five
"lila garcia"

—

—

   "I'M NOT HUNGRY."

   LYNN NIBBLED on a piece of the perfectly cooked chicken Bobby had just prepared a few minutes ago, and glanced up to the depressed looking Buck. He had just lost his first person, a young boy that was too scared to grab ahold of Buck's hand while on a roller coaster ride that went all wrong. Lynn felt incredibly bad, knowing the feeling all too well.

   "This is America, Buckaroo," Chimney responded to the sad statement of the golden retriever. "Eating has nothing to do with being hungry."

   Lynn saw Buck's gaze drop to the food, but he looked completely uninterested in the tasty barbecue chicken nor the salty asparagus.

   "Man, I was right there," Buck shook his head, fiddling with an empty coffee mug he had in one hand. "You know, all he had to do was reach up and grab my hand."

   "People do funny things at times like that, sometimes they just freeze up."

   Lynn started to bite into the side of her cheek, another small tick she has whenever she gets nervous. She hoped, prayed really, even though she doesn't believe in the big guy, that she wouldn't have to go into great detail about potentially losing someone.

   "I've never lost anyone before," Buck murmured, and Lynn glanced over to the sad expression riddled on his face. "Does it get any easier?"

   "No."

   Everyone seemed to glance over to Lynn as she firmly stated, and after realizing she replied to the question much quicker than anyone else, she mentally facepalmed.

   "You lost someone?" Buck asked, his tone still sounding a bit sad, and Lynn cleared her throat as if a piece of food was stuck.

   "Uh, yeah," Lynn answered simply, digging her silver fork into a piece of asparagus, mostly so she would avoid anyone's eye contact. "You do realize I was a paramedic for two years, right? I lost my fair share of people."

   "Look, people die, and that's part of the gig, right? See, your problem is, you're looking at every job like it's a long-term relationship," Chimney spoke up, and Lynn silently thanked him for helping change the spotlight form her. "They're one-night stands, man. In that moment, they mean everything to you, but once the morning comes...it's on to the next one."

   "I feel like there was a better way to phrase that," Lynn chuckled, pointing her fork over towards Chimney, who was sitting across from her.

   "Hey!"

   Everyone glanced over to Hen, who the voice had belonged too, and spotted Athena trailing softly behind the paramedic. Lynn sent the woman a small smile, which she happily returned. But when Buck's eyes landed on the police officer, he rolled his blue eyes and let out a soft sigh.

   "Hope you guys don't mind, I brought some company to family dinner," Hen brightly smiled, and Lynn could see just how close Athena and her must be. "Athena's going through some, uh, some stuff at home, so she could use some TLC."

   Chimney got up from his seat at the dining table to move where Athena had just entered, giving her a quick side hug before returning back to his warm plate of food.

   "Well, we don't usually allow cops at secret firehouse meetings, but, uh, I'll make an exception," Bobby smiled towards the woman, and it almost seemed like his glance lingered a bit longer than what was necessary, and a small smirk grew on Lynn's face.

   "Alright," Athena grinned towards the captain, giving him another small sideways hug. "Appreciate that. Well, Evelynn, how's your first couple of shifts going here?" Athena questioned, and he held out her arm over the full table, and instantly Lynn rose to her feet to grip ahold of the woman's hand.

   And holy hell that woman can shake.

   "Please, call me Lynn. And well, so far, I haven't wanted to rip anyone's heads off," Lynn chuckled, making everyone else around her let out a small laugh. "No, no, it's great, actually. I think it's a nice place."

   "Oh, no need to lie to me!" Athena hollered loudly, making everyone laugh even louder than before. And lastly, her eyes laid on the only person that had yet to talk or laugh, Buck. "Oh, well. You know, I ain't sold
on you yet, but...I think keeping me from getting shot deserves a second chance."

    Buck's eyes glanced from Athena's eyes, down to the hand she was holding out for him, and then back up at her. Lynn almost thought for a second he was going to reject her handshake, and she wondered what type of hellfire Athena would bring down on him. But after a hesitant moment, Buck took the woman's hand into his.

   "Hey, there won't be a third, though," Athena joked, and then Buck switched from her over to Lynn sitting beside him, and there was the smallest of smiles stretched out on his face.

   "Buck here is having a little trouble moving on from a call that didn't go his way," Bobby explained, and Lynn rose up from her seat to grab the coffee pot that was sitting on the counter, halfway full of the dark liquid.

    She moved back over to her seat, pouring herself some more, and then slowly started to top everyone's mug off, earning soft thank you's from them as they went on.

   "Oh, you know why they make us
wear these uniforms, right?" Athena questioned, and Lynn glanced over her shoulder back at the police officer who was now sitting down with a plate of food in front of her. "Cops, firefighters, paramedics?"

   "Uh, sex appeal?" Chimney questioned, and as everyone was now being seated at the table quietly, they let out a few laughs.

   "So, people can easily identify us," Buck spoke up, and Lynn wanted to comment on how the man seemed like a little boy too entirely shy to say the answer with an affirmative voice.

   "Both true, but it's also for our own good," Athena explained, and Lynn took a sip of her warm coffee as she started to listen more carefully to her words. "Because when we take the uniform off at the end of the day, it symbolizes letting go of all of the sad, crazy, inhumane things we've seen that day."

   Lynn sent the woman a grateful smile, knowing that her words did in fact make some part of her feel better about it. About being able to face those who's see's lost, or could lose in the potential future.

   "I see his face every time I close my eyes," Buck stated, and Lynn popped her jaw at the awkward silence that had taken over the group. "That happen to you guys?"

   "It'll pass."

•••

   "Hey."

    Lynn poked her head into the locker rooms, seeing that same disappointed, sad boy who thought he lost the only job he cared for. Buck hadn't been his usual cheerful self for the previous shift or two, and she only assumed it was because the boy from the carnival was glued to the back of his head.

   "I let Bobby down."

   "Well, looks like there's no awkward ice to break through to get this guy to start talking about his feelings..."

   "I don't think you did," Lynn commented, and just as soon as she sat down nicely on the red bench, Buck bounced up from his. She was almost worried that because she decided to come in here, that he was annoyed she was being so pushy. Buck sucked in a deep breath, and the slammed his back against the metal lockers as he exhaled. "Sorry, I know it's not my place, I could leave if—"

   "—A year ago, I put in to be a Navy SEAL."

    Just as Lynn rose from her comfortable spot on the bench, thinking the boy just wanted to be alone with his thoughts and she was just bothering him, he interrupted her.

   "I didn't know you were in the Navy," Lynn stated, placing her butt back on the cold metal.

   "I wasn't," Buck shook his head, and then Lynn tilted her head off to the side a bit, confused in which direction this story was going to lead. "Don't have to be in the Navy to try out for the SEALs. You just have to be particularly badass, which you know, I am."

   All while Buck was talking, he slowly made his way back over to the bench Lynn was sitting at. He rose one leg over the bar, quickly followed by the other, and then placed himself directly beside her body. They arms gazed upon each other, and Lynn strictly focused herself on listening to his story rather than thinking about the butterflies that crossed her stomach.

   "Didn't have any trouble with the physical part," Buck explained, and he rose his eyes from staring at the floor to meet with Lynn's. "Following orders wasn't my best quality, but hey, I was working on it."

   "Why didn't you go through with it?"

   "They wanted machines. People who could, uh, flip a switch in their head and turn off every natural, human instinctive emotion in their body, and I cannot do that," Buck stated, shaking his head as he continued. "I don't, I don't want to do that. I love this job because I
get to be the tough guy, but I also get to help people."

   Lynn meet eye contact with Buck as he finished his small rant about the Navy, and she didn't blame him. If they asked her to ignore every human emotion she had, she wouldn't be able to get the job done.

   "Remember the first person you lost?"

   Lynn's gaze fell from Buck's as soon as he popped the question, and apart of her just wanted to say no. No, I couldn't remember who it was. No, I didn't really care about it. She wanted every part of her self to just ignore what she was feeling, and to just mutter the words 'I'm fine'.

   After a second of silence, Buck seemed to take an answer to his question. And right as he was about to give up in questioning Lynn, she spoke up.

   "Her name was Lila Garcia."

   Buck raised his eyes from staring at his messy hands fiddling with each other to Lynn, mostly because her voice seemed less professional and more emotional.

   "She was twelve, riding this cute silver bike home from school. She always stopped at her neighbors house, she would pick these adorable yellow flowers for her mother," Lynn continued, but she didn't dare look up to make eye contact with Buck, surely knowing that something would swell up in her eyes and she would only embarrass herself. "And one day, she did her regular stop, picked them up, and just as soon as she was about to say goodbye...a car flew by. They, uh, were aiming for the neighbor, but Lila was caught in the middle."

   Buck's gaze faded a bit as he realized how sad the story was getting, and he softly placed his palm on Lynn's thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She swallowed whatever feelings she had, and then let out a sigh.

   "She got a bullet in the shoulder, and it wouldn't have killed her if...if the damn neighbor just left her be," Lynn shook her head, a small ounce of anger flowed throughout her veins. "When I got there, she had lost so much blood but I was determined to make sure this little girl made it home."

   "I'm sorry," Buck stated, his once sad expression was now replaced with a more pitiful one. "You can't blame yourself."

   No matter how many times Lynn heard those words, no matter how many times she was told there was nothing she could've possibly done. She always felt like they were wrong, that Lynn should've been able to stop the bleeding, that the little girl should've made it home to her mommy.

   "Her last words to me, they were, 'Give my mommy the flowers," Lynn nibbled on the inside of her cheek, and she was almost proud of herself for getting the story out without choking. "You know, Evan, I'm glad you can't...you can't flip that humanity switch. Losing people hurts, but you need to accept the pain, you can't just ignore it."

   Buck nodded beside the girl, taking her advice for a moment. Then, Lynn reached inside the pocket of her pants, pulling out a slightly bent card that Bobby had given her to pass along to Buck.

    "Bobby said you should have this, it's a number to a therapist," Lynn explained, passing on the white piece of card to Buck, who hesitantly took it.

   "Thanks, Eve, for the talk," Buck sputtered a bit, a hint of awkwardness written in his voice, and Lynn let the smallest of smiles reach her face. She was happy she wasn't the only one who could be clumsy in the situation.

   "Anytime, Buckaroo."

a/n: ahhh this scene is so adorable🥺