Nathan goes to grab his car keys, and he comes back with a fur-lined denim jacket for me. I didn't even realize I walked out of the house without a jacket on, and I didn't realize how cold I was until I slip it on.

"Thanks," I say when we're all in the car.

Nathan nods at me, starting the car. "No problem."

Clara sticks her head between the two front seats. "So where to?"

I hesitate. "I..." I swallow. "I don't know for sure."

I see Nathan and Clara glance at each other out of the corner of my eye, but I keep my eyes on the dashboard as the reality sinks in that I don't even know where my brother is buried. I know the name of the cemetery, but I don't know what block or row number. We might be driving around for hours if we go in blindly.

"Do you think you could call your parents?" Clara asks.

I shut my eyes, letting out a breath as I grab my phone. "This is gonna suck."

Nathan offers me a smile. "I think they'll be understanding about it."

I know Mom and Dad definitely will be. I just don't know how Hannah is going to react when she finds out I'm calling Mom after disappearing out of nowhere. I tell Nathan the name of the cemetery, so we can at least start driving there. Once he puts it into his phone and drives, I call Mom. My heart thuds against my chest as my phone rings, waiting for Mom to pick up.

"Mona?" Mom answers. There's a desperation in her voice, and it makes me wonder if she used this voice before. If she used it last January. "Where are you right now?"

Instead of responding to her question, I find myself saying, "I'm sorry." Mom doesn't say anything for the longest time, so I repeat, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to run out... Again..."

Mom sighs. "Well... I understand why you did. Hannah shouldn't have said that to you."

I swallow. "You don't think she's right...?"

Mom goes quiet again. Then, all at once, she says, "No. I don't think she's right. What happened to Morgan wasn't your fault, Mona." She pauses. "Have you felt like it was your fault?" I don't respond, but that's answer enough. "Mona—"

"I'm really, really sorry," I whisper, gripping my phone. "I didn't mean to—"

"Mona," Mom interrupts, her voice soothing. "Honey, it's okay."

I laugh, wiping the tears from my eyes with my sleeve. "How can you say that when Morgan's gone and it's all my fault?"

Clara puts a hand on my shoulder, and I put my free hand over hers. She gently squeezes, and I know Nathan would try to comfort me in some way if he wasn't driving.

"It's not your fault," Mom says. "Hannah shouldn't have said that to you. It was no one's fault. It just happened, okay?"

I swallow. "It still feels like my fault."

Her voice softens. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I made Morgan think I didn't care about him anymore, but he still went to look for me that night." I laugh softly. "He was always the better twin, right, Mom? The sweeter one? The angel? And I was the little monster?"

"Oh, sweetheart, you were both little monsters." That startles a laugh out of me, and I hear Mom chuckle on the other end. "Mona, I think Morgan knew better than anyone that you loved and cared about him. And we all know he loved and cared about you. Just because you guys were fighting before he died doesn't mean it was your fault. You just needed to clear your head that night. Maybe it wasn't your best idea, but that doesn't mean you forced Morgan to do anything. He wanted to come after you because he loved and cared for you. Just like you loved and cared for him. Okay?"

I'm not sure I wholeheartedly believe her, but at least I know she doesn't think Morgan's death is all my fault like Hannah does. That means she doesn't hate me, so I nod like she can see me, the tears drying on my face. "Okay..."

Mom exhales. "So are you coming home then?"

"Not right now. Nathan and Clara are taking me to Morgan's grave because I didn't think you guys would after what Hannah said."

Mom's voice grows distant as she relays the information to the others. So that means they all know I'm okay. Good. I don't want them to worry about me disappearing completely. I'll be back.

"Okay," Mom says, her voice clear again. "No worries. Just tell us when you're on your way back."

I lick my lips. "Okay. But... um... can you text me exactly where his grave is? I don't know for sure."

There's no judgment in her voice when she says, "I'll text it to you. Just be careful tonight and have a good start to your birthday."

I tell her I'll try. We start to exchange goodbyes, but before we hang up, I hear Hannah ask if she can talk to me. Out of instinct, I end the call before Mom can even ask me, dropping my phone into my lap. I hold my hand to my chest, rubbing a thumb against the fur on Nathan's jacket to calm myself down.

I get a text from Mom a moment later with the block and row Morgan's grave is on. I tell Nathan and Clara, and Clara puts it into Nathan's phone, so we can head straight there. While she does that, I look out the window at the passing scenery, counting my breaths. I feel queasier than usual like my body doesn't even want me to breathe right now. I don't blame it.

"Do you want to tell us what happened?" Clara asks. I take a deep breath and tell them about what happened after I hung up with Nathan. I keep my eyes on the dashboard, but I feel Nathan glance at me and Clara flat-out stare at me. When I'm done, Clara frowns. "Hannah is such a bi—"

"Big sister that's trying to protect you in her own way," Nathan interrupts, shooting Clara a look through the rearview mirror. He glances at me, his expression softening. "She really shouldn't have said that to you, and she shouldn't have been so controlling just because she was worried. But I think she really does care about you."

I nod, staring straight ahead. "I know. I think that's why I feel bad." I rub my face. "I didn't want to worry anyone in my family because of what happened last January, but I guess Hannah's been worried this entire time no matter what I did."

Clara puts her hand on my shoulder. "That's not on you. She shouldn't have expected you to put your entire life and feelings on hold just to keep her calm. Even if she is just a big sister that cares about you in her own way."

I nod. "I guess." I take a deep breath and turn to smile at Nathan and Clara. "Thank you for driving me. I'm sorry—"

Clara shakes her head. "Don't apologize. We want to do this."

Nathan nods. "We really don't mind."

Nathan starts to reach over to take my hand. Flashes of the car crash go through my head, and my body goes rigid. I flinch away from him. "Both hands on the wheel, please."

He does as I say, but he laughs, too. "Mona, I can drive with one hand."

I shrug. "The roads are still icy."

He glances at me. "You know if you don't want to hold my hand, you can just say so."

Clara snorts, hitting Nathan lightly in the shoulder. "Look at you being more direct without your ambiguous poems." She turns to me, smiling. "You can't say no to that, Mona."

No. I really can't. I take a deep breath and put my hand palm up on the center divide. Nathan interlaces his fingers with mine. I wait for us to veer off the road, but we never do. But I guess I still feel tense because Nathan tightens his hold on my hand and Clara puts her hand on my shoulder.

I really don't know what I did to deserve them in my life. Having them around has made me feel so much better these past few weeks. In fact, the guilt I've felt for the past year isn't as strong as it usually is. I can barely even feel it.