❝ i can't do this without her. ❞

OLIVIA'S EYES FLUTTERED open, catching quick glimpses of bright artificial lights, the tile ceiling, a small mounted tv in the corner of the room. she can smell the unpleasant aroma that immediately surrounded her. she heard the sounds of distant clattering, chatter, footsteps, and beeping. she can feel her hand being clutched by someone else's, and once her eyes were able to stay open, she found spencer. he was sleeping on a chair placed next to her bed as his hand gently held olivia's.

she looked around her surroundings and realized she was a in a hospital room. and just like that, everything came back to her; her abduction, devin, blood, guns, the dark place, anna. she began to shed a few tears at the recollection of anna and the warehouse, not as intense as before, but her eyes were still turning puffy. her quiet sobs managed to wake spencer up. "hey, hey, shhh." he stood up next to her to comfort her. olivia allowed him to hold her once more, his fingers running through her hair. "anna." she mumbled.

        "i know, liv, i'm really sorry." he whispered. it took a few minutes before her sobs and breathing were slowing down.

          "what am i supposed to tell the twins? where are they?" olivia questioned. "jj and garcia are on their way here with them. i'm so sorry." he told her. olivia started to get up from the hospital bed, spencer stopping her from doing so. she muttered, "spencer, i cannot stay here."

          "no, you have to sit back down. your doctors said that you need rest." he spoke.

         suddenly, penelope walked into the room, her heels making slight clicking noises on the floor, and her colorful dress catching olivia and spencer's attention. "oh my sweet little angel, i'm so sorry. i was so worried."

"penelope, where are the twins?" she asked. "they're outside in the waiting room with jj, hotch, and rossi." penelope softly voiced. "do you want me to bring them in?" olivia nodded her head in response.

         she grasped onto spencer's hand, nerves coursing through her body. she couldn't imagine how they were going to feel and react. the two children walked into her room, jj trailing behind them. spencer's free hand was placed on liv's shoulder as he whispered to her ear, "i'm going to give you some space." to which he then kissed her temple, and went waiting outside her room with jj.

         the two agents watched, teary-eyed. they couldn't really hear much, but they assumed olivia broke the news to them since she was visibly trying to not breakdown again in front of them. the kids stayed still for a moment until rosie was the first to react. she climbed on olivia's hospital bed, weeping into her arm. oliver stood closer to olivia, clutching onto her other arm for comfort as he quietly cried. jj looked over at spencer, "it's not your fault."

         "i promised them that anna would come back." spencer softly spoke. "i broke it."

≻───── ⋆✩⋆ ─────≺

         olivia had to stay at the hospital for about a week. she was beaten up pretty badly. she had to get a few stitches, had to be watched by her nurse and doctor from time to time just in case she passed out again, and she was still having some trouble regaining her strength. during her stay at the hospital, the team would visit in their free time. it was spencer and penelope visiting her the most. the twins would stay with olivia, too, but sometimes they'd stay with jj in the after visiting hours. hotch would keep insisting that olivia takes a break from the BAU, to the point where she promised him out of annoyance from his pestering. which she did feel very guilty about because hotch has been nothing but supportive of her ever since the first day they met.

         olivia wanted to go back to work so badly because she thought it'd be her escape from reality. all her focus would be on a case, and she wouldn't be stuck with her own thoughts anymore. her mind would wander off to the painful memory of anna and what devin did to them. then, she'd start thinking of past memories, like from when the two best friends were in middle school, all the way to last month. what would've happened if this whole thing never did? that was the only question she had in her mind.

         now, olivia was finally discharged from the hospital. spencer drove her home and persisted on staying with her, just to make sure she was better. he's noticed every time someone asks her if she's doing all right, she'd just nod her head and change the subject. but the thing is, he knows she isn't fine. who could be fine in a time like this? spencer felt depressed for months when he lost maeve, and anna and maeve practically had the same cause of death. hell, he cried on jj's couch for weeks when emily died and it turns out, she was just faking her death. he knew there was no way in hell olivia was fully okay yet. he wanted her to make her feel like it's okay to talk about her feelings with someone, because it is. he wanted her to feel like she can open up to him, and the rest of the team.

"spence, i'm fine here. you can go home." she told the tall, brown haired man. "no, i wanna stay. i want to make sure you're all right." he said.

"i am." liv voiced. "and i appreciate that, but i have to pick up ollie and rosie from jj's later and i just want to have some time alone before i do that."

"and i can give you that. i'll just be in the next room." spencer sheepishly smiled.

olivia has always enjoyed spencer's company. she loves having him around, even if they're not doing anything and saying nothing to each other. but today, she wanted to break down. and not in front of spencer this time. she's been holding in everything in the hospital out of fear that she'd cause a scene or that others would think she's insane. "do you want anything? water?" olivia asked.

"no, i'm okay, thank you." he answered. he was silent for a moment before speaking up again. "um hey, i want you to know that if you ever need anything, i'm here for you. we all are." spencer slightly pressed his lips together, waiting for a response.

for many, many years, olivia has always hated when people would come up to her and told her that she can ask them for help, or to open up to them. it sounds rude and arrogant, and it makes her sound like a shitty, ungrateful person, she knows, but she just couldn't help it. maybe it stemmed from the fact she was always afraid to. she feared that if she allowed others inside, she'd get even more hurt than what she was already feeling. she was afraid that if she ever asked for help, she'd be bothering people, or they'd be disappointed in her. liv has felt like this ever since she was eight years old. twenty-two years later and it's only gotten worse. she believed that she was capable of fixing all her problems by herself. that type of mentality has never changed. it became almost like second nature to her.

olivia nodded her head at spencer, letting out a sigh she didn't know she was holding in, "yeah, thank you." she pressed her lips together, giving him a tight lipped smile. "i'm fine though, really."

         he gazed at the woman standing a few feet away from him, his eyes examining every micro expression on her face. spencer knows she's lying and he can't figure out why she won't just tell him the truth. he wants to be the person olivia can come and talk to whenever she's feeling emotional, angry, depressed, happy, excited. he hates seeing her in so much pain and he just wishes he can take that all away from her. "are you sure?"

         "yes, spencer, i'm fine. i don't know how many times i have to say it."

         he sighed a little before softly speaking to the griffins girl, "you're not fine, liv. you're obviously experiencing grief and you're still mourning over the loss of your best friend, which is absolutely understandable, it's only been a week. all the memories may probably be coming back to you and it's scary. you might now be associating different things that remind you of the initial event and it's painful for you." spencer continued, "all that i'm saying is that, what you're going through is entirely textbook."

deep down, she knows he's right. unfortunately, she's just too stubborn. olivia glared at him for a bit, her eyes turning glossy before breaking eye contact. she began to shake her head, "stop it. stop doing that. just stop. stop. . . being you for a second." she softly whispered.

"i can't help it."

"yes. yes, you can. it's like everything is just clouding over me and sometimes i feel like i can't breathe and the last thing i need is for you to profile me. please, spencer." a few tears rolled down her cheeks, but spencer could tell she was still trying to hold everything in.

"then, explain it to me." he told her. "all i know is that my girlfriend is hurting and i'm seeing her in pain. i just wanna make it stop."

she let out an exhausted chuckle, "that's the problem! i can't! i can't explain it to you if i don't know what i'm feeling. i know that i'm grieving, but it feels like so much more than that." she held her hands together, more tears threatening to spill out.

         spencer didn't say anything back, so olivia continued in a calmer voice than before, "you know, i kept thinking to myself, what would've happened if i was able to go back to that building? and the answer is: i would've died. but for some reason, that option made me feel better. i wish it was me, because it makes more sense. anna never did anything to devin, it was all me. she has kids that she was looking forward to seeing grow up, a job where she actually wasn't in danger all the time. she finally had everything going right for her."

         spencer's gaze softened, somewhat hurt by olivia's words. he couldn't believe what she was saying. "what? via, are you kidding? of course, anna didn't deserve what happened to her, but you don't deserve it either. you practically raised the twins with her." he paused for a second, licking his lips. "you know what, i'm glad that i held you back from running in that burning warehouse because ollie and rosie would've lost you too if i hadn't." he said matter-of-factly.

         he paused his statement, seeing that olivia has started crying, constantly trying to wipe her tears away. "i can't do this without her. she's been part of my life for like 20 years, i don't know how!" she her voice slightly raised.

"then let me help you! you have so many people in your life that would be more than willing to!" spencer had the same tone of voice, breaking eye contact with her for a moment, and then looking back at her. "i don't know why you can just never accept any help from anyone! you're gonna have to eventually!"

        "i at least just wanted to see her one last time." spencer quirked his eyebrows, "did you want me to let you run into a building that bursted into flames while your vision was distorted and you could barely walk? olivia." he let out a small breathy chuckle in disbelief. "you were actually going to die in there if i had let you do that. and losing you might just be the one thing that'll actually make me go insane, and i love you too much to let you go do that yourself."

         he hadn't realized what he just said until the look in olivia's eyes changed. she felt insanely terrible right after. she didn't know how to respond, but she knew that spencer doesn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve to be blamed for something that wasn't his fault at all. she felt terrible for taking out her frustration on him. especially when she now knows that he loves her. even if he did say it by accident.

         and just like that, all her emotions became conflicted with one another, giving her a wide range of emotions. the couple maintained their eye contact with each other, not even daring to move or say a word. that was until spencer stepped closer to her as olivia started weeping into her hands. he wrapped his arms around her, embracing her into a tight hug. her cries were muffled due to her hands and head resting on spencer's chest, and his chin rested upon her head. his index finger traced circles on her back, calming her down. the two stayed like that for what seemed like ages until olivia had to pick the twins up from jj's house.

         spencer stayed the night with them to not only console liv, but the twins, too. he thought it was crazy how olivia can become such a big part of his life already despite only knowing her for almost a year. he regretted blurting out that he loves her, but only because he had no way of knowing if she did back. every bit of what he said was true. his heart even still races when he sees her. and despite all the recent events, olivia's does, too.

ANGIE'S NOTES ☺︎︎
literally anna does not care at all lol
she just wished she lived long enough to
personally tell olivia she told her so about
her and spencer🙄

also this was so dramatic lmao
and i like projecting onto my ocs 😊<3