(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 91 - Written In My Memory)

"What did?" Jess demands, the tremor in her voice clearly audible. "What started last summer?"

Callie seems to take forever to speak. I can only watch in disbelief at her fucking timing. 

"You'd just come back from LA after visiting Harry, and you thought he'd been shagging around behind your back with Taylor Swift," she begins, looking directly at Jess. "You were a mess. You were barely eating, barely functioning. You looked like death."

I fidget nervously, uncomfortable with this being brought up in front of me on our anniversary. 

"I convinced you to come out one night and we ended up in the same bar as Nick Grimshaw," Callie continues. "You had another row with Harry on the phone - I can't even remember what about - and that set you back even further. You were moping around, crying all the time... I was so worried about you. All he ever seemed to do was humiliate you publicly. There was the story about him hooking up with some girl on tour, only a few days after you two met -"

"Which had happened before I even knew Jess!" I interject, unable to hold my tongue. 

"Then there was the whole Taylor Swift fiasco, then there was that girl who had the matching tattoos who was dating him while you were supposedly seeing him -"

"We've been through this, that was a load of bullshit," I growl, struggling to contain the fury rising in me. 

"I know!" Callie snaps impatiently. "I'm setting the scene, trying to explain, if you'd just shut your arrogant mouth and let me speak."

The sheer fucking audacity of this girl. 

"Careful, you almost showed your true colours," I snipe. 

I can see Jess looking back and forth between the two of us with her mouth open, clearly bemused by the turn this conversation has taken. 

"Anyway," Callie emphasises, "you ended up dumping him on the phone, and I remember being astounded that you were the one to break things off, considering how crazy you were about him. I mean, you were in love with the guy when all he did was treat you like shit." 

All I did was treat her like shit? She has literally just been saying that she's got me all wrong! 

I take a deep breath, ready to defend myself, but she throws me a look of death. 

"I'm telling it like I saw it, before you interrupt me with your self-inflated opinions," she delivers, and I shut my mouth, inwardly seething but conscious that we're still in a room full of people and I don't want to draw unnecessary attention to us. 

"The second break up was even worse than the first," Callie continues, turning back to Jess who is apparently speechless. "You just cried constantly. I was worried you would hurt yourself, or worse... I've never seen you in such a state."

I feel uncomfortable hearing this told from Callie's point of view. I mean, I knew Jess had been upset but I didn't know Callie had been this worried about her. 

"And then we went to the Big Weekend," Callie is saying, "and you seemed to be a bit happier; you were laughing and joking with us, and it was so obvious Gary had a crush on you. I hoped he might be just what you needed to move on from Harry -"

Fucking Barry. 

" - but then Harry showed up with his sister, and I thought she was his girlfriend and you kissed Gary to make Harry jealous and everything went wrong again." 

My stomach clenches sickeningly at the memory of Jess kissing Gary right in front of me. I've tried hard to erase that image, but of course Callie brings it expertly in front of my face again. But her story isn't finished yet:  

"You had another row with Harry and you were back to square one - a trembling wreck. And it started to become obvious that every time Harry came into your life he just made you miserable. He couldn't go five minutes without messing you around, or making you cry, and I knew you would never be happy as long as you were hankering after him."

She pauses at this point and I risk a glance with Jess who looks pained at this memory too. 

"Anyway, you left us in Norwich and went to your mum and dad's, and Harry came up to me at the bar. He was looking for you, and he was almost in as much of a state as you were. He was pulling at his hair, asking me where you were, and his eyes had this look of desperation. I realised then that he was in love with you, but you'd said you needed to break all contact with him to get over him."

Nice to know I'm like an open  book, even to those who don't know me.  

"I tried to call you to tell you he'd been looking for you, but your phone was switched off. I texted you, asking you to call me urgently, but you texted back saying you didn't want to talk. I took that as a sign that it wasn't meant to be. I didn't want to get your hopes up by telling you he was in love with you, because I knew that would make it harder for you to let him go. But as it turned out, he drove to Cambridge to find you, and all of a sudden you were back together again. When I saw you at the Fleetwood Mac concert a week or so later, it was as though someone had flicked a switch. You were on cloud nine, and that worried me again, because he seemed to have such power over you. He held your heart in the palm of his hand, and he controlled your feelings. If he was nice to you, you were flying. If he messed you about, you were practically suicidal."

"Hardly suicidal," Jess mutters, a little scornfully with an eye roll. 

"OK, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but it's not far off the mark," Callie insists. "And then at the Fleetwood Mac after-party, he upset you again. You wouldn't tell me why, but you'd disappeared off with him and when you came back your face spoke a thousand words. He was lurking behind you looking miserable, and I knew he'd fucked up again - he even admitted it."

Well at least Jess hasn't spilled all of my misdemeanours. I feel a rush of love for her loyalty, even when at times I didn't deserve it. 

"I didn't like the way he seemed to treat you," Callie says bluntly. "He came across as arrogant to me, like he knew the effect he had on you and sometimes he played on it. And if he loved you, why didn't he just tell you? I'd always thought he looked like a bit of a prat, but it just seemed like everything he did compounded this image I had of him. I disliked him more and more." 

My discomfort is increasing with every word she says. It's one thing reading articles about me, or online comments from people who dislike me, but listening to Callie speak them out loud right next to me, when she is fully aware of my presence... well that is a whole new level of discomfort. 

"He isn't arrogant," Jess is arguing, but Callie has more to say. 

"Anyway, you made up again and things were great, and he finally told you he loved you -"

"You told her about that?" I mutter to Jess, embarrassment now added to the discomfort. How much has she told her? 

"-and then... then he slept with that model in New York."

Well, it was bound to get brought up. I feel like our whole relationship is defined by other people by this single event. 

"I knew, Jess - I knew the second I saw the news article about her leaving his hotel that he'd been unfaithful to you. And you literally fell to pieces again, because of him." 

I swallow hard, my cheeks flaming now. I stare down at my feet so I don't have to look at either of them. I don't want to hear someone else's eyewitness account of how devastated Jess was by what I did to her. But apparently I have no choice.

"You hit rock bottom," Callie states, her eyes flashing, "and I hated him for it, and at the same time I felt so guilty for being the one who had taken you to that house party where you first met. He broke you again, and yet something didn't feel right about it all. I told you at the time I thought there was more to it, didn't I? I mean, the guy loved you. Why would he cheat? The whole thing was weird. I wondered if it had been a fake story, set up by his management to increase the band's popularity, but then I did some research into One Direction and soon realised they were fucking massive. They didn't need to worry about trying to become more appealing."

Wait - Callie actually thought there was more to it? This girl is unbelievable. 

"In the meantime, you'd zoomed off to Brussels to confront Harry, and I was convinced you were going to take him back. But he turned you down and sent you away, and told you he didn't love you."

Do girls literally tell each other everything? Like, word for word?  

"I mean, it confirmed once again that he was a dickhead, but it didn't make any sense. I knew there must be more to it because I knew he did love you - he had all but admitted it to me. But you were so broken over the whole thing that I didn't push my theories onto you. You had finally opened your eyes and seen him for what he was, and to be perfectly honest I was glad you'd decided to give up on him because he brought you nothing but pain and misery. But I also couldn't throw away all your stuff when you asked me to, because a little part of me believed that one day you might just get the answers you wanted, and that maybe you would want to keep some of the stuff for the memories. Or you could just sell it on eBay and make a fortune." 

I'm dizzy from all this chopping and changing like the wind. She knew I loved Jess but didn't want Jess to be with me, but couldn't chuck all Jess's stuff away when asked in case she might want it back...? 

"As the days passed, you just seemed flat; numb, almost. You'd stopped crying over him, but you just seemed disinterested in everything. I was worried you might be suffering from depression. I managed to convince you to get out for the evening and set you up with Adam, and for a while it seemed like you were starting to perk up. Then we went to Libertine, and something happened between you and Louis outside."

I do NOT want to relive that moment. If I could put my fingers in my ears and la-la-la my way through this, I would. 

"I could tell you were jittery, and then of course Harry showed up, clicked his fingers and you went off back to his hotel and let him ruin you all over again. I tried to warn you the next morning when I saw the gossip articles about you, Louis and Harry, but by the time I spoke to you, you had completely shut down. I know you argued with Harry again, and he told you he set you up. I hated him with a vengeance from that day forward."

Actually, I didn't tell her that I set her up, but I understand that's how Jess took it. And although I feel a hatred for Callie deep in the pit of my stomach like nothing I have ever felt before, I also feel a tiny glimmer of understanding. Because if I were hearing this story about a guy treating my sister like this, I think I would hate him too. Although Callie only knows part of the story, it does explain why she had such extreme reactions towards the idea of me getting back together with Jess. 

Callie takes another deep breath. "That night seemed to be a turning point for you. It was like you had finally realised you needed to let him go. You seemed almost resigned to what happened, like you were numb to it. And finally, you started seeing Adam properly. I'd told him you'd had a rough time with your ex and warned him not to mess you around."

Why is she so controlling? It's not up to her to meddle like this in Jess's relationships. 

"He's so sweet and genuine, and I started to hope maybe he would be the one to help you get over everything Harry had put you through. And you seemed to be making progress - for a couple of weeks at least. And then something happened with One Direction - something to do with the guy that left? - and you tweeted a picture of Louis-" 

Wait, what? I turn my gaze to Jess again, who says simply, "Zayn had no chill."

What the fuck has Zayn got to do with any of this? I am so confused.

"There was a hashtag trending on Twitter about it," Jess elaborates. "Hashtag Zayn has no chill. He called Naughty Boy a fat joke." 

"Oh yeah," I nod. I'd forgotten about that. That was a dickhead move from Zayn. 

"Anyway," Callie diverts the attention back to her again, "suddenly you were wondering about Harry again. He had tweeted a picture of one of your in-jokes, the Hey There Delilah thing, and it was like you were slowly being pulled back in."

Oh, so she knows our in-jokes too? Fabulous. 

"Just before you went to Cardiff we took you on a surprise night out and Harry texted you out of the blue... I could tell straight away you were preoccupied by his messages, and you were practically on the edge of your seat waiting for him to reply. I tried to convince you not to get sucked in again, but I knew in my heart you weren't really listening to me. I tried to remind you how it always ends, but it just went in one ear and out the other. When I came over to say goodbye to you the following day before you left for Cardiff, you showed me the texts between you and Harry, and you'd finally put your foot down and told him you weren't interested. You'd decided that he was only being persistent with you because he wanted what he couldn't have. You were still convinced he didn't love you, and I started to wonder if maybe you were right... but then why would he keep on contacting you? The guy could have any girl he wanted - and he did, while you were together! And yet he just couldn't leave you alone."

"I couldn't leave her alone because I was heartbroken!" I hiss, furious at her casual dismissal of my feelings, but Callie just rolls her eyes and carries on. 

"Anyway, a couple of weeks later he showed up again didn't he - this time he turned up in Cardiff and finally gave you the explanation you deserved, and confirmed what I had suspected all along: that there was more to your break-up than any of us knew. Suddenly it all made sense. And while I thought he was even more of a prat for taking drugs, I couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him. He'd made a massive mistake, and I believed that he wouldn't have cheated if he hadn't been high as a kite. It fitted in with everything else I had seen of him over the previous few months." 

"I wondered why you seemed more accepting of him after that!" Jess muses. "I thought you would take the opportunity to slate him, but you didn't."

"You were pissed off that I hadn't told you that I'd worked out he was in love with you weeks earlier," Callie reminds Jess. "You asked me if there was anything else I was keeping from you. I didn't dare tell you I'd kept all your concert memorabilia and his hoodie and stuff. You would have flipped, or worse - started longing for him all over again. You had sent him packing, and for once you seemed level-headed and sensible. You were finally on the road to recovery." 

She pauses again, her eyes darting to me for a second. I don't even know what to say. 

"I still don't understand," Jess says, breaking the silence. "You've explained why you don't like him, but what did you do that you didn't want Harry to tell me?"

She hung her head. "I'm getting to that part. I just needed to explain the chain of events that led up to what happened."

As much as I want her to stop raking over my relationship with Jess and reminding her in detail on our anniversary just how badly things went at the start and how many times I fucked up, I'm now impatient for her to confess to the way she's behaved towards me. While I don't want Jess to lose her best friend, I'm pretty fucking sick of Callie taking every opportunity she can to turn the attention on her and ruin things for me and Jess. So if she wants to shoot herself in the foot after I told her it wouldn't do any good to tell Jess what a witch she was, then I'm going to let her. And what's more I'm going to watch her go down in flames. 

---***--- 

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve 2023 and although I am disappointed I won't have finished this book by the end of this year, I am so excited to have just two chapters left to write from Harry's POV. I'm writing a few parts ahead, then going back and revising and editing chapters to post which is why it is still taking so long. I'm trying to balance writing with editing/revising, and these last few days I have been on a roll again so pray for me please!! I seem to have my mojo back, even if only temporarily: I just need it to last another 8,000 words of new material and a total of 7 chapters of revision and edits! 

I am feeling rather emotional as I'm getting towards the final furlong. This book and these characters have been part of my life now for nearly 9 years, so to complete the series and say a final goodbye to them will be a massive milestone for me. Anyway, for now all that's left to say is HAPPY NEW YEAR and I hope 2024 brings you all everything you desire. Back soon xx