"Titans are coming in!"

     Even as the world around her dissolved into a pit of screaming livestock and burning walls, Yiran was unable to move from where she stood, her entire body locked up with the indescribable feeling of her heart caving in on itself in the face of what must have been the world's end. There was a distinctive smell of fire and smoke, and something like the putrid odour of death and rot filled up her lungs, clouded her mind until she could see nothing but the face of that Red Demon as it bore down on her with its unseeing gaze. As if she'd been thrown out of her own body, she saw eons fly by in seconds as time turned into bloodied sand; the countless bodies that fell under stray boulders all turned to face her, their eyes filled up with the same fear that crippled her before they were crushed with a disturbing splatter that spun whirlwinds in her stomach and all through her being, sent chilling waves up her spine and tumbled up her throat until it all gathered up into a lone, helpless cry.

     Time returned to her, fast and powerful, slammed into her with shattering force as desperate hands shoved her body backwards and, oh, she was falling now — a scream tore from her lips as she was swept beneath trampling feet and the only thing registering in her mind was an undiluted kind of pain, pure in the way that it crushed her right hand and twisted her gut so that she couldn't hold back a searing, terrified scream. Blood flowed quickly from a wound on her head and blinded her vision, her throat felt as if something had torn through the flesh there with a hot knife, ripping the skin and muscles apart with such brute force and carelessness that it left her seeing flashes of white. It hurt, everything hurt so terribly, jumbled together in an incomprehensible mess of pain and agony and by the Mother, was she going to die here? Would her body be trampled under all these people before she could make something of her short life? Broken sobs pushed past her lips and blended into her cries of ache until it all became a cacophony of grief and horror, flowed from her body so that the Stranger of Death would hear her voice and take mercy. Why, dear Stranger, did you pull us from the lion's den only to cast us back to the Executioner? Why let us dare to dream if this is what awaited us here? Or perhaps, she pondered through her pain filled daze, was this punishment for defying customs? For going against the scriptures of her people? Was this what happened to bad people who disobeyed in the sight of the Seven? A crippling hopelessness turned the torment strumming under her skin into a mellowed hum, drowned it out with a feeling of loss and regret that had come over her so suddenly that it gave her whiplash. Had she not dreamed of something more, would she still be safe by the village lake? Surely the Seven-faced God would protect his faithful servants, guide them to a place where the devil couldn't find them. Ah, somewhere in her deluded state, she chuckled, broken and despairing in the sound she let escape. They should never have left home. She should have bit into leather and told her mother that she was fine being sold off into marriage — Heavens, if she could have ever predicted what awaited them after running away, she would have gone into her marriage with her hands and legs bound and would give a son in a heartbeat.

     A snide, reproachful voice called out to her amidst the cries of the dying: your mother and sister will die because of your weakness and inability to push through.

     And yet, even as her body curled in on itself beneath the reproachful eyes of the Seven Gods, something within Yiran just wasn't ready to give away her hope. Red filled her sight, covered everything like a blanket as she pushed against the ground, fought back another scream as her right hand flared up in agony. She had to get up; there was no way everything could end like this. A sinner, she might have been by the Seven, but there was still so much she needed to do... she still had to get back home and give Meixiang the necklace she bought with Tao's gifted coins: she still had to wash her favourite grey blanket before she dug it up from the pile: she still needed to make it to the inner walls and start something of a new life: she still needed to get home to them and make sure they were alright—

     Everything dulled down into a single thought that shouted against the muted screams and cries around her, drowned out the noises of fire and footsteps and sent a single bolt of urgency through her wounded body. Home, she had to get home.

     Fighting against the blinding aches and excruciating agony that rumbled throughout her bones and made her half-blind, Yiran pushed herself up using her left hand until she could stand on shaking feet, her gate unbalanced and wobbly as she forced one leg in front of the other. The single word flashed again in her mind, pushed desperately through her red vision until it was all she could think of, took her mind away from the death and smoke around her and gathered it all into a lonely prayer. Home, it shoved her past the screaming woman who knelt before a boulder, what remained of her child painting the grey stone in red; home dragged her past the throngs of bodies desperate to get away from the gaping hole in the wall. Tao was still home with Meixiang, was the house still standing? Had they escaped by now? They had to be alright, they had to be safe, they just had to be. Her limping body pushed itself faster despite the blood in her eyes and the white-hot pain that threatened to turn her inside out; her home had to be in one piece.

     Please, hear this sinner's prayer one more time... please let my family make it out of this alive.

     "Yiran!"

     It was Tao. Her voice sent a wave of relief crashing down on her aching body, her lips quivering with a fresh set of cries as she could just barely make out the woman's silhouette through the curtain of red that covered her eyes. The woman's hair had fallen out of its neat ponytail, still dressed in her work clothes as she cradled Meixiang's body on her way down the hill. They didn't seem to be injured from what Yiran could see, the reason for her little sister's crying must have been sake of the fear and confusion she felt. A misplaced chuckle bubbled around the confines of her neck, Yiran herself felt like crying with her. "Mama," she wheezed against the pain in her chest, the sound dragging little blades across her flesh on its way out. Thank Heavens, she briefly glanced up to the evening sky in a show of reverence and gratefulness; they were safe. An anxious smile set on her lips as she stood hunched over, black hair sticking uncomfortably to her face and blood staining her tongue with its metallic taste. She must look like absolute hell, she belatedly considered, but she could fret over her injuries when they were safely behind the inner gate. They just had to hurry before anything could catch them; the house was considerably far from the second gate, but if they ran fast enough, they could make it. She just needed to bear the pain for a little longer and then they could have that nice Doctor Jaeger patch up her injuries. She assured herself that everything would be fine, everything will be all right. The Seven haven't abandoned them yet, surely. Her and Tao and Meixiang, the three of them will make it out alive.

     The loud, rumbling noises came down on her like a hammer, destroyed her prayers with cold, merciless laughter.

     She watched, horrified as Tao's head swung to look behind her at the disturbingly human-like face of a Titan, saw the beast lock its eyes down on the woman and her baby as it made big, lumbering steps in their direction. The drunken words of Garrison soldiers couldn't do the monster's appearance any justice, didn't even begin to compare to the abominable fear that the sight of one inspired. What she saw was not the bumbling gremlin that clawed mindlessly at Wall Maria with beady eyes and a stupid grin. Here was the Devil come up from the Seventh Hell, the gateway to eternal damnation a gaping pit behind its hanging jaws and eyes filled with promises of loss and hurt, deeper than any pain Yiran could ever imagine in her short life. This was not a harmless beast that wandered across the Great Grass Plains, but a servant of The Stranger who walked with the Grim Reaper in its shadow and the Scythe hanging from its drooling tongue. Here, she realized with the harsh flavours of misery and defeat in her mouth, she could very well be swallowed by the Archangel of Darkness, swept up behind those heavy gates and banished to a place far away where she would never dare to dream of daylight and happiness. Standing before her with its mouth hanging open was the End of the World.

     Like a cruel joke, sneering in familiar tones and childish laughter, Yiran heard Meixiang's joyful cries from earlier that day dissolve into a shriek so filled with unsullied fear that it gripped her bruising body and twisted her until she could no longer recognize anything beyond viscous, barbaric agony.

     "Giant! Giant!"

     "Run..." the word was hushed, compressed by the mountain of pain that sat on her chest as tears sprung into her eyes and mixed with the blood there. Desperately, she took a deep breath, screamed at the top of her lungs so that it echoed across the abandoned houses, over the pounding of the Titan's feet and the scattered cries of the dying.

     "Run!"

     Tao clutched Meixiang's body closer to her as she stumbled down the steeping slope with gasping, shaking breaths that fought their way down her throat. Her heart lodged itself somewhere there and made it hard for air to pass through, but she couldn't allow herself to worry too much on her inability to swallow air because the Titan was right there behind her, drawing closer with each second that passed by her like molten sugar. Oh, Seven Heavens, its footsteps were so loud, they shook the very earth, rang louder than the screams of the forsaken and shook her down to her very core, but Yiran was just up ahead, bloodied and broken and crying for her to run faster; run, run— "Come on, mama please hurry, run—" Gods, she realized with a sinking fear, her tongue turned heavy with the feeling and eyes burned with hopeless tears; she wouldn't make it in time. Her heart locked itself up and wouldn't move even to the sound of death's drums, and she knew there was no way that she could make it to her older daughter's side in time before the Titan caught her. We're going to die, the single thought was so loud, overpowered her senses and threw her off balance, sent her tumbling to the ground as the world itself spun on its side like a broken tap toy.

     "Mama!"

     Yiran was running before she could think, her lone good hand reaching for her mother and sister as their bodies rolled down the slope in pathetic heaps. Gods, please get up, please, please move or else we're going to die— The giant's haunting face loomed over the three of them just as she reached her crying sister, its gaping mouth dripping with something wet and slimy that fell down on top of her head and mixed with her blood. Its breath stunk so much of flesh and death like a slaughterhouse that Yiran was choking on the putrid smell, her body trembling with nausea and sickness as she held Meixiang to her chest, reached for her mother's outstretched hand with her aching right limb. Just get back on your feet and we can run away, the promise didn't make it past her lips as her eyes finally met her mother's, and in those few seconds, time took a breath, slowed the flow of life around them and turned it all into thick, dark molasses. Panic and terror made endless pools of obsidian eyes as Tao's lips hung with a broken plea. Reality blurred into years of laughter and tears, smiles shared in red dresses and pain filled harmonies sung at the witching hours of the night; as she pushed her daughter's outstretched hand away in a desperate last attempt, as the large, bruising grip of the Devil's Angel wrapped around her body, Li Tao smiled through her final prayer.

     "Run..."

     Yiran's mouth hung open in an unheeded scream, her voice breaking around the hurting flesh as she watched her mother's body get swept up in the giant's hands, her lips wearing the very same smile, familiar and warm, now filled with her last wish for her daughters to escape as tears rolled down her young face. Without thinking, her right hand moved to shove Meixiang's face into her chest, to turn her away from the sight even as the girl struggled and fussed, shrieking for "Mama, mama, let mama go—" Even as she held her little sister close, Yiran couldn't bring herself to look away from Tao's eyes, kept crying out for the woman to jump, to kick, to do something as the beast brought her head between its gaping jaw. "Mama!!" The anguished cry drowned under the noise of bones crushing, blood bursting like a sick parody of a plastic bag filled with water; Tao's head was squeezed between rows of large teeth, her smile turning into the horrifying picture of flesh and muscles spilling into an open mouth.

     A sharp ringing sound filled her head over Meixiang's crying, over the disgusting sounds of her mother's body being devoured as she watched the Titan pick apart her arms, her legs, dug its fingers into her torso to slurp out her insides. "Run..." was Tao's last word. It pushed through the ringing in Yiran's mind in something of a hushed urge that had her turning her back on the grotesque scenery and back down the rest of the mountain, through the now deserted marketplace, past the overturned jewellery stand and past the countless bodies crushed under pieces of the Wall. Run, it pushed her past the crowd of restless people gathered around the Inner Gate, drove her into carelessly shoving her way past their tightly pressed bodies while still shielding Meixiang to her chest. Run, it echoed still in her mind as she pushed herself into the body of a Garrison soldier, a blond man who rounded on her sharply before reeling at the sight of her, bleeding and broken with a young baby in her arms. He must have felt bad, taken pity on the pair of them, because he didn't say a word as he guided them through the next crowd of panicking civilians who waited to get on the boat. He lead them all the way to the front line of the crowd and muttered something to the guards there before they ushered her across the wooden platform and into the pool of despairing men, women and children gathered together like sardines.

     Run, the word dulled under Meixiang's wails, the girl clutching on tightly to Yiran's shirt as she sat with her back pressed against wood, her cries ringing so loudly with the pain of loss and agony, as if somehow she knew that their mother would never be coming back to them, as if the very ache that Yiran felt had pushed through into the little girl's soul and twisted its rusting blade in her little chest. Helplessly, Yiran buried her face into Meixiang's body, their voices rose together to join the chorus of broken souls and wailing melodies as the image of Tao's body being torn apart and mangled replayed in her mind; the sound of her blood dripping down steaming flesh and splattering unto the concrete below like a wicked soundtrack that would haunt her throughout the day and chase sleep away at night.

     Run...

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     The world waited for no one, wouldn't stop for those who suffered, wouldn't bat an eye at the ones who ached and bled on her soil. Yiran had always known that simple law, had learned it as early as she'd learned how to walk — "She never stops, she'll move away from you and leave you stranded in cold lands" — and yet as she was faced with the reality here, alone in a sea of broken souls and withering bodies, she wished within her heart that the cruel world would look back and hurt for her frosting spirit, that the Gods in their golden thrones would take pity on her for once and grant her mercy from hellish ice fields.

     The cold air of the Utopia district bit through her bare skin, turned pale cheeks into wilting blue flowers as she sat curled against a far corner of the refugee house. Atop her pitiful bundle of hay, Yiran worried her bottom lip between her teeth as she wrapped Meixiang's body with the one blanket they were given to share, violently shivering as she went without the minimal heat it brought and instead focused on pressing her younger sister's sleeping form closer to her chest to keep her smaller body warm. Her breaths left chapped lips in white clouds when they fell and her teeth clattered terribly with every shudder that wrecked her form. Her stomach cramped painfully with the day's hunger and she was forced to choke down her cry, bit down on her lip with enough force to draw blood from the cracks in her skin. The bitter, metallic taste coated her tongue in little droplets that she forced herself to swallow, groaning as it burned her dry throat on its way down. This is hell, the thought swam around her mind in a daze, a faint brush of the dark fog that hung over her being and asphyxiated her with toxic metals and burning gasses. The legends of her lake village, all the songs and haunting tales had always warned that hell burned hot with green flames that melted the skin from sinners' face, tore screams from their dry throats so that they would echo above grey clouds like the rumbling of thunder. The people who wrote those songs must not have known, Yiran wondered morbidly, bitter and resentful; they must not have been felt the harsh winds that spread over this bleak wasteland, where ice cut through skin and red blood turned to blue stone.

     A week had passed since she and Meixiang were both sent to dwell in Wall Rose's northernmost district; seven and some miserable, wretched days spent in the freezing temperatures of the departing winter, with no warmth save for what little heat they could stave from the people curled up around them. Food was scarce, stretched so far and between that many refugees have passed their time with nothing but icy water to fill their stomach, a handful of crumbs from stale bread for the few that were fortunate enough. Every night, wails cut through the howling of the winds, every night, someone cried for the fear of giant demons who sought their blood; broke down into choking sobs for the mother or father, sibling or friend that was lost on the day of the attack. No one ever complained, no one would dare speak up against the ones who wept. After all, they were all suffering the same fate — they were all the unfortunate survivors, the ones who saw the faces of demons and revisited memories of fire and blood. Not one soul would dare persecute the ones who lost themselves in their time of vulnerability, not when they were all hanging on by a single, worn thread.

     Meixiang's body still trembled in her arms, her face twisting with the bad dream of Shiganshina's spring evening. That night, she'd gone without crying, though it was still a battle to put her to sleep before the midnight hour. The young thing, Yiran could imagine the kind of visions that tore through her mind, the ones that cast her atop the slopping tongues of monsters and crushed her beneath yellowing teeth; the ones where their mother vanished beneath a gaping black hole, gone to a place far away, from where she could never return. The very same dreams were the ones that kept Yiran from closing her eyes, only that instead of the black pit, she saw the Titan's wide mouth, felt shower of saliva that dripped on her skin, watched Tao's smile morph into a mess of skin, flesh and bone, blood and muscles crushed under the weight of the Devil's jaws. The same sight, over and over, playing like a broken record that pushed her to the brink of insanity, taunted her with its red flowers and laughs that sounded like crushing bones. The one that sent her heart down to her toes, back up to her throat where she could choke on her screams and drown in the blood that rained down from the sky. It left her here, eyes wide and brimming in tears as she curled into herself and held Meixiang tighter, fought back her own cries so that they wouldn't echo across cold walls.

     She wished, somewhere inside her aching heart, that she would wake up from an awful nightmare; that her eyes would open under the sun's gentle rays and she'd find herself back in Shiganshina, back inside their little bedroom and wrapped up with their thin sheets. She wished that her mother would still be there, smiling as she held Meixiang in her arms and humming one of the songs that she used to sing to Yiran when she was younger, melodies of mountain ghosts and drunken moons that they sang together in the dead of the night. She wished to feel safe again, to be ignorant and unaware of sorrow so great, so terrible like a noose around her neck that strung her from the walls and robbed her of breath. Under the covers of darkness where the moon couldn't reach her, a sob broke from her lips and echoed out inside the quiet shelter like a gunshot ricocheting from the concrete walls. She wished with her shattered soul, prayed with everything she had to offer, that this evil dream would disappear and for it to vanish to someplace far away and never return to her.

     But the Gods were merciless and uncaring, indifferent to the pains of the mortals who worshipped them; what were they to feel for the girl who cursed their names and turned to them her back? What were they to say for the sinner who abandoned the teaching of her elders and dared to aspire for a life greater than the one that was bestowed upon her?

     A bitterness, earnest and profound in its scorching flames, welled up inside her stomach like fire as she struggled to keep her cries locked behind her lips. Within that dark shelter, as the blades of the northern cold tore through her skin and rattled her bones, sank its fangs into her entire being, Yiran damned those devilish Gods with her poisoned tongue, her teeth the sharp daggers that drew black blood from their names. Her very heart sang with righteous fury and unabated anger and her spirit cried out in defiance against her judgement. What evil had she done by wishing for a better life? What sin had she and her mother committed that warranted such a damning punishment, that Tao had to die by the Stranger's scythe, that her children were to be cast aside by the world and left to rot and starve? Between crushing waves of hurt and rage, there was a feeling of loss, of a bleak despair that threatened to pull her under its current. Her eyes, glistening with tears that flowed like torrential rivers, searched around the darkness for what, she couldn't say. Perhaps a sign of something, a message, anything that would take her pains away, anything that could drag her out of this freezing pit and return her to Tao's arms. Maybe she was searching for something that would tell her what to do next, what was expected of her now that she'd been uprooted from a peaceful daydream and cast into a freezing hell.

     Her teary gaze fell down to Meixiang, her young face turning and scrunched up with tears glistening on her lashes; despite the extra care that Yiran took to wrap her up in blankets and hold her close to her body, the little girl's skin was still cold to the touch. What little food they'd managed to grab earlier that day had all gone to Meixiang, and even then, the small piece of bread wasn't enough to keep her full, could only hold off the pains of hunger for a few hours at best. They wouldn't be able to survive in conditions like this, Yiran was certain. More than fifteen refugees had already died that week from either the cold weather, the lack of proper food and water, or from stress alone; their bodies would collapse as they were moving from one place to the next while others passed away quietly, curled up against themselves or within the arms of someone who would mourn their deaths. I don't want us to be next, she bit her tongue as the thought flashed in her mind; I don't want us to die here in this place where no one will cry for us. She made up her mind on that cold night in Utopia, where the north still suffered the departing winter's winds and the land had yet to thaw from February's snow. Here in this merciless world, she would fight, would claw tooth and nail against the barricade cast against her by fate, would kick and scream and tear through flesh because they had to live. For Meixiang's sake, she swore. She would sell her soul if that was what it came down to it, wouldn't dare think twice if it meant that they could have a fighting chance in the face of hell's fire. For Meixiang, she couldn't give up here. I'll find away for us to survive. For your sake, I'll fight.

     Her promise rang against howling winds like a silent chime, vanished on its currents for the Gods to hear her vow. If they wouldn't heed her pleas, then she'd sell her soul to the Devil instead.

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tea time!

so like, literally nobody's reading this but hi! :D hopefully things will pick up soon but for now i'm publishing this chapter. i was planning until i got more reads until updating and then just keep writing chapters without uploading them until then but i really wanted to put this out, so maybe i'll wait around after i put this one up. in the meantime i'm gonna start writing my haikyuu fic and keep myself busy with the two of these fics.

honestly this chapter was a little harder for me two write, especially the last half because it was supposed to be longer, but the rest of it just felt so unnatural to put in with the rest of everything that i had to send it over to a new chapter. i had like 7 different paths to go with for after the fall of shiganshina and tao's death was written, but i decided to go with the utopia route since it was the easiest for me to write and to still have things make sense. so i just— slapped it on and ran with it? anyways, here are some more notes for anything you guys might not understand or are confused by!

1. The Seven-Faced God/The Stranger + The Mother: so throughout this fic I suddenly had the idea to borrow a few concepts from Game of Thrones and implement them in my writing, one of those concepts being the Seven-Faced God. In got, these gods are referred to "the new gods" and are mainly worshiped by the southern people. In this fic, they are the gods of the Shuiguolians. The Mother represents mercy, peace, fertility, and childbirth, and she's referenced in this fic as the aspect of the god that is supposed to protect and show forgiveness unto the faithful. The Stranger is the part of the god that respects death and the unknown. I wanted to portray him a bit like the Grim Reaper? In the sense that he comes to the door and takes you away or something like that!

2. Utopia: In canon, Utopia is the northernmost territory of Wall Rose and it's where Annie was held after she crystallized herself. It's supposed to be a reference-but-not-really-a-reference to the North in got, and I'll try and explore that more in depth as the fic goes on. The main similarity right now is that it is the coldest region on the island and supposedly doesn't see a lot of warm days. As the plot moves forward, this fact will be important in how it not only affects Yiran and Meixiang, but also the refugees and the locals who live there.

as always, if there's anything you all feel unhappy about, please be sure to let me know either by comments or direct messages! thank you if you're reading this! <3