Chapter Thirty Four: Confrontation

It had been a few days since Sasha had seen Rannok as more than a fleeting glance in the hallways. Somehow they always seemed to find themselves in the kitchen at different times. Sasha in the mornings, then again before lunch, then sometimes in the evenings if Rosa had enough for her to do. Rannok had usually long been sucked away to childcare or yardwork by then. This afternoon it was quiet, and Sasha was glad to be missing Rosa's usual bombardment of questions.

"Did you find a place to stay?" Rosa asked, the first thing she'd said all morning. 

Sasha looked up from the piece of beef she was chopping and nodded. "Someone in town rented me a room. It's not big but it's close enough to here." And it had a chair big enough to prop in front of the door at night that she could almost sleep soundly. Her hand curled around the knife as she thought to that first nice at the inn in Horizon, where she'd slunk to his room because she was too jumpy to get settled. Her mouth pressed into a line.

"Good," Rosa replied. She flipped the vegetables she'd set on to simmer, then cracked an egg into the pan. It hit the oil with a loud sizzle. "I'll need you to run to the market this morning, we're low on eggs and that confounded woman won't let me have chickens."

Sasha nodded and kept her head down. It hadn't taken her long to realize that when Rosa was in one of her moods, it was best not to interfere. Sasha could tell that she was in one because she'd been pulling at the flyaways in her hair since she'd arrived. 

"Do you ever talk?" Rosa asked. There was more edge to her voice than there probably needed to be, and Sasha flinched. 

"I try not to," Sasha replied. She left off the when you're in a snit that was so tempting to tack onto the end of it. 

"I only wanted company." Rosa pushed the egg around with her spatula. The smell of burning onions began to worm its way up Sasha's nose. "It must be lonely, avoiding everyone and staying as quiet as possible. Like a little mouse." She snorted. 

Sasha's face heated up to her ears. She tossed the chopped beef cubes into a bowl. Rosa had planned to cook them into a loaf with breadcrumbs and spices, but honestly Sasha didn't care if she burned the damn things. 

"Easy now," Rosa said under her breath, just barely loud enough to hear. It just made Sasha's hands grow tighter. She opened her mouth to say something when the outside door opened and Rannok strode in, wiping his brow.

"Thought you were trimming hedges," Rosa said. Sasha's arms tightened, just a little bit, and she turned away from him.

"I was," Rannok replied. "But I'm done now and I want to take a break before Pirya finds something else that's not my job for me to do."

Rosa laughed. "Everything's your job, you're an indentured servant. Just be glad you're not cleaning the latrines." Rosa's eyes darted to Sasha, who did her best to keep her hands busy. A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed it down without thinking.

Rannok walked across the room and reached into the cabinet for a glass. His arm bumped hers, and the knife she'd been holding slid out of her fingers and onto the floor. Sasha swore under her breath before reaching to pick it up. If she dented one of Rosa's nice kitchen knives she didn't doubt the woman would have her hide.

"Sorry," Rannok muttered, turning to face her, then reaching for it before she could. She took a step backwards and reached her hand out for it. Her shoulders straightened. Rosa's eyes darted between them for a half second, enough for Sasha to open her mouth as if she had something to say. 

But before she could, Rosa removed the pan from the stove and slid its contents onto one of the ceramic serving plates that lived in the cabinet. 

"I'm taking this up to Mantu. Clean up the counters, please. I don't want a mess when I come back." She gave both of them a pointed look before slipping through the doorway. 

Sasha reached out as if to stop her, then dropped it. Her eyes darted to Rannok. He placed the knife on the counter, then shut the cabinet behind him. "Are you okay?" 

His eyes softened when he looked at her, and Sasha's stomach tightened into a hard knot. She nodded and moved to turn away. Rannok let a long sigh leave his nose. Sasha could hear the rustling of his wings as he placed his hand on her arm. 

"Sasha."

"I'm fine," she said quietly, though her voice wobbled like a whining child's when she said it. Rannok removed his hand from her arm and stared at her, mouth turned downward.

"Are we going to talk about this?" he asked. He rocked back on the counter and folded his arms. "Or are we just going to keep not talking to each other until we get old and die on this island?"

Sasha blinked back the tears that were threatening to form. What was there to talk about? She'd tried to save him and she couldn't. Now they were both stuck here, even though she could never be what he wanted. It hurt so badly she wanted to scream.

"I'm sorry," she said. Her voice came out of her mouth like a whisper. "I just meant to help you. When your year is up we can go back to the mainland and pretend this never happened." She swallowed hard. "I can't—"

"You can't what?"

Sasha shook her head and picked up a cloth to wipe the counters with. She didn't answer. She didn't know what the answer was well enough to articulate it. 

Rannok paused for a moment as if he were thinking about what to say. She fought not to meet his eyes, to keep her eyes on the counter and her work. It was familiar and safe and kept her from thinking about worse things.

"I love you," he said.

Sasha froze mid-swipe, her whole arm locking at the elbow. "Don't."

He moved a little bit closer to her, and the air around them grew thick. Sasha's arm prickled. He sighed and dropped his hand before it could reach her, then ran it across his face. A pained noise escaped his lips. "Sasha, we've been traveling around together and sleeping in the same bed for almost three years."   

"I know," Sasha said. She fought with herself to get the words out. "And I thought—" She closed her eyes tight. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you." She turned to face him. His eyebrows curved upwards all at once, like he'd suddenly made some kind of terrible realization.

"Sasha. That—" He sighed again and shook his head. "I don't think...that doesn't mean the same thing in Terres. I just wasn't expecting it. I—"

"--Then what does it mean?" she asked. Her chest grew tight. She remembered the sleepless night in the woods and the sword hiding in the corner and the fact that she was trapped here all because of him. "Because I am done saving you from yourself when you can't even care enough not to throw me away the second I try to matter."

Rannok's eyes widened. He took a fraction of a step closer to her. "How could you possibly think even for half a second that I don't care about you? How could you—" He closed his eyes again for a moment. "What is wrong with you that you think I don't care just because you caught me by surprise one time?"

Sasha's eyes pricked with fresh tears. Memories of lying awake at night waiting for bad things to happen creeped back into her mind. Memories of badmen who prowled around corners in the dark. Memories of her brother trying to protect her and of chairs propped against doorknobs. She thought of how the thought of him touching her made her so scared she wanted to vomit. Sasha's entire body shuddered backwards.

"A lot, Rannok," she said, the words hot and angry, like a torrent she'd been holding in too long. "A lot's wrong with me."

She turned and fled toward the hallway, feet carrying her just short of a run,arm wiping at her eyes. She brushed past Rosa on the way out the door, barely caring when the plate she was holding went crashing to the floor.

"What did he stuff up this time?" she demanded, though Sasha didn't stop for long enough to answer.   

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