𖥻  avoiding  𖹭  lee jeno ⭑.ᐟ ──
❝ have you asked him why? ❞
𔓘 warning 𔘓 mild panic attack

     S.ORCHING SUMMER'S AIR lovingly dug it's sharp claws into the small dance room, seven men laid tiredly upon the bitter marbled flooring, feeling the life slowly drain from their aching bodies, it was a week until their comeback, it was obvious that the looming deadline was weighing heavily upon their shoulders, the harder they practiced, the more flaws they seemed to reveal, Although it was clear that the routine was smooth, there was next to no room for improvement, it was all in their heads, they had fully mastered it, it was polished to perfection.

     However they were too tired to notice, the stupidity of there nonstop three hour practice.

     Until the clicking of an opening door alerted them, suddenly the group jumped into practising not needing another lecture about their tardiness, about how everything needs to be perfect, even if they were both figuratively and literally breaking their backs for the sake of the upcoming comeback, Mark halted first, followed by Renjun and soon enough a domino effect happened until there was a lingering silence, The tall, dark black haired male stood with two plastic bags in his hands, smile stretching ear to ear.

     "You've got an hour, me sweet taking your choreographer and manger is starting to lose it's magical touch, we are going to need a better plan, if you want me to keep getting you more time on your break" m/n admitted finally walking up to the group that happily collapsed, clearly beyond tired, their faces showing their true natures.

     "You're a literal life saver" Mark muttered closing his eyes, Jisung already began to slowly drift into a much needed light slumber, the other's spreading out in the small studio doing their own things, Haechan grabbing the bags as he purposefully passed the male, m/n noticed the way Jeno's expression distorted slightly, turning his face to anything but him, moving further from him the moment he tried to walk towards him, a sign for the raven haired male to stay put.

     Jeno had been pushing away for the last month and a half, it started off fairly slowly, it was barley noticeable, then out of nowhere Jeno pulled the rug from underneath him, he was gone within a blink of an eye, he felt a million miles away, m/n tried everything to capture him but the tides guided them apart, he felt lightyears from his fingertips and m/n would do anything in his power to bring him back to his side.

     If Jeno had given him the chance.

     "And you're being dramatic Lee Min-hyung" m/n teased, earning a middle finger from Mark who was sick of hearing his Korean name, which was seemingly only used whenever his managers or team had thought Mark was letting the members down, or doing something wrong, however when it came down to m/n, he had a pass to use it, he knew that there was no malicious intent behind it, he did it with love in his heart and playfulness in his body, it was a welcomed break from the negative.

     "M/n, can I have some advice?" Renjun suddenly question grabbing onto the male's forearm not really giving him the option to decline the need for help ── not like he would ever do that to Renjun, he allowed the smaller to pull him to one side of the room, bickering from Haechan and Chenle created a nice break from the thickening atmosphere.

     "What's up? Do I have to murder someone?" M/n inquired with a serious tone, brows knitting together, Renjun huffed out his cheeks, a sign of irritation at m/n's half joking tone.

     "Why do you always jump to murder?" The other rolled his eyes earning a slight chuckle from the elder, who lovingly ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling the dyed pink strands, Renjun swatting away his hands with a tiny pout resting on his lips.

     "Because it's my job to protect my favourite people, so if I had to I would murder someone" M/n shrugged leaning against the windowsill, the small hints of faint wind blew against his tender features, Renjun scoffed knowing that the elder was too much of a gentle soul to hurt a bee let alone another human, however a smaller part of him wouldn't put it past him if he was pushed too far.

     "Whatever, that's not the point, I don't need advice I just didn't want any attention, what I actually want is to know what the hell is going on with you and Jeno? it's been over a month since you two have even looked at each other, it's probably longer since you've spoken" Renjun stated, his brows knitting together, confusion written across his expression, arms folding against his chest, m/n heaved a heavy sigh, he attempted to rack his brain for some kind of answer to the question he had been pondering for what seemed like a million lifetimes.

     He started to miss him even when they were stood next to each other, shoulder to shoulder.

     "Do you think I know? I blinked, I swear that was all I did, one minute we were being our normal selves then the next he's gone, he wanted nothing to do with me, I have tried to think of a million different things that I could have done to push him away but I can't fucking think of anything" m/n quietly ranted feeling the weight lifting from his chest finally being able to talk it over with someone ── If he was honest, he was glad that it wasn't just him picking up on Jeno's behaviour, he felt less insane for noticing the way he reacts the moment he and Jeno dare to cross path.

     "Have you asked him, why?" Renjun raised a brow, m/n scoffing as if he hadn't attempted that more then half a billion times.

     "If I had asked don't you think this entire thing would have blown over by now?" The other looked over to Jeno, his eyes forming his infamous eye smiles as he talked to Jaemin like there was nothing going on, like things were perfect ── At this point, if he were honest, he would happily take Jeno screaming at him, cursing him out, telling him he hated him, he'd take anything at all, if it meant that he just had an ounce of his attention, the cold shoulder, the ignorance was suffocating him, it was slowly killing him, picking at his weakest points.

     Anything really is better than this.

     "If neither of you can talk then I'm going to talk for you, this is ridiculous" Renjun stated, fed up with the endless dancing around the atmosphere that worsened with every passing moment, the entire thing was unfair on the pair in question.

     And to those around them.

     "Renjun, whatever you are thinking, right now, don't" m/n warned, trying to study the other's expression trying to figure out what he was about to do or say, Renjun lightly pushed past him, knowing later on down the line, m/n would thank him for doing this, even if right now he would despise him.

     "Renjun, don't, please" m/n almost pleaded trying to grab onto the other's oversized hoodie narrowly missing the light pink fabric, eyes widening in horror the moment Jeno faced him, that was all it took, that simple glance back at him was enough to trigger his downfall ── m/n felt his stomach drop, his heart racing, his breath thinning, the entire world spun out of control, he felt his temperature rising, he shook his head, before frantically rushing out of the room, making a beeline for the entrance never being so thankful for the practice room being on the ground floor before, tearing open the large glass doors he swore his force could have tore them from their hinges.

     "This, this cannot be happening" He muttered unbuttoning the top three circular buttons of his printed Hawaiian shirt, he fanned himself trying to remove the warmth that rapidly consumed him, he felt his vison blurring slightly, tears had began to form somewhere along the way, he wanted the silence to end, he wanted Jeno back in his life but not like this, he couldn't bare to think about confessing like this, he never wanted someone else to pressure them into talking, but deep down he knew that it would be the only way for them to strike the conversation.

     Then came the what ifs.

     The thoughts of hatred, negativity and outcomes far out of this world waged war upon his mind, nothing seemed to calm them, they ran around his head, forcing him into thinking of how much Jeno was going to hate him, how he was going to push him away, then realisation hit if Jeno hated him it wouldn't be long until the other members would follow in his footsteps ── The weight of the world weighed heavy upon his chest, his surroundings crumbling around him, legs turning into jelly, head spinning causing him to feel lightheaded, he couldn't focus on anything but the chaos, he was spiralling.

     "M/n, are you okay?, here sit down, I got you" a panicked voice stated, as two secure arms held onto his waist the moment he staggered back slightly, he was guided to the large, grey steps behind him, the mere second he connected with it, the male next to him quickly rubbed comforting circles upon his back, the other hand carefully taking m/n's, as his thumb ran smoothly across his knuckles, hoping that the light touches would be enough for him to feel less alone, to remind him that he was safe.

     "M/n, can you hear me? Can you feel me?" Jeno lovingly questioned, his voice tenderly low, trying his best not to scare the male that was in a heightened state, m/n could only bring himself to nod, he felt a light shift hearing Jeno as he latched onto his voice, it was a small comfort but it was enough for now.

     "Okay, that's really good, it's a start, do you think you could tell me what you're feeling?" He inquired once again, m/n wanted to shake his head, he wanted to keep his words to himself, it was the only thing he had control over, however he knew Jeno was using it as a way to try and refocus his mind on something else so he could slowly work himself down.

     "I, my breath, I can't" m/n trialled his words, only to suddenly fail, they didn't seem to form the way he needed them to, the way he wanted them to, they fell in a different sequence, it only seemed to rattle his nature even more, there was a silence somewhere between comfortable and awkward that lingered between them, neither touched upon it but it's presence started to grow, it was harder to ignore even in the disarray that overtook m/n.

     "You're doing better then you think, can you name three things you love?" Another venture into trying to ease m/n's distress, it wasn't the first time that Jeno had experienced his friend's panic attacks, however he did feel a little rusty, due to the fact that m/n had thankfully not had to suffer through one for a long time, he was doing better, slowly but surely he was getting there.

     "Our little family, Milo and the plant you brought me for my birthday last year" It was an easy answer, one that never needed to be thought of much, he already knew off by heart what he loved, dream was their chaotic family, Milo was the kitten he adopted three weeks ago with Haechan helping him and the large cactus was a gift from Jeno after m/n wouldn't stop talking about always wanting one, loving the warmth plants seemed to radiate, no matter the mood that befell upon you.

     "Milo seems cheeky" Jeno chuckled remembering the stories he overheard throughout the weeks leading up to the current moment, he wanted nothing more than to meet the small creature that brought a smile to m/n's face with such ease, the same way he used to before he fucked things up, he stopped himself from ever getting involved with the conversations, it was to hard to be apart of them, of m/n's life, he needed time away.

     Or so he thought.

     "He has the kindest eyes, just like yours" m/n kindly pointed out taking his last little bit of energy left within him, so he could look Jeno in his eyes, he needed to face his fears, he needed to see him, he missed having him so close, he just wanted to take a second to happily cherish the moment before Jeno eventually slipped through his fingers.

     "Tell me more about him" Jeno encouraged noticing the signs of m/n slowly soothing himself, he could form sentences, his breathing became regular, almost even, his lips faintly curving into a smile, body relaxing, he seemed to mirror a fraction of what he was before the events unfolded ── Jeno sat there for half an hour allowing m/n to rave over the kitten, he watched intently as the features upon m/n started to soften, love replacing anything negative, the world finally seemed to be right, now his friend was building himself back up, Jeno knew it would take a few days to fully recuperate, but he was calm.

     And he was safe.

     The silence had soon replaced their chatter, m/n was feeling more steady on his feet, a string of fluttered winds gave them a break from the warmth, both needed the fresh air that it provided them, however now that the topic had died down, it left a clear view of the situation at hand, the one that they had been avoiding for months, both knew this was the perfect timing to bring light to the looming elephant in the room, although neither seemed to have the courage to speak first on the matter.

     "Um, you should get back, your break is about to end, I don't want you to get in trouble for being late, thank you for sitting with me" m/n attempted to downplay the bubbling tension, he expected Jeno to jump at his words, to return to the place he needed to be, yet the blue haired male shrugged, stretching out his legs before standing, holding out his hand, earning a raised brow from m/n, who reluctantly held onto it, standing at the slight, soft pull.

     "I want to go for a walk first" Jeno admitted, m/n puffed out his cheeks rolling his eyes, pulling his hand back from the other's loose grasp.

     "Lee Jeno, go back to work!" m/n lightly ordered pushing the male, trying to trigger him into moving into the right direction, however he stood his ground, wrapping an arm securely around m/n's waist pulling him the way he wanted to go, m/n was too caught up in the small action to protest, his sense coming back when it was far too late, cherry blossoms were in full bloom as the pair lazily walked the street making sure not to stray too far from the building, the small change in scenery was nice.

     "m/n, I think us talking is more important, I don't think I can focus if I don't get things off my chest" Jeno admitted removing his arm, shoving his hands into the depths of his short's pockets, his eyes not being able to meet the other's, m/n thankful that all eyes weren't on him, he would cave under the pressure, he would expose all the secrets he had yet to spill, the moment he met those tender features.

     Jeno had some weird power over him.

     "What could we possibly talk about that is more important then your job, Jeno?" m/n inquired, avoiding the topic one last time before he could no longer hide from it, he used the looming comeback to try to shift the conversation, he knew that there was enough stress without Jeno being late because he wanted to talk about something that wasn't as necessary as keeping his job, he loved being an idol but if he was reckless it could be taken from him instantly.

     "Us, m/n, that is more important than my job, making sure you get answers is more important, right now I can name a million things that is more important to me" Jeno argued coming to a halt, m/n turned to face him with a small almost inaudible scoff.

     "Us? there's an us? since when has there been an us? we haven't been an us for months and now you're all of a sudden ready to tell me why?" m/n challenged folding his arms, an ounce of anger laid behind the words that fell from his lips, Jeno kept his cool expecting a lot worse of an reaction to his words, he deserved a lot more anger then what m/n was currently giving him.

     "It was a dick move to ignore you and I hate myself for it, but can I explain?" Jeno questioned, m/n felt a pang of guilt hit his heart, the moment he saw Jeno's expression drop, a hint of sadness residing within his words, m/n never wanted to see the blue haired male sad, it was something that haunted his nightmares, the male sighed but shortly nodded, he watched the other smile before taking a long drawn out breath, nodding his head almost as if he was doing some weird self support.

     "It's no excuse for how I have been acting recently, for that I am sorry, but the thing is, the reason why I haven't allowed myself to be around you is because I am in love with you, when you walk into the room my mind goes blank, my heart races and all I can think about is you, I thought maybe if I tore myself from your side, things would be easier, that my feelings would subside, that I didn't have to ruin our friendship because of my stupid feelings, that maybe it would sort itself out in some weird fucking way, I couldn't risk our friendship" Jeno passionately ranted taking a second to study m/n reaction, a smile tugging at the male's face, all he wanted was to know what he did wrong, and now knowing the answer, it felt like a dream.

     One he never wanted to wake up from.

     "Lee Jeno, love is not a stupid feeling, although if you did ruin our friendship I think boyfriends would be a better substitute than being friends, don't you?" m/n had enough of dancing around the feelings they both obviously shared, he was sick of the ignorance on both sides, he just wanted the other back, Jeno's expression formed one of shock until it quickly turned into one of pure happiness.

     "You want to be boyfriends?" Jeno asked hoping his ears weren't failing him, m/n's energy matching Jeno's.

     "Only if you want to" m/n eagerly braced himself for the answer still not a hundred percent sure that this was actually happening and not some kind of realistic dream sequence.

     "Yes, god I would love that" Jeno practically screamed as he quickly picked up m/n spinning him slightly, his lips stretched ear to ear, small tears forming in the corner of his eyes, the male placed a hand upon Jeno's cheeks using his thumb to wipe them free as he was safely placed back onto solid ground, still feeling his now boyfriend's arms securing themselves around his waist.

    "Why are you crying, love?" M/n lovingly chuckled.

     "Because this is all I have wanted for so long, now it's happening I am really fucking happy" Jeno explained, m/n threw his arms around the male holding him tightly, a small fond laugh escaped his lips, as he swayed them side to side, until Jeno lightly pulled away the second his ringing phone disturbed them, shortly m/n's started to ring.

     "You need to get back, come on" m/n took a hold of the blue haired male's hand dragging him in the direction of the building, the room was quiet, pushing open door all eyes had fallen onto them, the boys were packing, a hopeful sign that they had a much needed break from the hell they had forced upon themselves, their eyes drifting to the pairs hands holding onto each other, the duo looked down with a giddy feeling flowing through their bodies.

     "Fucking finally" Haechan's voice boomed from the corner of the room, the entire place erupted with laughter, it was now obvious that everyone could read them faster than the pair originally did.

     "What's happening? what's with the calls?" Jeno asked.

     "We have a two day break, our manger needs to tend to some family business" Mark explained, m/n knew that was his chance to have Jeno all to himself, the said male faced him with hopeful eyes, clearly already thinking of the same thing.

     "Take me to see Milo please" Jeno pleaded, not needing much convincing m/n happily agreed not planning to let him go for the next two days the moment he stepped into his apartment, he could've guessed that the blue haired man would have no objection to the matter.

     Dream or not, m/n was going to cherish every single moment this lasted.

love arden . . . repost from my
old dream book before i  made
this one <3