A/N: Anytime Kim and Lloyd speak, it's in Korean. For François and Kim, it's also in Korean.

T/W: Mental health/self harm

---‐-----------------------------------

Kim was a North Korean soldier in the army.

He was serious.

He was tall.

He was Lloyd and François' best friend.

But he especially liked Lloyd.

"Kimmy," Lloyd spoke to him in Korean. "Kimmy, I'm a general now. What should I do?"

"You're acting like it's a bad thing. Shouldn't you be happy?"

"I'm...not really happy anymore."

Before Kim could answer, someone called for Lloyd.

"Tubby!"

God, did Lloyd hate that name. He wasn't even chubby. Sure, he had baby fat, but he wasn't even overweight. It's a shame that everyone uses that name for him. He groaned and went over to whoever was calling him.

Kim, without anyone around, froze. He's almost robotic if there's nobody to talk to, just staring at the sky with the straightest face you'll ever see. Just as quickly as it began, it ended when someone came up to him.

"Hey, Kim." François smiled at him. "They said we're going to the next mission in Vagu together today."

"Oh, ok. How long is it?"

"They said not more than a week."

"Awww, I like the long ones."

"Haha! Start getting ready."

Kim went to the room that he shared with another soldier. He didn't really feel anything. He never feels anything, and the times he does are very intense. It's mostly anger, so it's better if he doesn't have any emotion. If he had to have a conversation, he would just strung words together that would hopefully make sense.

-----------------------

At night, Kim and François went to say goodbye to the general. François felt bad for leaving Lloyd alone at such an important time. He looked so sad that they were leaving, but they promised to be back soon.

Kim seemed to be the most human around Lloyd. Conversations and smiles just flowed through him when they spoke. He remembered everything he said and loved his voice.

Once they left, Lloyd was upset. He's always upset these days. He didn't have time to self-pity. He had meetings and paperwork. So much damn paperwork, but it was all pretty easy.

"So, Tubby, we're planning to have a celebration for you."

"Celebration, White?"

"Yes, for your completion of your high school career, becoming a general, and-" the older man smiled at him. "for being selected to fly our first company made plane."

Lloyd felt himself smile. "That's awesome!"

"It is, it is." Suddenly, he looked Lloyd up and down. "My my, you're aren't so tubby anymore!"

He looked at himself. He did lose a lot of weight. He wasn't even trying to. He just didn't want to eat. He suddenly felt very small, physically and mentally.

"Don't worry too much, we'll have lots of sweets at the party in December." White patted his shoulder, which made Lloyd only feel sadder.

The other left him alone to do something. Tears in his eyes, he went to his room that he used to share with James, who had to go back home. What a time to be alone. He looked around for a bit, smoked, and wrote a few letters. How could he be so numb despite all the happiness around him?

He thought of the bloodshed he had seen. The little girl whose face looked so disfigured after a blast that her own mother asked him to end her misery. The other mother who cursed at him and wished him dead because he accidentally shot her son. The time he saw one of his fellow cadets' arms be shot clean off. The time he saw an old man running around on fire before a soldier shot him dead.

He had to leave the room. It was drowning him.

"Kill yourself, you selfish prick!"

"It's all your fault!"

He walked into the synagogue, the rabbi more than happy to see him.

"General Sauveterre, pleasure to see you!"

"Thank you, Rav. I know it's late, but may I play the piano? Just for a while?"

"Certainly."

The rabbi showed him the black grande piano. Lloyd sat down and played Save Your People as he sung along. His voice was quite unique, being a soft and gentle Countertenor. The rabbi loved his voice. It was able to put any baby to sleep and calm any broken heart. Even the birds stopped chirping to listen.

Once he stopped, the rabbi clapped his hands. "Beautiful as always!"

Lloyd gave him a shaky smile. "Thank you, Rav."

"Maybe after this war, you'll become a singer!"

They spoke, Lloyd desperately trying to grasp the happiness the rabbi shined. He needed happiness, he can't stand this darkness that's picking at him. Then the urge appeared, he quickly said goodbye to the rabbi and ran back to his room.

He needed something, anything. He was hungry for pain.

He saw a pocket knife, fuck it it's fine.

Slice right. Slice left. Slice down.

It hurt so much.

He started crying.

Bleed bleed bleed.

It felt so good.

His arm started to shake. He had to stop.

Just as quickly as the urge came it went. Then the guilt came.

How could he do such a thing?

He felt sad, he needed pain again.

Then the guilt.

Pain.

Guilt.

Pain.

Sleep.

-------‐------
June 21st, François' birthday.

"Happy birthday to you!"

What a marvelous nineteenth birthday. François got a delicious chocolate cake, gifts, and even some money. Kim was hugging him as he laughed at the present he gave him.

"A hat?!"

"You always said you liked Marie Antoinette!"

It was great day, and they were going home tomorrow. He won't be able to see Lloyd again until mid-September, he was sent on a mission with another general to fight. But that's ok, he sent him a box full of presents and two letters. Him and Kim went to their room to open it.

"Ok, this letter is yours." He handed Kim a pink envelope, which was quickly ripped open. He read it and laughed before telling François;

"Dear Kimmel,

How's my country, do you like all the flowers? Say hi to that angry lady with the black hair, she's mad because her dog always pees on her shoes.

Can't wait to see you in September, don't grow up too much or mommy can't recognize you, alright my dear son? :)

Your loving mother,
Lloydie.

P.S: Steal a piece of cake for me! :)"

Still laughing, François opened his. He tried not to blush, especially when Kim started teasing him about it.

"Dear Flan,

Happy birthday, grandpa!

I'm so proud of you, you're doing a good job and I really really REALLY can't wait to see you again!! I've been so lonely without you and Kim bumping into things, nothing to laugh at! :)

I hope you're having such a great day, you deserve it! In the box there's five or six presents, can't really remember. I wrote a letter with each one. They're kinda crappy, but you get what you get and you don't get upset! :)

Happy birthday, Franny. (〃^ー^〃)

Yours,

Lloydie!"

Kim, burning with jealousy, laughed. "Woo, he likes you!!!"

Controlling his blushing and butterflies, he giggled. "Hey, knock it off! He has that boyfriend!"

With a now heavy silence, François opened the box. He smiled, he could feel the warmth of love with each thing inside.

"Aww, look at this. He sent you something too!" François passed him a big squishy cat with a note from Lloyd.

"Look at this cat, squishmallow I think. His name is Cam the Cat!"

"Aww!!"" He hugged it. "He's so sweet!"

François got one too, and of course, in his favorite color with a note.

"I know you like red! Her name is Fifi the Fox!"

God, he was too cute. François picked up a pack of pink fuzzy socks with hearts, that both made them laugh.

"Remember, get what you get and you don't get upset! ;)"

Next, he pulled out a cream colored handkerchief. Kim thought that was the weirdest thing until he read the note, although he struggled because it was written in French.

"Aww, don't cry! You'll see me again! :)"

"So romantic." They both laughed, although Kim's was a bit forced.

Next was his favorite, a softcover of The Great Gatsby. He didn't see a note with this one, but that didn't matter.

"OHMYGODTHISMYFAVORITEBOOKBECAUSE-" and for the next five minutes, Kim's ears almost ran away.

The next was two packets of chapstick and a note saying how all the ladies he kisses will be grateful. That note didn't sit right with him, he didn't want to kiss anyone else but-

"JESUS CHRIST, CANDLES!!!" François was a slut for flower scented candles, which Lloyd knew too well.

Kim never saw François so happy. He was actually happy too, and all thanks to Lloyd. Someone came in their room to say it's lights out. Kim hugged him goodnight before going to bed, hugging that stupid squishmallow to his chest with the biggest smile on his face.

François sat by the window, the warm June breeze creeping in. He prayed with the whisper of the happiest voice he could make.

"Thank you, God, for bringing me such happiness. And thank you, God, for giving me such wonderful friends."

----------------------

Finally, on September 14th, Lloyd came back. Kim ran to see him first. Oh my God, who was this skeleton?

"Kim, I'm so happy to see you again!" Kim went into his robotic personality, the shock was too much. "Was it boring without me?"

"Oh, yeah it was!" His voice was a strange type of dull.

"Where's Franny?"

"He's taking a nap right now, last night's battle was pretty rough." He couldn't stop staring, he looked so small. "Would you like something to eat?"

He was much too quick to answer. "I already ate on the way here." He hugged him, Kim blushed. Although still shocked, he liked how snuggly he fit into his arms. "I missed you."

Shit, that fucking boner. "M-missed you too."

Holding hands, they walked back to his and François' room. His hands were so boney, but he was too lovestruck to really worry about that.

Kim was called into the kitchen. Lloyd could be alone with François. He walked into his room, slightly lightheaded. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. Tangled in his blanket with his curls all about. He chuckled a bit when he saw the squishmallow next to him, tucked in next to him.

He sat on the bed and stroked the soft red hair. So thick and clean, it was something to envy. Shit, he was blushing. He got the urge, he shouldn't blush. He pinched his inner thigh, he teared up a bit but he needed the punishment. Everytime he thought such a way of François, he had to hurt himself. One night, he cut himself maybe hundred times just by those thoughts alone.

"François, can we get married?"

"Of course, my love! We'll be married and-"

François woke up and groaned, then moved his legs to cover the afternoon wood, he didn't even realize Lloyd was there, mistaking his lap for a pillow. He giggled and hymn as he stroked his hair.

"Mmmm....grandma.." That sleepy voice was so deep and soft.

With a voice softer than feathers, he laughed. "Try again, François."

François looked confused, then moved up to see Lloyd smiling. The redhead laughed and brought him into his arms. Why was he so tiny?

"Lloyd, I was dreaming of seeing you again!"

"Miracles do exist, don't they?"

François wanted so desperately to kiss him, but he only smiled as he said how happy he was that he was back. Lloyd seemed over the moon, they both love being around each other.

François touched his side and nearly gasped when he felt all his ribs. That's not right. He looked up at Lloyd, who was getting tired and starting to lay down. He looked so different, so sick. Those bags weighing down his sad brown eyes, the messy hair, the pale skin, the now visible cheekbones. Where was the smile? The rosy cheeks?

"Franny, can I borrow your bed?" He yawned. "I'm sleepy."

"Only if we could share it." François laid next to him and put the blanket on him.

They both had a warm feeling, although they both didn't want to admit it. Lloyd, always a fan of touch, wrapped his arms around his shoulders and fell asleep, his head on François'. The redhead wasn't turn on, more so lovestruck. But also sick with worry. Why was he so skinny? Was there any food there?

The sleepiness got to him, though. He looked at Lloyd one more time, put his hand on his head and stroked his thin hair, and went back to sleep.

Eugène Carrière -HER MOTHER'S KISS