CHAPTER 3

COMING FROM his therapy session, Kade arrived back at his house just before dinner. He had no appetite, so he didn't bother buying himself something to eat. After that tiring session with his therapist, all he wanted to do was to paint until he was so exhausted that he would fall asleep the moment his back hit the mattress.

Since when did I think of painting as a tool to exhaust myself? That thought made Kade freeze as he parked his car in the garage, and he felt even more mentally exhausted.

He loved painting. He loved how his painting could unnerve and disturb a human mind to the point that they would ask themselves how it could overlap with reality and how one painting could convey numerous emotions.

But now, I just paint so I can vent and put my dark, uncontrollable thoughts onto the canvas.

Kade gripped the steering wheel and whispered, "Since when... did I become like this?"

He had no answer. He hadn't even realized until now.

"Fuck..."

Kade gripped a handful of his hair before forcing himself to step out of the car and dragged himself toward his house.

There was no point asking himself the question when he had no answer for it. What was important now was that he hadn't had any attacks lately. His mind was not at peace, but it had become bearable. He didn't know if it was because of the medicines, but he was pretty sure they were a big help.

Without his doctor's prescribed medicines, Kade didn't know what could've happened to him since last year. Though the medicines helped, he could still feel that his mental state was not stable.

He had been grappling with his depression for more than a year now, and it was a losing battle. When Xanthie told him he was getting married a couple of months ago, that was when he consulted a psychiatrist. He wanted to be okay at Xanthie's wedding. He wanted to be there for his best friend on his special day. Giving Xanthie bad memories was the last thing on his mind.

His fear that he might have an attack during Xanthie's wedding was the reason he kept seeing and listening to his psychiatrist. Because he knew, at Xanthie's wedding, he wouldn't be mentally stable.

That fear that consumes me every attack... what is it?, He kept asking himself. What is it that I fear? What is it that I want? What is it that can make me happy again—

The bright light inside his house when he went in pulled Kade from his reverie.

What... I'm pretty sure I turned off the lights before I left, he thought, and was about to investigate when he walked through the kitchen door and saw a familiar figure in front of the stove, cooking.

"Xanthie?"

The figure turned around to face him, and it was indeed Xanthie. "Go freshen up and come back. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes."

Kade was still staring at Xanthie's back from outside the kitchen door. His mind was buffering until he remembered that Xanthie would be living in his house for two weeks because of work.

"If you don't want to freshen up, at least wash your hands." Xanthie's voice filled the kitchen  when he turned around and saw Kade still silently standing outside the door.

"I'll go freshen up," Kade replied in a low voice after a little while.

Hearing Kade's fading footsteps, Xanthie glanced at the kitchen's door, and then his eyes landed on the refrigerator to the side.

It had nothing inside other than boxes of juice, pitchers of water, and some leftover pizzas and unfinished takeout.

He used to have a full refrigerator that I would scold him for stocking up so often, Xanthie thought and sighed. "What's happening to him?" He couldn't help but worry that something serious was going on.

He had two weeks to figure out what the hell was going on with Kade. Two weeks. It was a good thing that the song project was cancelled and he had two weeks off.

Sighing to himself, he started setting the dining table.

How long had it been since he cooked and shared a meal with Kade? It was last year. Was it when he told Kade he's getting married? Yeah. That was the last time. Ever since Kade left Montréal, they seldom saw each other. He was so busy with work and wedding preparations that he could hardly visit Kade.

"Hmm. Smells nice."

Xanthie's eyes snapped toward the kitchen door and saw Kade with a lopsided smile as he entered the kitchen. Kade had already changed into his casual clothes and was smiling.

Just like old times.

But Xanthie couldn't shake off the feeling that there was something different in Kade's smile. It felt as if something was missing.

"Take a seat. I cooked your favorite."

Kade smiled helplessly at Xanthie as he took a seat. "What am I going to do without you?"

"It's not like you're going to lose me," Xanthie countered as he placed Kade's favorite, ginger beef, on the dining table.

"You're getting married, and I live a five hour drive away from you," Kade pointed out. "You can't keep taking care of me, Xanthie."

"Why not?"

Kade stilled and looked at Xanthie, who sounded pissed just now. And Xanthie was indeed frowning at him.

"What do you mean 'why not'?" Kade frowned back. "You have to take care of your family."

"Aren't you family?"

That silenced Kade. Xanthie put the bagels he bought for Kade on the table. "Let's eat."

In the stiff atmosphere, Kade silently dug in and inwardly smiled when he tasted Xanthie's familiar cooking.

He missed it.

Kade's chest tightened, and it ached. He tried to control the pain, but it only spread even more throughout his body. As if it was reminding him that he could never have Xanthie and that this familiar taste of cooking would disappear soon.

Kade lost his appetite, but he continued eating and just sucked it up. He had become used to the pain. He should be immune by now, but here he was, still feeling it.

"What time are you going to work tomorrow?" Kade asked to dispel the stiff atmosphere around them.

"I'll be working from home," Xanthie smoothly lied. He didn't actually have any work here. He just came to check on Kade.

"Seriously?" Kade looked at Xanthie with a frown. "If you can work from home, doesn't that mean you didn't have to come here and could've just stayed at your place?"

"I have to attend some meetings."

"Oh." Kade honestly wanted to get rid of Xanthie fast. The longer Xanthie stayed here, the bigger the chance he'd figure out that something was wrong with him. Xanthie had always been sharp. "Well, I'll be busy painting, so just make yourself at home."

"Sure. I will."

The dinner continued while they had short conversations with each other, as if they were back in old times. Kade tried his best to act and sound like old times, but it was hard, especially when smiling had become a chore to him.

"Just leave it in the sink," said Kade after dinner as Xanthie started cleaning the table. "I'll take care of it. I can't have my guest do the dishes."

Xanthie stilled, and he couldn't move for a couple of seconds. When did I become a guest? He glanced at Kade who was busy with his phone. They never treated each other as guests in each other's houses. That's why he was taken aback when Kade referred to him as a "guest."

Did I leave him alone so much that I'm a guest now?

"I'll do the dishes. Just go paint," Xanthie said and did the dishes silently.

Xanthie heard the chair move, and he was expecting Kade to leave, but Kade walked toward him, leaned against the countertop next to the kitchen, and then watched him wash the dishes.

Kade didn't say anything. He just watched him. And from time to time, Kade would check his phone as if he was waiting for someone's message.

"Hey, Xanthie." Kade finally spoke.

"What?"

"You'll be fine alone here in my house, right?"

He glanced at Kade, his eyes were questioning. "What do you mean?"

Kade played with his phone by balancing it between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm meeting someone. I'll probably stay the night and come home tomorrow."

Xanthie went back to washing the dishes. "One of your flings again?"

"Yeah."

"Since when did you start staying the night with your flings?"

Since I don't want to sleep under the same roof as you, Kade answered in his mind before he gave Xanthie a "safe" answer. "Just recently. So, can I leave you here alone?"

Xanthie felt like Kade was asking him if he could go to his fling with his permission, which was odd, but he was used to it at this point. This was not the first time Kade had been like this. When they were still roommates in college, Kade never failed to ask his permission.

And he always gave the same answer. "Just go, but don't stay the night. I'm making you a healthy breakfast tomorrow."

"Okay. See ya." Kade was quick to leave, and Xanthie was left alone in Kade's huge house.

Xanthie finished the dishes, tidied up the kitchen, checked the lock and security system, and then went to bed in the guest room.

Lying alone on the bed—it was deafening.

In this huge house, how the hell did Kade manage to live here alone?

Xanthie got up and silently sat on the bed. All he could hear was the ticking of the clock and his own breathing.

"Fuck." Xanthie clicked his tongue and ruffled his own hair before leaving the guest room and walking toward the piano room with his laptop and sheet music.

Xanthie was planning to pass his time writing a song, when he arrived at the piano room and saw that there was no piano inside. He even double-checked, thinking that he was in the wrong room, but he didn't make a mistake.

He was in the correct room. It was the piano that was not there.

Everything in the room was the same as he remembered. Except for the missing piano at the center.

He wanted to call Kade and ask, but he was pretty sure he was busy at the moment.

At that moment, his phone rang.

It was Fey.

"I just came home. Where are you?"

"Toronto."

Fey couldn't help letting out a sigh. "I thought your work in Toronto was cancelled. What are you doing there?"

"Just checking in on Kade."

"When will you be back?"

"I'll be back in two weeks."

Fey's eyebrow rose. "Your work was cancelled, but you chose to hang out with your best man for two weeks rather than spend time with your bride. Don't you think your priorities are a little screwed up?"

"It's Kade, Fey," Xanthie said as if that was enough of a reason.

Fey was not surprised by Xanthie's answer. He had always been like this when it was a matter concerning Kade. "You should be thankful that your bride is very forgiving."

Xanthie smiled. "Thanks, Fey."

Fey sighed again, and her tongue became sharp. "Xanthie, did it even occur to you that maybe Kade doesn't want you to check up on him?"

It did. "I don't care."

Of course, he doesn't care, Fey thought and continued. "Have you ever asked yourself why Kade left Montréal and moved to a different city five hours' drive away from you?"

"I don't care about his reason. He's my best friend, Fey. Who would care for him if not me?"

Fey became silent before she let the topic go. "Whatever. Just come home before your grandfather calls for you again."

"I will."

"I'm hanging up now. Call me if you need anything."

"Yeah, you too."

The call ended, and Xanthie stared at the screen of his phone for a little while.

It was indeed a good decision to tie the knot with Fey even though they lacked the sweetness a groom and a bride should have. No one understood him better than her. He dated a few over the years, and Fey was different from everyone else.

Xanthie slid his phone back into his pocket and picked up the guitar in the corner of the piano room and then stepped out.

Sitting on the long sofa inside the guest room, Xanthie passed the time composing a song with the guitar. He was just strumming the strings at first while humming the melody in his head. Then he turned it into chords and slowly added the lyrics that had been playing in his mind.

Then a knock broke his concentration.

It would be natural for him to get pissed at the person who messed up his focus. However, he heard the culprit's voice calling his name, and he just found himself stopping his work to open the door.

"You're back early," Xanthie commented.

Kade just stared at Xanthie for a couple of seconds, and without saying anything, he took a step closer, then rested his forehead against his shoulder as if exhausted.

Kade closed his eyes the moment he felt Xanthie's hand patting the back of his head. The warmth of Xanthie's hand and his scent invading his nostrils made Kade's dark, chaotic mind slowly calm down.

Xanthie didn't ask him anything. As usual. He just let Kade be while patting the back of his head as if comforting him.

Kade sighed to himself. This was the reason he couldn't move on. Xanthie always indulged him like this. However close and affectionate he would get, he never questioned his gestures—or how suggestive they were—and always naturally accepted them. He had been suppressing his growing affection for Xanthie over the years. He even moved to a different city, but there were times that he would slip and act on his feelings. And in those times, Xanthie never told him off.

At first, Kade thought he had a chance, but later realized that Xanthie was just too straight to give meaning to his gestures. Thus, he chose friendship. It was the safest role in Xanthie's life, and he planned to hold that position until the day he died.

Kade took a deep breath before pulling away and stepping back from Xanthie. He was finished recharging. It was enough to last until Xanthie's wedding.

"Sorry." He gave Xanthie a lopsided smile. "I had too much to drink."

"Always irresponsible." Xanthie clicked his tongue as his face darkened. "How many times do I have to tell you not to drive while under the influence of alcohol?"

Kade just smiled innocently at Xanthie.

"That's not going to work on me this time." Xanthie was pissed. He crossed his arms over his chest. "What if something happened to you?"

"But nothing happened." Kade was smiling as usual before pulling a face. "Have mercy on me, Xanthie. My night didn't go well."

Xanthie sighed and went back inside his room. "Is that why you're back early?"

Kade followed Xanthie to the long sofa and took a seat beside Xanthie. "Yeah."

"She must've realized you're just playing around."

Kade had a wry smile on his lips as he watched Xanthie pick up the guitar lying on the center table. I wonder what his reaction will be if he finds out that it's a "he" and not a "she"? Xanthie had never been prejudiced against the LGBTQ community, but that was because it had nothing to do with him.

Kade wondered what Xanthie would say if he found out that his best friend was gay?

Although he had no plan to come out to Xanthie, Kade often thought about what Xanthie would say if he ever did.

Oh, well. No use thinking of things that will never happen. Kade leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes while listening to Xanthie composing a song. For Kade, who hadn't had a good night's sleep for weeks, was not aware that he was leaning on Xanthie's shoulder while dozing off.

He was also not aware of how Xanthie stopped working so as to not disturb his sleep.

CECELIB | C.C.