Mumbo: Why are you telling me you ripped a portal to another dimension through your washing machine? Are you on drugs?

Grian: For the record, it was a dryer.

Mumbo: ThAt'S NoT tHe PoInT

———

-When Doc and Scar were interrogating Keralis-

Scar: Where do you live?

Keralis: With my parents.

Doc: Where do your parents live?

Keralis: With me.

Scar: Where do you all live?

Keralis: Together.

Doc: Where is your house?

Keralis: Next to my neighbour's house.

Scar: Where is your neighbours house?

Keralis: If I tell you would you believe me?

Doc: Tell us.

Keralis: Next to my house.

———

Grian, at a test, not knowing the answers:

1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last one.

2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page.

3. The Ravi River flows at which state?
Liquid state.

4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage.

———

EX: You need a hobby.

Season 1, Xisuma: I have a hobby.

EX: Being sad isn't a hobby:

S1Xisuma: :(

———

Cleo: If I die, my funeral is gonna be the biggest party and you're all invited.

Stress: "If."

False: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and she might not even die.

———

Joe: You're very mature for your age.

S1X: Thanks, it's the trauma.

———

Joe: Where have you been?

S1X: Emotional Hell. How's your day going?

———

Python: DATING TIP: Hold the door open for your date. Rip the door off it's hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Jevin: I'm really beginning to see why you're still single.

———

Jevin: I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this.

Python: What do you mean?

Jevin: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you If something is going to get you in trouble?

10 other hermits, somehow hearing this question: no?

Jevin: that actually explain so much.

———

Biffa: What doesn't kill me better start running.

———

Mumbo: You know those moments that I tell you something isn't a good idea-

Grian: -and than I ignore you, yeah.

———

Scar: I'm a miserable failure.

S1X: Yes, you are.

Scar: I've failed my mission.

S1X: Yes, you did.

Scar: I could use a hug?

S1X: I guess you could.

———

Doc: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Grian: I'm aware of that.

Doc: But then you and I had some time together.

Grian: Uh-huh...?

Doc: It did not get better.

———

S1X: I used to play catch with my dad.

S1X: Except the ball hit the wall because he wasn't there.

Everyone:

Everyone: Are you okay?

———

Xisuma: *reading Grian's review* You meant 'stronger' here, right?

Grian: What does it say?

Xisuma: 'I'm pleased to inform that Hermitcraft is stranger than it was a year ago.'

Grian: That's a mistake.

Xisuma: But technically you're right.

———

Xisuma: Going to plan B?

Bdubs: Actually that would be Plan G.

Keralis: How many plans do we have? Is there like, Plan M?

Bdubs: Yeah, but Grian dies in Plan M.

Doc: I like Plan M.

———

Grian: What's he doing here?

Iskall: Who?

Grian: *staring at Mumbo* What's he doing here?

Iskall: hE WoRkS hErE.

———

Joe: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Grian: I almost died.

Doc: That was my fondest memory.

———

  Iskall: If Mumbo and I were drowning, who would you save?

Grian: You morons can't even swim?

Mumbo: It's a hypothetical question, who would you save?

Grian: My time and effort

———

Wels, explaining to Jevin should drink water: Water can solve all problems! Wanna lose weight? Drink water. Clear skin? Drink water.

Biffa, from across the room: tired of someone? Drown them.

———

Joe: You were hurt, what do you remember?

Xisuma: just the ambulance ride.

Cleo: we didn't take the ambulance, Doc drove us.

Xisuma: But I heard a siren.

Bdubs: that was Keralis.

Keralis: Sorry, I was nervous.

———

S1X: I don't dress to impress, I dress to depress

S1X: I make people hate themselves

———

S1X: You're like a cloud

EX: What?

S1X: When you disappear, it's a beautiful day.

———

Biffa: I love therapy!

S1X: Really?

Biffa: Yeah. It's like a talk show, where I'm the only guest, and the only topic is me!

———

Xisuma: Hello, EX. Make anyone cry today?

EX: Sadly no, but it's only 4:30.

———

Ren: Here is my wall of inspirational people.

Doc: It's literally just a picture of you-

Ren: Yes. I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

———

TFC: Excuse me, who's in charge here?

Grian: Usually it's whoever yells the loudest.

———

S1X: Since it's impossible to tell which part of my life is the middle,

S1X: *closes eyes* So, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.

———

Xisuma: I love this picture of Team S.T.A.R. We were so happy!

Grian: It's just you.

Xisuma: That's why I was so happy.

———

Biffa: Why is it considered wrong when I have fun?

S1X: People die when you have fun.

———

Impulse: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

S1X: What's wrong with the one we live in?

Tango: wait-  WHAT?!

S1X: Goodnight.

———

Grian: When have I ever done anything rash or irresponsible?

Mumbo: I keep a list. It's alphabetized.

———

EX: You know, you can't fit a square peg through a round hole, but you can set everything on fire.

S1X: ...

S1X: No, no you cannot.

———

Joe: Just write your favourite childhood memory.

S1X: What's childhood?

S1X: What's favourite?

Joe: So you don't have a favourite memory?

S1X: No.

Joe: So it must've all been happy memories, right?

S1X: *flashbacks to Vietnam* yeah, I guess you could say that.

———

Hogwarts AU!Bdubs: *puts hand on ouija board* Alright, spirits you listening?

*spinner spins on yes*

Bdubs: Alright. Listen up f**kers. Stop f***ing possessing me. I've had my life ruined enough.

Keralis: *whispering to Xisuma* What's he doing?

Xisuma: I'm not sure...

———

Jevin: Damn, the power went out.

Python: Don't worry, I got this.

*Python shakes rapidly and starts to glow*

Jevin: What—

Python: I swallowed a flashlight.

Jevin, on the verge of cardiac arrest: WHY WOULD YOU—

———

Teacher: Okay class, Wels has 27 bottles of dish soap, and—

Doc: Why the f*** does Wels have so many bottles of dish soap?

Wels, surrounded by dish soap: mind your damn business Doc!

———

Joe: Any extreme sport you've tried?

Bdubs: Doing my homework while TFC is collecting it.

———

Cub: I think there's something wrong with Scar.

Joe: Why is that?

Cub: He's having a nap...

Joe: Oh, but that's really good!

Cub: In the middle of the road.

Cub: While cars are still passing.

———

Joe: It takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Grian: Doc forgot me in a parking lot.

Doc: I didn't forget.

———

Grian: Why is blood so hard to wash off your hands?

Grian: I JUST REALIZED HOW BAD THAT SOUNDS. FOR THE RECORD, I HAD A NOSEBLEED, I'M NOT A SERIAL KILLER.

Doc: But we both know that's not quite true.

Cub: Hydrogen peroxide dissolves blood, just fyi.

Scar: Do you think if you gave someone a huge shot of hydrogen peroxide straight into their bloodstream it would kill them?

Stress: This server is filled with murderers.

———

Police: you're arrested for reckless driving by having...

Police: *counting* 21..22...23. 23 people in a single car.

Doc: god damnit.

Doc:

Doc: wait. Did you say 23?

Police: ...Yes, 23.

Scar: Oh my god.

Everyone: XISUMA AND GRIAN FELL OFF?!

———

Doc: How innocent are you?

Keralis: Very.

Doc: Then...

Doc: What starts with an 'F' and ends with 'uck' ?

Keralis: Firetruck!

Doc: ok... starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'orn' ?

Keralis: popcorn!

Doc: Holy mother of god...

———

S1X: *writing a note* EX, if you're reading this-

S1X: wait, can EX read?

S1X: Stress if you're reading this-

S1X: can Stress read?

S1X:

S1X: *confused screaming*

———

Stress: your brother's in danger.

EX: Wtf, Xisuma is right here???

Stress: ...

Stress: I don't know how to break it to you.

Stress: but you have another brother.

———

Zedaph: It's time to play 'Who Stole The Drugs'

Tango: Was it me?

Impulse: Was it me?

S1X, pointing at EX: It was him.

EX, covered in cocaine: F***king pink fairies everywhere-

———

S1X: Can you pass me the human opener?

EX, gives S1X the human opener: Sure thing!

Xisuma, freaked out: Did you just call a knife a human opener?

S1X, confused: was I not supposed to?

EX, straight faced: it's what they do, open humans.

———

Biffa: I'm gonna make you sorry you were ever born!

S1X: Well joke on you, I'm already sorry I was born!

———

S1X: *choking*

Xisuma: I'm trying to call 911, but the nine isn't working!

EX: just flip your phone upside down and use the six.

S1X, stops choking for a second: What the fu—

———

Grian: *clicks pen*

Doc: *clicks pen in response*

Ren: Stop that

Doc: stop what?

Ren: You're talking about me in Morse code.

Grian: Yeah, that's exactly what we're doing. In our limited free time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you... in front of you.

Doc, later, to Scar: That's ...exactly what we did.

———

Scar, looking about to have a cardiac arrest: I JUST WITNESSED A LADY THROW AWAY THE CENTER OF A CINNAMON ROLL.

Scar: THE CENTER OF A CINNAMON ROLL.

Scar: THE GREATEST BITE OF A CINNAMON ROLL.

Scar: THE REASON YOU GET THE CINNAMON ROLL.

Scar: THE CENTER. OF THE. CINNAMON ROLL.

Scar: This world is filled with monster.

Scar, looking about to cry: Monsters.

———

Jevin: Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave.

———

Grian: I'm gonna wing it.

*Grian, about to do something he most definitely shouldn't wing*

———

S1x: I think I'm having a feeling. How do I make it stop?

———

S1x: Don't mind me, I'll just be in the corner, having another existential crisis.

———

Stress: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all.

Xisuma: I got a solid eight minutes.

Xisuma: not consecutively, but it's fine. You're not even that blurry.

———

Xisuma: 80% exhausted, 10% sarcasm, 20% doesn't care.

Doc: That's 110%.

Xisuma: 20% doesn't care.

Doc: should've seen that coming.

———

Ren: You know what I need?

EX: to be accepted.

TFC: to be listened to.

S1x: to be allowed to be sad.

Ren: ...

Ren: I was gonna say a back massage and maybe like a snack but are you guys okay?

———

Scar: *eating a cinnamon roll*

Grian: cannibalism.

Scar: *confused chewing noises*

———

S1x: the best method for coping with things you don't want to do is play dead.

Cub, intrigued: Does that... does that actually work?

S1x: No, but it sure makes me feel better.

———

EX: you read my journal?

S1x: at first I did not know that it was your journal.

S1x: I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

———

Ex: Hey.

S1x: hey.

Ex: I can't sleep.

S1x: I can.

S1x: Goodnight.

Ex:

———

Stress: Why would anyone want to hurt Ex?

S1X: maybe because they met him?

———

Ex: I was born for politics.

Ex: I have great hair, and love lying.

———

S1x: I'm playing a new drinking game. It's called "everytime I'm depressed I take a drink."

Ex: This game exists. It's called alcoholism.

———

Xisuma: When we found Keralis, it was like an angelic choir sang down from the heavens.

Doc: We found Grian in a Walmart parking lot at 2 am.

———

Grian: I have an idea.

Grian: is it a good idea? No, no it is not.

Grian: am I still going to do it?

Grian: Yes.

———

Grian: on a scale of one to ten, how bad do you want to kill me right now?

Doc: I'm hovering somewhere in the high thirties.

———

S1x: you know, no one bothered me this much when I was dead.

———

Bonus (with mystery accounts; SallyTheChicken  poultry_man_  and tomrommet

Tomro: we can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

Poultry Man: no, that's not how you make cookies.

Sally: FLOOR IT!!

Tomro: how about 4,000,000 for one second?!?

Poultry Man: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE CAVE DOWN—

Tomro: IM GONNA HARVEST THE POWER OF THE FRICKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES

Sally: DO IT

Poultry Man: NO—