▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

C H A P T E R F O U R T Y
➍⓿

»My thoughts have destroyed me more than blades ever could.«

────────⊲❈⊳────────

trigger warning;
please proceed with caution.

"Run out of tears already, I see," Lucas commented thoughtfully as he looked at me being curled up in a ball on the bed bawling my eyes out like a little kid for the past 35 minutes. But it felt like I had aged a few years. Sooner or later silvery hair would sprout on my head from all this drama.

I sniffled a couple more times, head peeking up from its hiding spot under my arms. My eyes were all bleary and puffy from my uncontrollable sobbing. I looked at Lucas who was sitting beside me on the bed, looking at me with the same concerned expression as he had on from before.

I nodded glumly in response. Lucas had accepted my request and taken me away from the Headquarter. I was hoping he would drive me to my home, but besides the fact that he didn't know my address, I also doubted it for apparent reasons; with that, he would declare war on Taeyong.  And no one wanted that since the winner was certain. Instead, he had taken me to his motorcycle, told me to "Hold on tight" and driven me all the way to Ten who had let us into his apartment very shocked.

"Ready to tell me anything yet?"

I shook my head. My mouth was dry, and I simply didn't feel like talking at the moment. The wound from Taeyong was still fresh, and I needed time to myself to sort things out internally.

He sighed. "Are you ever going to be ready to tell me?"

I chose not to respond, closing my eyes.

"You know you can't keep all this bottled up, or you'll explode."

I feel like exploding now.

"Come on, talk to me. I'm starting to get really worried."

When I still refused to answer, he added, "If you won't tell me I'm going to interrogate him myself."

"Do what you want." My voice came out raspy and hoarse, evidently from the lack of water. I licked my parched lips and sighed.

"Good, you're finally talking," he said, sounding slightly more relieved. "Do you want me to beat him up for you, just to make you feel better?"

I was surprised that Lucas had even considered doing this to his boss. From what I had witnessed, the only person who disobeyed rules and order would be this guy named Danger or Haechan or whatever his name was – I knew that despite meeting the guy in person who couldn't be tamed and Mark always seemed to have arguments with. Maybe he and Lucas would even team up to tackle down Taeyong. The ghost of a smile played on my lips. Violence was never the answer to anything, but the idea of letting Taeyong get punished for all the hurt he was causing me stirred a pleasant and childish happiness. Yet, I didn't want him to get hurt either.

An image of the injured, bloody man popped up in my mind. He had been stabbed three times in his stomach in a sneak attack from a rival gang, coughing up blood when we had transported him to one of our hospitals, causing a huge fuss. All because he had insisted on me wearing his protection vest. The worst part was that since that incident, I had almost always felt guilt and worry when he got injured, even if it was just during training. This was also the case a few days ago, when we were attacked in the supposedly empty warehouse and when I later discovered the bleeding wound on his shoulder.

"Earth to Cry Baby," Lucas waved his hand in front of my face, "What are you thinking about? 101 ways to kill Taeyong?"

Now that got a real smile out of me. Lucas' sense of humor was definitely a force to be reckoned with. Seeing me smile made him grin with relief. His shoulders sagged and he put his hand on my knee. "There you go, all better."

I nodded and said softly, "Thanks, Lucas."

Knock, knock.

I turned my head around when there was a knock on the room door. A moment later, a grinning Ten entered the room, holding a tray with three cups in his hand.

"Room service," He greeted, closing the door after him. A grin appeared on Lucas' face when he saw the tray in Ten's hand.

"Is that hot chocolate?" Lucas jumped up and went to meet his colleague, quickly grabbing the cup with the "HOT TUB. Sit, Sip, Simmer" text on it.

"No, this is tea," Ten answered plainly.

"Ow, man," Lucas complained, putting the cup down on the window sill, "I can't drink tea, it always makes me sleepy. Do you have anything stronger?"

"There's an opened vodka bottle on the shelf."

"Nice."

"Here you go, Cami," Ten said ignoring Lucas and handed me a cup of tea, "I'm telling you, it's the best tea in the world, a special herbal mix from my grandma."

"Thank you," I smiled at him. The smell of the tea was heavenly and so comforting.

"You can thank me by telling me what happened." Ten grabbed his own cup and sat right across from me.

I paused uncertainly. "I don't really want to talk about it just yet though..."

"But we need to know," Lucas commented from the other side of the room, pouring a hell lot of the liquid alcohol into his hot tea. I grimaced at the thought of its taste. "So we can decide what to do with him! It might finally give me a good reason to beat him up real good!"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his childishness. "No."

Right then, Lucas' smartwatch beeped for the seventh time since we had arrived in Ten's apartment. Automatically, Ten turned his head to face Lucas in confusion and his eyes widened as his gaze darkened in sudden realization.

"You didn't do the job yet?"

"I was about to do it," Lucas defended himself with an innocent expression, before drinking some of his tea, grimacing and pouring more vodka in it.

"What are you waiting for? Do it now, Lucas!"

"Will do, Tennie," Lucas drank more from his teacup, evidently satisfied with its new taste. I heard Ten curse under his breath and wondered why he behaved so on edge all of a sudden. He got up, put his teacup aside before walking up to Lucas and roughly taking the vodka-tea mixture from his hand.

"Lucas, you need to run that errand immediately!" Ten reminded him with a scarily serious tone. A side I never thought I'd ever see of him. But to be honest, that side of him was kind of scary, with his steely eyes and clenched jaw. Ten seemed to boil with indignation as to why Lucas hadn't already done what he was supposed to do.

Moments later, Lucas nodded knowingly as they seemed to continue communicating with their eyes only.

I heard Lucas sigh when he got up from his seat, "Alright, Angel," he gave me a sneaky smile, "I gotta go for now. Don't miss me too much."

"I'll try," I commented drily.

With a wink in my direction, he left the room and it was just a matter of seconds before the apartment door fell shut.

"Now," Ten turned to me with a serious expression, not giving me the time to ask questions, "Talk."

I lowered my gaze and looked into the contents of my teacup. "I don't think I can."

"Yes, Cami, you can and you will. No one gives Taeyong the right to treat you like that. Do you know how I felt when Lucas brought you here with your tears-streamed face?"

"I won't force you to tell me what happened if you really not want to. But if you do I will do anything in my power to help you."

"Please let me help you"

"But..." My eyes flickered as I hesitated, debating internally whether to talk or not.

"Pretty please? With twenty cherries on top?"

"Oh, fine! Now stop looking at me like that!" I pouted in defeat.

Ten triumphantly smiled to himself, sitting back in front of me on the bed.

I sighed. "Where do I start?"

"You decide."

I hugged my knees to my chest, feeling rather exposed all of a sudden.

"I don't know how to start though..."

"Hmm... take a deep breath and then say the first thing that comes to your mind," he suggested.

I thought about it. And I did what he said. I took a deep breath and said, "I found out about his marriage to Nalin."

It took a few seconds for him to register that before his smile faded and his eyes became huge.

"He did what?!"

"Why are you looking at me like that? You guys should know."

"No, I don't... I... I can't believe it!"

I swallowed, licking my chapped lips to get some moisture into them before hugging my knees more tightly.

"I don't know what to say..."

"Me neither..."

The silence that followed hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shattered on the ground. It was like a gaping void, needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything, before it could seep into my every pore, as if it's a poison slowly paralyzing me from inside. Like a radioactive cloud that at any moment could choke the life from me. For in that void of sound the depth of my thoughts was laid bare.

"If you don't mind me asking," I was all the more relieved when Ten's voice cut through the silence, cutting it in half, "what was his reaction when he realized you found out?"

At once I pursed my lips, forcing the incoming tears back.

"If you're not comfortable, then it's alright, I don't want to push you."

"No, it's alright," I hastily answered, "I just got very angry with him, and he got angry too, and..."

"What did he do?" Ten seemed to grow serious.

All of a sudden he had some kind of over-protective aura around him, similar to the kind of protectiveness Jungwoo sometimes had.

"I found a letter that was addressed to me but I was never supposed to read it and... now I realize that I've been so stupid all this time," I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat and smiling bitterly.

"He lied about everything, as if he'd been toying with me right from the start. I've wasted my time holding on my past, and now I just wish I had ended it when I had the opportunity instead of feeling this kind of betrayal..."

Without realizing, Ten's hand was on my cheek, forcing me to look at him as his thumb brushed off several stray tears from my face. Instinctively, I locked my eyes to the side, averting my gaze.

"What do you mean you wish you 'had ended it when you had the opportunity'?"

Oh great, he just had to pick on the detail I had wanted to hide. "...It's nothing."

"It's something important, isn't it?"

I bit my bottom lip, holding back the next round of waterworks to go.

"What exactly did you do?" His voice had risen a tad sharper, making me shrink back slightly.

"It's really nothing."

"If it's nothing you wouldn't be crying now."

"Let it go, Ten. It's really nothing,"

"I won't," he answered stubbornly.

"I'm not saying anything."

"If you're worried about me telling Taeyong, don't worry, I won't say a single word to him."

I hesitated for a moment. It couldn't hurt to tell Ten, could it? And in any case the stubborn man wasn't going to let it go anytime soon, so there was no point in fighting him.

"Then," I started, "if I tell you, will you give me the money I need and let me go back to my home?"

"What about Nakamoto?"

"Tomorrow will be my last meeting with him."

That seemed to stump him for a bit, but his eyes remained fiercely determined. "Okay. No problem."

"Promise?"

"Swear."

I took a deep, shaky breath and closed my eyes. "I've been asked many times by various people why I left two years ago... the truth is I never wanted to leave in the first place."

Ten tilted his head to the side and I could literally see the question marks in his head.

"There were only two options to chose from and I just decided to pick the one that caused less harm."

"Leaving him wasn't easy. I knew he wouldn't let me go that easily. I had to go below the belt and that's why I accused him of terrible things. It was cruel, unfair and too personal. I knew exactly what to say to hurt him, and so I did. I was disgusted by my own behavior, but it had to be done. I knew it'd be painful in the beginning but eventually, he'd forget about me and live his life happily."

"I assumed that by doing what I did, I could prevent the worst from happening. But all that didn't matter anyway."

"Because?" he arched his eyebrow, prompting me to finish.

"My plan was not only to leave you all, my plan was... to end my life."

I exhaled slowly.

"I had this feeling that this life wasn't mine. That I had no control. That everyone around me is living  and I'm just breathing. Suffering in silence. Watching. Waiting. But for what?" 

I stopped myself and swallowed.

"I prepared everything beforehand. I even wrote farewell letters: One for you all. One for my brother. And one for..."

I couldn't bring myself to say Taeyong's name without crying again, but Ten understood.

"I wanted to do it so badly. I knew all the pain would be gone the moment I pulled the trigger. But when the time came... I just... couldn't do it." My voice broke slightly when a thousand thoughts stormed in my mind.

Irony much?

You're a fucking killer
yet you couldn't kill the person
who deserves death the most.

You are too weak.

"Eventually, I convinced myself there was a purpose to keep going. I started to accept how things were and learned to deal with them, I read many books, I continued my education, I met new people, discovered new places, tried to enjoy bits and pieces that are worth living for."

"Until today. Reading Taeyong's letter and discovering that everything I did was for nothing, brought those thoughts back for a moment, that's why I said what I said before."

The quietness in the room was getting to me while I waited for Ten to absorb that piece of information. I wiped my tears away in the meantime and stared at the bed, feeling a little apprehensive of Ten's reaction.

"I'm... sorry..." He said unexpectedly, turning towards me with a look of pure agony and sadness in his eyes. I searched them, looking for the pity that everyone would feel for me, but there was none. Only genuine sadness filled those familiar orbs of his.

"I'm sorry..." he repeated, looking down and grabbing hold of my hands, squeezing them tightly, perhaps in an act of assurance or out of fear of never being able to see me again.

"Don't be," I forced a smile, "I'm fine now."

To that, he looked up and smiled a smile of his own to me, but I recognized that smile. It was the same smile I had on in front of everyone else, masking the lifelessness beneath. He understood.

"You're one amazing woman, Carmen."

I uneasily shifted my gaze and fiddled with my hands around my knees but stopped once his hand set itself on mine again, caused me to look up at him.

"Know that I am always going to be there for you. You are my favorite after all, have you forgotten?" With both arms, he wrapped himself around my shoulders as he pulled me into a warm hug.

"Don't worry, Ten, I will not harm myself, I'm over it," I reassured him.

"I know," he said. In that moment the arms squeezed a fraction tighter and I breathed more slowly. I let my body sag, my muscles become loose. He gave me the respect of an equal but cradled me like a cherished child. In that embrace, I felt my worries slowly loose their keen sting and my optimism raise its head from the dirt.

"No matter what you do, I'm with you," he expressed with conviction in his voice.

Neither of us said anything for a long time. The pleasant calm merged with the particles in the air and brought my soul into sweet surrender. Like the forest right after the dawn light kissing the colors into being. Like the sea vanishing in the rhythmic percussion of waves on sand. Vibrant yet relaxed.

When I broke away from the embrace, I noticed how he opened his mouth but quickly closed it again, seeming to debate with himself whether to say something.

"About Taeyong..." I frowned upon mention of the man.

"What about him?"

"How should I put this... he, um... he has his reasons for his actions."

I rolled my eyes internally, incredibly dubious of what he said. What kind of reasons could Taeyong possibly have that did not include excuses?

"He kept acting cold and emotionless towards you, right? He has his own reason for that. And there are many other things linked to this; it's a whole web of problems of his and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg—the part about him trying to push you away," Ten continued.

I pondered for a moment, trying to make sense of the things he was saying to me. To me it seemed like a puzzle, and for now, I'd only gotten one of the pieces to Taeyong's thoughts.

Then realization slapped me in the face. "Ten, do you know something that I should know?"

He scratched his head a little sheepishly. "Yes, but—"

"Tell me!" My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as I clutched the front of his clothes.

Quickly, he clamped his hand over my mouth and looked to the door, afraid that we'd created too much noise. "Hush, you're going to wake up Mark," he chided, "I'm not too sure about those sleeping pills I gave him."

I smacked his hand away and nodded before continuing in a lowered voice, "What do you know?"

"I'm not in a position to say anything," shooting a mild warning glance at my protests, "because all this is very personal to Taeyong. I can't just ignore his privacy, can I?"

I sighed heavily, "Then what do I do now?"

"Stay here for just a little bit more. Taeyong needs you. Believe it or not, he really does."

And then without another word, he got up and walked off quite briskly, closing the door behind him, feigning ignorance to my protests.

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

A/N:

Suicide is tragic, traumatic and painful.
If you are having suicidal thoughts please seek out the help of a loved one, a mental health professional, a teacher, or any trusted adult. Life can be hard and confusing, sometimes you just need a little help. Everybody is worthwhile and yes, your life is important. Get help now, right now, even if you have to wake someone up.

With love, Lyra