25
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I met Dante's eyes. His hadn't the slightest glint of a question in them unlike theirs. He saw the bags around me and knew what they meant.

"Mi wah talk to yuh before yuh go," with that, he walked up the stairs.

I glanced at the others before following him up.

He closed the door behind me. "Yuh know you doh have to go, right? We all like you. If yuh feel a typa way cuh you nuh paying—"

"No, it's not—I..." I sighed. Could I really tell him how I felt? No, he would just talk me out of it, and that's not fair to him or his roommates.

Because of my silence, he asked, "Is because of the drag queen ting?" I looked up at him. "Yeah, it was fuck up, but that is nuh the person you is today. Judging you would just make us all hypocrites, so—"

"It's... not that, it's just... I need to stay with my mother. She needs to know I'm... okay, always."

"She went back to allyuh house?"

"I dunno... but last time I went back to get my stuff... she stopped by. She didn't come inside but saw me there and left again."

"Why you feel she did go again, Jude?"

I unintentionally lowered my voice. "What are you insinuating?"

He sighed, leaning back against his desk. "Sorry, eh. I just rell like yuh, man, and ah doh feel like going back to she would be the best thing for you. She would nuh treat you—"

"I just met you. How can you possibly know what's best for me?"

"I don't know what's best for you, but—"

I chuckled humourlessly, cutting him off. "But you're acting like you do. You're acting like you know me."

"This sound like self-sabotage, Jude. To be real."

"What?"

"Yuh happy here. Everything going well, too well. Yuh doh think yuh deserve that so—"

"No, I don't think so... it's sounding like you do."

"I clearly don't, Jude. This is just what I assume you're—"

"You can't just assume that."

"Fair," he sighed. I went over to his bed and sat, looking back to see he was contemplating. He met my eyes and said, "Tell me what yuh really want."

"What's the point?" I ran my fingers through my hair before bracing my elbows on my knees. "It's not like you'd listen," I mumbled to myself.

He got up and approached me, kneeling on one knee and holding my hands as he said: "Ah listenin' to yuh. Now, for sure. Ah just want yuh to tell me what you want."

My voice came out hoarse. "I want to leave."

"Okay." He let go of a deep breath, caressing my hands with his thumbs to ask, "Yuh could tell me why?"

I shook my head. "I don't need to tell you anything..." I regretted the words the second they left my mouth, but I still continued. "I don't need to explain myself to you."

"It sounds like—sorry. Yuh right. Yuh doh owe me anything—"

I withdrew my hands. "Are you being sarcastic?"

"Ah promise you I am not. Ah being dead ass right now, Jude." I squinted at his words. "Yuh don't have to tell me anything, but I'm hoping yuh nuh planning to leave meh to assume yuh motivations. Will you please just explain why?"

I sighed and thought for a long time before getting up and going over to the balcony. I stared off into the setting sun, and when I turned back, I saw him sitting on the bed, waiting patiently.

My nose flared as I admitted, "I don't want to spoil you—"

"What?" His face matched his confusion. "How yuh could possibly—"

"Can you listen?"

"Right, sorry." He covered his grin before moving his hand to ask, "Wi dem does say? Bad habits die hard?" He chuckled, but I never shared it with him, so he wiped his face with the most stoic expression he could conjure and nodded for me to continue.

"I don't want my sickness to spread. I used to think this dark feeling within me was my... sexuality, but it was just me. I'm sick... really bad—in the head—and my days here have been a gentle relief from that, but I can feel the nastiness resurfacing. I don't want it to fully come out and ruin the great lives you all are building for yourselves." I picked at my nails. "I'm sure you can understand that."

He nodded. "Ah could."

I paused, looking up at him. "So you agree?"

"Of course not, but ah understand why you would think like that."

"Oh." I looked down and only heard him approaching before I saw his feet. He lifted my chin so that I could look up at him.

"Jude." I fell in love with how he said my name. "Yuh nuh going nowhere, cuh honestly, yuh nuh making no sense to me right now. The only way you could hurt us is by leaving, so—"

My voice was heavy. "Dante?"

"Yeah, baby?" he answered, holding my waist and pulling me against him. This made my cheeks all rosy—as it usually did—but I had to pull away and stand my ground.

"I really want to do this. I feel like I need to. Can you not talk me out of it?"

"If ah could talk you out of it, then yuh nuh really want—"

"Dante, please."

He nodded. "Okay."

He had his hair tied back today, so his eyes were on full display. I think he looked better like this, and I didn't fail to notice that when I told him so, he wore it more often.

I licked my lips and asked, "Can I kiss you?"

"Of course." And with that, I held his face and gently placed my lips on his, inhaling all he was to savour every sensation of the moment. The softness, the warmth, the scent; everything about him made my legs weak. I hated to leave him, but I had to for his sake. 

I was suddenly choked with tears, pulling away to avert those honeyed eyes. "No, no, no," he consoled, holding my face with concern ridden on his. "You're alright, baby. Remember, the choice is always yours."

"I know," I cried. "But it's the right thing to do."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"Okay." He nodded, pulling my head to his chest in a tight embrace. I hugged him back, sobbing into his leather jacket and feeling his large hands hold me. "Ah could at least drop yuh home?"

"Sure," I replied, regaining some composure, but not enough to tear myself from his comfort just yet. "But first, we'll have to make a stop."

★・・・・・・★

"Never mind then," Rave chuckled.

"Rave," Dante scolded. "Maintain yuh focus, nah. Is here?"

"Yes, obviously, but uh... Jude?" the guy started, leaning on the passenger seat, which was where I sat. "They are technically my patient, so I'm required to ask... you won't try any funny business, right?"

"Come nah, man, Rave. Wuh kinda mad ting you ah ask the man?" Dante placed a hand on my knee. "Don't mind him, baby. Yuh doing da right thing."

"Right," I muttered.

Dante found a spot to park, and we approached the hospital. It was time to face them—the drag queen. I stood aside and watched Rave flirt with the receptionist. Dante chuckled before going to remind him of our intentions.

Rave led us to the room, and I couldn't help but feel nervous. That nervousness couldn't compare, however, to the skin-searing fear I felt when I saw the person.

They laid there, eyes closed, body hooked up to machines. It had happened months ago, but they remained in that position.

I had done this to them.

I stood over them, and when they opened their eyes, the fear solidified before exploding within me. They had one eye; the other was now white. They glared at me with that one eye, knowing exactly who I was and what I had done.

Their eyes weren't the scariest part of them or the fact they were yet to mutter a word. It was the realization that I had not only hit them with my car but also run him over afterwards, and he survived. He was still here, but he was... still here.

"I'm sorry," I tried and was met with nothing. I turned to Rave. "Can he speak?"

"Of course I can."

My eyes shot back to him. "I—"

"Why did you come here, Jude?"

"I just wanted to—" My eyes shot wide. "You know my name?"