Lance's Phone Screen

Pidge: YO! LANCEO!

Lance: Hey Pidge! U still have my #?

Pidge: Jus cause U left doesn't mean I burned all the stuff that reminds Hunk and I of U... not ALL the pics anyways... good blackmail.

Lance: You haven't changed #5

Pidge: Anyways U wanna come to Rolo's party on Friday?

Lance: Y U inviting me? What r u up to? AND PIDGE YOU ACTUALLY LEAVE UR HOUSE???

Pidge: Ha ha your hilarious... so yes?

Lance: U literally didn't answer any of my questions but sure...

Pidge: You'll find out *Muahahahahaha*

Lance: Oof devil Pidge has risen

Pidge: yeah and their gonna kick ur ass if u don't show up

Lance: You would never hurt me Pidgeon! 

Pidge: True, but I can put ur pride to shame...

Lance: Well... I guess I better go then. details?

Pidge: Sending them to Keith later this week since he's going and he'll tell U

Lance: Keith's coming? Your broke him out of his bedroom too???

Pidge: Lance who do U think comes to school in our bodies?

Lance: Idk... I just thought u cloned everyone and put us in designated colored clothes, cause what are we animals?

Pidge: Wow... I just remembered Y we stopped hangin out with u

Lance: Rude. *holds heart*

Pidge: *crushes heart* anyways see ya then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mission one was a success, get detention on Friday.

Now all I have to do is survive the week one day at a time... which is a pretty tall order to fill but this is usually my goal every week.

As of now, I've been aimlessly roaming the hallways for a few minutes, trying to get to my locker because for some reason I have a feeling I should be there. Don't ask cause I obviously can't answer, honestly I think a part of me is trying to stay away to avoid another awkward encounter, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to get some of these books off my back. I think I'm starting to get a little fatigued anyway.

I mean another reason I'm dreading even going near that hall is because Keith could be there; which would be fine but he could also not be there... which would also be ok... maybe even better than ok. I know we're on 'good terms' and everything, at least I think we are, so it really shouldn't matter if we are near each other and interacting in public.

I'm such an idiot though. I should never have pushed my boundaries with him. He didn't deserve that and, quite frankly, I don't think he was ready for the question. He didn't act ready, he actually acted surprised like he never noticed. 

Unrelated to that, Pidge and Hunk are meeting with all of us on Friday so that means I have to go. I miss them so much and I every part of me hopes they don't hate me, but I wouldn't blame them if they did. I mean, Pidge kept my number so that's got to amount to something. But hey, I get to see her again which will be pretty cool, but also nerve wracking as fuck.

I liked to go to parties but unfortunately I have a problem with holding my liquor.

I've always had the fear of growing up to be the second half of my father so I try to refrain any other time, parties are just a good time to get drunk. Numbing sound to drown out the internal screams and alcohol to take the pain and most of my feelings away.

When I was younger he was my papa, who would play catch with me and teach me valuable life lessons but ever since my siblings death when I was nine and my mama's suicide he did a complete 180. I miss my papa but now I'm stuck with my father and I can't help that. 

I deserve what he does to me, I won't pretend I don't. 

There are always the 'could of, should of, would ofs' but those are just excuses I tell myself to make everything feel better than it is. I could always try harder but I end up disappointing him more than I would have if I just sat there and stared, so I don't blame him for what he does and I honestly don't care anymore. He's hurting but still, I never want to end up like that.

I don't want to be an alcoholic so I try to keep it to a minimum... but parties are a different story.

At parties it's soothing to forget and feel free for a few hours. So against my better judgement, I'll lock myself away or isolate at parties after the first few hours with a bottle of vodka (and maybe a few drinks of whatever the fuck I find that is made up of at least 1% alcohol). Not the best habit, I know, but it's only happened a few times, and no one seems to care anyway.

Unfortunately school ended for today and students are getting ready to leave, including me since practices don't start yet (actually our first game is the first Friday of October).

I'm nearly 'round the corner to our lockerbank and my heart jumps for two different reasons. I find Keith leaning into the locker writing something, hips jutted outwards and a knee popped forward as his elbows support him along with his sturdy letters. I unintentionally sneak up behind him, since I still feel a little weird about this morning and basically the few weeks we've been Seniors. 

As I near closer, I can make out a sliver of what he's writing and that it's being documented in the journal he had this morning. Invading his privacy in the last thing I'd want to do, especially since I feel like I'm already treading on thin ice with him, so I clear my throat to get his attention. I rest my hand on the locker door a little more aggressively than I anticipated in the process of 'getting his attention', which causing Keith to jump as well as my heart into the confines of my throat.

He slammed the book shut and turned around to face me, fear sticking to his irises like tree sap, showing no sign of coming loose even after seeing it was me. My hands were supporting my body so it made me lean over Keith slightly considering our height difference. My head bobbed between my arms and peered down at him, like one would assume a bird does while analyzing the unknown below them. His pale cheeks grew rosey as we stood like that before his shaky voice fished the both of us out of that strange daze. 

"Uhh... L...lance did you need something?" Keith was stuttering and that's when I realized how close we actually were. I quickly pushed off and looked away so Keith couldn't see the blood rushing to my face. 

Keith's eyes are really purple though, like really purple. Kind of unnaturally so, but beautiful... which isn't weird, at all! Eyes are eyes, gender doesn't matter. Besides I think lots of peoples eyes are pretty like... like... my moms? Her eyes were beautiful but I don't think that really counts. 

"Yeah sorry, I had to grab my phone charger." I reached over Keith, almost on top of him trying to find this stupid charger. He just stared up at me from below, the red only spreading to his ears. Then he looked down and began tugging at his wrists, only his eyes looked up to meet mine and he struggled to keep them at bay. I attempted to make conversation like a normal person but then again I'm not exactly what people would call normal.

"So... did Pidge text you details about the party?" That was the most cringe worthy thing I have ever said and it wasn't what I said but how my voice cracked at the end of basically every word.

I furrowed my brows at the sound of my voice and kept my back to him while searching the abyss I call my locker for that stupid charger I supposedly needed. In all reality I have no idea why I needed to go to the locker I guess I just wanted to.

"Pidge? I'm going to kill them!" Them? I don't know what that's about but seems like a question for later. He whipped out his phone and began texting madly, waiting a few seconds anxiously before his phone set of a ping*. A loud grunt resonated from his throat as punched the lockers, which made me jump from reflex. He pulled his hand to his chest quickly, covering it in cloth before I even got a glimpse of the damage he just inflicted upon himself. He just turned somewhat to my direction.

"Sorry about that... Pidge can be annoying..." he sighed. 

"Yeah but she's pretty cool when you get to know her and she's smart as all hell." I laughed a little and Keith stared at me in disbelief. To be blunt; I'm confused as all hell.

One of his hands were forming into a fist and shook at his side while he looked down, holding his breath. He was probably trying to figure out what he wanted to do in that moment. Honestly, I'm just really confused about what I said that's making him so...

Angry? Upset? Frustrated?

He took a deep breath and his whole body seemed to be less tense. His eyes were still looking away from mine but at least it didn't look like he wanted to kill me.

"God, I don't know what they see in you." He laughed but it seemed annoyed and lacking conviction.

"What are you talking about?" I'm still just trying to figure this all out. Do they talk about me?

"Pid- never mind it's none of your business." Nothing is ever any of my business when it comes to him is it? Keith went to leave but I stepped forward and put my hand on his shoulder to get him to stop. 

His back was to me and he seemed to tense in my grip. I think I almost heard a yelp like he was preparing himself for pain... Fuck! now I'm even more confused! He turns around slowly and after a gulp he goes up to me and looks me dead in the eyes. Daggers stabbing me in the soul and he tries to look intimidating.

It's actually kinda cute that he thinks he's taller than me.

He's trying to intimidate you dumbass! What's cute about that?

"Lance... get your hand off of my shoulder... now!" Keith was speaking through his teeth, voice wavering slightly and when he barked those orders I immediately removed my hand crossing my arms over my chest.

Never mind I'm intimidated as fuck!

Well maybe not intimidated, more so taken aback by his sudden mood change. I must of struck a nerve just by standing here, that's the only way I can even explain this. His hand wasn't clenched in a fist anymore and I could see the blood pooling through the tips of his fingerless gloves, he must have punched the grits in the locker wall of a piece that's chipping (you know since the school's too cheap to get lockers that aren't falling apart).

"What were you going to say? What's your problem with me anyways? I thought we were..." He cut me off, which was good, I was starting to get emotional for some reason.

"Thought we were what Lance? Were nothing! I was right about you before! Everything you told me in the stairwell meant nothing! Absolutely nothing!" He seemed like he was about to cry but he was holding back. 

"I didn't lie! Why would I lie? I try to believe you wouldn't lie to..."

"How would you know!?" Keith yelled and turned his chest away from me while crossing his arms in a defensive way. I think I saw a tear dripping down his cheek but his hair was covering his eyes so only half of his face was in view.

"You don't know anything about Hunk, you don't know anything about Pidge, and you certainly know nothing about me..." This is when I start to get frustrated, if you don't count not finding that stupid charger as frustrating.

"How the hell am I supposed to know anything about you if you don't tell me?" His arms seemed to wrap tighter around himself as he closes off more of himself.

"I don't know Lance! Maybe there's a reason I don't tell you things about myself!" He blows up, cowering more than portraying the assertiveness he's known for around here. Honestly if I didn't know better, I'd say Keith puts up a mask... I guess like I do in a way. However this revelation doesn't deter from how pissed I'm becoming.

"What could be so bad?! I don't want to know your life story but it'd be great if I could ask your favorite color without it instigating an argument with you!" My voice is raising in volume and Keith's eyes lower. I swear if he had cat ears they'd be clipped down straight to his head.

"They've both changed a lot since you left them, and I don't intend on letting you hurt them again..." he said this in almost a hushed whisper, a fire slowing burning and preparing to spread if I made the wrong move.

"You're right... I know. I have no excuses that you'd be interested to justify what I did but I just want you to know that it was for a very good reason." I say calmly, trying to end the conversation there but Keith straightens out his back and looks me dead in the eyes, I can practically feel the daggers slicing through my skin.

"What? Were you too embarrassed to be seen with them after you became popular-" Hi voice was taunting but help some form of curiosity. I was either getting beat up for the way I answered of beat up for the way I answered... so either way I'm getting beat up.

"NO!... no... I was trying to protect them... " I'm slowly being dragged into my own head. If I were with Pidge right now she'd say that I'm showing signs of denial except for once in her life she'd be wrong because I know what I did and I know exactly why I did it. Keith didn't take too kindly to my answer though.

"From what Lance? From what? The boogeyman? The Chupacabra? What about yourself? What good that did!" He yelled sarcastically, causing a nerve to snap within my vocal cords and shriek whatever counter I could conjure instantly.

"You have no idea what the fuck you're even talking about! This isn't even any of your business!" At this point the both of us are yelling. Someone could pass by and assume we're about to break out into a war, blood guaranteed. However the two of us know that it's nothing more than a heated argument, it won't get physical right?

I'm right. It's that simple. I've never been so sure that I'm right about anything until this argument. Pidge and Hunk are safe because I left, I never wanted to but I had to! Why can't keith just understand that!

"It is my business!" He sounded like he couldn't believe I said it wasn't his business but what does he know? He's just the hot-headed emo!

"Is it Keith? Is it really? Cause you don't look like Pidge or Hunk! You didn't even live in this town when it happened! You have no idea what I've done trying to keep them safe do you? Oh wait... you wouldn't care right? You'd just assume I'm lying right?" His eyes retract into pinpoints and he abuses his lip, looking directly at me. Fear leaked from his expression, his body language had the scent of regret radiating like July's summer sun. It was evident Keith tried to say something but I cut him off, too caught up in my rant to care about what he wanted to say.

Unfortunately it just soured into a ramble of self pity I desperately tried to convince my authenticity with.

"I'm such a fucking idiot... I really am. I honestly have no idea why you mess with my mind. Is it fun for you? To say you don't hate me when it's quite clear you do? I'm not going to say it's not fair because life isn't fair Keith. I didn't choose this for our friend group. I love them... I love them so much it hurts! You would never understand what I've done to protect them so just shut your fucking mouth and-" Before I could go any further Keith took a big step forward, brows knitted for possibly more than one reason. His face was so close to my face, his body practically pressed against mine minus the contact, and I could practically smell the apple cinnamon scent on his breath.

It kinda made me hungry, despite the bad timing to be thinking about food. I mean it's been about five days since I've consumed anything so that could explain why I'm feeling so faint today.

"If you loved them you wouldn't have given them up. You have no idea how much they talk about you, do you? They talk about you so much that it's like I'm not even part of their group anymore, that is if I was ever a part of it in the first place." He got off his tippy toes, which I just noticed he was balancing on cause he's so tiny. One arm crossed over his chest to rub the other and he looked away from me, which seemed to be a habit of his. The blood still leaking from his glove, dripping a crimson tear every now and again onto the mismatched, cracked tile floor.

"Lance... they are the only friends I have and they barely notice I exist. I'm basically the phantom of Arcadia. It gets lonely being alone with a diseased mind, not being seen, because your only friends are preoccupied with someone who hurt them." He looked up at me, voice small but sure and desperate to get his point across to me, even if he had to force feed the information.

"I love them Lance. I never thought I could do that again but they helped me trust just enough to let them in and I won't hesitant to protect them from the things that'll try to break them." Again? What does he mean by that? Was he talking about the trust part of the love part? All my thoughts swirled in my brain like a tsunami, destroying any building of reasoning I had left standing in my head.

"I... I didn't mean to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt them!" I felt like collapsing onto myself. I did hurt them. I broke the only people I love and it's all my fault they fell abandoned because that's exactly what I did... I abandoned them. I abandoned them like my siblings abandoned mama and father and how mama left me to deal with him and her.

God I miss her. She's the only thing left in this world worth protecting and I can't even do that because I fucking abandoned her too! As if I didn't feel bad enough Keith started adding on but it flipped in on himself in the end.

"Well that's the funny thing about actions Lance. You can't control how a person or a group of people will react, you just deliver the blow. Trust me I've delivered enough blows to probably commit mass murder around the world and look at me now." Keith laughs weakly, trying to lighten up the desperate atmosphere but it's so strangled and forced that my heart feels like it's eating itself inside out.

"You... you're not wrong... I guess I'm pretty useless huh? I can't even protect the only people in this world that actually cared about me." I smile a little, such a watery one that it drips away in seconds.

"You're not... I don't think you're useless. That's a little far... you just made a mistake... a mistake you need to fix." I nod because he's right, and he's being sincere about it which I appreciate more than he'll ever know.

He looks like he wants to say more to me but decides against it, choosing to leave it till another time of bury it in a metaphorical filing cabinet he'll never open again. His bag sways as he walks off, a little of his blood smeared on the tiles in his wake but blood on this floor isn't unusual.

He might not want to ask his question but something about the air seems livelier, healthier, calmer.

"Hey Keith?" He lifts his head slightly signalling that I can proceed with my question if I want and I take in a breath. It's a big leap, I could break this mutuality or I could strengthen our budding friendship...

I go with the latter.

"Are you still mad? About whatever I did before?" To this moment I still have no idea what caused our fight in the first place although it probably has something to do with my compliments to Pidge.

He thinks for a moment before responding, still seeming to be in thought even when his mouth opens and the verdict is decided.

"I don't know. I think just need to process everything that happened today." We're silent for a little, our breaths the only things daring enough to make a sound. But out of every way I anticipated ending this conversation, I didn't expect what I got.

"Blue." When I looked up his back was still to me but he turned his head enough to the side to look at me.

"What?" After our argument and everything that happened i don't even remember half the things we said to one another.

"I think... today... my favorite color is blue." He smiles slightly to himself, a fond expression taking over his face that I can't help but admire and he smallest dusting of rose petals tinting his cheekbones before he laughs a little to himself, a heavenly sound (I'm not gonna lie).

"Today?" In the midst of my confusion and admiration I didn't quite process that I had no idea what we were talking about but he didn't answer my one-worded question. He just walked down the concrete steps of the exit and out towards the bus station.

On my way out of the building's hallway several minutes later, and yes I found that charger, I try to think over what had happened; how crazy things got, how emotional we both became, how vulnerable we made one another.

It's true that I stopped talking to Pidge and Hunk but I had my reasons. I was trying to protect them... from me but I ended up hurting them both didn't I? He was right then... I guess I really am a monster... I guess I'm turning into my father.

I only found out a year ago that Katie was letting people give her the nickname Pidge for some reason. And Hunk was getting interested in cooking/baking but other than that I really don't know much else about them other than the stuff I used to know when we were younger.

Despite all the back and forth between Keith and I, it's obvious to me that he's a good friend to them. A better friend than I could have been to them if I stuck around. They would have gotten involved and I didn't want them to get hurt... I still don't want them to get hurt but what could I even do about that now? Especially after becoming the object of their torment. 

How do I apologize to them after dropping them without a word for years and staging my life so they never asked questions or tried to pursue me.

I close the locker and begin to make my way to the deserted parking lot, all the while lighting up a cigarette and blowing out smoke.

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