March 18th, 1959. 9:03 pm. The Winter Household

Buddy and I walk into my old room. I sigh and shrug off my jacket.

"Doll, I love you." Buddy says, doing the same.

I plop on my bed. "Thanks!"

"Got anythin' interestin" in here?" Buddy sits next to me.

I shake my head. "Not that I can think of. All there is is my old journal, old makeup and a couple of condoms." I laugh.

"Yeah, uh, speakin' a condoms..."

I turn to him. "What?"

"When are we gonna have kids?"

I shrug. "In a couple years, maybe?"

"Yeah. I've just had real bad baby fever lately."

"Me too,"

"But I know we can't!" Buddy frowns. "That's the worst part!"

"I knooow!" I complain. "I know! I can't think of a worse time to have a baby, but I want one."

"Constant tours, our apartment has one room, we spend so much time at studios, and the part where I'm really not ready to be a father,"

"Exactly! Plus this trip to France and I just watched Juliet give birth and oh boy, that doesn't look pleasant," I try to shake the imagine out of my head.

"It doesn't sound pleasant!"

"Wyatt was breech so after Walter was out, the doctor had to literally reach inside if Juliet and pull Wyatt out. Reach inside!"

Buddy's eyes go wide. "So...d'you wanna adopt our first kid?"

"Yes, yes definitely. I'm scarred for life after that,"

LATER

"Vi, what's this?!" Buddy asks hurriedly.

I jolt up and look at him. "What?" I must have drifted off

He holds up an envelope in one hand and a paper in the other.

I squint and look closer.

Oh, God damnit!

"Buddy put that away!" I bolt up and try to take it from him.

"Is this your note?!" He exclaims.

"Yes- I mean no! Give it!" I try to take it, but he holds it over his head.

"It is your note!"

"Buddy, give it to me, come on!" I whine. "That's private!"

"I didn't know that you wrote a note!"

"Because I didn't want you reading it!"

"Little late!"

"Give me the damn note!"

He slowly brings his arm down and hands me the paper.

I look down at it.

"September 18th, 1952

In regards to my continued living,

Not to be cliche, but if you're reading this, well that means I'm dead. I assume you've figured out that yes, this is in fact, a suicide.

Mom and dad-  I'm sorry I wasn't a better daughter. I'm sorry for costing so much money. I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect little cheerleader that Juliet was. I'm sorry that I was such a disappointment. I'm sorry I was so defective and I'm sorry I'm worthless. I'm sorry for the shame that my suicide will bring you. I'm sorry. You were right, I'm worth absolutely nothing. I'm finally leaving you to be happy. I know I was such a burden on you. I'm sorry. 

Juliet- I love you so much. You're the best sister I could have asked for, but didn't deserve. I'm sorry for the times we've fought or that I've pretended to be you. I'm sorry for all the times that I've blocked you out and the times that I pushed you away. I really do love you. Hey, at least no one can mix us up anymore, right?

Vincent- I love you so much, too. You're a truly amazing brother and one of the smartest people that I've ever met in my entire life. I'm sorry that we weren't closer and I'm sorry for the times we've argued. I never meant any of it. You're so talented in baseball, I'll always watch you play from beyond the grave. Never give up on playing in the national league. you're certainly good enough.

Debbie Wilson- I love you. I've missed you more than words can explain. You were such an amazing best friend and I'm so sorry that I had to move. I'm so sorry about the time that I kissed your crush when we were 13. I would take it back if I could. You're so gorgeous, keep being you. You're such a sweet soul, there's not a mean bone in your body. I love you. Please, always remember our dumb inside jokes. You're the only one who understands those now.

Buddy Holley- I know, we've known each other for exactly 18 days, but somehow you managed to become one of the best friends that I've ever had. You're hilarious. Keep playing guitar, you're like a prodigy. You're so talented, don't waste that. You made a big impact in a small amount of time, and I wouldn't change it. I'm sorry that I didn't get to know you better and I'm sorry that I won't be at any of your shows. If I'm honest, I had a crush on you. Ridiculous, yeah? I'm sorry I didn't confess this until I was dead.

Anyone else who is in any way impacted- I'm sorry. I can't keep living like this.

I know that you're all asking the question of "Why did she do this?".

I can't live with myself any more. The constant flashbacks, panic attacks, extreme depression and anxiety all got to me.

No one knows this, but I was raped. I was raped when I was a mere 7 years old. I cannot tell you how many times I've had flashbacks back to that day. I cannot tell you how many panic attacks I've had because of it.

That combined with the rest of the shit show known as my childhood, moving, and bad mental health? Cocktail for disaster.

I've some to learn that the only way to win is not to play.

I've always had a destructive personality.

I love you all and I'm sorry it had to end this way.

With love forever,
Violet Rosaline Winter"

I look up from the note.

"Vi, I can't believe this." Buddy sighs.

I look at him. "You weren't supposed to see this. No one was." I feel my eyes well up.

"Well I saw it." Buddy states. I can tell he's holding back tears.

"Why were you going through my stuff?" I look away from him and cross my arms.

"I was lookin' for my old pain meds that we used to keep here."

"You invaded my privacy."

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was private."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I didn't know what it was. I'm sorry." He gently puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Not cool."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever, it's done now. I can't go back and stop you." I sigh.

"Doll, really, I'm sorry."

"It's fine." I slowly back up and sit on the bed. "It's fine."

"I love you, okay?"

"I love you too." I mumble.

I decide not to mention the multiple others that I've written on various occasions.

January 30th, 1955. 1:01 pm. Lubbock Hospital Psychiatric Ward

Dr. Maddison closes his office door and sits down. "How are you today, Violet?"

I cross my legs. "Fine."

"You're fine?"

"Doc, we've been over this. The drug you have me dosed on makes me feel nothing."

Dr. Maddison writes something down on his note pad. "Mhm, and you mentioned that you don't like being on the mood stabilizers?"

"I hate it."

"Okay,"

"When will I be off?"

He ignores my question. "So I have an assignment for you to do."

I roll my eyes. "What?"

"Write suicide notes."

My jaw drops. "Excuse me?"

"Write suicide notes. It will force you to think of the consequences of your actions."

"No, I-I can't!"

"I want you to write a section for every person that means something to you. Whether they be as important as Buddy or as minor as a person in your class that you've spoken to once."

"Why?"

"Like I said, it forces you to think about the people that your suicide would impact." Dr. Maddison takes off his thick glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. "I won't read them, but I will check to make sure that you've done them."

I purse my lips.

"Go to the cafeteria. Officer Braun will give you a notebook."

I stand up and walk out of Dr. Maddison's smelly office in a complete daze.

I manage to navigate my way to the cafeteria and there sits Officer Braun with a notebook and pencil.

I walk up to him and sigh. "Do I have to?"

Officer Braun nods. "Yes, I am sorry."

I roll my eyes and take the notebook and pencil. "Can I write this in my room?"

"If you vant."

"Great. I will. See you at dinner." I say, turning on my heel and going to my room.

I guess I'll start off with writing for Buddy, he's the most important person in my life currently.

I slowly open the notebook and pick up the pencil.

"Dear Buddy,

I'm going to start off with I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I did this to you. You were a truly amazing boyfriend. A truly amazing human being, actually. You have made such a huge difference in my life. I've enjoyed every single moment with you. You are wonderful, don't you ever forget that.

Before you go blaming yourself (like I know you will), know that it wasn't your fault. Only mine. No one else's. You did everything you could. Really, it isn't your fault and never will be. Ever.

I really appreciate all you did for me. All the nights you've knocked on my window and all the times you made me laugh. All the hugs you've given me and all the kisses. All of the love. You truly did make me feel loved for once in my life. I still have every single note/letter/card that you've given me. If you want them back, they're under my bed in that painted wooden box. There's also pictures of us in there. I sort of designated it as a memory box for us.

Buddy, I want you to know how utterly important you were to me. You, Charles Hardin Holley, were single handedly the greatest person that I ever met. Your sense of humor is impeccable. You're wise far, far beyond your years. I can't thank you enough for being there for me. For being my best friend, and being my boyfriend. I love you more than words can explain. I love you so, so, so much. Yeah, sure, it was a high school relationship, but I needed you. I needed you and by God, I loved you. I swear that I'll always be haunting you from beyond the grave.

Please, please, please move on. Move on from me. I'm not worth wasting your life over. Find your soulmate. Find the love of your life. You were the love of mine, I'm sorry that I couldn't be yours.

Keep doing music, Buddy. Keep on doing it. You're so ridiculously talented. You WILL be known someday, okay? I know it.

I love you, Buddy. I love you more than you know.

I love you.

I'll miss you.

I love you.

With so much love and appreciation,
Violet"

I slowly set down the pencil and look down at the now tear stained paper. I'm shaking. I'm shaking so hard. I couldn't leave Buddy like that. I love him too much. He would be destroyed. He would never recover.

I can't believe I ever even fathomed leaving him. I can't believe I tried leaving him. But, as always, he showed up and saved me from myself.

I close the notebook and curl up on my bed. He really has no idea how much I love him. No one does, for that matter.

People imply that he loves me more than I love him, but that isn't true at all. He's significantly better at expressing emotion and he always makes sure that I know that he loves me. I on the other hand, am very bad at telling people how I feel. I bottle everything up. I've tried to tell Buddy the extent of my feelings for him, but I never can find the right words.

"Buddy," I say, folding up the note. "I truly do love you, okay?"

Buddy raises an eyebrow and sits next to me. "Okay?"

"And I think that you're the most humble and the wisest person that I have ever met. Ever. You really are an amazing human." I gush.

"Why are you sayin' all that?" He asks.

"Because I don't tell you enough. I love you, Buddy. I love you so much."

He wraps his arm around me. "I love you too, doll."

1:47 am

"Hey, Vi?" Buddy asks through the darkness.

I roll over onto my side and face him, even if I can't see his face. "Hmm?"

"I was just thinkin' 'bout us."

My heart skips a beat. A feeling of pure dread washes over me. Is this when he asks for a divorce? Right here, in the pitch blackness of my old teenage room, the very same day that my sister had twins?

"I wouldn't trade any memory for the entire world." He says.

"Okay..."

"And I was wonderin' if you still feel the same about us as you did when we were teens?"

I furrow my eyebrows. "Do you not?"

"No, of course I do, doll. It's just that lately you've been more distant. More reserved. Less affectionate. That's why I was so surprised earlier when you were sayin' all that stuff."

"I'm sorry, Buddy..."

"It's fine."

"This Koch stuff has been stressing me out lately. July is coming so painstakingly slowly."

He wraps an arm around my waist. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, I've just been insecure lately is all."

"I know, and I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. Being doubtful of yourself isn't fun."

"I really haven't been too pleased with my looks and body lately, and I feel like such a pansy for it."

"Hey, Buddy, you most certainly are not a pansy. Men are just as insecure as women, but no one ever talks about it." I scoot closer to him. "I think you're incredibly handsome, okay?"

"But you're my wife. You gotta say that."

"I wouldn't have dated you if I thought you were horrendously ugly. I love you. Your friends love you. Your family loves you. Your fans love you."

"I'm sorta scrawny..."

"So? It doesn't matter."

"And I look like a nerd!"

"I think nerds are cute."

"I just don't feel good about myself. Vi, no matter how much you tell me, I'll always know that you're out of my league. I'm sorry."

"I'm not out of your league. Hell, there's thousands of teenage girls who would give their right arm to even have a chance at meeting you, much less dating you or being curled up next to you right now."

"Same for you, but teenage boys and many more men."

"You're completely fine the way you are, okay?"

"I love you, doll."

"I love you too. So so much. You're an amazing husband. Don't ever doubt yourself."

"You really do make me feel better, Vi. I'm sorry for unloadin' all that on you."

"Hey, no, it's okay. I don't mind even a little. You're always there for me, I'm always there for you. We're married, it's what we do." I move my arm to under our pillows.

"You're right. I'm glad that we're married, I'm glad that we're together. I'm glad that we met."

"Me too." I smile. "Now sleep, I know you haven't slept too well for the past few days."

"G'night, doll. I really love you."

"I really love you too." I say, rolling over.