The summer between eighth and ninth grades, I got into celebrity biographies (of course, there are trashy tabloid celebrity biographies, but there are also some good ones), and just life stories in general. So I started to think of my own life as a story - and started to think that I was progressing toward a happy ending. I found out that psychology exists. I didn't go to therapy or anything, but I gained the knowledge that if you have some issue - like not being able to talk in school - you can get over that issue by analyzing it and getting to know yourself better. So I had a very broad, nonspecific idea that not being able to talk in school was a problem that had a solution. And just knowing that helped somewhat. So, during high school, I was still too anxious to begin a conversation, but if someone talked to me first, I could talk to her. If someone asked me a question, I could answer, which was a really big improvement.

***

I went to public schools from kindergarten through eighth grade, and then I started ninth grade at a private high school where I didn't know a single person. And people kept saying, "Why don't you ever talk?"

"Why are you always so quiet?"

And I would think, "What are you talking about? I can talk now. I couldn't talk at all in middle school, but now I can. When someone asks me a question, I can answer."

***

My older brother was in twelfth grade when I was in ninth, so we were going to school together for the first time since we'd been in second grade and fifth. And it was like my very presence in his school was this huge embarrassment for him. Everything I did was stupid and wrong - the way I carried my books, the way I walked, my clothes, my hair - every little thing. And the worst thing about me was that I didn't talk very much. I really only talked when someone else talked to me first. So my brother told me I had a "superiority complex." I thought I was "better than everyone else," and I would not deign to speak to my inferiors.

***

The religion book I was given was falling apart and the first three chapters were missing. So it was considered my responsibility to "find someone to share with" until we got past the first three chapters. I couldn't find someone to share with, because I couldn't talk in school unless someone else talked to me first. So I couldn't do my homework until we got past the first three chapters, and I got a big fat F on my report card.

***

Oh no... no no... no.... My teacher has told the class to "divide into groups."

Everyone else sits with their friends. But I don't really know anyone at this school; I don't have friends.

So I find the nerdiest-looking group of girls... maybe they won't mind if I sit with them. I wouldn't presume to sit with anyone who was the least bit popular or cool... I have to find some group to divide into! Oh God help me... So I pull a desk around and edge myself into their group.

I try to talk. I do my best.

I do say one or two things. I think I've done enough.

But when the class is over, the teacher says I "wasn't participating." He asks everyone else in the group if I have "contributed," and they say I have not.

***

My French teacher told me that while I was getting an A in her class, my conduct grade would be a U. U stood for "unacceptable conduct." And I thought, "What? But people who get a U in conduct are... really badly behaved. They break the rules and get sent to the principal's office and stuff."

So she told me that when she asked me a question I always answered, and usually with the right answer, but I never raised my hand to volunteer an answer. And because of that, I deserved a U in conduct.

***

The principal told me that I never talked, and he told me why. I went to a Catholic school, and I was one of the very few non-Catholic students. So he told me that I hated Catholics, I was prejudiced against Catholics, and I refused to speak to anyone who was Catholic.