Hey. I know I've been on and off with my activity here, and I did that thing where I unpublish all my books again. I am working on some stuff I just haven't quite been able to force myself to finish plotting anything out.

Today I just kind of felt like rambling to you guys about some stuff that's been on my mind. Some of it has been in the back there for a while and other stuff might be more impulsive. I'm writing this at night so who can even say where we'll end up going with this.

The world kind of sucks, doesn't it? I mean, go figure, I think everyone has said that before. But I don't know, it just makes it hard to... exist. I don't want to think humans are bad and terrible but it seems like there's always some new awful thing popping up in the news or YouTube that sends me right down that spiral again. This is why I don't read you guys' announcements here as much or watch the actual news and try to stop scrolling if my Pinterest feed devolves into that stuff. Because it's not that I don't care, if anything it's that I care too much. It hurts me, so badly, to read or hear about suffering and not be able to do anything about it.

Come to think of it I guess that's why I like getting to be the super special chosen hero in video games huh. But in real life I'm just... not. I have social anxiety that makes it hard to leave the house, and a heart condition as well as allergies that make it hard for me to do a ton of physical activity. And money or talents to share? Forget about it. There's just nothing useful I can do for anybody. I wouldn't even be able to mentally or physically defend myself. Not that I know if I'd care if something bad happened to me. I mean, I'm sure I would care in the exact moment, but you get what I mean.

You know, a long time ago, there was some drama I suppose you could call it, around Aeris Akamatsu. I really looked up to them. I thought their videos were interesting and their fangan was a genuinely enjoyable read. But if you knew them you probably know about some of the really unkind things they've said to or about people. I won't repeat any of it here but basically they were very aggressive towards cis people and Kokichi fans as well. You might now remember that I am a Kokichi fan.

I keep going back and forth about how I feel about it all, even through it was a while ago. At the time this was all happening I wasn't directly involved (I'm still not) so I just kept quiet as I observed from the sidelines. I genuinely felt inspired by them, and yet I also felt like an outlier or even unwanted just for liking Kokichi. But despite that I initially decided in my head that what they said wasn't really so bad and had no qualms about accepting their apology for their behaviour. I'm not entirely sure, but I feel like looking back this was probably some form of rationalising since I didn't want to think bad thoughts about someone I looked up to.

And I'm not saying everything they did was just absolutely horrible. They've called out important issues and shouted out underrated Danganronpa characters, which is great. They and one of their fans have even taught me some things about Asian culture, like certain things not to call an Asian person (because it's I believe a slur of sorts or at the very least in extremely poor taste) and the war and dislike between Japan and Korea. All I'm saying is hurts to think back on all the good things I felt being tainted by the realisation that someone you look up to is actually hurtful.

It honestly almost feels like the way I've read about abusive relationships being described. Aeris would like my comments and sometimes heart them even or reply. This made me feel liked and comfortable being around on the channel. But then they would say something mean about Kokichi fans or cis people, which would, of course, immediately rub me the wrong way even if I wasn't technically the intended target of it. So despite liking their content I would always come away from a video binge feeling confused and sometimes straight up like I was a bad person for existing the way I do. I never felt comfortable sharing my opinions unless I agreed with whatever Aeris had been talking about, because I knew from observation that saying I liked Kokichi invited the chance of them deciding they didn't like me and of course I didn't want that (honestly I'm starting to wonder if Aeris is responsible for my shift to thinking my being cis is a bad thing because I don't remember ever coming to that conclusion before watching their channel).

However, there was one YouTuber who made me feel safe and determined to try and become more confident: DanganMandy. If you didn't know, like a month or so I want to say before she got called out, Mandy made a video talking about problems with shipping in the Danganronpa fandom. I actually got my comment featured in that video. And you know what Mandy said to me, after reading that I was feeling sad and scared because I didn't think it was safe to share the ships or even characters I like (thanks to Aeris honestly I think now)?

"Florapetals, you're great, and you have my full support for whatever ships you have or whatever characters you have. Don't be scared to let people know who you like because we're all supportive on this channel."

And do you know how much of a gut punch it is to go back and listen to that clip knowing about the things Mandy did behind the scenes? At the time I couldn't have been happier. I mean, my comment not only got noticed, but I received nothing but genuine care and support to boot. Now though, it's... bittersweet, I guess. I still want to better myself, because I know self-confidence is something I need to work on. And I want to believe that she was being genuine, even if she made some poor decisions in the past. It's all just so confusing, you know? And just like with Aeris I didn't speak up about anything when the cat came out of the bag. I wasn't involved anyway, and I was just so... shocked that I didn't know what to think about being featured in their video. I still kind of don't.

Jeeze, this is getting really long, I should probably wrap it up I guess. I made the decision to unsubscribe from both channels, if you were curious. I've just had this story sitting in the back of my mind for a while and finally decided I wanted to share it with somebody now that things have died down and I feel like I've at least processed what happened. You have to take the bandage off sometime, right?

If you think I should make a video about all this, maybe I will, but only if I see some interest/support for it. Wattpad is less stressful to get personal on as even though I have more followers I'm not really afraid of you guys attacking me or something. But if someone with a better understanding of my ramblings thinks it's important than I'd be willing to believe them. Thanks for always being here for me. I appreciate it so much more than you could ever know.

Take care of yourselves loves.