Another day, another settlement needing the help from the Minutemen. More specifically from a certain vault dweller. He was informed that a large number of raiders were spotted all over the Thicket Excavations. With a long sigh of contempt, he made his way to the quarry and started taking down any raider he saw. Halfway down the excavation, with several dead bodies in his wake, he asks himself one simple question.

(Y/n): HOW MANY OF YOU SHRIVEL DICK BRAIN DEAD COCK SUCKING SISTER RAPING INBRED NO NUT HAVING PIPE WEAPON USING NO CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY AUTISTIC LOOKING IMMORAL HEPATITIS GETTING DUCK MOLESTING ASSHOLE RAIDERS ARE THERE!?

One of many questions that will haunt him till the end of time.

He quickly stands up from behind some railings and fires a few shots at a some raiders from across the quarry. One drops dead, but the others soon return fire. Forcing (y/n) to duck back down. He switches over to his rocket launcher that he's had since the Back Street Apparel scene. Standing back up, he takes aim and launches his only rocket at the raiders. With a whoosh and a boom, the two or three out of fifty shooting at him are consumed in the explosion. Spending the only shot, he stores away his forty pound launcher into his back pocket and goes back to the rifle. Looking down to the bottom, he spots a familiar face rushing to a crap shack close by.

(Y/n): Hey, Sully! I never did ask what you were gonna use this place for! I guess this answers my question though!

Sully: Go to hell, you blue suit wearing asshole!

(Y/n): Wow, that was rude. Well, I guess I have to kill him.

He pulls out a grenade and tosses it into an entry leading further down. It bounces around a corner with a clatter until someone shouts.

Raider: Oh hell!

An explosion reverberates from the entryway as rocks, trash, and limbs fly out. With that taken care of, (y/n) rushes in as he continues to descend. Dealing with even more raiders and dogs, he finally makes it to the bottom and sees the poorly made shack across the way.

(Y/n): Your sorry ass is SO lucky I ran out of explosives!

A barrel of a rifle pokes out of a crack from the shack. Moving quick, (y/n) takes cover behind a slab of rock as bullets begin to fly towards him. Now, as the bullets are whizzing past, the sound of the gunfire catches his attention. It wasn't a combat rifle, and it sure as hell wasn't a pipe rifle. After years of military training, he is able to discern what Sully was shooting at him with. And he wants that gun now.

Emptying the assault rifle, Sully pulls out the magazine and slaps in a new one. As he gets ready to take aim, (y/n) suddenly crashes through the wall and tackles down Sully.

(Y/n): GIMME!!

He pushes the raider boss across the shack until he crashes into the opposite wall. Wind knocked out of his lungs, Sully has the rifle yanked out of his hands and thrown across the floor. He quickly pulls out a combat knife and tries to take a swing at (y/n). The offending arm is caught mid swing as the dweller swings a fist at Sully. Only for it to be caught as well.

The two are stuck in a stalemate for several seconds until (y/n) slams his head forward and head butts Sully. Breaking the raider's nose. As his head whips back in pain, his grip on the knife loosens as it is soon yanked out of his hand. In one swift motion, (y/n) embeds the knife into Sully's temple. All the way to the hilt.

Quickly stepping back, he just watches as the bloodied raider boss stumbles around trying to reach for the knife planted in his skull. Not long after, Sully finally topples over dead. No longer paying attention to the dead guy, (y/n) walks over to the assault rifle and picks it up like a new born baby.

(Y/n): Hohohohohoohoooooo! You are just the most precious thing ever! I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and pat him and pet him and rub him and caress him and-My God, I'm actually losing my mind.

Leaving behind the corpse, (y/n) makes his way out of the excavation and back to Sanctuary. All the while, thinking to himself about the whole situation.

(Y/n): Why the hell am I doing all this crap by myself? Nevermind the fact I can get help from a synth detective, a news reporter, a dog, two or three robots, a supermutant with an unhealthy obsession with a Shakespeare quote, A former Gunner, a junky, an old man from an island, iron man, so on and so on. I'm the fucking general of an actual growing militia! And I'm dealing with the problems of the people asking for help from the Minutemen, WHILE they're part of the Minutemen as well?

He rants on as he steps over a burnt raider corpse.

(Y/n): Nuh uh, Charlie ain't down to fly for that! I need to do something about this...

As he walks out of the quarry, it was then that he got a brilliant idea. Possibly.

[Location: National Guard Training Yard]

Within the past week, a message has been broadcast all across the Commonwealth informing both Minutemen and settlers interested in combat training with the General. Most of the Minutemen were quick to jump on board, with some hesitation from settlers. However, with the sudden presence of the BoS, increased activity from the synths, and with raiders and supermutants becoming much more bold with their attacks, it was enough for more settlers to join in as well.

Among the crowd are a few known settlers. At least those the game developers bothered to give names to. Standing near the building is Wiseman with two other ghouls having a conversation with Daniel and Jake Finch. Lucy Abernathy, after finally convincing her father, just arrives with a small group of others along with Roger Warwick. And many others in the hopes of learning how to properly defend themselves and their settlements.

Standing outside the armory, Preston Garvey and Ronnie Shaw stand at attention as they wait for their General.

Ronnie: In all honesty, this is the right call. Giving these little greenhorns some actual training will give us both a genuine force and more recruits for the Minutemen.

Preston: It's actually a nice change of pace. I haven't seen the General this serious since the whole bobby pin incident.

Ronnie: The what?

Preston: You don't want to know.

As the two converse, the door to the armory opens up as (y/n) steps out and catches their attention. They see he is sporting the Minutemen general's uniform for this special ocation. They follow close behind as he makes his way to the front of the crowd. Any conversations they had are cut short as they spot him approaching. While the settlers did nothing, most of the Minutemen quickly stand at attention to their commanding officer.

(Y/n) finally stands still as he looks over the people that arrived. Showing no facial expression what so ever. He glances over to the Finch brothers and sees them slouching a bit.

(Y/n): STAND UP STRAIGHT!

The volume of his voice catches everyone off guard. Even though the command was directed to the two brothers, it caused anyone else who thought they were slouching to correct their stance in hopes of avoiding his wrath. (Y/n) soon begins to walk back and forth in front of them.

(Y/n): Now, if you are here, that means each and every one of you has had an entire week to make your decision to be here! But just to clarify. I, along with a few more experienced Minutemen, are going to train the ever loving shit out of you! Transforming all of you from recruits and farmers to soldiers and badass farmers! However, if by some sudden change of heart that you now feel like this is not what you volunteered for, you can leave right now knowing that not only did you waste your time, you ESPECIALLY wasted ours!

He stops in his tracks and faces the crowd, waiting for anyone to leave... Besides the occasional scared look, nobody moved an inch.

(Y/n): Good! Now, let's start off with this. If any of you have brought your own weapons, take them out and hold them out in front of you!

Everyone does as they are told and reveal their weapons of choice. Pipe guns, sawed offs, pipes, wrenches, knives, and laser muskets. None of which makes (y/n) happy to see.

(Y/n): Jesus H. Bartholomew Christ. Are y'all shitting me?!

He walks over to a settler holding a lead pipe and grabs it out of his hands.

(Y/n): What is this!?

Settler: U-um-

(Y/n): It was a rhetorical question! Don't answer!

Tossing it over his shoulder, (y/n) snaps his fingers. Signalling a group of Minutemen to to walk forward with crates.

(Y/n): You will all turn in your weapons and be given guns that any self dignified baddy would be happy to die from. Form a line! That includes you, Minutemen!

Snapping to attention, they all make a line leading to the weapon crates. Trading in their weapons for combat rifles, 10mm pistols, combat knives, batons, and much more. Over to the side, Preston looks on in surprise from the display as Ronnie just sports a big smile.

Ronnie: Hohohoooo! This is gonna be fun!

[Target practice]

A firing line is formed as they take aim against target dummies. With combat and hunting rifles firing off to hit their marks, (y/n) just walks behind them as he watches.

(Y/n): Good Lord! I've seen better accuracy from a blind supermutant on guard duty!

Among the shooters, Jake bolts in another shot in his rifle and looks through the scope again. He spots something past the dummy and sees a radstag grazing what little grass there is with both its heads.

Jake: Oh hey, look! A radstag!

(Y/n): That's great, Jake. But if it's not about to charge and skewer us with its antlers, I could really give two shits about Bambi. Now get back to shooting!

He moves on as Jake tries to line up his shot again.

[Cardio]

A small group of trainees in leather armor stand around as (y/n) walks forward with Dogmeat.

(Y/n): All right, next we'll be putting your cardio to the test with the help of Dogmeat. He'll be chasing you around trying to tear you a new fuckhole.

They all look over to Dogmeat and see him laying on his back, tail wagging and tongue hanging out. Sitting there like he's waiting for a belly rub.

Lucy: Awww, look at him! He looks like he couldn't hurt a bloatfly!

(Y/n) pays no attention as he lets out a sharp whistle. Dogmeat quickly stands on all four paws, tail still wagging.

(Y/n): Get 'em.

Within an instant, Dogmeat crouches forward. Ears folded back and baring his teeth, a menacing growl emanates from his throat. This catches the group completely off guard as they slowly back away. Without a moment's hesitation, Dogmeat simply bolts towards them at break neck speed. Barking for intimidation. The group scatters all around. Not wanting to look back, but always hearing the barking as if he's right behind them. (Y/n) just watches the whole thing with a shit eating grin.

[Timeskip brought to you by chibi (y/n) and Ronnie laughing as Dogmeat chases Preston]

By the end of the day, everyone was bruised, sweating bullets, and out of breath. Dogmeat is dragging a settler by the leg in the background.

(Y/n): Ok, everyone, that's gonna be it for the day. We'll pick up from where we left off tomorrow.

A resounding grown echoes between everyone.

(Y/n): Oh wah! I'm going easy on you all compared to what I had to go through! You've all been assigned beds in this Guard Post. Be sure to thank the men and women that took the time to clean this place up and make it look less shit.

They all start filing into the building as (y/n) watches them enter.

(Y/n): 'Well, today was a shit show and a half. I'm amazed none of them accidentally killed themselves. But, practice makes perfect. And I'll be damned if I don't get something close enough!'

He soon turns around and makes his way to the armory. Deciding to turn it into his personal office for the time being.

(Y/n): Dogmeat! Let go of the settler and get inside!

[Bonus scene]

Standing in the middle of the training yard, (y/n) looks on as a song suddenly overtakes him.

(Y/n): Let's get down to business
To combat raiders!
I asked for hardened soldiers!
All I got are turds.

He makes his way over to a group doing push ups, catching their attention.

(Y/n): You're the saddest bunch I've ever met.
But you can bet before we're through.
Yes sir I'll make Minutemen out of you!

At the shooting range, recruits start shooting and missing their targets.

(Y/n): Tranquil as a forest!
But on fire within!

He stands behind Daniel and pushes his rifle up just a bit.

(Y/n): Once you find your center.

Taking the shot, Daniel actually manages to hit the dummy's shoulder.

(Y/n): You are sure to win.

He spots a Minuteman rookie climbing up a pole to escape Dogmeat.

(Y/n): You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot.
And you haven't got a clue.

He kicks the base of the pole, causing the rookie to fall to the ground with a groan.

(Y/n): Somehow I'll make Minutemen out of you.

Throughout the entire yard, everyone continues their training.

Jake: I'm never gonna catch my breath.

Wiseman: Say goodbye to those who knew me!

Daniel: Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym.

Preston: This guy's got 'em scared to death.

Roger: Hope he doesn't see right through me!

Jake: Now I really wish I knew how to swim!

Chorus: Minutemen!
(Y/n): We must be swift as a coursing river!
Chorus: Minutemen!
(Y/n): With all the force of a great typhoon!
Chorus: Minutemen!
(Y/n): With all the strength of a raging fire!
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

(Y/n): Time is racing toward us
Till the scums arrive!
Heed my every order
And you might survive!

He spots a recruit laying on the ground, breathing heavily from jogging.

(Y/n): You are slow to pace
Against the Waste.
So pack up, go home, you're through.
How could I make Minutemen out of you?

The recruit quickly gets back on his feet and returns to jogging with the others. Pushing himself a little harder.

Chorus: Minutemen!
We must be swift as a coursing river!
Minutemen!
With all the force of a great typhoon!
Minutemen!
With all the strength of a raging fire!
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!(×2)

----

A/n: Minutemen! We must be swift as a coursing river! With all the force of a great typhoon! With all the strength of a raging fire!-

CoA: Oh my Atom, do you ever plan on shutting up!?

A/n: Do you ever plan on shaving the rest of your hair off, you chemotherapy patient looking little bitch?

Near the border of the Glowing Sea, the Children of Atom drag a tied up author away from the green blistering lands.