I apologise for the long chapter, but it was hard to split and I felt it was better all in one.

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It was a glorious, summer's day. Alan was sitting on the park bench, wondering where Clare could be, when she came up to him carrying a small plastic bag.

"Hello, you okay?" she asked.

"Hi. I was just wondering where you were. Aren't you going jogging today?"

"No." said Clare, sitting down beside him. "I'm not in the mood today."

This was unusual, Alan thought.

"Did you hear those jerks last night?" asked Alan, meaning Tarquin, Barking and Larking.

"Oh, they're just messing about, you take them too seriously."

"They're too rowdy for my liking. I'm sure I never acted like that at their age."

"No, of course not, you've always been an old man." she smiled.

"I'm not an old man, what cheek. I'm the same age as you."

"But you're such a couch potato. You ought to exercise. It's important to keep fit."

"I need to get fit, before I can keep fit." said Alan raising his eyebrows.

Alan watched as she rose from the bench and walked towards the lake, she was going to feed the ducks. He remained behind on the bench, yawned and closed his eyes, lifting his face to the warmth of the sun. It was so good. He felt himself relaxing and although it wasn't planned, he soon fell fast asleep.

He felt a nudge in the ribs and woke up with a jump. "What?" he said. Clare was sitting beside him, looking amused. What had he done now?

"You were fast asleep. What's wrong with you? It's only 11.30 and I don't expect you've been up long, knowing you. How do you do it?" she asked.

"I only had my eyes shut." he lied.

"You fibber! I've been sitting here for ten minutes." She paused, then changed her tone.

"Some people have a disease called 'Narcolepsy' and it makes them fall asleep. I wonder if you suffer from it?"

"No, of course not, I was relaxing, that's all. I could never relax with Marie around. I'm just exercising my new found freedom."

They sat quietly for a while. "I've got things to do, Alan, I'd better get back."

They rose from the bench together, waited for a break in the traffic and crossed the road. They stood together outside of the entrance to Alan's block.

"I'm going shopping this afternoon, do you want to come?" she asked. "I know how you hate the supermarket."

"Okay, I do need a few things, but we'll go in my car. Meet me in the car park at 2.30 pm, or is that too early?" asked Alan.

"No, that's fine, I'll see you later then."

As Alan took the lift up to his flat he thought, 'I must tell her soon. It's driving me mad.' But it wasn't that easy. Every time he tried to tell her, something would happen, either the phone rang or someone came knocking on the door or something was said that threw him completely. He wasn't like Clare, if she had something to say out it came, but he had to lead up to something, slowly and carefully. It had to be right. What was he going to do? Angie said he would know when the right moment came, but as far as he could see there never would be a right moment. It was hopeless! He could see them doing all these things when they were ninety-three, hobbling to the park, hobbling to the supermarket, hobbling off to the office. Well, perhaps not that. It wasn't just finding the right moment, he was deeply afraid of her re-action. He couldn't bear the thought of being rejected. Also, his experience with Marie had sapped his confidence badly, more than he could say.

They met in the car park at Alan's BMW. Clare had changed. She was now wearing a top and a skirt, looking pretty and tantalising. Alan drove to the supermarket and they went in to do their shopping. He avoided coming here alone. It was an exasperating place, so large that he always got lost and could never find what he'd come in for. It was a relief to come with Clare, not just for that reason of course. He spent as much time with her as he possibly could. Surely she had some idea how he felt about her? She wasn't that dense, surely?

Clare cut in on his thoughts. "Put your basket in my trolley, then you won't have to carry it around."

"All right." he replied.

They went up and down a few aisles and then Clare stopped at the section, where women bought personal things.

'Oh no.' thought Alan, 'not that.' To make it worse, Clare accidentally put her purchases into his basket and Alan was horrified.

"Hey, don't put those things in my basket!" he blurted out.

"Why you have to shout? Everyone's looking at us now."

"Can't you buy those things on your own?" he whispered. "Why do you have to buy them when I'm with you? I'm sure you do it on purpose just to embarrass me."

"I am a woman Alan, I need to buy those things. I can't help it. We don't like it, anymore than you do. In fact, we hate it, but there you are that's life and if that's your attitude, have your flaming basket and go round on your own!" She picked up the basket, thrust it at him and flounced off down the aisle pushing her trolley and disappeared around the corner. All eyes were upon him. He panicked and thought 'Quick, where is she, I must keep up or I'll never get out of here.'

Alan found her shortly afterwards and kept behind, but close enough to keep up. Five minutes later he wandered up and met her by the medicine section.

"I need some pain killers, I've run out." she said as she rooted around on the top shelf.

After weaving a long trail up and down the aisles, they eventually arrived at the check-out and piled their goods onto the conveyor belt. In front of them was a baby, sitting in a shopping trolley. His blonde hair was sticking out like a brush from the top of his head and he had huge blue eyes. He was chewing, frantically, at a teething ring and was dribbling profusely all over his t-shirt. It turned Alan's stomach.

"Oh, look Alan isn't he lovely? I've met you before, haven't I Adam. How are you today?" Clare spoke to the baby who stopped chewing and smiled at her and then looked around at his mother. Clare stroked his dimpled knee with her finger.

"You're a handsome one, aren't you?" asked Clare. His mother, who was stacking her shopping in the back of the trolley, replied. "He's chewing everything at the moment, worse than a puppy."

They packed their shopping in the BMW and Alan drove them home. As they climbed out of the car, Tarquin, Larking and Barking were tinkering with a motor bike, near the entrance.

"Oh no, not them." said Alan.

Clare glanced towards them. "Take no notice. They say all sorts to me, I only laugh."

Barking shouted out, "Got something for the weekend have you Alan?"

They laughed raucously amongst themselves and continued messing about with the motor bike.

"What do they mean by that? It's a bit near the knuckle... what a nerve." Alan muttered.

"I told them we were engaged." said Clare, blushing.

"Why did you say that?...you mean ...they think...you and me..." Alan swallowed hard. Perhaps this was the moment?

"Clare, I need to talk..." but no, it wasn't the moment. Clare dropped her heavy shopping bag on the floor and amongst the chaos were six broken eggs.

It took a while to clean up the eggs. As Clare wasn't feeling well, Alan sent her in and did the cleaning up himself. He hated mess and he began to wonder if she'd done it on purpose, just to punish him. Clare had asked him up for a coffee so later he rang the bell of flat No 4. She answered the door looking paler than before and was in obvious pain.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he followed her into the lounge.

"I've got terrible stomach pains. I've taken some tablets, but it just won't go away."

"Those sorts of pains, you mean?"

"Yes." Clare sat down on the sofa and Alan sat beside her.

"Poor you. Marie used to get them sometimes. Have you got a hot water bottle? That might help."

"No, I don't think so. I didn't know they still made them."

"I'll go down to the chemist, if you like. It's worth a try."

Alan went to the chemist shop and came back fifteen minutes later with a hot water bottle. He'd taken Clare's front door key to let himself in. She was led on the sofa asleep when he came in, so he left the hot water bottle on the small coffee table and turned to leave. She opened her eyes. "Don't go Alan, I'd rather you stayed with me. I always feel better when you're here." She sat up again and motioned him to sit.

"I'm sorry about those rugby players, but I only said it to shut them up.  I thought if I said we were engaged it would keep them quiet, but it's made them worse. They think we're sleeping together. I didn't mean for them to think that."

"Forget it. It doesn't matter." said Alan. "They'll think what they think, and say what they say, whatever. They're just three stupid jerks."

Alan changed the subject. "I'll just go and fill this bottle for you." He wandered into the kitchen, filled the hot water bottle and brought it back to her.

"Thank you, Alan, you're very good to me." She said, placing the hot water bottle on her stomach.

"Do you get like this often?" he asked.

"Now and then."

"Have you been to the doctor?"

"Yes, but it's a waste of time. She keeps saying it will be better when I've had a baby, but I don't think I'll ever have a baby, not even if I marry again." she said.

"Don't be silly Clare, of course you will. You'd make some man a lovely wife and you'd be a perfect mother."

"You don't understand."

He watched as a single tear trickled slowly down her cheek. He didn't understand, what did she mean?

"Please don't cry." Alan swallowed hard. He couldn't handle it when Clare cried. It was too much for flesh and blood to bear. Even when they were children he could never bear to see her cry.

"I'm sorry, it's just...well...you remember that time I went to Chester?"

"How could I possibly forget!" said Alan pulling a face.

"I went to Chester for a reason. I had to get away." She paused for a couple of seconds before continuing.

"A few weeks after Hal died, I found out I was expecting a baby."

Alan opened his eyes wide, in a state of deep shock.

"I felt confused and very lonely and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want the baby, Alan, not without Hal. I didn't want to be a single mother, bringing up a child on my own. In fact I hated the baby, I hated it so much." She started to cry again.

Alan couldn't believe his ears, what was she saying? Clare couldn't hate anything, especially not her own baby. He was astounded!

"You think I'm wicked don't you? I was wicked. When I recovered from the shock I began to think maybe it would be all right. After all, I thought, I have plenty of money, it wouldn't be a problem like it is for so many mothers on their own, why was I worrying? I began to think it would be really good to have Hal's baby. I grew to love the thought of it. I was excited, and then..."

By now Clare was in full flow, the tears coming thick and fast and Alan put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder. Tears also sprang into his eyes.

"and then I had another miscarriage..." she sobbed. "It's not a good sign to have more than one. It can't be can it? I don't think I'll ever hold my own baby in my arms."

Alan sniffed and Clare sat up and wiped her eyes with a tissue, from a box on the coffee table.

"You went through all that on your own? You didn't tell your mother, or Angie?"

"No. I was too confused. I'd been through too much already, Hal dying and everything, I couldn't cope with it all. I didn't want anyone else telling me how to think or what to do. I had to sort it all out in my own mind."

"Why have you told me now?" asked Alan.

"You're my best friend. I can tell you anything and I know you'd never betray a confidence."

Alan felt as if he'd been flattened by a steam roller. His emotions were haywire. Clare looked pale and her hair was tousled.

"Come here, you." he said. He pulled her into his arms again and held her for a couple of minutes and she leant her head on his chest.

Alan made them both a cup of tea. Clare liked the way he made a cup of tea. At least he got that right. "I think I'll go to bed in a minute, I'm feeling really bad." said Clare. They sipped their tea and Alan thought, no, this was definitely not the moment and he sighed heavily and Clare heard him.

"I didn't mean to burden you with my problems, but you're such a good friend, I really appreciate you. I don't know what I'd do without you." she said.

Clare rambled on and Alan could tell she needed to get to bed.

"I'd do anything for you Clare, you know that and any time you need to talk, I'm here." he replied.

She looked at him. "Alan, I..." but she said no more as the phone rang and there was also a knock at the door.

"What now?" asked Clare. She answered the phone and Alan answered the door. It was Kathy on the phone and Charles at the door. Clare's car alarm had gone off again, could she come down and turn it off? So Alan went home, after going down to sort out Clare's car and Clare went to bed, with the hot water bottle, still feeling rough.

It was 10.30 pm and Alan was now in bed, feeling drained. All those emotional feelings had taken their toll. He hoped Clare could have a baby, even if it wouldn't be his. She could have his baby anytime she liked, it didn't bother him, but just because he wanted her didn't mean she wanted him. It wasn't a thought that pleased him, but nevertheless it was true.

That night he tossed and turned on his bed as negative thoughts filled his mind...and sleep eluded him until 2 am in the morning.