Chapter 43

The Things We’d Do For Love 

Have you ever experienced remaining silent despite all the plenty things that you wanted to say but couldn’t because you don’t know how to? That’s what I’m experiencing right now. I’m in a dilemma between comforting Ciel and remaining silent because I want to respect the space that he saved especially for his pain. 

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na dapat hindi na lang niya ginawa kay Megi iyon but he doesn’t need to hear those words from me because he already knew it and he’s regretted it the moment it happened and up until now. 

I understand that Megi was just driven by her emotions, causing her to spill words that she doesn’t really want to spill. Malapit si Nika sa puso niya, she knew her pain just like how Ciel knew mine. Nika was Megi’s companion, Ciel was mine. 

And I hate how I just caused a dilemma between these two amazing people who are always down to be there for people who have struggling hearts. 

Ciel loves Megi with all his heart and I know that Megi does too. Pero ngayon ay hindi sila nag-uusap nang dahil sa’kin. 

Masakit para sa akin… But I don’t want to keep my focus on my own pain dahil kung may mas nasasaktan dito, si Ciel iyon at si Megi. 

“Do you want to go somewhere after this?” I asked him. We’ve been here in this Spanish fancy restaurant for almost two hours to have a small dinner celebration for his birthday but if you would look at our plates, our food was barely touched. Tila ba kakarating lang ng pagkain namin but it was actually served an hour ago. 

He stopped from digging his spoon on the paella in front of him. He lifted his face up to look at me, flashing that casual smile that I know he just tried to put on. 

“If you want to,” he replied. 

“It’s your birthday. You’re the one whose supposed to decide.” I said, trying to make it sound enthusiastic but I guess I failed. 

“I can’t think of any place right now. Baka ikaw may gusto kang puntahan pa,” he said. 

It’s killing me how casual we are tonight. It’s his birthday and I want nothing but for him to be happy on his special day. Pero kahit siguro mag tumbling pa ako sa harapan niya at hindi siya matutuwa dahil si Megi naman ang dahilan kung bakit nalulungkot siya. 

Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin sila nag-uusap. He didn’t even get a birthday greeting from Megi. 

Kahit hindi niya sabihin sa’kin. No matter how hard he tries to be discreet and act all okay in front of me I can still see in his eyes that he’s upset, sad, and hurt.

I pushed a subtle sigh, reaching for his fist on the table. “I think we should just go home. You still have to be at the airport by nine, right?” I said, gently stroking the back of his palm that’s currently balled up into a fist. 

He smiled, spreading his fingers apart to catch and hold my hand that was holding him. 

“Okay...” He whispered before bringing my hand into his mouth, giving it a gentle peck. 

I just eyed him delicately… because that’s the only kind of stare that suits him. Delicate and soft. 

“Happy birthday, baby.” I whispered without taking my eyes off him.  I know, this may not be the happiest birthday of his life because he never got even just a single message from Megi but I don’t want to neglect this opportunity to make him feel wanted and appreciated, just like he always does everytime I’m at my most down times. 

He smiled against the skin of the back of my palm, showing that parenthesis-like dimple again. A warm and fuzzy feeling suddenly embraced all my insides the moment I saw him smile again… and I would do anything just to see that smile again. 

That’s why I’ll gather all my strength tonight to have the guts to approach Megi for you. I’d do anything for you just like how down you were to do anything from me. I would give anything to lessen all the weight that you have, just like how you took all mine, giving me a chance to breathe again. 

The night went kind of smooth… I tried my best to distract his mind from all the things that’s bugging him and it kind of worked, I guess. 

“Ciel?” I suddenly called him as we made our way back to where he parked his car. It was almost 10. The silver moon was bright and there were a few stars, scattered around the night sky. 

“Hmm?” He answered as we stopped on the side of his car. Pinatunog niya muna iyon bago niya ako hinarap. 

Sinalubong ko siya nang isang mahigpit na yakap, causing him to stiff for a while but then he immediately wrapped his arms around me. 

“Ciel, sorry, ah?” I said looking up to him, feeling the corner of my eyes beginning to sting. Ayoko nang ganito. Ayoko na nakikita siyang nalulungkot. Bakit ganoon? Kapag ako ‘yung nalulungkot kayang-kaya niya akong pasiyahin pero bakit ngayon namang siya ang malungkot pakiramdam ko wala akong silbi. 

He looked down on me, looking a little confused. “Bakit?” He asked, lifting one of his hands to touch my face. 

“Because you’re hurting… but if only I could take your pain away and make them as mine instead, I would.” I said, feeling my lips quivering. 

“Tell me, Ciel, what do you want me to do to make you happy before this night ends? Gusto ko lang na sumaya ka kahit papaano ngayong birthday mo. Sabihin mo lang sa’kin, kahit ano gagawin ko.” I added in all persistence. 

“Oh, baby.” He said, touching my chin as he looked at me intently in the eyes.

“You don’t have to do anything. Your presence is enough to make me feel okay… Stop overthinking too much, huh? And I’m sorry if I made you feel that I don’t enjoy your company but the truth is I do. Baby, you are the greatest birthday gift ever.” He said, pressing his lips on my forehead. 

“H’wag mo ‘kong intindihin. Ayos lang ako… hmm?” Masuyo niyang sabi. 

I tilted my head up, nodding at him. He was looking at me too. 

“I love you.” I whispered. 

He smiled. “I love you,” he replied and he meant it… because I felt it deep within my bones. I hope I could do the same. I hope I could make him feel my love deep within his bones too.

--

I just finished attending one of my post-op patients to check if he’s doing fine and to answer of his questions in mind. Alam ko naman kasi na marami rin silang tanong lalo na ang relatives niya since that was his first time to undergo surgery. 

At siya pa lang ang pangalawang pasyenteng nakakausap ko simula ngayong araw pero pakiramdam ko ay pagod na pagod na ako. This is one of the struggles of being a person of medicine. You have to set aside all your personal issues, put up a front face, making sure that everyone know that you’re okay even though you’re barely breathing. 

You are the person that your patients were relying to so you have to be okay even when you’re not. You have to keep your focus even though there’s a lot going inside your mind. 

You have to stand still even you’re in the verge of falling apart and most importantly, you have to smile even when you’re close to crying. 

Ano ba naman ‘yan. Why do I sound so whiny? My struggle at the moment is nothing compared to Nika’s struggle. Now I’m beginning to realize how tough it was for her to work here. How did she manage to handle all of that? Remaining still and intact despite how toxic the duty was and how toxic I was, bullying her  the second I get. 

I smirked bitterly as another realization hit me... Powerful women aren’t measured by how far or how great the achievements that they achieved in life, it was by how they managed to stand still despite all their demons screaming at them, telling them to give up and fall apart... it was by how they have conquered all their battles that no one knew about. 

“Are you fucking serious?” 

I was about to go and check up on Nika on the ICU but then I stopped the moment I saw Adam and Ryan outside the ICU and it looks like that there’s a tension going on between the two. 

“Yes. I’m fucking serious and I’m asking you this as a father of Bree. Get away from my daughter.” Adam said, firmly. 

I heard a mocking laugh coming from Ramirez. Hindi ko siya makita dahil nakatalikod siya sa akin but I can imagine the sarcasm in his face. 

“Do you feel threatened that I might steal your position from being a father to Bree? Adam, no matter how disgusting you are kahit baligtarin ko man ang mundo, ikaw pa rin ama ni Bree and I can’t change that. And I’m not in the place to take away your right from being a father to Bree, I was just trying to distract the kid from missing her Mom. You have nothing to fear, so calm the fuck down, Atty. De Guzman!” Ryan fired back. 

“I don’t feel threatened, Dr. Ramirez! I know the law and I’m pretty aware of my rights as the father of Bree and there’s no way in hell I’ll let anyone take that away from me. I was asking you to get away from my daughter because I don’t feel comfortable seeing my child around with men! That’s why I enrolled her in an all girls school! Respect that!” 

Another mocking laugh escaped from Ryan’s throat. 

“This is so fucking insane! Are you hearing yourself? Bakit? Ano ba sa tingin mo ang gagawin ko sa bata? I love the kid just like a father loves his daughter! H’wag mo ‘kong itulad sa’yo! Not all men are sexual predators like you!” 

“Gago ka, ah!” He hissed, holding Ramirez by the collar. And before they could kill each other, I decided to step in to somehow lessen the tension between the two. 

“Hey! You two! That’s enough!” I said, stepping in. 

“Ano, sige! Ba’t ‘di mo ituloy?” Panunuya pa ni Ramirez. He’s not even flinching! Nakangisi pa ito kahit hawak-hawak na siya sa kwelyo ni Adam. 

Adam’s teeth clenched, tightening his hold against Ryan’s collar. 

I huffed a harsh breath before pushing the two by their shoulder. “Tumigil na kayo, ha! This is not the right time for you to make a scene here! Paano kung makita kayo ni Bree?” I hissed, looking at them both. 

Ryan’s jaw clenched, giving Adam a sharp glare before turning his back, completely walking away. Ngayon ay kami na lang dalawa ni Adam ang naiwan dito sa labas ng ICU. 

From Ryan who just walked out, my eyes shifted to Adam who was now phasing back and forth. 

“Will you stop that?” I said, feeling kind of pissed. No, I’m really pissed. 

He stopped, lifting his head to look at me. His mouth parted a bit but then he closed it again. 

“Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo dito? You even asked Ryan to stay away from Bree? Are you fucking serious?” Halos matawa ako nang pagak nang sabihin ko iyon. 

His jaw clenched, giving me a glare. 

“I may be the worst person that you can consider but I’m also a father and I’m just trying to protect my daughter!” 

“Protect her from what? From men like you?” I fired, leaving him caught off guard. He didn’t say anything, he just clenched his jaw, looking towards the other direction. 

I took a step foward, taking this as an opportunity to address something that has to be addressed. Because seeing him, roaming around freely despite all the morbid things that he did is something that I could not accept. 

“Adam, I get that you love your daughter and that you’d do anything in your power just to protect her, that’s good, that I understand, and thank God for that,” I said, causing him to look back at me. 

“Because that’s what fathers supposed to do, Adam. They should be protecting their daughters from people who have the ability to hurt them.” I added, agreeing to the point of his behavior. 

“But what about me, Adam? What about Nika? I am someone’s daughter too! Nika is someone’s daughter too!” I said, almost screaming my words on his face. 

“Can you imagine the pain that my Dad has to felt the moment he saw a video of her half conscious daughter being harassed? Can you fucking imagine how Nika’s father died the moment he knew that someone raped  her one and only daughter? And can you imagine how wrecked they were because they can’t do anything to give back the justice to their daughters that people like you took away from them?” 

I didn’t take my eyes off him as my words slapped him with the truth.

The way his expression changes, the way his features began to clouded with guilt somehow lit the hope in me. Hope that he’d get what he deserves someday. 

“Adam, the moment you disrespected a woman is the moment where you gave other men the permission to disrespect your daughter too. The moment you took away the justice from us was the moment you gave the abusers a chance to go near your daughter. Because men like you are supposed to be in jail, Adam! But right as this moment, as you roam around freely is the moment where you put your daughter at risk of being mistreated too!” 

He looks defeated and taken aback. I saw tears beginning to build on the corner of his eyes. Can you imagine it now, Adam? Can you imagine the invisible holes that you left not only on the hearts of your victims but as well as on the hearts of their fathers and on the hearts of the people around them. 

“And it wasn’t supposed to be that way. Women aren’t supposed to feel afraid of walking alone down the streets in the middle of the night. Women aren’t supposed feel limited of wearing what they want to wear just because of the fear that someone might catcall them. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to feel any of those fear because what your daughter deserves is a safe environment where she can express herself without the fear of being harassed.” 

I took another step forward, narrowing my eyes on him who looks completely defeated. 

“But that tranquility and safety is something that your daughter would never get as long as men like you continue to walk around here, unlimited and free from all the consequences.” My voice was low but the truth screams for me. 

His eyes went down to the floor and I gave him one last stare before I turn my back to leave him there, reflecting on his own mistakes. 

“Mona...” I heard a crack in his voice as he called my name. I stopped from walking but I didn’t turned to look at him. 

“When Nika wakes up... convince her to open the case again. Both of you, file your cases against me and I will plead guilty.” 

Now it’s my turn to be taken aback. I turned around, blinking two times. Did I hear that right? 

Halos malaglag ang panga ko nang harapin ko na siya. 

He was now looking at me, with tears streaming down his face. 

“But please don’t tell Bree what I did. I’m still not ready to be hated by my daughter. The world may think that I am the worst person existing but for Bree, I am nothing but his Dad who loves her so much.” 

Hindi ako kaagad na nakasagot. I don’t know what to say. And I don’t even know if I have a say in this. We’re talking about Bree. Sila lang dalawa ni Nika ang pwedeng magdesisyon tungkol doon dahil anak nila ito. 

“Bree, she’s a good kid. She existed in a wrong way and I regret what I did to her mother, every single day... but I will never regret having her as my child... Bree taught me what love is and love always comes with a sacrifice... Kaya susuko ako, Mona. Lahat ng mga kasalan ko sa inyo handa ako pagbayaran. I’m not gonna wait for karma to make my daughter pay for all the wrongs that I did.   

If spending my years in jail is an exchange for my daughter’s safety, then I will do it.” 

“Daddy?” 

Before I could even respond, Bree suddenly appeared. She was so small and so cute the way she scratched her eye using the back of her palm. 

“Daddy, I’m sleepy.” She said, yawning. 

Adam immediately wiped his tears, squatting down to pick his daughter up. Bree rested the side of her head on his shoulder. 

“Okay, then we will go home now so you could sleep.” 

“Am I going to sleep in your house or in our house?” She asked in between her yawns. 

“It’s up to you. Where does my baby wants to sleep?” Adam softly asked, caressing the top of Bree’s head. 

“If I sleep in our house will I see Mommy there?” She asked, her voice was beginning to crack. 

“Sadly no. Mommy still needs to stay here and sleep some more to gain her strength back.” 

Bree’s lips began to quiver. The sight gave my heart a painful pinch. 

“How long will Mommy stay here? When is she going to wake up? I miss my Mommy. Even though sometimes I don’t feel that she loves me, I still love her and I want her back, Daddy... I want my Mommy back.” She said, sobbing hard, slightly punching her Dad’s shoulder. 

Kasalanan ko lahat ‘to. Ako dapat ang nasa posisyon ni Nika ngayon... Hindi sana nangungulila si Bree ngayon. 

“I want... my... Mommy.” Patigil-tigil niyang sabi dahil sa kanyang mabibigat na paghikbi. Her voice and cries felt like a hard kick on my chest. 

“Shh... Gigising din si Mommy. Tahan na,” Adam softly said, trying to console his daughter. 

“Bakit ang tagal?” She cried. “Bakit ganyan si Mommy? You said she loves  me but why is she not waking up? Ayaw niya lang akong makita kaya ayaw niyang gumising.” Panay pa rin ang kanyang pag-iyak. 

Ang mga hikbi niya ay parang asido na bumubuhos sa aking puso. 

“Oh, Bree, you know that’s not true. Your Mom loves you... Kailangan lang niyang magpahinga sa ngayon kaya hindi pa siya nagigising—” 

“No, you’re lying! She told me one time that she doesn’t want to see me! Sabi ni Mommy ayaw niya sa’kin... Sinabi niya ‘yon sa’kin, Daddy. Bakit ayaw niya sa’kin? Bakit parang ikaw lang may love sa’kin? Pati si Doctor Ryan love ako pero bakit si Mommy hindi?” 

“Bree, honey, your Mom loves you... It’s just that... It’s my fault—” 

“Bree...” I said, cutting Adam off. 

I smiled at her despite all the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Come here,” I whipered, stretching my arms to get him from Adam. 

Ibinigay naman siya kaagad sa akin ni Adam at kahit na nagaalangan si Bree sa akin ay sumama pa rin ito. Panay pa rin ang kanyang pagsinghot habang karga-karga ko siya. 

I find a waiting chair on the hallway where I could sit and settle Bree on my lap. I smiled at her, wiping her tears and tucking some strands of her hair behind her ear. 

“Have you seen a pineapple, Bree?” I asked her. 

Tumango siya. “I love pineapples.” She said, still sobbing. Bahagya akong natawa. 

“You see, pineapples have rough and coarse skin on the outside but on the inside they were really soft and sweet. Right?” 

Tumango lang siya habang malungkot pa ring nakanguso.

“Parang ganyan din si Mommy mo. For some reason, there were some times that she’s rough and cold towards you but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t loves you because deep down she does. She loves you so much. There were just some things that your Mommy cannot control. Sometimes she says words that she doesn’t mean but you have to know that it was never her intention to hurt you. It’s just that inside your Mommy is a battle between her ugly and all her beautiful parts. Sometimes her ugly parts win but that doesn’t make her love you less.” 

“Because the truth your Mommy loves you with every single beat of her heart. She loves you so much that she’d give up everything just for you. Did you know that everytime you get hurt your Mom is hurting too? When you cry, she cries too. Your pain was her pain too. Ganyan ka kaimportante sa Mommy mo, ganyan ka niya kamahal.”  

“Really?” She asked, pouting as another batch of tears start rolling down her cheeks. 

“Yes.” I said, nodding my head. “Remember this, Bree. When the ugly parts of your Mom start consuming her don’t forget to look at her heart... Because inside her heart was all her beautiful parts, bravely fighting against the ugly parts that wanted to consume her.” I carefully explained to her. 

A smile formed on her lips despite her tears falling nonstop. 

“Tahan na, ha? H’wag ka nang umiyak... Love na love ka ng Mommy mo.” I said, hugging her tight. 

“I hope Mommy wakes up so we could eat pineapples.” She said, hugging me back and my heart melted the moment she hugged me back.

And at the same time, I felt my heart ached too because I feel so sorry for Bree. Dapat kasama niya ang Mommy niya ngayon. Kung kaagad ko lang sanang inamin kay Tito Mael ang totoo hindi mangyayari ito. It all started with my single denial that I was regretting up until now. 

Kahit sinubukan kong itama, naging ganito pa rin ang kinalabasan. Marami pa rin akong nasaktan...