(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - Just Two Hearts In One Home)

June 2019

"Ladies and Gentlemen, first of all I want to welcome you today, to this celebration, and for spending our special day with us. Me and my wife - no, wait - my wife and I are so pleased you could make it... 

"OK this is shit. Get a grip, Harry. Start again. 

"I'd just like to start by thanking everyone here for joining us today. I know some of you have come from far and wide to be here with us and it makes me so happy and proud to see so many people that I love here in the same room, to celebrate mine and my wife's special day - nope - to celebrate my wife and I's - no for fuck's sake that's worse. To celebrate mine and Jess's day - oh fucking hell why doesn't this sound right?!

"OK. OK. Deep breath, focus. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for... oh fucking hell. This sounds shit. I sound shit. Why do I sound so shit?!"

"Because you are shit?" comes my sister's voice from just outside the open door, and I visibly start, the jerk of my hand causing a random line on the piece of paper in front of me.

"Jesus Christ, Gemma, why are you sneaking around?" I demand, looking up as she peers round the door grinning. 

"I wasn't sneaking around, dear brother, I was minding my own business writing an article and heard you start talking to yourself, or rather, some invisible audience, in the next room and wondered if you'd finally lost the plot."

"Ha-ha," I mutter sarcastically.

"So what are you doing?" Gemma asks curiously, leaning against the doorframe and folding her arms.

"Trying my first draft of my groom's speech," I admit. "But it's not going so well. I've been thinking about it in my head for weeks and thought I need to start getting something written down so I can practise it, but it just won't come."

"You're a songwriter aren't you?" Gemma points out. "What would you say if you were singing to her?" 

"Been there, done that," I smile, my mind flicking over the numerous songs, and lines wihtin songs, that are dedicated to my beautiful wife-to-be. "But this is different. Songwriting is easy compared to this. With songwriting you can start anywhere and build around it."

"So do the same thing," Gemma shrugs. "Make a note of the things you want to say and write sections at a time, then put it all together at the end." 

I'm not convinced. "Maybe." 

"Trust me," she says. "I'm a writer too. You just need to come at it from the right angle and it'll soon flow." 

She stands against the doorframe observing me while I ponder for a moment, before I frown at her. "Why are you still watching me?" 

"It's like watching one of the those nature programmes with David Attenborough," she muses, before assuming a rather impressive impersonation of David Attenborough's voice: "This unusual mammal with questionable hair, embarrassing fashion sense and a tendency to ramble incoherently to himself can be found pacing up and down his own territory to prepare himself for an episode of public speaking, not unlike the previous nine years of his life on centre stage... oi!"

A copy of GQ magazine has hit her squarely in the face thanks to my impeccable aim with my left hand and she retreats, her laughter ringing out all the way along the hall. 

----------------------------------------

July 2019 

The sharp tap at the door interrupts the collective laughter from the group of men standing in the front of the enormous bay window. While Jeff adjusts my tie, Jess's brother Calvin hurries to open it, and lets my rather emotional mum into the hotel room, quickly shutting the door behind her. Her eyes are already filled with tears as she walks slowly over to me, beaming with pride, her arms open. 

"Don't," I warn, half joking and half serious. "I'm managing really well so far. Don't set me off or I won't stop." 

"Sorry," she whispers, taking over from Jeff to stand in front of me and gives my tie one last wiggle, followed by a quick brush of imaginary dust off my shoulder. She looks up into my eyes, her smile the broadest I have ever seen. "My baby," she murmurs. 

"Mum - " 

She doesn't get it: I have been on a knife edge of emotion all morning. Hearing her words of pride is bound to send me down the precipice and I don't want to walk down the aisle with red eyes and snot all over my suit jacket. 

"I'm not going to make a scene, or embarrass you," she says quietly. "But I just want to tell you, before I send you off to be a husband - to the most wonderful wife-to-be in the world, I might add - I wanted to tell you that I am so, so proud of you. For absolutely everything, of course, but specifically today for just being you. For being true to yourself, true to who you are, and loving so wholly and freely that it has brought you such happiness. I wish you and Jess every success in the world. You will still always be my baby, but you'll also be a husband, and that's the one of the biggest, most important roles you'll ever have in your life. And I know that you'll smash this, just like you always do." 

I pull her into the tightest hug, making sure the tears spilling down my cheeks land on my sleeve rather than her silk dress. I try to put every emotion I have into the hug, because I don't trust myself to speak. My mum has been my biggest supporter, my confidante, my cheerleader, the most important woman in my life. She has embraced Jess into our family from day one, but I do understand the enormity of her stepping aside, so to speak, and handing that position to someone else. I honestly feel like the luckiest person in the world to have such amazing people around me. 

"Thank you," I manage, as I release her from the embrace and wipe my eyes. "Thank you for being the best mum in the world." 

She gives me hand a tight squeeze and accepts a glass of champagne from Jeff, who puts his arm around her shoulders and gives her a kiss on the cheek. 

"Nervous?" she asks me once I have composed myself. 

"More than I have ever been in my whole life," I admit. 

"Last minute doubts?" my dad jokes, appearing at my side and nudging me with his elbow. 

I shake my head firmly. "Nothing like that. I just want it to be perfect. I want it to be the best day of my life. I want it to be the best day of Jess's life. I don't want anything to spoil it." 

Aside from what I can only assume are the "usual" wedding day jitters, I'm also desperate to keep our nuptials secret to avoid any press intrusion. We did very briefly discuss the option of working with the media and allowing access on our own terms, but we both quickly decided we didn't want to share our special day with the world. We have kept our relationship private for this long, sharing only the occasional snippet of information or photo on social media, that it would have felt wrong to publicise such a huge event in our lives. With this decision of course comes the risk that details will somehow inadvertently be leaked, and paparazzi turn up in droves and blow the whole thing out of the water. I've lost count of how many times I've peeped out the window this morning, scanning the grounds for a long range camera, or checked twitter for any sniff of the Styles-Bradshaw wedding. So far, all is quiet. 

I finish the last sip of my (one and only glass of) champagne just as Jeff taps me on the shoulder. "Cars will be here in about ten minutes," he says. 

"I'm going to pop along to see how Jess and the girls are doing," Mum smiles, leaning forward and giving me one last kiss on the cheek. "And then we'll be heading off after you boys. Good luck, sweetheart. See you at the church."

"I'll follow you in a minute or two," Alan Bradshaw calls after her, setting his cup of tea down on the table with the empty champagne flutes. "I'd like a moment with Jess just before we leave." 

"Going to remind her she can always escape out the bathroom window if she has last minute doubts?" Calvin teases, slapping his dad on the back and grinning.

"If I know my daughter she would have made an escape a long time ago if that was her intention," Alan responds, matter-of-factly, and Calvin nods in agreement, causing the butterflies in my stomach to dance unreservedly. I do wish they wouldn't joke about Jess making a run for it. It really isn't helping my nerves. I'm also half expecting The Talk from Calvin - don't ever hurt my sister or I'll hunt you down and kill you, etc. I've been expecting it since the proposal in all honesty, but so far it hasn't been forthcoming and there's less than two hours to go so Calvin is cutting it fine. Maybe it's all part of the masterplan to make me sweat right up until the very last minute. 

"Come on, Calvin," Alan declares. "Let's leave Harry in peace while we go and round up the women and get things moving." 

Calvin nods and follows Alan across the room to the door. Just as he's about to walk through it he pauses in his tracks, and then turns to face me. No one else is in earshot, and he ponders for a moment. I knew this was coming. 

"Good luck mate," he says, holding his hand out to me. 

I blink in surprise as I shake it. "Thanks." 

Don't get me wrong, I do get on well with Calvin. He's good fun to be around, keeps Jess in check and has the ability to keep the whole room entertained. But I am, and always will be, a tiny bit terrified of him. He just has the look of someone who is ready to unleash their inner psychopath at any moment. He has menacing eyes, and I won't be told otherwise. 

"You look like you're expecting me to go all crazy-older-brother on you," he says, with look of amusement. "Don't worry - I'm not going to warn you that I'll skin you alive if you ever hurt my sister or anything like that."

I laugh nervously. "OK, good to know. I mean, you could have let me know sooner that you weren't going to have that conversation with me... like, maybe when I proposed to Jess," I joke, although I'm not actually joking. 

"And let you off the hook?" he grins. "Nah, it was way more fun watching you squirm every time we saw each other, waiting for the Big Brother talk." 

Nice to know I'm such an open book for everyone to read. 

"Seriously, mate," Calvin continues, "hats off to you. You've made an honest woman of my kid sister. She's a bloody handful, so you're going to need all the luck you can get. And if anyone can handle her, it's you, mate. You make a good couple. So best of luck to you both. Welcome to the family." 

"Thanks," I accept, smiling with happiness and undeniable relief. "That means a lot." 

Calvin nods once, a soft smile on his face, and for the briefest moment I think I detect the tiniest tremble of his lip before he turns and leaves the room leaving me standing in surprised silence. 

~~~

It's been perfect. The entire day has been perfect. Everything has run smoothly and according to plan, there have been no unexpected surprises and we have had no intrusion from any unwanted guests with their long range cameras. But there is one final event that is the sole reason I won't let a drop of alcohol pass my lips yet, and that is my speech. I have written it, re-written it, rehearsed it, scrapped it and started all over again too many times to count. I am happy with the final version, but today is the one day I just want everything to be perfect so I still have a nagging doubt that it's going to be shit, and I'll look like a prize numpty in front of everyone I know and love. I have some experience with pre-written monologues that are crafted for entertainment but I don't want my groom's speech to be one long joke. It's the only time I'll ever do this and I want it to be heartfelt and serious, not hilarious. I'll leave the comedy to Jeff and Alan.

Jess's dad has gone first and has of course brought the house down in true Alan Bradshaw style. I honestly don't know how the man does it - he has no idea how funny he is, and that makes him even funnier. It also makes him the worst act to follow on the most important day of my life. But finally we have raised our glasses for his toast and he clears the floor for me. I get to my feet, praying no one will notice my legs trembling or my hands shaking. I can only pray my voice doesn't waver like it is already threatening to. 

"Well," I observe. "I've performed in front of some pretty scary crowds, but I think this one takes the biscuit." A titter runs around the room and Niall lets out a whistle, prompting a couple more catcalls from the musicians in the room. The vibe instantly bolsters me and I lick my lips, ready to delve into my pre-written speech. Here we go.

"The one thing that stands out in my memory when I first met Jess," I begin, "was the overwhelming feeling that there was something special about her. I couldn't help being drawn to her. From day one I felt a connection, as though fate had brought us together that day. And I think, looking at us now and how far we have come, I was absolutely right. I don't mind admitting that I was absolutely crazy about her from our first date, although it took me longer than it should have to realise just how hard I had fallen for her -"

"Don't remind me," Louis's voice floats across the room, and the room erupts into laughter.

"And as Louis can confirm," I grin with a nod in his direction, "I was the subject of ridicule for having 'no chill' for the duration of our 2015 tour."

I pause to allow further chuckles, looking round the room at everyone's faces pointed towards me, beaming at me, attention piqued. 

I turn to Jess. "But ladies and gentlemen... look at her." (Jess gives a shy smile and a pink blush tinges her cheeks.) "You all know her - I don't need to preach to you all about how amazing she is; you know yourselves, and that's why you're here: because you love her too. So can anyone really blame me for losing my cool around her, hanging on her every word and generally having no control? I think not." 

The room murmurs its agreement and I take another moment just to pause and drink in the sight of her sitting beside me at the top table at our wedding. She really has no idea just how incredible she is. 

"Those first few months of knowing Jess were like nothing I had ever experienced," I explained. "Being on the road for weeks at a time doesn't make a new relationship easy, especially when the girl in question plays it so cool you actually wonder whether she's even into you at all. I didn't need to remind her that she couldn't show any kind of affection towards me in public - I practically needed to remind her I was even there at all..."

More laughs at this, and Jess protests softly at my side, grinning along and taking the teasing very well. 

"I remember the first time I introduced her to the other members of the band, bearing in mind she was a self-confessed Directioner. I think I would be right in saying she executed a superb wobble and side-flip off a plastic lilo in the pool, plunged face first into the water and almost drowned. It was the only time I had ever seen her lose her cool, and it wasn't even over me, it was over Louis and Liam." 

The room roars with laughter and Jess's face is now a gentle shade of red. I grin at her and she grins back goodnaturedly. 

"I had honestly never met anyone who could keep me on my toes, in the palm of her hand, and constantly guessing like Jess could," I continue. "Just when I thought I'd finally got under her skin, she would blindside me with apparent indifference and put me right back in my place again. It was only years afterward that I learned this was her way of managing her own growing feelings towards me - I mean you could have let me know sooner and saved me a lot of heartache." I address this last part directly to Jess and she laughs and gives a nod of acknowledgment. "I was so happy the first time you let your guard down and actually 'fangirled' in front of me. And there were times when you couldn't quite disguise the effect of the mun - for those of you in the room who are unfamiliar with this, it was when I used to scrunch my long hair into one of those elastic band things and Jess used to go all mushy and incoherent." (More laughter). "It was definitely one of the highlights, as opposed to the time on the phone when you referred to the way you felt about me as 'an embarrassing crush on a celebrity', which I have to admit was certainly one of the low points."

I wait until the laughter has died down, and lick my lips again. This part I have wondered whether to include, as it lays me bare. But I decided it is part of me, and our journey, and is part of us. 

"And then, ladies and gentlemen, I messed up," I confess. "I messed up big time. I messed up in the worst way I possibly could, and I destroyed the trust it had taken me so long to build. I hurt the person I loved most in the world, and as a result I spent a few very difficult months navigating my way through the final part of a world tour, miles from home, and emotionally alone. I don't deserve any pity or consolation, because this was brought on by my own actions. I don't think I have ever been so low, and there were times when I wondered whether I would ever feel OK again. But I am so thankful every day that Jess forgave me and we were able to work through it, because if she hadn't I wouldn't be standing here, boring you all, with the most beautiful, incredible, perfect woman beside me, not only today but for the rest of my life." 

Cheers and applause follow this admission, and I look down at Jess to see her eyes glistening with tears. She gives me the special smile of understanding, and I take a deep breath, on the homeward stretch now and relieved to be here. 

"As Alan mentioned in his speech, both he and Martha accepted me into the family from the moment I turned up on their doorstep unannounced. Alan gave me a good grilling, as one day I hope to do when my own children bring home their partner for the first time. Goodness only knows what they thought of me, but they were welcoming and accepting, as they always are. They have helped organise this beautiful day today, as has my wonderful Mum, and I would like to give thanks on behalf of myself and my wife - " more hoots and whistles at this - ("it feels good to say that," I add), "for all the love and support they have given us. We both love you more than you could imagine." 

While the room applauds I pick up the two enormous bouquets waiting behind the top table and deliver them to Martha and my mum. I then give thanks to Jeff for being best man, and to Callie for being chief bridesmaid. I'm pleased she seems to have mellowed since being with Calvin: they obviously complement each other. I make a toast to absent friends, and loved ones who are here with us in spirit (Robin would have loved this day, and I have missed him today more than I ever thought I could). 

And finally I turn back to Jess, reach down and take both of her hands in mine. This is the part that I know will get me, especially right after the toast to Robin. I take a deep breath.

"I just want to finish this by saying how much I love you, and how much I am in awe of you every single day, for the way you have embraced the public role of being my girlfriend and not having given in to the pressure from the outside world." A lump is forming in my throat and I pause, swallowing hard. "Everyone loves you, Jess, and you've stuck by me through thick and thin. Not a day will ever go by when I am not thankful for that. And I promise never to take you for granted, and to appreciate the little things in life, because they are what is important to me, and to us." Almost there. "I'm so happy you chose me to spend the rest of your life with, and I swear on my life I will make you happy every single day until the day I die." 

My voice wavers and cracks on the last word, and Jess breaks too. I lean forward and kiss her, wiping my eyes as I straighten up and pick up my Champagne flute. One more deep breath.

"Please will everyone join me in a toast, to the wonderful girl sitting beside me who today has made me the happiest man alive. To my beautiful Jessica." 

The entire room stands and raises their glasses, echoing, "to beautiful Jessica," before applauding madly as I sit down in my seat, into Jess's embrace, and let out a huge sigh. 

"That was absolutely perfect," Jess murmurs in my ear, her voice shaking too.

"I'm really, really glad that's over," I admit with a half-laugh. "Give me a stadium full of fans any day over a room full of people we know and love."

While Jeff delivers his best man's speech and the room laughs along at my embarrassing mishaps and general level of uncoolness, I can't help sneaking glances to my right. Jess is beaming, laughing, radiating beauty and energy. She is literally lighting up the room by her mere presence. I can't help wondering if I will ever get used to how amazing she is, and how lucky I am to be her husband. But then I remember that it has been four years already and I still get butterflies when I see her, so I can't imagine gaining any chill any time soon. She is the sun to my solar system, the brightest, burning star in my sky, and nothing can put out her fire. 

---***--- 

Merry Christmas 2024! I hope this update is a nice surprise, and I would like to wish anyone reading this a very happy holidays xxx