*listen to the song*

CHAPTER THREE: 
DEATH IS A RENEGADE

――――

"It can't happen and I won't let it happen. Not when I know who she is."

――――

HE NEVER WANTED THIS. It was always the thought of what-if's and imagines that made Touya decide that he would take the job. Just hours after his death, he was already asked by the Divine to become one of the Deaths that roam around the world, collecting souls and making sure they arrive safely in Eternal Rest or Punishment. But the sinful catch of being able to live on Earth again caught his attention—to be able to feel human interactions and warmth around his cold soul was all he ever needed.

The Divine gave him time to think about the offer. He was only asked to collect 50 souls and once the 50th was collected, he'd be granted the chance of reincarnation—to live another life with another name. But if he decides to give this chance to another soul (specifically, the one he collected), then he would be one of Death forever; never to return to the Living and never earning Eternal Rest. Most of the Senior Deaths told him that the last soul collected would always be the hardest as the Divine would make them choose between selfishness and selflessness.

He could feel his hands tremble as he thought about her again. The blood that was flowing through his veins, if it was even blood at all, felt painful and terrible as if he had just killed other people's chances of another life by sending them to where they belong. He had been selfish to see that the souls he had taken—young or old—still had people waiting for them and yet, he collected them without hesitation. So, why would he hesitate now? Why is he hesitating to send her to her Eternal Rest and go back to Earth?

Would it be that selfish?

Dabi found himself staring at (your name)'s figure sleeping in her hospital bed. Her body had been slowly declining the medicine they were giving her, the chemicals slowly poisoning her insides. But they don't know that, do they? Mortals think they're trying to ease pain by giving them false hopes when it's obvious that it's not doing anything. Maybe, for others, it works but for her, it's too late—this is the second time she's been attacked by the same sickness. And second times always mean they come back worse than the last. His fingers slowly touched her cheek, running it over to her hair, gently patting her head. (Your name) groaned as she scrunched her face and flickered her eyelids open. "You're here early..." she mumbled as she gave him a smile.

The sides of his face moved upwards as he smiled back. "Yeah... I need to talk to you," he said as he sat on the chair next to her bed. The female slowly sat up as her face showed a confused expression. "About what, exactly?" Watching her made his heart burn as much as it did yesterday. "Do you believe in reincarnations?" Dabi asked with a small smirk plastered on his face. "Excuse me?" (Your name) let out a laugh as she shook her head at the question. "You scared me for a moment there, Dabi."

As the girl finally finished laughing, Dabi cocked his eyebrows. "Well?"

"Wait, you're actually going to talk about that?" her tone was higher than usual. "That's unusual of you to talk about..."

"I just want to know your opinion," Dabi smiled as he watched her put herself into a thinking position. "Give me a situation. My brain is fried. I can't think." She said while she blows a gust of wind out of her system, closing her eyes and opening them to see Dabi nodding slightly. "Let's say, I had the chance to live my life again but I need to do all of these soul-collecting shit to do so. But if I somehow manage to give the reincarnation chance to someone else, I..."

"...cease to exist?" she continued with a small gasp and wide eyes. Dabi chortled as he bent over to continue laughing. "No... I become like this forever... I would just be Death like any other Death." Dabi stared, his turquoise ones boring into hers, as a sigh escapes his lips. "So, if you were me, what choice would you make?" The silence between them was deafening as (your name) thought of an answer, quietly weighing down the options, and putting herself in his shoes. Dabi patiently waited for her, gulping down a lump forming in his throat, guilt floating around him like bubbles waiting to pop.

"Do you have a life you want to live?" She spurted out. "Like, do you have a choice to be reincarnated into a life you want?" Dabi shook his head, pursing his lips and flattening them before he spoke up. "Actually, you just live a new life, have a new name, and have a new... everything... you won't even remember anything that has happened here..." (Your name) let out a small groan as she slumped her back on her pillow. "That's a hard decision though... I mean, it sounds promising... but if the person you're willing to give that chance to really needs it then..."

"Then?"

"I would definitely just stay as Death..." she whispered. "I'm sorry...?"

――――

"TOUYA, YOUR ALIAS WILL NOW BE DABI."

The male raised one of his eyebrows, his hands inside his pockets, watching the Divine in front of him, confused. "Why can't I use my real name again?" His question made the Divine look back and tilt their head, giving a light chuckle. A chuckle that somehow haunts his dreams as it echoed through the small empty void that they were in—the Divine's supposed office. "They don't have to know who you used to be..." The Divine responded to which Dabi just nodded to. He knew the moment he walked out that door to do his first assignment that something was off.

The Divine seemed like an asshole.

The Divine wasn't the one who created all things though. They created the other essential things in life—created Death. The Divine believes that those who are Living shall have their own time and that Death shall also live again. That's why this system was created—an unjust yet followed through system. More assignments came to Dabi and he did an exceptional job at taking souls for the reason that he can be reincarnated; that he could be able to live again. The Divine was always pleased with his hard work and even considered him their favorite Death.

And so, he was given his last assignment.

And that's when he realized the smug look on The Divine's face. "Here..." they handed Dabi the clipboard which he directly scanned. His turquoise eyes went back to The Divine's back and before he could open his mouth to speak, they cut him off. "I'm also giving you some of your memories back, Dabi." The black-haired male squinted and tilted his head to the side. "Wait, why now?"

"This is... your last task..." The Divine smirked but Dabi could not see it. "I'll make it a little harder for you."

"Why? Don't you want me to live?" Dabi looked over his shoulder, the void still looking like a void and the door behind them closed. The Divine laughed lowly. "You see, Dabi, when Death wants something... they are selfish. But when Death comes face to face with his emotions, the ones that he had kept inside for a long time..." The Divine turned to face Dabi. "... He finds it harder to choose the things he wants..."

"Why are you telling me this?" Dabi chuckled as he held on to the clipboard tightly.

"You'll see..." The Divine waved his hand to him; a signal for him to get going.

――――

"WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR ANSWER?"

Dabi's eyes widened as he looked up at the female who had a worried look on her face. "It just looked like you had something else in mind..." She said while she puckered her lips, her eyebrows furrowing. Dabi shook his head, smiling. "No, no. I was just confused over what to do, really," he sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. A nurse entered the room to check on (your name)'s condition and even though Dabi knew she was worsening, he couldn't help but choke back his own hope—hope that a miracle would pursue.

When the nurse excused herself to get her medicines, she looked back at him but his gaze was already glued to her. "You know, you've been staring at me lately. Is there anything else you want to say?" Her voice was clear as day but her lips looked paler than usual and her eyelids looked like they were going to drop at any minute of the day. The (hair color) hair strands of her once thick white locks slowly fall off her head as the chemo runs through her veins. And yet, Dabi couldn't bring himself to know the reason why her smile is still intact. "I'm suddenly worried about you..." Dabi stated out of nowhere. "You're still smiling even though you're getting weaker..."

"Death? Worried? Now, that's two words I didn't expect to hear together in a sentence," she joked as her irises sparkled in delight. "Tell me the truth. I know you're not worried." Dabi's lips formed a frown as both his eyebrows were now raised to look at her with disbelief. "I try to be nice here and all I get is judgment, alright!" He placed his arms across his chest and (your name) waves her hands in front of her while apologizing. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Dabi."

Dabi paused. Feelings? It felt like time stopped when he heard the words escape her mouth. This was what the Divine meant about having a hard time choosing. For him, right now, the life of his sister is far more important than living another life—and only to die again someday. But what was far more different is the concept and idea of his feelings getting in the way of his own desires. The thought of having to live his life and forgetting about the one thing that made him want to live is devastating.

"Dabi?" His train of thoughts was cut short when she called out to him. He hummed in response, eyeing her once again, smiling gawkily. "Sorry for spacing out... what is it?" The girl giggled as she ushered for him to come closer. Dabi stood up from his chair and went closer to her bed, moving his head to the side as he got more and more confused. "Can you promise me one thing?" she held his hand in hers. "Even if you're Death and I'm probably never going to see you again..."

"Okay, what would it be?"

"Promise you'll still be my brother even just for the next few days. Please?"

Dabi could feel his heart shredding itself into pieces. His insides were mushed as he clutched on her hand tightly, a small smile welcoming itself on his features. The way he wanted his tears to fall was crucial especially when she's right there in front of him and the way he wanted to tell her he's Touya was making his throat bubble up with the truth. But who was he to stop the course of nature as it continues to torment Living Beings into believing that there is a forever in life when in fact, it'd all end the same.

We all turn to ashes.

He let out a small chuckle, responding to the female who was once again worried over the constant spacing out of the male. "You know, I would really love that... I promise." But he lied. Death always does. And it's something they have learned through the course of their job—it's something that gets them through every single time. But this time, even though he had told her a lie, something deep inside him is telling him that he should keep it; because it's the last time he ever will make a promise to her.

Because the last time he promised.

He only broke her heart.

――――

THE TWO WERE EATING THEIR FOOD IN HER HOSPITAL ROOM. It was something that Dabi was always used to, considering he has taken lots of souls in the past. He munched on a small sandwich as (your name) licked a fork full of butter clean, dipping it once again to the butter stick and doing the same thing again. "Are you sure you should be eating that?" Dabi asked while he looked at her weirdly. "Shouldn't like... you have less consumption of dangerous food because you are... sick?"

"When I said I wanted you do be my brother, I didn't want you telling me off." (Your name) pouted as she placed the fork down on the side of her plate. "Besides, I'm dying anyway, might as well enjoy the food before I..." she continued to make a cutting gesture over her neck and stuck out her tongue once it was over. Dabi rolled his eyes, his gaze back to his own sandwich and her back to licking butter off a fork.

"Also," she opened up, taking a deep breath as her fork dangled in her mouth. "I was thinking about what you asked me earlier..." Dabi's eyes found themselves watching her face again and she stared back. "And?" Dabi lowered his head a bit to let her continue her thoughts. "Well, I was thinking that... if you're going to give up your chance of life for me... don't do it?" Dabi felt shocked but he didn't show it, in fact, he let out a small smile. "What made you think I'd do it for you?"

"I don't know. Just a guess."

"That's a pretty good guess, then."

"So, I was right?" Her eyes widened while her mouth fell agape, a small sound erupting from her. Dabi gave a quick nod before finishing his sandwich, crumpling the wrapper and shooting it on the trashcan near where he was sitting. "Actually, yeah. I just thought maybe you wanted to live a little longer?" Her expression changed upon hearing those words as she stopped eating the butter, finally placing her fork down. "Honestly, Dabi... I think I lived my life well and I don't know if I could have another round even if my memories of my past life are erased."

"So, what do you think I should do then?" Dabi's tears started to well up but he blinked them away in time, right before she could catch it falling. She thought about it for a while, blinking as she slowly placed the tray on the bedside table, the IVs moving along wherever her hand was moving. She let out a low hum, biting her lower lip afterward, smiling at the male gently and warmly.

"I say, you should just take it and live your life, Dabi."

I would though, He thought. But somehow, my feelings think it isn't right to do so. Because you have so many more things to do than I. I don't even know what I'd do in my next life. Dabi laughed, throwing his head back. "Are you really sure about that?" (Your name) muttered a small approval before stretching slightly, laying back down because her muscles felt sore. "Yes, because even in just a short time—you've been a really great brother or person and... I'm sure you'll make a great somebody in your next life."

"You think so?"

"I do." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, flinching at the sudden pain she feels in her body. "And... because..."

"What is it, (your name)?" Dabi stood up, walking near her and holding her hand, kissing the back of it before rubbing it with his own thumb. "You don't have to force yourself to talk. Please get some rest."

"No, I have to..." she pouted as she opened her eyes tiredly. "I love you, brother." Dabi felt his grip on her hand tighten as she let out a groan. The female looked at him with a playful expression, sticking her tongue out at him. "And you still have the guts to say a joke while you're in pain? I'm calling the nurse..."

"I'm serious though. I love you as a brother." Dabi was silent as he walked to the door but when his hand touched the doorknob, he looked back at her and smiled. The female felt her heart warm up as Dabi responded with words she longed to hear from someone else—but somehow, it felt the same way with him. It was weird but Dabi felt like someone she knew so well. It felt like all her lonely winters were blown away by this one hot summer. It felt right and yet, it felt dangerous to feel like she was alive especially when she feels it towards Death.

Dabi's voice echoed through the room as he responded;

"I love you too, sis."

――――

"SO, YOU'VE MADE YOUR CHOICE, DABI?"

Dabi looked down as he could feel the disappointment in the Divine's loud, booming voice. Dabi sucked on the inside of his cheeks as he nodded, a gulp following right after. There was something about the way the Divine was looking at him that made his whole body shudder; his soul was practically trembling and threatening to escape his body as he felt every inch of his lungs running out of air. "Sacrifices are made when the feelings inside you are stronger than your wants," The Divine said out of thin air, Dabi's eyes traveling upward. "Life is not a fair game, Dabi..." They slammed their hands on their table, causing the whole void to shake. "This chance does not come to anyone and yet, here you are..."

Dabi closed his eyes, his insides aching to punch the Divine. Death is merely just a bridge and yet he treats it like a competition between others. "I'm sure about my decision..." he stated once again, this time looking at the Divine—the shining figure squinting at Dabi's smaller frame. "Is it because your once selfish nature was put off by the last soul you're going to collect?" The Divine let out a devilish chuckle. "I never knew Death possesses such emotions..." they frowned, giving him a once-over. "... And I thought you were the best among them."

"You thought wrong," Dabi retorted. "I was selfish because I was blinded by your ways. Your obsolete nonsense of rules about reincarnations being welcomed to those who earn it by risking other soul's chances of being chosen as Death; earned by risking our souls to work for you until eternity!" The fuming anger inside of Dabi filled the whole room and the silence that concurred between them urged him to continue. "You were selfish because the thought of living once again made you want to do it." The Divine argued, smirking as the figure shook its head.

Dabi stayed silent. "You are Death. You have no right to give Life unto others. That's nature, Dabi..."

"That's why you'll do it, right?" Dabi kneeled in front of the figure. "Please, I love my sister. I can't watch her die... I won't let her die..." The Divine closed its eyes, the shimmer emitting from his own body radiated a warmth that even Dabi couldn't help but kneel under his power. "Fine..." The Divine stated as they looked back at him, their eyes glued to the kneeling and crying male. "If that is what you want... I shall grant her the chance of reincarnation..."

"...under one condition, Dabi..."

Dabi felt his world crash upon hearing the condition. The crumbling of his own visions and his own pillars of strength happening right before his eyes. His burning turquoise eyes wandered to the floor as he felt his own tears flowing down his cheeks, clouding his own vision. And maybe, at that moment, he thought to himself that Death was as unfair as Life and that sacrifices often end in both ways—a chain reaction of negativity and positivity on different ends of the rod. In the back of his mind, the words of the Divine echoed until he can't hear his own shouts of resistance to the guards taking him away to a prison chamber.

"You will not be the Death to take her soul." It said. "Not anymore."

IN THE EVENING, (YOUR NAME) WAS MORE THAN SHOCKED TO FIND THAT DABI WASN'T THE DEATH IN HER HOSPITAL ROOM. The silence and awkwardness that filled her made her want to cry and run away, find him. But she knew, deep inside, it was impossible to find wherever it was they took him. She was told that Dabi was being kept away because of a bad decision—one that involves saving you from inevitable Death. She felt her heart shatter like a beer bottle thrown to the pavement. "He promised," she would whisper quietly.

But when will she ever learn that promises were meant to be broken?

It was only a matter of 48 hours before her demise but something felt empty. She felt empty. She wanted to call out to him in hopes that he would show up and tell her that this was all a joke and Dabi was actually just a bit busy but no, the way the new Death assigned to you looked at her made her feel like she was suffocating on her own despair—choking on her own sadness. (Your name) closed her eyes as she recalled the question Dabi always asks her.

"When do you start to fear Death?"

Today? Tomorrow? Later? When it's standing in front of you? When it creeps under your skin like a bug? When it finally hits you? When would she ever start fearing death? She felt her eyelids getting heavier as she gulped back the lump forming on her throat as heavy, cold, and immense realization hit her. The trembling of her body was enough to cause the IVs to shake along but not enough for her new Death to notice. She took a sharp inhale as her thoughts started taking her everywhere all at once; the thought of her family and friends, the thought of her not being able to see them again, the thought of not being able to reach the dreams she always wanted.

"So, when do you start to fear Death?"

Her answer to that would be; you start fearing Death when it starts to fall in love with life. Boldly and sadly enough, (your name) has only learned to love her life because of Death. And now that Death is not how it used to be, she's afraid.

But Death is a renegade.

It can change the course of nature no matter what the Divine says.