My mind goes blank and everything goes black as I'm swallowed by the cold darkness.

~

"And then you died?" Frank asked in concern, too caught into the story to realize how stupid his question was.

Anthony nudged his brother's side and glared at him, making Frank snap out of his daze.

Tears slowly rolled down Gerard's cheek and he wiped them away with the back of his hand, and smiled, as surprising as it might be.

"Unfortunatelly, I didn't. I was found unconscious on the floor and they managed to bring me back. However, I had taken a lot of pills, so they had to put me in an artificial coma for nine days.
Mikey and I didn't use to get along, at all. He was the one who found me, passed out, since he was the first one to come home. He was 14 then. He was here every single day of my coma, holding my hand. I couldn't feel it but my parents told me he did. When I woke up, Mikey was... as devastated as me. He wanted to catch up with all the time we lost fighting each other."

Anthony gave a weird glance at Frank, which the latter didn't notice, too focused on Gerard.

"Somehow, my attempt to end my days brought us together. Things have improved so much. I just wished it had happened another way..." Gerard sighed and took a deep breath. He might as well tell the twins everything.

"When I woke up, my parents sent me to intensive therapy sessions and decided that we would move so I could start anew. I missed like, two months of class. I've had a lot of psychiatrists but I mostly remember Dr. Lester and Dr. Howell. They helped me to move on, to forget Barbara and deal with stress - which made me stutter less. Also, they helped me come out of the closet and handle all that stuff. They did so much for me."

"But Gee, the panic attacks you've been having..." Anthony breathed out.

"The shrinks said I have a predisposition to depression and I tend to have panic attacks because of my past trauma. They said the depression I had back then was pretty serious and that's why I tried to end my days. Because I was in 'emotional distress', as they said."

Gerard rubbed his forehead to soothe a rising headache.
"I also have an eating disorder. Anorexia, kind of. I'm self-conscious about my weight and I took the habit of eating as little as I can. Sometimes, I have hypoglycemia because of that."

Frank remembered that Gerard had told him that he never ate in the morning. That was probably what Gerard was talking about.

Gerard burst into tears, it was all too much for him. "I'm so messed up..." he wept, hiding his face in his hands.

Frank and Anthony immediatly pulled him in a double hug.

"It's okay Gee, it's okay to be messed up. Everybody's messed up. I mean, look around. Do you think we're normal? Honestly?" said Frank.

"Well, Frank clearly isn't normal, he licks the cream out of oreos instead of eating them all at once." Anthony commented, making Gerard softly giggle and sniffle in the two boys' shoulders.

"Gee, why did you think we would hate you for that?" Anthony pulled back and asked. "You're not responsible of anything that happened."

Gerard didn't replied right away. "B-because I'm a slut?

"I'm sorry Gee, but it just isn't true. Get that out of your mind. You're better than any of us." Frank stated and Gerard nodded without much conviction, looking down.

"Gerard, do you want us to stay? We can spend the night if you want, we really don't mind. You're not alone in this, we want you to know that." Anthony proposed.

"N-no thanks... I need time to... Think. I don't like remembering all these things but I'm okay, I promise. I won't do anything stupid, trust me."

The twins nodded and after another hug, they left, not without reminding Gerard that he could call or text anytime.

______

Frank fell on his bed in a thud.

He hadn't stopped loving Gerard after hearing his appaling story, maybe that somehow made him love Gerard even more. But that also made Frank hate himself to the highest point.

Gerard was recovering from a crippling depression, and he was fucking suicidal. Frank hated himself for acting like a manwhore with him and opening Gerard's old wounds.

But I couldn't know... , a part of him was thinking.

Shut up ! , the other part of him yelled. Stop trying to find excuses. You're just a fuckboy and a slutty bitch, Frank. You never listen and you are always pushing it further and further, in spite of how Gerard could be feeling. You're no better than Barbara.

I'm a slut, Frank thought. I am, and once a slut, always a slut.

Frank felt a tear roll down his face and he sniffled in his pillow. He couldn't even fucking blame Anthony, his brother wasn't responsible of his despicable behavior or anything that had happened between him and Gerard, Frank knew it.

Anthony had warned me... Maybe he'll get to say his 'I told you so', after all... Frank bitterly thought.

Honestly, it was like Frank had forgotten all the progress he had made so far. He wasn't realizing that he was maturing. Instead of blaming it all on Anthony as he usually did, he was taking full responsability for his actions -but that only made his sorrow greater because for once, he was taking it all on himself.

Frank thought about what Anthony had said. 'You'll end up alone'.

It's true, all of it. You're just a fucking whore, you don't deserve Gerard, you don't deserve his love. Anthony does. And Gee and Anthony love each other, so let it go.

Frank buried his face in his pillow. He didn't want to be alone.

But if Anthony loves Gerard and Gerard loves Anthony, then... who loves me?

No one.

But... what will I become?

Nothing. You're nothing, Frank. You're never gonna make it. Anthony will. He's a better version of you in every way. Face it.

Frank began crying in his pillow, more than he ever had. He wanted to have a future. Not just a job he liked, but a future with Gerard.

But he didn't deserve him.

Frank was so sick to concede it to himself -though he could have never be more wrong- but he had acceped it : he was sure it was true and that nothing would ever change that, no matter how hard he tried.

And this is Frank Iero giving up.

At this moment, Frank was bringing himself down so much that he was calling himself the worst profanities, charging himself with the worst crimes on Gerard that he didn't even commit, and he was more than disposed to grant Anthony all the qualities in the world - even the ones his brother didn't have.

Frank really was a mess.

He was convinced that he wasn't worthy of Gerard's love, that he would end up destroying the one person he loved the most.

Frank had been into fights, he had had bruises, black eyes and broken bones, but this was a brand new kind of wound for him. And nothing had ever hurt him quite as much as a bleeding heart.

Frank's door opened and Anthony went in. Frank turned his back to his brother so Anthony couldn't see he was crying.

"Hey, it's your turn to set the table."

"Yeah... Okay..." Frank tried to speak normally but his voice definitely sounded broken.

"Friendly reminder that prom's in like, three days, so..."

Another tear silently rolled down Frank's cheek to fall on his pillow as he thought that he could never ask Gerard to go with him. Frank couldn't help but sniffle.

"Frank, are you crying?" Anthony frowned, taking a few steps forward but not enough to see Frank's face.

"No, I'm just... Tired. Could you please leave?" Frank spoke dryly.

Anthony did so then, but he had very well understood that Frank was crying and that it definitely wasn't because of exhaustion but something related to Gerard.

Despite being really smart, Anthony only started to understand now how much Gerard mattered to his brother.

______

Today was the day of the school's prom. Anthony had invited Gerard, and the latter had accepted.

Anthony knocked on Frank's bedroom door and went in without waiting for his brother's permission.

"Hey, you know prom is tonight, right? You should get ready. Come on, get up !"

Frank was laid on his bed, an arm risen up and put on his upper face to hide it from the sun.

Since they had started hating each other roughly four years ago, it was the first time Anthony saw him so down. It had been three days -since Gerard's confession- that Frank wasn't leaving his bedroom. He had turned into a vegetable.

Orders, always orders... Isn't he sick of that? Frank thought.

"I'm gonna pick up Gerard.Didn't you ask someone to go with you?"

Frank clenched his jaw not to cry.
"I'm not going to the prom." he calmly stated.

Anthony frown. Did he hear what he had just heard?

Missing a party, even a single one, wasn't like Frank at all. Anthony knew something was wrong.

Frank had always used partying as an excuse to forget about everything and drink his doubts and saddness away. It helped him to convince himself that he was popular and that he could replace his brother's relationship with something else : attitude, popularity and random sex.

He had kept himself happy with that, but it wasn't enough anymore. Now Frank needed love, he needed Gerard, like a drug he immediately got addicted to.

"I beg your pardon?" Anthony asked not sure to have heard correctly.

"I'm not. Going. To the prom." Frank slowly uttered, an ounce of annoyance piercing through his dry tone.

"Why not? It's a party."

"Don't want to."

Anthony sighed and decided to let it go.
"Fair enough. I put your tux on your deskchair in case you change your mind."

Anthony began to walk away.
"I really think you should come though. Something interesting might happen, who knows?" he let out before walking away.

Frank didn't react. The door shut and Frank glanced at the tuxedo on his deskchair. No way, he thought.

Time went by and Frank's brain was boiling up; his mind was so conflicted. Frank gritted his teeth.

"Fuck it", he mumbled and got out of his bed, and grabbed his tuxedo. He took a look at it.

It's official, he thought. I'm the biggest moron in the fucking universe.

He got changed, grabbed his keys and left the house.

______