand and I collapsed on my knees, shaking.

The little sleep, all the commotion, wandering around in the cold, the alcohol, the lack of food – all of that knocked out the rest of my stomach's contents, which was probably not that bad in that case, because after all, it consisted only of alcohol.

I cleaned myself up with damp towels and scuttled into the bathroom on shaky legs to wash the clutter out of my trash can. It's hard to believe, but I felt a little better, so I took a little more time to wash my face and brush my teeth without having to worry about fainting.

It wasn't until I returned to my room and saw the cell phone on the floor that I remembered Yuta. I was shocked to find that the call was still ongoing.

"Hey, Yuta. Are you still on the line?" As miserable as I was, I couldn't help but smile slightly.

There was a rustle just before he spoke. "Carmen? Is everything alright?"

I sat on my bed and closed my eyes. "I had a spell of vomiting. Please excuse me."

"No need to be excused. How are you feeling?"

It was hard for me to tell a respected entrepreneur I wanted to impress that I had drunk far too much, ate little and slept little to none. Presumably the stress surrounding diabolo had also contributed to it, but that remained to be seen.

"I feel like I'm coming down with something."

"What a pity. I hope you'll feel better soon."

"I hope so, too. I wouldn't want to miss our trip to Japan."

"I wouldn't want you to miss it either."

Are we flirting?

"Don't worry about the appointment. Have a good rest today and tomorrow to regain your strength. And make sure to drink a lot."

Just the word drink made me think of alcohol, which inevitably made me shudder. The nausea was omnipresent, but not as intense as it was a few minutes ago.

"If there's anything I can do to help you feel better, like, say, send a way-over-the-top get well soon fruit basket and a gigantic fluffy teddy bear to your address..." I interrupted him with a laugh, which he quickly joined.

"Sure," I smiled, "I will tell when I need the gigantic fluffy teddy bear, promise."

He chuckled, "You won't believe how many grown men needed a gigantic fluffy teddy bear to feel better from the crashed stock market."

"No way!" I caught my breath in surprise, "You're kidding."

"I am." I giggled when I heard the amusement in his voice. This relaxed lightheartedness, even a little bit of goofiness suited him, and I was more than proud to be able to reveal this side of him even in my miserable condition. "Jokes aside, I mean it, Carmen, do not hesitate to let me know if you need anything. Okay?"

"Okay." A tiny part of me didn't wish for the phone call to end. Nakamoto Yuta surprisingly had a very soothing voice and I bet, he'd have a great singing voice as well. "Thank you, Yuta."

"Take care, Carmen."

"You too." I hung up and listened closely when I heard my twin walk outside my door – I would recognize his steps among thousands.

"Are you really sick or did you just drink too much?" he asked me when he entered the room not a second later, and sat on my bed.

I gave him a questioning look, "How much of the conversation did you hear?"

"Enough to notice the flirty undertone. So back to my question?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I groaned and lay back in my bed, massaging my temples.

"Yeah, Ten told me this morning before he left for the airport," Jungwoo let me know, "and Lucas told me his point of view before he left for the airport as well." I groaned at that part. "And from what I heard, I knew my cute little twin would be too hungover to meet me at our breakfast date," He patted my head before I slapped his hand away. "Anyway, that's why I came here."

"Amazing," I commented dryly.

"Oh, Cami. What kind of things are you doing?", he reprimanded me as if I were only five.

"Yeah, I know. I overdid it."

He sighed theatrically. "You are not on good terms with alcohol and do not yet know how everything around here works. No one – and believe me when I say no one – should be near Lucas at night. He can be funny and goofy and I do like him as well, but you didn't adapt enough to understand the warning signs around. That's why I gave you this speech on your first day, remember? The hard stuff can be really dangerous for the inexperienced."

The sermons from first Taeyong last night, then Mark this morning, were probably not enough, now Jungwoo started too. And somehow he was speaking utter nonsense. As if I had never drunk before and didn't know how to handle it.

"I can decide for my own, thanks, and I'm not inexperienced with alcohol either."

"But apparently you are-"

"Jungwoo, please", I interrupted him, shuddering again as a small wave of nausea rolled over me. "I can't talk right now."

"Doing hot girl shit?" he asked, amused.

"I am not doing well," I repeated seriously and louder this time.

"It's okay. Then rest well and we'll have breakfast together another time. Don't forget to eat something and drink enough water."

I rolled my eyes and snorted inwardly. Why did the people around me have to exaggerate it so much; I could take good care of myself.

"Love you, hungover princess."

"Love you, too," I grumbled as Jungwoo gave me a quick kiss to my temple and stood up from my bed, before he closed the door behind him and the only thing you could hear were his footsteps getting quieter and quieter in the distance.

~∙~∙~

After a good and proper amount of sleep, I felt significantly better by 3 p.m. Much better, actually – at least as far as my body was concerned. As soon as I opened my eyes, my thoughts raced around Taeyong again.

I stumbled into the kitchen and after a quick snack with a sandwich, I lay back in bed and picked up my cell phone. Ten should have landed in Bangkok by now and settled in at the hotel, so I decided to text him.

ME
hey fav <3
how's the weather
in thailand?

TEN
I wouldn't know

ME
look outside maybe?

TEN
we're still in seoul,
the flight was
postponed to 9 pm

ME
what? oh no :(

TEN
yeah, that sucks
lucas and I decided
to have some lunch
wanna join us?

ME
why are you with lucas?

TEN
he keeps me company

ME
??

TEN
don't ask, ty's order

ME
ah, probably his way
of keeping us apart

TEN
lol I heard

ME
mark?

TEN
who else

ME
don't know,
maybe from lucas himself?

TEN
nah, he didn't even
mention the other night once.
so, are you joining us?

ME
thanks I just ate,
but another time maybe

TEN
up to you,
we'll be heading back
to the airport later,
you know how I love
those massage chairs

ME
hahahahahahahah
get your well deserved massage

TEN
you bet I will

ME
text me when you land?

TEN
it's gonna be around
3 or 4 am, but will do

ME
have a nice flight

TEN
thanks favorite <3

After the chat with Ten, I had an annoying question on my mind. Why hadn't I heard from Taeyong until now? I was pretty sure that he had gone to his room, too, after he drove me to the headquarter. But now I wasn't so sure anymore, because I hadn't heard a sound from anyone or anything in this building – had he perhaps left immediately afterward? To an event or meeting, or maybe to Nalin?

I shook my head with a sigh and turned in my bed. The soberer I got, the more hectic my thoughts became; the shame of last night returned.

Hell, I really did go home with Lucas. Except for Taeyong, I'd talked to Mark, Jungwoo, and now with Ten about it. But only now did my brain want to realize the fact. Why did I think it was a good idea at the time? After all, I hardly knew him, besides that, I wasn't really at ease with his persona. My brother's words, which I had initially felt attacked by, slowly sank into my brain. It was a huge difference to work together and exchange flirtatious arguments here and there, or to go to his apartment alone at night.

My heart jumped and my eyes widened.

'I like him in some way.'

Why the hell had I said such a thing to Taeyong if it wasn't even true? Since when did I like Lucas? It took more than two jokes, a bedtime story, and a smirk to like a person. After all, I hardly knew him.

In itself, there was nothing wrong with the sentence I told Taeyong, but the 'in some way' at the end made it sound slightly suggestive.

Why did I even care how he could misunderstand and might take something out of context. He was malicious and my blood was seething in my body when I recalled what I had figured out yesterday despite my foggy condition: Taeyong was Jaehyun's killer.

I had never believed in the principle of offender protection – no matter how often he tried to pretend he didn't know what I meant with my accusations. In that way, he was guilty for me until proven innocent.

Lucky that you do not determine the laws of this country, huh?

I completely blocked out my inner voice, because my conscience also knew that I was right. If – and this part I'd find out soon enough – Taeyong had killed his right-hand-man himself – and at this point, I just assumed he did it – then I'd bring hell out on earth. Not because Jaehyun meant something for me, I honestly could care less, but putting one and one together, he meant something to Sayeon. I'd do it for her, my one and only true friend. Jaehyun deserved better. Sayeon deserved better. And Taeyong... he would get exactly what he deserved.

... once I learned how to deal with my embarrassing situation.

And then the argument last night. The disgusting things he threw at me. Still, the kiss beat everything. I pulled the covers over my head and hid from the outside world, especially from diabolo himself. I really couldn't cope with shit like that; I wasn't used to being overpowered with gestures, especially when I didn't know what they meant.

I would rather fight with words.

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A/N:

The next chapter will be uploaded in the next few days. It just needs a tiny bit of editing ^^

Also, yes, I'm aware that some of you don't like Cami's first name, but 45 chapters in, it's too late to change it. Her full name is only used by a handful of people anyway, but yeah, if it's still annoying you, just pretend it's the name of your choice, or even your own name. I call her Cami, but I don't care if you call her blossom, bubbles, buttercup, or bob, it's up to you.

If you liked this chapter, please don't forget to vote.

Love you lots, Lyra <3