Chapter 41

For once, let it be just the two of us because I'm tired of pretending and feeling okay. For once, I want to lose myself without worrying. And only you can do it, just like you can be the only one not to disappoint me.

Nolan

13th May 2019, Monday
18:00

A ball hit my feet. I didn't bother to get it, not until a shadow fell over my own. A little girl with round glasses and short pigtails stared at me. I bent to pick up the ball, avoiding to look at her. She reminded me of Kiara, especially the slightly narrowed eyelids and the assessing look. The same assessing look she had held in the morning, refusing to give the note to Vicky, let alone to police. The ball was snatched out of my hand and they were left hanging in the air, just like they had been when she had said no.

I was being a hypocrite. I hardly believed that I would have given the note to the police. It pointed at Kiara, at the things she felt were not so complicated. She forgot how small things could hurt someone. Just like forgetting to bake your son the cake you promised days ago, trying to destroy a friendship was also bad. I kicked at the grass. Bad did not even cover it.

I shut my eyes and shoved my hands in my pockets, leaning back on the bench and enjoying the weather, not that there was much to enjoy. It was surprising to find people here despite the heat.

I put on my sunglasses and tried not to think of her. Of course I failed. Till the afternoon, I kept telling myself that it was okay. I had the chance to hand it over to the police, I lost it. Now that it was Kiara's, the choice rested with her. And I understood. I understood she was afraid of how Vicky would react but I could not tune down my conscience. Shay was barely getting any better. God forbid, if something happened, it would all fall apart.

"I had asked her to leave," Kiara had admitted, "after Ash's death when I saw her crying."

Her face showed no remorse, no regret. She was just a friend telling Shay to stay away. I was, for the lack of better word, amazed. The thought of Shay blaming Kiara gave me a shiver and that girl did not even flinch. Maybe she did, I wasn't sure.

The grass crunched behind my bench and I detected movement. I did not have to open my eyes to see who was sitting next to me. It had to be her. The scent of her perfume hit me like it hit every morning, except today when it had been overpowered by Vicky's.

"Just say it," she muttered, "I can handle it. I'm not sick anymore."

I lifted up my sunglasses and looked at her pale face. Yeah, right, not sick. I put my glasses back.

"Nolan."

"I need time," I muttered, unsure if that was what I wanted.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I wanted to ask for which part. Was it for shouting at me before saying she was just having a discussion and inviting me to talk normally during the assembly? Or was it because I 'had no idea what it felt like to lose a friend'? Maybe, she should be apologizing to Vicky and Shay.

Once I was sure that she would not leave me alone, I got up and began walking towards the exit of the park. She followed, of course, right there, not in step with me but not even way behind.

When she looked around, I stole a glance at her. Her eyes had found that abandoned slide more interesting but her feet kept up with me. The air stirred for a moment and her hair set into commotion. She hadn't tied them down but the blue hair band set them in place. A strand flew into her mouth and she pulled it out. Our gazes met.

"How did you come here?" I asked, averting my gaze.

"I walked," she simply answered.

Walked. God, this girl walked a lot. I knew the tuition she had walked from to all the way here was at least fifteen minutes away, and with that bag; I didn't want to imagine.

"Nolan." She tucked at the shirt.

When I reluctantly met her eyes, my heart sank. All the way here in 39°C and I was ignoring her. But I didn't stop. Max wasn't that far. I could make his figure and somehow the distance to the car was smaller than the difference between the two of us. Her presence next to me was a constant reminder. Her hand hanging closely to mine was another. I wanted to step away but I was afraid I'd lose her. People easily slid out of reach, easily.

"Max," I said, "please, take Kiara home."

They both turned to me, one with a surprised look at her arrival and the other with folded arms and puckered face. I ignored her and those eyes that would make me listen to her. I did not want to, not if it only made me defy basic laws. I was past that, way past that.

"I'll go home myself," she said.

I shrugged.

"You'd walk?" Max asked.

She snorted. "I'm not dumb. I'll call a cab."

"Fair enough," I said. "I'm waiting while your ride comes."

Through the car window, I saw her nostrils flare as she typed into her phone. I winced at her fingers that curled as if they wanted to strangle me.

"She okay?" Max asked.

"Yes, yes, I am," Kiara said loudly. "I am very much okay."

18:20

She mumbled something and Max gestured at the car. Her screen lit up and I scowled at the message being displayed: Your driver arrives in 15 minutes.

"Seems like they don't know how much fifteen minutes are," she said. It was already past that time.

A bead of sweat fell down her forehead and she sneezed, one hand holding the phone, the other shielding her face from the Sun. Her eyes squinted at the screen as she pretended to look busy on her phone but her small movements, shifting weight on the right foot, walking an inch back when I moved and periodic glances said otherwise. We both were well aware of each other's presence and she did not want to acknowledge that.

"Don't do it," she said, glancing over to Max who had put on his headphones.

I said nothing. I had nothing to say. If I had, I would not be simply staring at her. "Come on in," I said and opened the door.

She shook her head. "You can go ahead. I'll wait. It won't be fa-"

I clenched my jaw. "Kiara, come in. We'll talk. You wanted to talk, we'll do that."

Max removed his headphones when I put her bag in the car and waited for her to sit. "Uh, Nolan, there-"

I raised my hand to quiet him down. Kiara sighed and I stepped back. She paused right in front of me. "We'll talk?"

"We'll talk," I said. I didn't have much choice. Plus, pushing away wasn't always the best option. I bit my tongue at the thought.

"Nolan-"

"Just take us home, Max."

He opened his mouth but quickly shut it as I slid in next to Kiara. She stared out of the window and I thought if it was her way of ignoring me.

"I'm sorry," she said just as fast as I decided to let myself rest in peaceful silence. "I didn't mean what I said."

I shrugged and played with my fingers. "I know."

And I did. I had known since she had sent me a message in capital letters, telling me to 'back off' because she knew 'I was cheating in the elections'.

I'm sorry? I had typed.

I know your plans. I saw those chits you gave to your friends.

Who is this? Kiara Singh, aren't you that junior who is a Samaritan?

Junior? You're in my class, D.

Uhm...N.

It's Nolan.

Oh.

She had never replied after that until I had stumbled on her profile again after two days and sent a 'hi'. So I knew that in the heat of the moment, she said things that she never meant. She'd say sorry later on with a sheepish look, the embarrassed outstretched smile that melted my heart, sent it in a flight. And it crashed right into her, knocking both of us out.

"I don't hate her," she said. "It's just...why? Why did she have to come between us? Ash did not shut up, not for once."

"This is not about her anymore," I said with a clipped tone. "I think Kiara, you make everything about her. Your problem was never Shay, it was Ashiamma's Shay." I shook my head and turned away from her.

She did not see what I did. Whatever she felt, it ended up on Ashiamma. For a dead girl, she was still very much alive.

"I need to let go of her."

I said nothing. I'd be becoming another Kiara by saying yes and another liar by saying no. Letting go was the only option here, when everything you liked, disliked, dissed revolved around one person.

"I can't show it to Vee," she whispered. "He will be broken. He was trying to unite us and she tried to kill herself because of me. I'll be broken, Nolan. He's the only one friend left."

That twisted like a spear in my heart. Only one friend. What was I then? I nodded. "Understandable. But..." I stiffened a groan. "I don't know, Kiara. It feels so wrong."

"Why are you still talking to me then?"

I paused. Why was I still talking to her? I removed her glasses. "Because you have bags under your eyes. Talking will help you sleep."

And it would help me breathe. I pinched the tip of my nose and frowned. "It's so difficult to not talk to you."

"I'm tired of this," she said, "all of this that began with Ash's death. Shay and her weird wiring of mind, all this could have been avoided."

My grasp loosened on her glasses but she grabbed them before they fell. "Nolan, are you okay?"

I blinked and looked behind her. "We're here." I hurriedly got out.

"I'm sorry I came to your house without your permission an-"

"Kiara, it is okay. I really can't complain about you when I don't even have a way out. I'm angry but would I do it, take the note and give it to anyone else? No. It's yours now. Let's just hope Shay wakes up soon."

"I think it's the guilt troubling you."

Of course it was guilt. It was the grasp that wasn't tight enough.

I shoved my trembling hand into my pocket and hung my head low, hoping the needles my palm felt would disappear. They did not. My dry, rough hands began to feel papery but nothing was going to wash it away.

"Your father has guests."

I turned and saw Dad standing with a woman, holding a girl. As if sensing my presence, he turned to me. His smile faded but stayed there.

"I tried to tell you," Max muttered.

"Is there...a problem?" Kiara looked at us all. "Is that-"

"Dad's girlfriend. I was supposed to meet her but it got delayed. I never knew about this."

Dad began to walk to us, handing the girl to the woman. "Nolan. Hi, Kiara."

"Hello, Mr. Adams."

I looked over his shoulder. No, I was not ready for this, not with the tingling still going through my fingers. I glanced at Kiara and she looked back at me.

She smiled. "It's going to be fine."

18:45

"That was weird," she said as soon as I shut the door.

"You seemed to enjoy." I leaned against the door and smiled at the memory of her being chased around by a seven year old.

She grinned at me and looked around the room. "Last time I was here, I did not really notice your room." Then, her eyes lifted up to the table. "That's Ash-"

I nodded. "You forgot it that day with the paintings. I was going to give it to you on Saturday but then I forgot." And by the time it hit me again, I wasn't in the mood of dealing with this.

She picked it up and stared at her. "Isn't she beautiful?"

Wasn't I wanted to correct but I didn't. "When do you have to go home?"

"By eight." Around an hour, then. "What happened to you downstairs, all stiff and rigid when Mr. Adam's phone rang?"

"Let's play a game," I said, settling on my bed. She placed the picture back and I wanted to tell her to take it away from here. "We'll speak our hearts out and the other person won't question."

She shrugged and took a seat opposite to me, on the carpet. "You start."

I stared down at her, the light coming from behind me casting a shadow on her. "My mother is trying to contact us after two years."

"Oh."

My lips lifted in response.

"Is that a problem?"

"No questions," I said. "Your turn."

She began to play with her shoelace. "I want to tell Vee the truth, all of it from the beginning, from Ash telling Shay to step back and my interference." She smiled sadly at me. "And the note too. I'm afraid he'll go to Roy."

I blinked and slid down the bed, in front of her. "I wanted to confront you when I came at your house."

She laughed. "But I scared you by puking all over your shirt."

I joined in her laugh. "The white colour is not the same anymore."

She bit her lip and lifted her glasses. "I want to try out some voodoo magic to bring her back, make her listen to my rants, explain everything and then, if she wants, she may go."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You're weird. That's weird. That's not even supposed to be natural."

"I also want to - Wait, it is your turn."

I looked down at my hands. "I want his girlfriend to stay. It won't hurt, for once if he cut her call."

Kiara opened her mouth but shut again as soon as I raised an eyebrow.

"No questions," she said. "I would, I would like to go back in time, back to when I was so immersed in assignments that I ignored her. I just realized after reading the note - yes, I, tragically, gave in to my curiosity and read it - I realized that it was all real. I kept telling myself that Ash would do no such thing. She wasn't weak. But I stripped her of her armour."

"No, you didn't."

"Are we breaking rules, Nolan Adams?"

I grunted. "You're a difficult person, Kiara Singh."

"Are we on full name basis now?"

"Does it matter? Kiara Singh," I rolled her name on my tongue again, unable to stop my smile. "Had I known what that name meant, I would have never bothered replying to your threat."

"Had I known who you were, I would have never replied to your 'hello'."

" 'Hi'," I pointed out.

"Doesn't matter."

I feigned a surprised look. "And here I thought I was your friend."

Her smile vanished and she got on her knees, coming closer to me. "We're way past that, Nolan, way past that."

As if her phone could sense my increased heart beat and the absurd calmness her presence swept over me, it vibrated.

Keeping her eyes on me, she put it to her ear. "Vee?"

I watched her expression darken and she stood up.