I couldn't think.

Aaron was going on about something, but as much as I wanted to pay attention and listen to what I'm sure would have been a thrilling conversation, I just couldn't think.

It didn't help that I felt so cramped, sitting at that damn table surrounded by everyone else as Aaron continued on. I glanced up at the balcony outside and immediately regretted it when the restlessness spread to my wings and demanded that I get up and fly straight out of the door and into the waiting sky.

But here I was, stuck in this meeting.

Restless, sure. But it was also beginning to hurt quite a bit. The burning sensation was dragging through my body not unlike the way one drags a knife down their opponent's face, sharp and painful.

I bit down on my lip to force the whimper back.

My foot was tapping against the ground impatiently, my arms resting on the wooden table. I was too slumped over it when I was supposed to be sitting with a perfectly straight back and my chin held high.

What is wrong with you? I thought angrily, biting down hard on my teeth.

I didn't want to be here anymore.

Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm not sure if my frustration was directed at Aaron or me or the raging war going on inside my mind and body, but one thing was for sure; I was craving absolute silence.

"It always seems like the King is one step ahead of us. Every attack we have planned, and he's there to counteract it. We may have to turn to complete and utter secrecy, more so than we are now. I suggest that we abandon the castle all together and find a new place to go," Aaron said, though it was really the only snippet I caught.

"And what good would that do?" Hercules combatted, leaning back in his chair.

"Well, it would allow us to..."

I forced my foot to lay flat against the floor, though the only thing that accomplished was suppressing my mounting frustration in a way that wasn't good or healthy in the slightest.

What were we talking about again?

Look at them all. You know how easily you could kill them? Then you'd never have to worry about sitting through another meeting like this~

I had to resist the urge to slam my head against the table.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Alexander suddenly rested his hand on the table in such a sharp movement that couldn't be natural, catching my eye. I glanced up from the wooden table to look over at him, swallowing down every thought that swarmed through my head like angry hornets that wouldn't stop until they were avenged.

'You alright?' he mouthed. I felt his foot brush up against mine underneath the table, and I nodded easily and smiled.

I felt momentarily relieved for even just a second. Alexander cared about me, and he noticed when I was hurting. His comforting gaze locked on mine, and a small inkling of hope spiraled through my body.

But as wonderful as the feeling of being cared for was, it also made me feel somewhat worse. Like I was betraying him, hurting him, leading him astray.

How can I do this to him?

'Just bored,' I mouthed back, hoping he'd believe me or, at the very least, let it go. The last thing I needed was anyone else getting involved in something I could handle by myself.

He didn't look all too convinced, but his smile was a soft and reassuring one as turned to watch Aaron once more. I stared at the side of his face for a moment before returning to look at the table.

I wished he was sitting right next to me so I could hold his hand and rest my head against his shoulder.

It's so stupid of me. So weak and unnecessary and stupid, but I was starting to grow way too attached. I can't grow attached. Especially not now. I don't deserve him.

As the meeting wore on, seconds dragging out into hours, I was growing increasingly distressed. The pain was flaring up again, but this time it was perhaps worse than usual. It honestly felt like I was watching the King's sword rip through my stomach all over again, followed by the hot white explosion of indescribable agony.

It hurt so much that I wanted to go upstairs and lay down and cry and not do anything ever again.

I bit down on my tongue and tried to distract myself with that, even if only to ground myself and remind me that I wasn't dying just yet.

Nobody noticed me, and I was quite glad for it. But it was something that I had practiced before, just keeping everything inside and smiling that easy smile so everyone would leave me alone and let me deal with things the way I knew how to deal with things.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a horrible thought occurred to me as I sat and tried to focus in on what Aaron was saying.

What if I transform right here right now and kill them all?

The image that sparked up along with the thought was too much. Nothing else I could think of fought back against the bloody scene that had been conjured up.

I couldn't get the idea of hurting them out of my head. The sick feeling of hurting the people I'd die for.

I shook my head and forced my breathing to come out in slow, steady breaths. I counted in my head for as long as I could. I got to three hundred and twenty six before another spike of pain shot up like a lightning bolt and quickly crushed any hopes of trying to ground myself.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to exist, not if every single day from here on out was going to be just like this. This was unbearable to a point where I just wanted to give in and let it take over.

Did that make me a coward? Probably, but I've always been a coward. Cowardice is the reason I've survived for so long, though now it seemed like it would be my undoing.

Every time I believed the pain was slowly fading away, another spark would ignite and I would curl my fingers into a fist and try not to let any vital signs break through onto my face.

There was a moment where the world around me completely numbed and the pain hit a roaring crescendo and I couldn't think. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just wanted everything to stop.

"How am I supposed to think with your incessant rambling?!" I demanded, slamming my hands on the table and rising to my feet, the sound of my chair moving back against the wood bouncing through the silence following my words.

I sighed.

"Aaron, I'm sorry, I didn't—" I began, then promptly gave up. "Can I please be excused?"

"Yeah," Washington said after a moment. "Yeah, that's fine."

"Thank you." I didn't bother waiting.

~•~

I found a spot to hide underneath a desk in the library and pulled my knees to my chest, thinking over what had just happened with an icy hopelessness that drained all hope away.

At least the pain subsided by now. Not a minute too late or anything.

"Thomas?" asked a voice, followed by a soft knock on the opened door.

"What?" I asked.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"I'd rather not, but you can if you want."

Aaron stepped inside and walked carefully over to the desk I was hiding under.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I murmured, casting him a glance. "I should not have said that and it wasn't fair of me and I messed up. You have every right to be mad at me—"

"How long?" he interrupted, cutting straight to the point.

My hopes fell. "How long what?"

He gave me a pointed glance that left no room for argument. I lowered my eyes and drew myself away from him and further into the wall.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Denying it won't make it any easier, and it certainly won't make me go away either. How long have you known you were a Tenebrie?"

"I'm not a Tenebrie."

"Don't be ridiculous, Thomas. I'm not as stupid as I look." He sighed and sat down next to the opening underneath the desk, close enough to where I could reach out and easily touch his shoulder. "Now, what happened?"

"Remember when I was stabbed?"

"Vaguely."

"Hah," I returned wryly. "The sword was poisoned. Terifia poison."

Aaron inhaled sharply at the mention of the cureless poison, known for its speed and efficiency. And the suffering and agony it induced, so you could feel every last second of pain as you were dying.

"I've been spending most of my energy fighting back against it to keep myself alive. The minute I let my defenses down, the minute the poison takes hold. But there's only so much I can do and—"

"It's Tenebrie or poison," he finished solemnly, his voice devoid of emotion. Silence fell as the implications fully sunk in like a heavy stone falling through the shallow waters of a thin creek.

Finally, "Have you transformed yet?"

I shook my head. "Not to my knowledge."

"Does anybody else know?"

"Angelica."

Aaron's jaw tightened. "You're going to have to tell the others. They have to know so they can help."

"No. I don't need any help."

"It doesn't sound like you're doing so hot on your own."

"I'm trying my best!"

"And that's commendable. But sometimes your best isn't enough and you have to let others help you."

I turned away from him, setting my head on my knees and closing my eyes. I could just picture their reactions when they found out. How wonderful would their horrified and disgusted expression be.

"Was it that obvious?"

Aaron sighed before answering. "No, you're actually not doing a bad job of hiding it. I just kinda have experience with these kinds of things."

"Oh," I said softly. I wanted more information, but a dark look passed through his eyes, and I really doubted if it would be good to question him.

"My wife," he said simply, and although his tone was flat and indifferent, I could hear the layers of conflict underneath.

"What happened to her?"

"She turned. I had to kill her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Someone else did."

I nodded. It was really all I could do.

"What are you going to do?"

"I... I don't know."

Aaron nodded, his gaze falling to the ground. "Do you want to come out from underneath the desk?"

"I don't know."

"Fair enough."

What am I going to do?

"Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"Me too."

"Your wife... did she ever have... disturbing thoughts?"

Aaron nodded without hesitation.

"And did she ever act like she wasn't really there?"

Once more, he nodded.

"And when she changed, was there any hope left for her?"

This time, Aaron didn't nod.

I slid out from underneath the desk and hugged him. It lasted only a second, but it made me feel just a little bit better.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know."

Aaron looked elsewhere. "I can't really say that I know what you're going through, but I kinda can recognize the signs. I'll talk to Angelica and we'll see if maybe we can do something. There's a cure out there somewhere, I know it. I owe it to Theo to find it."

I glanced up at him, surprised by this side of him which I had never seen before. He was always quite and reserved, but now a bright intensity burned in his eyes.

"Anyway," Aaron said, standing up. "The others are probably wondering where we are and they'll get all pissy if we aren't back soon."

I laughed gently, feeling at least some tension in my shoulders dissolve.

Aaron smiled. "Stay strong, Thomas. You can fight this."

I couldn't fight it. Not for much longer.