KAISA HÄMÄLÄINEN

"I just wanna change
I just wanna change
I just wanna change
I just wanna change
I just wanna change"

KAISA WAS UP all night. No matter how hard her whole her body ached, she couldn't fall asleep. The screams of the tortured people kept her awake, despite her body begging for her to fall asleep, every time she closed her eyes, another scream made her flinch and wide awake once more.

She knew James was awake as well. She could feel his stare burning the back of her neck, still, she didn't even spare him a glance. She knew if she wanted to survive she should keep the interactions with other prisoners as limited as possible, and also holding up her reputation for being silent.

The girl sat up in her cell and hugged her knees to her chest as a way for comfort. She hated being small and in need of love and comfort, but she knew it only made her time here sadder. It felt like her heart and brain were in a never ending battle.

-______-

As soon as the sun rose, another set of guards walked in. They didn't have weapons on them, at least not all of them, so Kaisa could've easily fought them off and run out of there as soon as possible, leaving everything and everyone behind.

But she knew she couldn't.

Not because she was unable to leave James and the others behind, but because she wanted to live. And she can't live if she gets herself killed.

The guards didn't walk to her cell this time, instead they approached the one next to hers. Kaisa didn't really pay much attention to it, due to the guards not being here for her this time, but she still caught a glimpse of him and his eyes for a second, and she could've sworn his eyes went wide for a split second with fear and recognition but quickly returned lifeless and cold. James stood up, like he already knew where they were taking him and what they'll do to him. Kaisa watched as they escorted him out of his cell and down the hallway they came, he wasn't even resisting, like he knew it was useless.

Kaisa sat in the corner of her cell and listened. That's all she could do, or so she learned. There's nothing she could do to help him, or the others for that matter. Sure enough, about five minutes later she heard the loud, gutwreching screams from where they had taken him. She covered her ears, it pained her to even hear it. The little girl couldn't even begin to imagine the excruciating pain and suffering he was going through at that moment, and possibly countless of times before.

Kaisa waited. She waited for the guards to bring James' uncouscious body back and throw him back in his cell like a kid already bored with their new toy. She waited for them to come back and toss him aside like they had done to her. She waited for James to appear again and stare at her in a strangely both terrifing and comforting way. She waited. She waited, waited and waited for hours. Nothing. The screams have stopped hours ago, they only lasted for five minutes or so, so what happened?

Then Kaisa was hit with a thought like a train going at 220 km/h. He didn't survive it. Whatever they had done to him, he was dead now. She didn't think she even want to think about what they must've done to his body and who knows how many faceless victims' bodies as well, but just like no one can tell a brain not to do something, her mind was already filled with all the possible ways they had disposed of his body. Burning, beating him up beyond recognition and dumping him in a dark alleyway, filling his lungs with water so it'll look like he drowned and throwing him in a lake or river...

As the morbid thoughts didn't leave her mind and instead only became more and more overwhelming for her, she didn't sleep at all that night either.

As much as she hated to admit it, she missed having James around. Not that she was attached to him in any way, but more like his stare -while it was rude and at first made her very uncomfortable- made her feel somehow safe. Like he was watching over her while she was sleeping, not letting her out of his sight and in a way ensuring her safety. Though it was also a high possibility that he only did this because he had some sort of a staring problem or that he didn't trust her at all, not wanting to go to sleep while she was still awake, ready to attack him at any time, especially in moments he might have lowered his guard even slightly. Maybe he just wanted to be sure she won't find him in any vulnerable moments and he'll at least be safe from her, if he can't be safe from the guards. Maybe it let him have at least a bit of control over something in his life.

As Kaisa thought about it, she had to admit that the second scenerio was much more likely, but she still decided to go with the first one, childishly and selfishly believing it was the truth, for it comforted her more and made her believe she was worthy of such actions.

-______-

A week or at least more than 7 days and nights went by and still no sign of James. Now the blonde really believed he died under the brutal torture those sadists like to call 'experiments' perfomed.

Kaisa haven't slept after James died. She started hallucinating three days ago and almost talked to James, before realising he wasn't real. He was once again just a figment of her imagination. It was, in a way ironic. He started off as a nightmare, as nothing else but all her guilt and fear rolled into one person and ended as the one who watched over while she slept.

   The girl looked up, seeing him again. He looked different. The guards took him back to his cell and the blonde just watched as he sat down, looking straight ahead. She knew it wasn't real. How could it be? He died and only existed in her mind and hallucinations her mind created due to the sleep deprivation. But still, she somehow always looked ahead to see him from time to time. At least in her hallucinations he wasn't a rotting corpse.

   She stood up and walked to the wall made out of window that separated her from him and put her hand up against the glass. James must've felt being watched and looked up.

   He looked different.

   He looked at her like she was a stranger and that never happened in her hallucinations. He always talked to her, telling her to eat, to sleep, but she feared if she even moved one inch from the spot she was sitting in, he would disappear forever and will be nothing but a memory. Like everyone she had ever known. Maybe that was a curse she had.

   James continued looking at her with those cold, unfeeling eyes, but this time they had nothing behind the coldness. James was different. He was different and Kaisa knew it.

   She furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly, as if silently asking if he was okay. No reaction. It felt like déja vu. Like they were back to square one. James didn't stand up, he didn't say a thing and his facial expressions and body language gave away nothing of his feelings and thoughts. It was times like this when Kaisa wished she could read minds and understand what was going on in that head of his, what was making him act this way, what happened in the past week.

   James suddenly stood up and walked over to her. There was a certain ruthlessness and anger in his eyes that made Kaisa step back in slight discomfort and fear. He only said one thing.

   "Stop looking at me." Then he turned around and sat back down. Kaisa was left completely confused, looking at him in disbelief.

   "James?"

   "I don't know who that is," James spat, irritated. "Now shut up." Kaisa took a step back, now not only confused, but also slightly concerned. She didn't want to press the matter anymore so she just turned around, sat down in the corner and looked down at her feet.

   James was never like this in her hallucinations. Was this the real life or was this just fantasy? She didn't know what was real anymore and as she thought, the sleepiness started to overcome her as she laid down in a starfish position, staring at the ceiling and fell asleep, too tired to think about anything and even more exhausted to talk to James about it. She knew they both needed sleep and maybe, just maybe, they could start fresh tomorrow. Maybe he was just annoyed at the scientists, which was understandable, considering that if he really did not die and this wasn't another hallucination, that must've meant they had just tortured him for a full week. Just the mere thought of that made Kaisa shiver as she drifted off into possibly the deepest sleep of her entire life.