this story will contain trigger warning!

this is an edit, i got a message from wattpad saying it was listed as suicidal even tho this doesn't talk about that topic once. the cover image used to be a picture of Karma with a gun which got listed as self harm.

please not that I DO NOT PROMOTE eating disorders! you are all beautiful people and you shouldn't want to change yourself for society's messed up standards! this story is just meant to talk about the issue and show what it's like to struggle through this. if you also go through the same issues please please seek help! i love every one of you guys

(Y/N)'s POV:

i hate mirrors. yet, even so, i find myself staring at one for hours upon hours a day. why is that?

people walk into a bathroom to look in the mirror, expecting to find those small insecurities. we spending hours looking for imperfections so we can add those to the list of why we're not perfect. but, we always miss the big picture. we don't look in the mirror and see ourselves as a whole.

society says that everyone is beautiful. that you should love yourself no matter what. whether you're skinny, or a bit heavier. whether you're a boy, girl, or somewhere in between. whether you like boys, girls, both, all, or none. whether you have dark hair, or light hair. dark skin, or light. love yourself. you're beautiful with a kind soul. someone loves you and cares for you, even if it doesn't feel that way.

so how come, i know all this... yet i still hate myself? i know i'm not the ugliest person out there, but i'm not pretty. when you ask someone, "who's the prettiest person in class or who's the prettiest person in our school?" my name is never called.

looking at myself in the mirror again. why am i crying? it's useless. as babies, we did it for attention. as kids, we did it to make our parents feel bad or we hit our ankle bones against a razor scooter. but as teenagers, we cry in the showers, in front of mirrors, in the school bathrooms, actually anywhere in school, but especially in our beds. we cry in our beds when we can't sleep. we cry until we physically have nothing left to cry. we cry until we can't remember why it started in the first place.

we cry so silently so no one can hear.

i've never really wanted to have kids. it sounds painful, and a waste of time. your percentage of sleep you get goes down 59% every time you have a child. i'd be a bad mom too. i can't even care for myself, what makes me think i could care for another? to give my life meaning? i don't care. i've never even liked kids that much.

however, if i did have a kid when i get older, i pray they wouldn't end up like me. imagining my child in their bedrooms at nighttime, crying themselves to sleep hurts.

i want surgery.

i remember when i was 10, my friend showed me the song "mrs. potato head" by Melanie Martinez. i remember thinking, "i'm never going to get surgery. it looks so scary. i'm happy with how i look."

haha.

how time changes people. i remember how i used to think down on those who get plastic surgery. thinking it was stupid because you should just love yourself for who you are. and here i am, 14 years old, wanting plastic surgery.

eyelid surgery? fat removal surgery? nose job? face slimmer? i need it all. i just want to be pretty. but, what happens if you actually achieve that goal? you'll start wanting more. it'll never be enough. makes me want to just give up. why bother if, i'll just end up wanting more.

well obviously you'll start to think bigger. at first it's just losing a bit of weight, but then once you achieve it, you think "wow i could actually do it. i'm going to push myself to try harder this time." but it just keeps going.

i hate myself.

i will never love myself. or even like myself.

and i'm okay with that. even as a kid, i never loved myself. i've gotten used to it. it's familiar. it's something i know. i can't push myself to like myself, especially as i am.

i'm messed up, and think that if i'm pretty, people will like me. but people who judge off of appearances are bad people. the type who'll break your heart and make you feel more insecure than before. maybe i'm that desperate at this point.

my personality isn't that great either. i'm just that depressed kid. i don't know anymore. i've lost myself. it's sad that i care more about my appearance than my grades at this point. i want someone to be able to agree to this.

i know that no matter who says it or how people say it to me or how they say it, i will never like myself until i'm pretty. because in reality, i don't want to change. i don't want to give up on becoming pretty. i am going to continue to try until i'm pretty.

but i don't know anymore. it's so hard. i don't know I  can do it still. I want to love myself but i can't unless i'm pretty. i need plastic surgery so i can be pretty. maybe i'll just become a stripper since i don't have good grades. oh yea, that's right you have to be pretty for that.

boys.

boys never like me. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not someone who attracts any sort of attention. especially, from boys. they say i should be thin, with long legs and pale skin. straight hair with big pretty eyes. but what if i'm not all that? will no one love me then?

who cares lol.

well, me of course.

i've given up. i will never love myself unless i'm pretty.

"hey (Y/N)?"

"h-huh?" i quickly shut the small pocket mirror i had into my skirt pocket. i wiped off my eye, since it had been tearing up. i don't want people to see me cry. it shows that i'm a weak being who's vulnerable. crying isn't pretty.

i didn't know who called out to me, but i had only looked up from the sound of hearing my name. when no one seemed to reply, i guess i must have misheard. taking out my small mirror again to look at my face and all it's imperfections waiting to be sought at.

that was until someone grabbed my mirror out of my hands. "hey!"

"i'm talking to you, you know?" i looked up to see Karma, who was standing in front of my desk. oh him.

he sits next to me, in the back. all the girls think he's cute, and i'll be honest he is. he's just out of my reach. i'd never attract someone like him.

he's tall, handsome, has good grades, attractive voice, talented, confident, and has almost nothing to be self conscious about. i wish i was like him. i'd rather be cocky and self absorbed than insecure and alone.

"hey (Y/N), i never noticed this until now, mainly because i never really paid much attention to you-"

he started to say as he suddenly leaned again my desk, and looked closely at my face.
of course you never paid attention to me. i'm me. i'm not anything special. i get it, so you can stop reminding me about it thanks.

"look at me."

i looked up with my blank expression, i hated looking someone in the eyes. it made me uncomfortable since i felt like i could feel them looking at all my insecurities.

"did i ever tell you, that you're really pretty?"

"haha, no wait i'm sorry. my bad, i'm kidding."

"what i really meant to say is, did i ever tell you that you're gorgeous?"

"did i ever tell you that lying is a sin?"
i asked him.

"what do you prefer? beautiful? adorable? cute? precious? doesn't matter to me they all work."

"do you like to lie?"

hope_less

i want to lose weight smh
i want to get surgery
i want to have long pretty legs
i want someone to love me
i want be pretty
i want to love myself
i want to die.

sometimes.

i didn't read this over cause it's 3 in the morning and i haven't slept in for the past 4 days yay.

date: May 16, 2020
word count: 1,343 words
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more like body counts: 69