[Trigger warning: Discussion of suicide attempt]

I've managed to make it to the weekend. Weekends are filled with a smattering of therapy appointments during the day, arranged around visitation. Since checking myself in, I hadn't spoken with anyone outside of the facility.

I hadn't called my biological mom. I texted Amy, even though she never texted back (we occasionally were allowed our cell phones, supervised). Jake hated my guts still, I was sure, and Ben had gone radio silent. I wasn't doing anything musical, so it's not like I had any reason to talk to Gloria.

Honestly, though? All of that was bullshit. I was just embarrassed. I didn't want to face any of them. I knew eventually I would. I knew, in exactly 85 days, I would be walking out of those double-doors for good.

In 85 days I would be Orion (rockstar, jazzhands) again. I would be expected to work. I would have to pick up the pieces of my obliterated life, the life I had tried to snuff out. I knew all this, and it scared the fucking piss out of me.

Currently I'm on my bed, legs drawn up, book propped against my knees. There's a knock on my door. Distractedly, I turn my head and call out, "It's unlocked!"

I half expected Scott to enter. Instead it's a nurse. I look up at him, confused.

"You have a visitor, Orion."

My heart nearly punches it's way through my chest. I'm immediately in a panic. I'm sure my eyes are the size of two full moons. "W-what?"

"It's visitation day--you have a visitor."

Feeling in a lucid dream, I slip a bookmark into my book, slip on my boots, and quickly make my way to the visitation room. I walk in time with my beating heart, and I'm nearly jogging. My mind swirls--who the fuck could it be? It didn't matter--anyone visiting me made my stomach churn.

I'm slightly relieved when it's Ben. He sees me and smiles immediately, getting to his feet. I blink profusely, stopping abruptly. Either all the oxygen in the room has suddenly whooshed out, or I've stopped breathing.

Ben. Fuck. The last time I saw him I was in the hospital, and he had given me a teddy bear. The teddy bear was with me now, propped up on my desk in my room.

Taking a deep shaking breath, I go to him quickly. For a moment my drummer and I just look at each other. Then simultaneously we hug one another. He sniffs into my shoulder. For a panicked second I worry he's crying, so I pat his back. Ben pulls away, and to my relief he's beaming. My eyes flutter, and I manage a smile back.

"You look good," Ben tells me.

"T-thanks. I've been eating. Just eating, nothing after. I mean, unless I have to shit--that's a whole other thing and not a problem."

Ben laughs. We sit down across from each other. He's still smiling at me. I cock my head to the side, genuinely confused. Ben's smile slips away.

"What?"

"What're you doing here?"

He laughs. "Visiting my best friend?"

I look down and bite my lip. Ben knows me well enough to know exactly why I had that reaction. Smiling once more, Ben leans forward, and gently pulls my lip out from my teeth. I look up at him with only my eyes.

"Yes, Ori, you're still my best friend."

"At least one of you are," I say sadly before I can stop myself.

"Jake's fine."

I glare.

"What?"

"Last we spoke he screamed at me and called me selfish for trying to kill myself."

Ben takes a sharp intake of breath. He then lets it out and runs a hand through his hair. When he speaks, it's quiet. "So, you've come to terms with that, huh?"

"With what?" I ask, still glaring. "The fact that my best friend tried to make me feel guilty for being so depressed I wanted to die, or the fact Jake isn't my best friend anymore?"

For a second Ben opens his mouth to say something harsh, but instead slams it shut. Composing himself, he takes a few deep breaths before speaking. "Orion."

"What?" I snap, and to be honest I don't even know why I'm so Goddamn pissed. "You gonna say it was a bad idea coming here?"

"I was," Ben said softly.

"Well that makes two of us," I say bitterly, crossing my arms and turning my head to the side.

"It's not, though. I should be here."

I shoot him a glare.

"Orion, you're doing it again."

"What again?" I snap.

"You don't like that I'm here," Ben tells me plainly. He crosses his own arms and raises his brow, leaning back into his chair. "So you're getting mean, and defensive, because it's easier for you to just pretend no one gives a damn about you. But I do give a fuck about you, Orion."

I look at Ben.

"So, I'm sorry if my being here is making you feel uncomfortable, and I'm sorry if you weren't ready to see me, but I needed to see you Orion."

I uncross my arms, my lips parting in surprise. Ben laughs then, and gestures towards me.

"And there you go again, being shocked that people care about you."

Ben gets to his feet and shakes his head. He runs a hand through his hair. "You know what, yeah, this was actually a bad idea--"

"Woah woah woah, wait. Ben," I say, stepping in front of him and putting my hand on his chest. He goes to side-step me, but I move with him, keeping my hand on his chest. "Ben, c'mon. Please stay."

Ben glares and walks past me. I close my eyes tightly, balling my hands into fists. "I need you to stay, Ben. Please?"

I no longer hear him walking away. So I open my eyes and turn around. He looks like he might cry, and the sight makes me break down immediately.

"I'm sorry Ben. I know I said that a lot in the hospital, but you're right. Everyone was right, okay? I did, I tried to take my own life, and I know that must've fucked you guys up royally."

Ben takes two huge strides and pulls me into a hug. For a few moments I just cry into his shoulder, but it's embarrassing and I can't stand it, so I pull away. We go back to sitting, and I wipe my eyes. Ben has interlaced his fingers together, and he's looking at them, not me.

"I'm not trying to make you feel worse," Ben tells me quietly, "but I've been having nightmares. I have nightmares that you're dead, and I just--"

It breaks my heart when he shudders.

"I just really, really needed to see you for myself. I needed to see that you're still here."

I nod and wipe away some more tears.

Ben lifts his head then and speaks strictly. "Tell me you're going to be okay."

I open my mouth, but can't find words. Finally my face crumples. "You know I can't do that--"

"Tell me anyway."

"Ben--I don't know if I'll be alright."

"Tell me."

"I don't know if I'll ever be okay."

"So then lie to me!" Ben snaps at me, and now I'm pretty sure he is going to start crying. "Just lie to me because I need to hear the words, Orion."

So, blinking more tears out, I tell him what he needs to hear. "I'm going to be okay, Ben."

He shuts his eyes. Wet crystals hit his cheeks, and he nods. It feels like he reached into my stomach and gave it a nasty twist, so I repeat myself with conviction.

"I'm going to be okay, Ben."

Ben opens his eyes and smiles. "God I hope so, Orion. I really, really hope so."