To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John, your wife stole my biscuits.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't play stupid. You know she did. Have her give them back this minute.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We live too far away for her to give them back "this minute," George. It might be more like, "this year."

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAKE HER GIVE THEM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, George.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: A Famous Plan
Ringo, I need help.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
Are you watching Help!? Everything about that email suggested so.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
Yes, I'm watching Help! Anyway, I need you to help me with a plan.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
What is it this time? Are you wanting to hold some Subway workers at gunpoint so they make you one hundred sandwiches for free? Because you wanted to do that once before.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
No, but thanks for the reminder. I need to do that yet. Yoko stole my stash of biscuits and John won't make her give them back.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
She's probably already eaten them, George. You can just buy some more, you know.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
Don't you dare say that, Richard! She's probably hoarding them somewhere in that house. She knows it's going to drive me mad just keeping them and not eating them. That's why she's doing it. THAT'S WHY SHE'S DOING IT, RINGO!!!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
You're sounding crazy, George. You're scaring me.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
Just help me with this plan, Ringo.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: A Famous Plan
Oh, all right.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Paul . . .

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
What, John?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
I think George is into a serial killer.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Ha! I'd hardly think so, unless you mean, "cereal killer." 😂😂😂

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
This isn't a joke, Paul. He just left a sticky note stuck to my forehead while I was sleeping that says, "I'm going to make sure you are put in the ground with the rest of the biscuit stealers." How many other people have stolen his biscuits, for God's sake?!?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Hmm, let me think. Well, there was that one guy named Kevin.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Oh, my God! I always wondered what had happened to him! We haven't seen him for ages!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Then his secretary took a whole box of them.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
We don't see her anymore either. God, Paul, I'm starting to get chills.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
I'm pretty sure he dropped one on the ground one time and a duck ate it.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
He's a duck murderer!!! He's going to come after me and Yoko now!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
John, you need to remain calm. Just dial 999.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Okay, I'm dialing it right now. Oh, no.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
What happened?!? Tell me what happened?!?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
I think he cut the phone lines. My phone's dead.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Use your cell phone then, you sod!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Okay. I can't find it, though.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
For God's sake, John, find it!!! You're going to make me wet myself!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
What?!? What is it?!?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
There's red stuff smeared all over my refrigerator!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
It's blood!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
No, it's not. I just tasted it. It's strawberry jelly. I still can't find my phone.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
You tasted it? Really, John? Really?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
I had to! It didn't look like actual blood and I had to know what it was. Oh, there's my phone! Now I can call the police.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Oh, good. I was starting to sweat.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Hang on. I've got a voicemail.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Wait. How are you talking to me if you just found your phone?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
My computer. Duh, Paul.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
What's the voicemail say?

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
It's Ringo! He says that George is holding him hostage until Yoko gives back his biscuits!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Oh, my God! He's deranged, John! If he's holding Rings hostage, you know he's crazy!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
This is so weird! I don't even know what to do now.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Call the cops!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
Oh, yeah. That's why I was looking for my phone.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re Subject: Holy Jiminy Christmas!!!
*face-palm.*