▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

C H A P T E R    T H I R T Y - E I G H T
➌➑

»It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.«
– Finnick Odair, The Hunger Games

This chapter is dedicated to the lovely  -ceIestiaIjimin for submitting this quote.

────────⊲❈⊳────────

Even if a small part of me had assumed that he would lead me into his bedroom – the all too familiar bedroom with bloodred walls and black satin sheets – this tiny little part of me was now slightly bit disappointed.

And if I believed that we would have gone to his office instead, that was just as wrong. Because we were in the waiting area right in front of the door of his office, which was ajar because Taeyong kept going in to fetch some documents and materials.

Except for the couch and the small table in front of it, there was nothing else in the waiting area. That's why I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let us work comfortably in his office where the heating was on and it wasn't as freezing as here in the hallway. But the gentleman next to me had other plans. He even took his jacket and my bag and moved them to his office so we would have more space on the couch.

"Can I ask what you're doing?" Putting a pen on the small table in front of me, he finally sat down next to me.

"Listen to the audio, take notes, and find out the password?" I said adjusting the retro cassette player. It was self-explanatory what I was doing.

"I'll just let you do whatever," Taeyong muttered under his breath and leaned back on the couch, clearly sitting way too close to me. Though, there was not much to complain about; The aroma of his subtle cologne was as comforting as the blackest of warm summer nights, the smallest hint of it and I was transported to a field of daydreams.

Concentrate!

On an impulse and without further notice, I pressed the button   ▶ ᴘʟᴀʏ.

𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥.

Although this time I had prepared myself mentally to hear my mother's voice, it still stung my heart when her voice sounded so real. I took the pen in my hand and started to write down her words. The audio started just like the one from the meeting before, as if it was a countdown of seconds.

𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵.

I was wondering what she was talking about and whether or not this audio was something she had planned herself or if other's had cut those pieces together after her passing. I gulped. Thinking about her last days was painful and I tried my best to only concentrate on the words on not on her.

𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦.

Something in me seemed to have an inkling of who she meant when she talked about Him. She seemed to be telling a story, something that had happened to her on a particular day.

𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.

I didn't notice how I blocked out everything else around me and devoted myself solely to her voice.

𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦.

My heart twisted and sunk with nerves as I slowly realized the broken emphasis in my mother's voice. Words I had known long before the cassette played it. Words I had waited for with anxiety and worry, knowing, somehow, what they might refer to.

𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴, 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘣𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱, 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦, 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯.

Suddenly I felt something warm on my hand and when I looked up he was already looking at me, keeping his hand over mine, furrowing his brows ever so slightly. Until then I didn't realize my hands being shaky which had turned my handwriting rather messy.

"I think I might be dehydrated," I used as an excuse, lowering my gaze, not to make him think that my shaky hands were because of my mother's voice and my emotional stance.

I wasn't sure whether he believed me or not, but oddly enough, he gave my hand a light squeeze before he got up from his seat, saying, "I'll get us some water."

And once again I became aware of the bare reality: He was so damn attractive, but it wasn't just his looks. He was attractive from the depth of his eyes to the gentle expressions of his voice. He was attractive from his generous opinions to the touch of his hand upon my own. And there was nothing I could do about the magnetic energy that emanated from him.

I just nodded as a response, not daring to look up to him and trying to concentrate back on the audio. And at that moment when his footsteps became ever quieter, I felt my body exhaling the breath I was holding in my lungs.

𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴, 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦.

I caught my breath, not because Taeyong had returned, but because I had heard those words. The echo got louder and louder in my head. If I got it right, then for her, good days were the days when she could paraphrase the bad thing that had happened into her childhood memories – and I assumed this bad thing must've been the experiences she had with Him.

𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

Taeyong returned with two water bottles and some snacks in his hands, right when I was finished listening to both audios and writing down the last few words. He placed the items wordless in front of me and took his seat next to me, grabbing one of the water bottles and looking over the first paper.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod approvingly at the paper as he slowly opened the lid of the bottle. I suppressed the urge to bite my lip as he tilted his head back and took a big gulp of his water, his Adam's apple moving up and down, his jaw looking sharper than ever.

Forcing myself to look away, my eyes landed on the water bottle in front of me. I couldn't get rid of the thought that it looked like it had already been opened.

What if he did open it to mix some
colorless odorless substance
with your drinking water?

Shut up, he wouldn't poison me.

Wouldn't he?

Taeyong suddenly chuckled to himself but it sounded rather bitter, so I gave him a quick questioning look which he returned with, "I'm willing to trust someone who doesn't even trust me with a simple bottle of water."

"It's not–" I started, slight panic in my eyes as I felt caught out. I was sure I didn't say out my thoughts, and I was also sure that he couldn't read minds, like what the fuck, how did he know?

"Here, have mine then," He swapped our water bottles without waiting for my reaction. Then pointing to the papers, he asked, "Is that the full audio?"

I nodded my head, not breaking my gaze from his water bottle that was now in front of me. Convinced that the water wasn't poisoned (after all, he had drunk it himself) and actually staring to feel how thirsty I was, I wanted to reach for the bottle, and yet I couldn't. My mind wouldn't let me drink the water he brought.

"...I just wish for the butterflies to take me..." Taeyong read out loud, interrupting my thoughts, "What could it mean?" From his voice I could tell that he had asked the question to no one in particular, thus wasn't really expecting an answer from me; he seemed to be thinking for himself.

"Death," I said plainly, my mouth dry as dust. His head turned to me as if he hadn't expected it at all.

"You mean the metaphorical death perceived as a possibility for change and renewal, right?" From the warm tones of his cologne to those of his voice and well-chosen words – he was so easy to fall in love with.

"No, that's not what I meant," I corrected, noticing the way he looked at my side profile, "I mean death as in dead and gone forever."

"Carmen," Upon hearing his voice, I shifted in my seat so that my upper body was directed towards him, "You know," I could tell for sure I wasn't prepared to see the heaven-spun autumnal expression in his usually cold face.

His voice trailed off when my gaze met his and I couldn't quite describe what I saw in them. Some gazes were the promise of protection, his was all that and more.

"What?" I asked.

"Nevermind," he said quickly, his gaze stern returning immediately, expression hard. As if the mask he put on every day had slipped off only for a brief moment and was now back with all its force. "So, did you figure out the passwords yet?"

"What about the last cassette?"

"The voice recording couldn't be decoded yet, it will be ready by tomorrow at the earliest," He informed me, "What are the passwords for these two?" He nodded his head towards the papers on the table.

"You haven't figured it out yet?"

"Funny," He commented drily, "Now tell what it is."

"Hmm..." I made a playful thinking face. I kind of felt a bit triumphant since for the first time in my life I was a big step ahead of Taeyong by knowing something he didn't. Was it so reprehensible that I wanted the moment to last a little longer?

"Just tell me already, Carmen," He sighed giving in.

"You know," I started, still not wanting to make it that easy for him, "we're currently not on the best terms but I kinda expected more of you." I crossed my arms over my chest, the teasing smile never leaving my lips. "I thought I told you the story of the day Jungwoo and I were born."

"Yeah," he responded, his voice was slightly annoyed now, "There were complications during the birth, but thanks to the oh so wonderful nurse, the lives of the super-twins and their mother could be saved."

"And...?"

"And the nurse's name was Carmen, so your parents passed her name to you, forever honoring the savior of the family," He said monotonously and without interest as if he was a child being forced to present a boring poem in front of the class. "Seriously though, what does it have to do with our case? The password is certainly not Carmen if you're implying on that. We already tried it. Not working."

I didn't know what bothered me more: that he seemed annoyed when he reported the events from the hospital or that he had already tried my name as a password to hack the system.

"You'd be the worst Sherlock ever," I muttered under my breath.

He looked at me impatiently, waiting for me to continue.

"Taeyong," I put emphasis on this name, "sometimes I think you're the most intelligent person on earth, but other times..."

"Carmen," He warned but it wasn't a warning per se. He had said it half-heartedly, kind of perfunctorily as if he didn't mean it but had to say for the sake of his intimidating duty as the head of the mafia.

"Anyway, when my mother was pregnant, my father did his investments in his hotel projects, so that our family business was born right before Jungwoo and me."

"So?"

"What is our official family business?" I looked at him, waiting for him to answer, but he looked too annoyed and too bored to care. He didn't even bother to answer me, so I did that part for him, getting kind of annoyed myself, as well, at his lack of cooperation.

"The world-renowned Rose Garden Hotels. That's correct. Gold star for your perfect explanation and ten points to Gryffindor for your amazing details." The last part slipped out of my tongue before I could prevent it. Once again, my mouth had acted faster than my brain could think.

Nobody else could have noticed, but I caught Taeyong's eyes widening for a millisecond. I must have looked the same.

Apparently, I could blame evolutionary biology for my painful nostalgia. I wished I could put them in the garbage can where they belonged and forget. Or better yet bury them deep underground. I was told that our brains were hardwired from caveman times to remember the bad stuff more to learn from our mistakes and help keep us alive. Which was ironic really, now what I needed was the good stuff, the fun stuff, the uplifting and hopeful; and not the stuff that made me regret every life decision I did ever since I was born; especially not in front of the man of my nightmares and daydreams.

But what I had expected even less than my faux pas were his subsequent words, "What makes you think I'm a Gryffindor?"

This time I made sure my mouth stayed closed and hoped for my sinful thoughts to follow when the voice in my head answered him; or rather repeated his old self's words.

Let me correct that, I always got that Slytherin vibe of you anyway.

"Anyway," I cleared my throat, ignoring the faint burn in my heart, "The Rose Garden Hotels," I concluded, ending my so-called mini-presentation.

Taeyong looked at me unimpressed, one eyebrow raised, inspecting me intently, "Is that the password?"

"Yes."

It was as if he closed his eyes in slow motion, a deep sigh inside of him. The sigh that came was a signal, not of his anticipation leaving but of the level his tension had reached. "Thank you for wasting my time," He said putting his hands on the couch and getting up from his seat, "And here I thought you–"

"Listen, Taeyong, I'm serious." I told him quickly, pulling him back on the couch by his sleeve, "Jungwoo and I were actually supposed to be named Jeongwon and Jangmi before the... complications."

His expression changed when I looked at him seriously and he gave me a piercing look, sitting back on the couch, listening closely, trying to combine the puzzle.

"Jangmi as in..."

"Rose," he completed in a breath with realization in his eyes. His mouth was slightly opened, his lips barely touching, he seemed to be deep in thoughts, "And Jeongwon as in Garden."

I nodded, the hint of a satisfied smile around my lips.

"But no," He turned his head to me quickly, "This can't be it. It's too easy."

I raised my brow at his last statement. Really? Was it that easy?

"My hopes, my cherries, my rose garden dreams." I quoted from the first recording, but the man in front of me was shaking his head no. So I took the paper in front of me in my hand to read out loud the text from the second voice recording.

"No one can make me endure the pain except my rose garden dreams that I never want to lose again." I looked up to see Taeyong making his thinking face. "It's not the hotel she talks about, it's not money and wealth, it's Jungwoo and me."

"If these were the passwords, my people would've hacked the system by now. It's just too easy and predictable. Come on, there is literally no way that we wouldn't solve Jangmi."

"Maybe your algorithm doesn't work on that system? Maybe you can only type in the password manually if you know the password for sure?" I reasoned.

"It's a nice coincidence, really, but my instinct tells me otherwise."

I sighed for the thousandth time, disappointed at how little Taeyong seemed to trust me. I couldn't blame him though, maybe I would react the same if I was in his shoes, considering our past. But I was still negatively surprised that he literally showed zero initiative. He didn't help me a bit, but rather contradicted me instead of trying to give my theory the littlest spark of faith and building on that theory to think for himself. But no, doubting Carmen's words was so much easier.

So I took the pen that was lying between us on the couch and went through the written text of the two audios. I marked the first letter of each sentence and when I was finished I wordlessly placed the paper on Taeyong's lap.

"What the-..." With big eyes, he looked from the paper to me and back again.

JUST TWO SECONDS AWAY.
A QUICK GLAZE TO THE SIDE AND BELIEVE ME, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE.
NOTHING CAN DESCRIBE THE FEELING OF INNER VOID WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU'RE LEFT ALONE WITH YOUR BLACK BEACHES.
GIVING YOUR BEST TO TURN BACK TIME AND JUST TAKE WHAT'S YOURS AND LEAVE, BEFORE HE DOES IT FOR YOU.
MY HOPES, MY CHERRIES, MY ROSE GARDEN DREAMS.
IT'S ALL GONE NOW, AND NOTHING CAN BRING THEM BACK TO ME WHEN I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE JUST GIVE THEM BACK TO ME.

JUST ONE SECOND.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO FAST IN JUST THAT SHORT MOMENT.
ON MY WAY BACK TO HIM, ALL OF THE EVENTS OF THAT DAY SEEMED TO JUST RUSH BACK AT ME.
NOTHING COMES CLOSE TO THE TOUCH OF THAT PARTICULAR FEELING.
GOING DOWN WITH ME, FALLING WITH ME, GRIEVING WITH ME.
WAVES KEEP PUSHING YOU, PUSHING YOU AND PUSHING YOU BACKWARDS, STEP BY STEP, WAVE AFTER WAVE, UNTIL FINALLY THERE'S THAT ONE BIG WAVE THAT'S SO BIG IT CRASHES OVER YOU AND KNOCKS YOU DOWN.
ON MY GOOD DAYS, THAT'S HOW IT FEELS LIKE AND IT'S SOMEHOW BEARABLE, BECAUSE HE REMINDS ME OF MY CHILDHOOD BEACH MEMORIES, BUT ON MY BAD DAYS, WELL THEN THE BLACKNESS IS BACK AND I JUST WISH FOR THE BUTTERFLIES TO TAKE ME.
NO ONE CAN MAKE ME ENDURE THE PAIN EXCEPT MY ROSE GARDEN DREAMS THAT I NEVER WANT TO LOSE AGAIN.

I crossed my arms over my chest, "What does your instinct say to this?"

"There is no way..."

"Just try it," I interrupted him softly, "I bet my firstborn that these are the right passwords." I meant my words. That's how sure I was.

He looked at me, trying to suppress a smirk at that.

His mask is falling more and more.

"Please," I added softly, tilting my head ever so slightly.

"Fine," He gave in. "It's worth a try even if it's not going to work."

"Yes, just try it." The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced to have found the right passwords.

He took the papers with my notes in his hand and got up from the couch, "I'll go check this with the database real quick."

"Okay," I gave him a pleased nod as he started to walk away.

"Also..." I didn't miss how his posture tensed as he turned back to me, he seemed to be struggling hard with himself as to whether he should say it or not. He acted the same as before; very strange.

"Yes?" I looked at him, patiently waiting for him to continue. However, whatever important thing he wanted to say went under when his cell phone rang loudly. I groaned inwardly because I really wanted to know what could be so important that Taeyong had such an unusual reaction.

"Yes, on my way." Taeyong quickly ended the phone call and looked back to me, he seemed rather rushed. "Wait here. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay."

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

A/N
To those of you who wonder when the next update will come, I always keep my page updated on how far I am with the next chapters 🥰

Also, I'd appreciate it if you followed my backup account firelordlyra
The Wattpad data leak in summer scared me a little bit, especially when I couldn't log in to my main account for three days (still no idea what happened). And if one day I get hacked somehow, I'll make sure to reach out to you through my backup account.

QUESTION: How comfortable do you feel about reading explicit scenes that go in the direction of smut but are not quite yet hardcore stuff you find on tumblr and other sites? Asking for a friend lol 😜

xx, Lyra <3