God, I wish that you had
thought this through

Before I went and fell
in love with you
*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

NATALIE REMEMBERED THE DAY SHE HAD FIRST MET HIM, among the bare streets of New York City three months after the blip. He was poorly disguised. A baseball cap and sunglasses. Anyone looking at him for more than two seconds would know who he was. He was too easily recognizable anywhere in the world. However, after the blip not many cared for the remaining Avengers.

That was what she and Steve originally bonded over; mutual concern for all of the people left in the world. Natalie was a psychiatrist before Thanos, so when Steve asked if she would help with the group sessions she couldn't help but say yes.

It was hard to say, but maybe that was when she really fell in love with him. Once Natalie saw the way he would help others, Steve became more than just a colleague in her eyes. He became..... Steve. Steve who was caring towards every single person in the sessions. Steve who would jump to assist anyone he possibly could. Steve who would have dinner made in her apartment for her when she got home.

Natalie couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she fell in love with him. All she knew was that her feelings had spread deep like poison. They only got stronger and stronger with every passing day.

Maybe that's why it hurt so much when Steve went back in time to live a life with Peggy.

All the work did keep her busy on most days, but at night, when she'd lie in her bed, she was hit with the tidal wave of emotions that left her feeling hollow and hurt. She would stare at her ceiling, wondering when she got so cold. She would remember the days when her and Steve were together at her apartment and she'd wish for that time to come back. Just wishing for it made her heart ache, because Steve was finally in a happy place and despite her losses, everyone was slowly moving on and letting go.

But Natalie couldn't. She couldn't let go.

She grieved for Nat and she grieved for Steve. She grieved for what she could have had with him had their lives been different. If she had been different... Good enough. She had loved him for years and it had left her with nothing. An empty bed, next to no friends, and a heart that would rather be in danger than be lying in the dark with tears streaming down her face.

She remembered it so clearly. Sam's panicked voice drowned out by the thumping in her ears. After he left there was a part of her hoping he'd appear right back where he was, smile that beautiful smile at her, and kiss her stupid, apologising for ever thinking he could live without her.

That wasn't what happened though.

She had swallowed and turned away, trying her best to get out of earshot before her sobs become audible. She counted her steps, vision blurred completely into mottled oranges and browns, the fallen leaves crunching below het feet collecting her tears as she made her escape.

She didn't get far though, she should have known.

"Hey, wait- " Bucky stoped speaking when she turned, probably feeling awkward that he was staring at het puffy red eyes, face wetter than the pavement in a rainstorm. His own expression changed, from something tailored and put on, to sympathy, understanding and he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"You didn't know... did you?" He asked then and Natalie couldn't help feel bad, but she also couldn't help but scoff, a humourless laugh leaving her as her lips curled up in a sad smile.

"I've always known... Deep down."

He didn't follow her that time.

She remembered the goodbyes, the apologies from that day. The words were just a white noise in her ears. While her mind was dancing and her heart was palpitating, her body was idle and stuck in one place.

Now Natalie lay in bed as her bottom lip quivered, the same as a child pushed past endurance. Her eyes became glacier blue under the sheen of water, constant, yet allowing the tears to flow without pause.

She felt as if the world used to kiss up against her skin and laugh with her, hold her - no longer. It was as if the world had shrunken away to leave a cold void around her skin, as if she had become detached from reality itself. She felt completely alone. Empty. Just... Endless nothingness.

Suddenly, there was a quiet yet sharp knock on door followed by the the doorbell sound that radiated through the house before Natalie raised herself from her bed and opened the door.

"Wanda?"