Song: It's Over Now- Kyla

Reasons

Everyone from the hospital welcomed us with smiles on their faces. I feel like they're grateful that we're back.

Some nurses who I haven't talked to before are smiling at me. I gladly return the smile. They look shocked. Hindi nila inaasahan na ibabalik ko ang ngiting ibinibigay nila sa akin.

Lumapit naman sa akin si Miranda, ang head nurse ng ospital na ito. She gave me the medical record of the first patient I will be having today. We walked towards the emergency room.

"Leila Castillo. Twenty-eight years old. Involved in a car accident but only has minor injuries. She's over here, Doc." Miranda pointed at the woman who's sitting on the medical bed. Lumapit ako sakanya.

"Thanks, Miranda." sabi ko. Nakita ko namang kumunot ang noo niya.

"You're... welcome." then she walked away wondering why I thanked her.

Hindi kasi ako ganoon dati. After they tell me about the patient's information, I will just dismiss them immediately. Hindi na nagpapasalamat sakanila. But everything's changed. It isn't too late to change, right?

"Hello, Leila." I greeted my first patient. Tumingala siya sa akin. I examined her arm. She has a deep cut. Pati na rin sa mukha niya ay mayroon rin.

I grabbed a chair at umupo doon. Hinila ko ang lalagyan kung nasaan ang mga kakailanganin ko. Kinuha ko naman ang kanyang braso para gamutin na ang kanyang sugat.

While I'm in the middle of cleaning up her wounds, she spoke.

"You're a very beautiful doctor." She complimented me. Tiningnan ko siya at ngumiti. Binalik ko muli ang sarili sa paggagamot ng kanyang sugat.

"Thank you," I replied.

"But you look sad." Dagdag niya. Hindi ko siya tiningnan at pinagpatuloy nalang ang ginagawa. Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo para mas makita pa ang kanyang sugat.

"I'm not." sagot ko.

"You are." Tumawa nalang ako para hindi ipakita na totoo nga ang iniisip niya.

"Stop pretending." she added. Dahil doon, napaangat ako ng tingin sakanya. "It hurts more if you pretend. I've been through that... trust me." she smirked at me.

"I don't have a choice." Sabi ko at sabay tumayo para ang sugat niya naman sa mukha ang magamot ko.

I heard her sighed. "According to the book I've read... Sometimes... we get sad about things and we don't like to tell people that we're sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don't know why we're sad, so we say we aren't sad but we really are. That's why it's important to let it go, darling."

"I see that you've suffered long enough and it's time for you to let go. You deserve to be happy." she added. I started stitching up her wounds. Hindi na ako sumagot at hindi na rin naman niya dinuktungan ang kanyang sinabi.

"We're done." I said as I've finished. Sinundan niya naman ako ng tingin hanggang sa matapos akong magligpit. I wrote something on her medical record. And while I'm in the middle of doing it, she spoke again.

"Remember what I said, darling. Let go of what's hurting you. Happiness is a choice, choose it." she smiled. I nodded.

"I will." I said.

I attended a lot of patients that day. Patungo ako sa aking opisina nang biglang tumunog ang aking cellphone. It was my Dad calling.

I guess... today is the day.

He gave me a lot of days before he finally decided to talk to me. And I guess, he's calling because he wants that to happen now.

"Hello?" I said once I answered his call.

"Head over to the headquarters now." aniya.

"Okay." I said. Then I hang up.

And I'm right... today is the day. And he doesn't care kung hindi pa tapos ang shift ko ngayon. He wants to talk now. He wants to hear what I have to say with what happened back in Afghanistan. And I pray to God... that this talk... will turn out fine.

Nang marating ko ang headquarters ay agad akong nagtungo papunta sa opisina ni Daddy. Some soldiers greeted me pero wala akong oras para pansinin sila. I'm too nervous to even acknowledge anyone's presence.

When I finally reached his office, I breathed hard before I opened it. And when I entered... hindi ko inaasahan na makita rin siya dito. He did not turn his head on me. Nanatili lang siyang nakatingin kay Daddy.

And my Dad looks hella mad right now. I took all the courage that I have left at nagsimula nang lumapit sa kanila.

"Dad..." I said. Tiningnan niya lang ako at tsaka bumaba ang tingin sa mga nakalatag sa kanyang lamesa. Sinundan ko rin ito ng tingin.

In front of him were my pictures of going into Jaxon's room at night and the next were pictures of me going out of his room the next morning. My mouth parted. Mukhang galing ito mula sa CCTVs. Hindi ko naman alam na may ganoon pala doon. I should've been more careful. We should've been more careful.

Inangat ko naman ang tingin ko sakanya. He's waiting for me to speak. Pero parang naputol ata ang dila ko dahil hindi ako makapagsalita.

"Explain these to me. You entered his office at 2100 and you left his office at 0530. What happened during those hours?"

Neither of us spoke. I think speaking is not the answer. It's staying quiet. Because I feel like when one of us spoke... sasabog si Daddy sa galit.

"I'm going to ask again... Did something happen between you two during those hours?" ulit niya.

Nakakabinging katahimikan ang bumalot sa buong silid. I can even feel my heart pounding inside my chest dahil sa sobrang kaba. Nilingon ko si Jaxon na diretsong nakatingin kay Daddy. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanyang kamay na nakakuyom ngayon. I can see his veins dahil sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakakuyom niya.

"I already told you about it, Sir. Yes. Something happened between us." dire-diretsong sinabi ni Jaxon. My mouth parted.

I can't believe he can admit that in front of my father.

My father chuckled. Hanggang sa naging tawa na ito. "So, it is true then." Umiling siya to show his disappointment towards Jaxon.

"Alam mo... hindi ako naniniwala na mayroon ngang nangyari sainyo. Even though you confirmed it to me over the phone." Nilingon niya si Jaxon. My mouth parted.

He did?! He confirmed it to my father?

Nagpabalik balik ang tingin ko sakanilang dalawa. Say something, Margaux. Wag mong hayaan na siya lang ang magsalita. Speak!

My dad is about to open his mouth pero inunahan ko na siya.

"Dad... It was my fault," he turned to me. He raised his brows at me at hinintay na ituloy ko ang sasabihin ko. "I'm the one who initiated. We wouldn't have done it if I did not force him to sleep with me."

Jaxon shifted on his place. Nanatili naman akong nakatingin kay Daddy. Niliitan niya ako ng mata, almost glaring at me. Then he shook his head. Hindi na maitago pa ang pagkadismaya sa aming dalawa.

"I couldn't hide my disappointment anymore. Especially with you, Captain Ventura."

He stays frozen in his place pero kitang-kita ko kung paano niya ikuyom ang kanyang palad. I wanted to reach for it. But I can't.

"You did not even tell me she got shot-"

"Dad, I was the one who asked him not to-"

"I am not talking to you." he pointed at me. I shut my mouth.

"Why didn't you tell me? You were supposed to update me all the time. At tingnan mo ang ginawa mo! You were-"

"Dad, please. Hindi niya kasalanan. It was my fault why he didn't tell you. Ayokong mag-aalala kayo sa akin. At isa pa, he was shot more than me and I-"

"But that isn't enough to hide it from me!" my dad almost shouted. I took a step back a little. Hindi inasahan ang muntikan niyang pag-sigaw.

"What did I tell you from the beginning, Jaxon, huh? What?!"

I was surprised when my dad called him by his first name. Not addressing him by his rank anymore. Kung titingnan mong mabuti, kitang-kita mo agad ang galit na nananalatay sa kanyang katawan.

"You told me to update you what is happening around the barracks. You told me to update you about all her doings."

"And what did you do?"

"I did not tell you about her getting shot, sir. I kept it because she asked me to. And I'm sorry. I should've listened to you, General."

"This has to have consequences. I couldn't let this one pass."

"Yes, sir." Jaxon nodded. My forehead creased.

"What!? No!" I interrupted. "If he has to face those consequences... then let me face them, too."

Tinagilid ni Daddy ang kanyang ulo at sabay humalukipkip.

"It was my fault why he's here. Kung hindi dahil sa akin, he wouldn't be in trouble. He's here because of me. It was all my fault, Dad. Kaya ako ang parusahan mo. Not him."

Nanahimik si Daddy. Naramdaman ko namang gumalaw si Jaxon sa gilid ko.

"Margaux..." he called. Hindi ko siya nilingon. "Don't do this."

"Shut up, Jaxon..." I whispered.

Nagpalipat-lipat naman ang tingin ni Daddy sa aming dalawa.

"So, please Dad. Ako ang parusahan mo. I will accept these consequences wholeheartedly. Just... not him." My voice broke. I can feel that my eyes are starting to water.

Nakita ko namang kumunot ang noo ni Daddy. "Sabihin mo nga sa akin... Do you love him, Margaux?" he asked.

Nang dahil doon ay tsaka lang ako nilingon muli ni Jaxon. I did not face him. Nanatili lang akong nakatingin kay Daddy.

"Yes," I bravely told him. "More than anything, Dad." my lips started to tremble. I quickly wiped away my tears when they started to fall.

His jaw clenched. Then he turned to Jaxon again. "I told you to just protect her. Not to make her fall in love with you."

Yumuko na lamang ako at hinayaang tumulo ang aking mga luha.

"Do you even love her back?" My dad asks him. I shut my eyes at kinuyom ang aking mga kamay. I wanted to put my hands on my ears para hindi ko marinig ang sasabihin niya.

Because hearing him say that he doesn't love me back in front of me will hurt so bad. That's why it's better if I wouldn't hear it. Pero kahit ano atang gawin ko... kailangan kong marinig iyon. Kailangan kong harapin ang katotohanan. That not all people will feel the same way.

"Yes, sir." he answered. Napaangat naman ako ng tingin at bumaling sakanya. Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luha sa aking mukha at labis na nagulat sa sinabi niya.

He... does?

"Jaxon..." I whispered his name, hoping that he heard me and he will finally turn to me again. My mouth stayed open hindi parin makapaniwala sa narinig mula sakanya.

I heard my dad laughed mockingly at us. Hindi ko siya pinansin. I was too busy digesting what Jaxon just said.

"This is not what I expected from you, Jaxon. You broke my trust by making my daughter fall in love with you. What I commanded is for you to protect her and you-"

"What's so wrong about making me fall in love with him, dad? It was my choice to love him! And neither of us was expecting for these things to happen. But it did! Because it was fate who decided. And I-"

"You have to consider your position, too, Jaxon." My father interrupted me. Hindi pinansin ang kung ano mang sinasabi ko. My forehead creased. How can he?!

"You are bound to be the next general. And what you did... just lost your credibility of becoming one. And I'm afraid I have to withdraw my decision. I couldn't just give away my position like that. You have to work hard for it," he continued. Tiningnan niya naman ako bago magpatuloy.

"And while you're working hard for it... you have to leave my daughter alone."

"Dad!"

"Are we clear, Captain Ventura?" he asks. Clearly not acknowledging my presence.

"Dad, please don't do this..." I pleaded. Pero hindi niya parin ako pinaunlakan ng pansin. He keeps on ignoring my presence kahit na nandidito parin ako at naririnig ang kung ano mang sinasabi niya.

"I can't let you do that, Dad!"

Jaxon didn't speak. Nanatili lang siyang tahimik.

"Are we clear, Captain Ventura?" he repeated the question. His tone is giving so much authority.

"Yes, General." Jaxon whispered his answer. Sumandal naman si Daddy sa kanyang swivel chair at marahang tumango.

"No." I said. They both turn to look at me. I walked towards Jaxon, closing the distance between us. "No, you're not going to leave me alone."

Hindi ko hahayaang gawin niya iyon. I promised myself that once I knew that he feels the same... I will fight for him. And that's what I'm doing right now. I have to keep my promise.

I grabbed both of his cheeks so he can look at me pero hindi niya ginawa iyon. Sa halip, he removed both of my hands at iniwas ang kanyang mukha.

My mouth parted with what he did. "No..."

"That's all for today, Captain Ventura. You may leave this office now." Hinarap niyang muli si Daddy. He saluted and was ready to go out his office but I stopped him.

"No!" I shouted. Hinawakan ko siya sa kanyang palapulsuan para pigilan siya. "You are not going to leave this office until I told you to." I pointed at him. My tears are non-stop now. I just couldn't find a signal to stop.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Bumaba naman ang tingin niya sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kanyang palapulsuan. Mamaya maya pa ay nararamdaman kong inaalis niya na ang pagkakakapit ko sakanya.

My jaw dropped. Tiningnan ko siya nang mabuti. Umaasang titingnan niya ako pabalik. But it never happened.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered bago siya tuluyang lumabas ng opisina ni Daddy.

"And for you, Margaux..." My dad started. Lumingon naman ako sakanya. I walked towards his table and slammed both of my hands on it.

"How dare you do that, Dad?" I asked. Nanginginig ang aking labi dahil sa pag-iyak.

"It was for your own good." aniya. I laughed mockingly.

"Own good?" I shake my head. "Oh! Right! You always know what's good for me!" I laughed harder kahit na sobrang nasasaktan ako sa nangyayari ngayon.

He raised his gaze at me at kumunot ang noo. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh! You know what I'm talking about."

He coldly stares at me at hinintay akong ituloy ang sasabihin ko.

"You think dictating for my life is good for me?" I asked him. He opened his mouth to speak pero inunahan ko na siya.

"All my life... All I did was to do something for you. I was barely doing anything for myself," suminghap ako at pinagpatuloy ang sinasabi.

"And you know what that makes me feel? Useless. Because I couldn't stand on my own. I always think that I have to depend on you- for my decisions. And in the process of doing anything you want to make you proud of me. I was slowly... slowly... hurting myself."

Pumikit ako at marahang pinalis ang mga luha sa aking mata. Seryoso niya lang akong tinitigan. It's hard that I couldn't read him. Hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman niya. Because right now, I don't know if he's hurt that he's hearing these words from me.

"I was breaking into pieces! And you didn't know that, right? Because you weren't looking! You are busy expecting a lot from me. I was in pain for years! I kept it all to myself for years!" I covered my mouth to stop my hiccups. My dad shifted from his seat.

I can't believe I'm breaking down in front of my father. I just lost control. At sa tingin ko hindi ko na kayang ilihim pa ang lahat ng ito sa sarili ko. I'm done hiding.

I'm done pretending.

Naalala ko ang sinabi sa akin ng pasyente kong si Leila. The more I try to pretend, the more it will hurt. At susundin ko ang sinabi niya sa akin.

To let it go.

"Margaux..." He calmly called me.

"You were supposed to be the one to see what's wrong. But what happens is that... You made yourself the reason I was hurting. You know... I couldn't thank you enough for what you did. Actually, I'm really grateful." I tried to smile kahit na alam kong imposible.

"But please, Dad... Please. Just for once... let me decide on my own. Let me decide for myself. I want a decision that will make me happy. And that decision... Will involve Jaxon being in it."

His jaw clenched.

"I beg you to take back your decision. I want to be with him, Dad. I want to be with him." I whispered the last sentence umaasang sasapian siya ng awa. But he remained serious.

"I already decided, Margaux. I'm..." I raised my hand to stop him. I nodded.

I forgot. Nakalimutan ko na kapag nakagawa na siya ng desisyon. Wala kang magagawa kung hindi suportahan nalang rin ang desisyon niyang iyon.

"Okay..." paulit-ulit akong tumango. When I raised my gaze at him, I don't know if I'm hallucinating or not, but his eyes soften a bit.

"I will run after him. Even if you don't want me to. Pagod na ako, Daddy. Pagod na akong maging sunod-sunuran sa'yo. And I will fight for him. Hanggang sa mapagod ako."

I turned my back on him at lumabas na ng opisina niya. Nagpalingalinga ako pagkalabas ko. Hinahanap ni anino ni Jaxon. But I couldn't find him anywhere.

Inalala ko kung nasaan ang opisina niya. He brought me in his office the first time we met. At pilit kong inalala ang direksyon nun.

Nagsimula akong tumakbo. Tinahak ang daan patungo sa kanyang opisina. Ang mga sundalo ay sinusundan ako ng tingin at tila ba nagtataka kung anong ginagawa ko. I stopped running nang makita ko siyang papasok na ng kanyang opisina. I sighed in relief. Buti at naabutan ko siya.

"Ganon nalang 'yun?" I asked before he can enter his office. Natigil siya ng sandali bago niya ako nilingon.

"Won't you even fight for me?" I asked again. He just stood there in front of me, doing nothing. "Iiwan mo nalang ako basta? Hahayaan mong sundin ang utos niya?"

"Margaux, he's your father. And he's the general. He's my boss and I will follow him." Napapikit ako sa sinabi niya.

"But what about your heart? Hindi mo susundin 'yun?"

Hindi siya sumagot. Nanatili lang siyang nakatingin sa akin. Tila ba hinihintay maputol ang nalalabi kong pasensya. Malapit na. Malapit nang maputol ito.

I waited for him to speak. Kasi gusto ko siya naman ang mag-salita ngayon. Gusto ko siyang marinig ko ngayon. I'm going to listen to whatever he has to say.

"Margaux, I love you." Aniya. My tears start to fall because of it. "But I just think it isn't right-"

Totoo ba ang sinasabi niya? Bakit hindi ko maramdaman? Kasi... Kung mahal mo talaga ang isang tao ipaglalaban mo siya. Pero ano ang ginagawa niya?

He's not fighting for me.

"Mahal mo ba talaga ako?" My voice started to break. "Di ko kasi ramdam, e." His mouth parted. I think he wanted to get near me but he's stopping himself.

"Iparamdam mo naman sa akin oh." My voice cracked again and so is my heart. This brokenness is too much to handle in one day. Too much...

Hindi siya sumagot. Instead, he shook his head multiple times. Hanggang sa talikuran niya ako upang makapasok na siya sa kanyang opisina.

Pero nagsalita ulit ako bago niya tuluyang magawa 'yun.

"You'll just walk out like that?" Napatigil siya nang dahi sa sinabi ko.

"Margaux, please..." He begged.

"I chose you, you know. I chose to run after you kahit alam kong mali. Alam mo kung bakit?" hinahanap ko ang mga mata niya.

"Because I love you. And I'd choose you... over and over again..."

He remained silent. Gosh! This is why I hate silence. It's not because it's peaceful. But it only makes you feel how much it hurts.

"Can you do the same for me?" I begged.

"I'm sorry, Margaux." He turned his back again on me. Again. I feel like he's been turning his back on me a hundred times already. And it clearly shows that he can't choose me over his position.

His position is all that matters for him. Pero sige... Pipilitin kong intindihin iyon. Mananatili akong ipaglalaban siya kahit alam kong imposibleng gawin niya rin pabalik sa akin iyon.

Dahil may tatlo akong rason kung bakit ko ginagawa ito.

First, I want to decide for myself. I don't want my father to decide for me anymore or to anyone else around me. I've had enough.

And I'm willing to fight for my decision, even if it meant to ruin my relationship with my father.

Second, I know loving him was a mistake. But I believe that sometimes you have to make a big mistake— to figure out how to make things right.

And loving him... makes things right. Loving him... feels right.

And third, I am unconditionally and deeply in love with him.